Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › he wants to be close friend, but i love him
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Maddie.
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Laura
Guys help,
I’ve been in love with this man for three years now. we kept flirting, but now he told me he doesnt want a relationship with me. obviously, i cry everyday, because i loev him so much, and it just hurts. i never told him i loved him, but he isnt blind he sees it, and i told him i wanted to date him. we only flirter, went on dates etc… for three long years, and im exhausted. but i love him so much.
He really is trying his best to always talk to me, initiate contact, calls me, BUT tells me about his dates :( :(, the girls he’s interested in etc… and he knows it hurts me, but he really wants me to be his friend, like close friend. and it hurts like hell, because i told him i didnt want to hear that and he was like: but, it shouldn’t be a problem we are friends.
but my question is, how do i tell him, that i DONT want to be his friend, im scared to loose contact with him for some reasons. dont know how to say it, etc and etc….
and it hurts like hell. i moved mountains for him, i lived in his town, got a crappy job there, because i wanted to give myself the best chances to be with him, and now i feel like my world is falling apart… help please :(Jenna
Laura WHY do you love this man when he had told you from the beginning that he didn’t want to be with you romantically and all he could offer was friendship?? It makes me furious when women would wait months and years in pain on some unavailable uninterested men, doing anything and everything for them, accepting a friendship even if it hurts, just to be near them, hoping someday the guy would change his mind. Please respect yourself and move on! You never settle for anything like this! You are worthy of love and you will find one when you love yourself and believe in your worth. Tell him you do not want anything to do with him and never look back. There are many men out there!
Maddy
Laura, I’ve been there. Close friend and I developed feelings. If he’s telling you about other women then he’s not into you romantically. My friend was telling me about his dates, actually that’s how we started bonding, me listening to him and he to me about problems. Our conversations got more and more flirtatious until one point when we ended up sleeping together. After that he told me he was not all that into me and he didn’t want it to happen again because it would get weird and ruin our friendship. We are ok now but still gets weird from time to time. He stopped talking so much about his dates as he knew I guess I wasn’t comfortable listening to that. Which brings me to another point. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t listen to your wishes? He knows it hurts you to listen to him talk about the girls he is interested in. Hell, you told him it hurts you and he still does it under the pretext that it shouldn’t bother you since you are close friends? It sounds to me like he is very selfish and cares only about what he wants. He wants to be close friends but he hurts you intentionally? What kind of friend does that?
Laura
Hello guys,
thank you both for your replies, Maddy, same thing happened….
thing is, 2 years ago, he was interested again, at the beginning he fancied me alot, we did sleep together a few times, passions and everything…
but yes, he is very selfish.
and it hurts, because i love so much, but to be honnest, i can’t be friends with him. it wont work, im in love, and i want to be with him not being his close friend.
worst is, everytime i back off, he keeps coming back again, and again, and again.
whats the point? its very stupid of him. he knows i love him (or he’s very blind) so why coming back if he doesnt want to sleep with me anymore or doesnt even want me. i mean, thats it. im just so hurt. i’ve moved mountains for him, to be with him. he kept asking me to come back to town, etc… which i did. and its awful because he never told me he wasnt into me, until a few weeks ago only. and god, i dont know how i will go through thisLaura
and then, i forgot to say, then he kisses me, hugs me, etc… and its just i dont know. im just done. and it hurts like hell
Maddy
I can relate to that. The moment I accepted that him and I are just friends and nothing more, he came back and ended up sleeping together again. Then the whole we are friends, don’t want to ruin it started again. There were some rough months until I realized that if I give him what he wants when he wants we would fall under the same pattern and it will happen over and over again. I decided I was too good for that and that I deserve someone who wants me and only me. No games, no drama. So I pulled back and we stayed friends and nothing more.
But as I said, my friend stopped talking about other women when he knew it hurt me. Your “friend” hurts you intentionally. That is not a healthy friendship relationship.
He comes back for his ego I think. To get reassured that you are still there and still into him. You moved into his town, was always there. If he knows he has you around his finger why do more?
If I were you I would try a different approach since what you’ve done so far doesn’t work. I would go NC with him and sort things out in my head. You might even discover that you are OK and better off without him. You deserve more, why settle for crumbs? Think about you and only you. Take each day at a time, fill your time with things you like and make you happy and keep you from thinking about him. I know it sounds like a platitude but trust me, it works. I’ve been there and as days went by I felt stronger and better. You CAN go trough. The world doesn’t end with a guyLaura
You know Maddy, i did try no contact, i always do no contact, then he comes back.
ALL THE TIME. like he never he really does.
now what i’ve never tried, is ignoring him though…
you know he does that (yes perhaps his ego ) but also because he wants to show me where i belong. and honnestly f*** that. i mean, no.
i dont know how you find the strenght to be friends with the guy you love, you must be a strong person, because i wont stand watching him loving someone else.
and if he gets girlfriend, its over i dont want to hear from him again, even if im going to miss him. i dont care, i wont want to know anything.
ill probs finally say i love you, but i cant do this anymore.Elisa
Typical, as soon as the man feels the woman loses interest or pulls away, he comes back. But same with women, right? I say don’t take any steps closer to him, don’t let anyone mess you up. He’s very selfish and indeed, as Maddy says, he wants to make sure you’ll always be there for him. So move on, dont explicitly show him you’re moving on, because he’ll come back for you and charm you again. Just keep your distances because otherwise you’ll stay in this loop and it will hurt you a lot.
Laura
thank you Elisa, its just so hard as i’ve been wanting for three years to be with him… i mean, we do look good together, everyone says it, everyone says we look like a couple etc… and its just so hurtful.
he’s a bit stupid to be just friends when he knows i love him. there’s no point.
does he also expect me to meet and greet his f**** next gf ? i mean come on… and worst is, its not like: i want to be friends, but i wont talk to you anymore.
no its: lets be very close friends, etc.. like, why ? you have enough friends, i have enough friends.Laura
and he also wants to me to teach him french. i mean seriously though.
Maddy
I’m passed the moment when I thought I loved him, that’s why we can stay friends. It does bother me from time to time seeing him with another woman but this will also pass. We have a great connection, we talk about our hopes and worries and he really is a good friend for me. It just wasn’t meant to be more, at least not for now and I understand that. But I do not love him.
Try to ignore him for a while, cut the pattern of him coming back and you accepting him. Invest the time in YOU and what makes you happy and get some clarity. It will help you see things and him as they really are.
I don’t think saying you love him will help, he must know it by now but if this gives you peace of mind and think this is what you have to do… do it. Just don’t expect much to come from this.
Take some “ME time” as my best friend likes to call it. Get to see beyond your feelings and into the bigger pictureMaddy
OMG Laura, I see my past in you words. The “You look good together” and everybody thinking you are a couple… The waiting and hoping that he will want me like I want him… everything. These are just illusions. If he is interested he WILL NOT tell you about other women. He will pursue you. Not keep you around for ego boosts
Stefanie
Laura, sorry to have to be the one to burst your bubble, but you are NOT IN LOVE with this man. This is just attachment and now bordering on obsession.Love doesn’t hurt. Love doesn’t require that someone do something for them or that they be a certain way.
You have developed a suit of clothes and put him in it. I’m going to say something radical – I say that women who do things like this are actually using the man. Not on purpose, but because their self esteem is so low they are seeking purpose in something outside themselves, which is just never going to happen. Like any addiction, eventually it will collapse and bite you in the butt.
If you did all these things, move to his town, etc. hoping to snare him… oh sweetie, that’s all you and not him. It feels so awful now because you sold out so much of yourself. Even if a man ASKS you to move for him or anything, you still have a choice as to whether or not you “make yourself over” to be acceptable to him.
Let go of him and learn what it is to LOVE YOU. What you are giving away, you need for yourself right now. THEN you can go truly love a man who is truly your match.
best wishes, Stefanie
Laura
Well Maddie, yes i can relate :(
i cut off for a good year, but he was still in my mind.Stephanie, welk thank you for your answer, but nope, to me, love can hurt, and i know what being in love is. and i truly am.
i dont want anyone else, im done with love. im not afraid of staying single, i cant care more.
but i definitely know i’m in love with him. and im definitely not using him.
he’s tthe one asking me to come back to the country not me.Harley
THEN……… take the bull by the horns and tell him you’ll only come back if he wants a relationship with you.
I bet…….. you don’t get an answer……… or some bullshit one.
We’ve all been there honey……… me just recently. You have to go NC, and stick to it……….. otherwise you will never move on.
Laura
i think its what i will do to be honnest.
i cant be bothered listening to his f**** dates or girls, that i dont give a shit about. im so done.Harley
Laura.. it sucks. Life hurts. But……. we survive.
I took the bull by the horns……. got the bullshit excuse. ” I can’t do this now,, we’d a great time, I will see you…….. sometime”……… err……. I don’t think anytime soon on my end ! We too are friends.
But ya know…….I can move on now. NO more wondering. No more self inflicted torture, making things up in my head.
You need to do this… FOR YOU.
Laura
Thank you to all to havetaken the time to reply, it means alot thank you
Stefanie
Best of luck Laura, come back and post again if you get further down the line and need more perspective.
Cc
I hate to say this because it sounds horrible but he is just using you to stroke his ego. I am sure he thinks you are great which is why he wants to talk/spend time with you etc but essentially he probably knows you are a lovely person and you like him and you would find it hard to tell him to do one so he knows if he feels bored or lonely he is likely to definitely get a response from you. He is taking advantage of your better nature. If he really cared for you at all, he wouldn’t consider ever making you sit through his dating stories with other women. That is the ultimate disrespectful way to treat someone who you know has deep feelings for you. The kindest thing he could do is leave you to get on with your life and meet someone new. The problem is he probably wouldn’t like it if you did. Like he doesn’t want you but he doesn’t want anyone else to either….. I know that might sound a bit to the point but I can totally sympathise with you as I have had a similar scenario for the last few years… Meeting up again with my childhood sweetheart 10years later…. He has never said he isn’t interested in me like that and he gives off all the cliche signs you read about how to tell if someone has feelings for you ….. Still he has never actually properly made a move…. Which I used to be so confused about…. He would text me all the time, long deep and meaningful conversations, things he never told anyone before, he would stick to me like glue if we were out in big nights out with mutual friends, always compliment me, give me these never ending long hugs, even when I would let go he would keep holding on, saying sweet things to me under his breath etc…… I was like wtf is with this guy???…. Then one day it just dawned on me and the confusion subsided…. IF he was really as into me as all the signs and my mind was trying to make me believe… He would have made a move…. If we were such a good match and were meant to be together he would have made a move, if he had feelings for me he had had a thousand opportunities to move things to another level and he hadn’t. Take control baby, you can do so much better than someone who doesn’t think you are amazing enough to call his girlfriend.
Laura
thank you stefanie and yes Cc, exacly that.
he keeps saying: you have to go on dates, etc.. but even if i did, he wouldnt like it, otherwise he wouldnt come back all the time.
he’s stupid for wanting to be a close friend. no points at all. he knows i love him, im sure of it, and he’s being cruel. i should actually do something i never did, which is ignoring him.
when i was at his for two weeks because i was moving of flat, he didnt even have once sex with me, or maybe just once, and touched me here and there, but it wasnt like before, and he was talking to girls on whatsapp, tinder, every freaking where, tried to have sex with every single girls he met… and im afraid that this is a guy who will never have enough with only one woman in his life…. he cheated on all his girlfriends by the way.d.
ONE thing strikes me as somewhat commendable about this guy is that he’s not having sex with you. this tells me he Probably does care about you, especially because of the fact that he knows he can and is not having sex with you. if he didn’t care, he would take it over and over and just use you as he does with other girls. He knows you are amazing, thats why he’s not letting go, but he doesn’t want amazing. He’s a playboy that loves attention of many girls including you BUT cares for you as a friend just a friend . so accept that is all he has and probably can offer you or move on.
Nana
I think i’m the worse here. Liking a guy almost 10 years . I have a crush for him since i was 10 years old untill now (i’m 20 now). I’m quite confused actually because we both aren’t close friend. Rarely meet each other.
can u guys explain this action that he do to me that i’m quite confused!
1) we both lost contact for 3 years then he found me.
2) i told he once that i hate a guy who’s smoke. Then when we meet i accidentally saw him smoking but he didn’t know that i’m watching him smokes. Then when i walk towards him, he suddenly throw away the cigarette and pretend nothing happen. So i just keep quiet abkut it.
3) he always be there when i need him (but only on important things). Example mwhen my birthday party, my graduation n etc
coz we rarely meet.
4) he kind of flirting with me. As well as me.
5) this year, my parent do a dinner party. We invite closed family and friends. So invited him n his friends. I said that he try to come because on thay day he has exam.
it almost 11pm he still didn’t showed up. The party has end. But suddenly he showed up to my house with his PARENTS!!!! I’m like are u kidding me!! Seriously f****** nervous ok!!
after that he went back home then he called me. He asked wyy i’m so freaking nervous just now. Daaa..of course i’m nervous. For us as a muslim when a guy bring his parents to meet us it is ambig moment!We only text or call each other twice a month.
for me i do not like to be clingy. Text or call everyday. Can get me bored.
I know he has a girlfriend. I always try not tp disturb his relationship n move on with someone else but it just so hard. I cannot last more than 3 month with other guy. Ended up i searching for him again. I try to open my heart,to other guy but its just not working coz i felt there is no future woth them. But when i with him i can feel a very strong connection.Recently something big happened between us. Before this happen i’ve plan to meet him and confess my feelings to him n said that i cannot wait for him any longer. But like it or not it happen sooner than i thought.
he asked me a very serious question.
HIM: do u aware that i have a gf?
ME: Hmmm..yes i do
HIM: ohhh..thank god u know. So its ok for us to be friends. I’m sorry if i have hurt ur feeling.
ME: its fine! Don’t worry. I’m ok.
HIM: hey..chill ok! I’m still ur friend. I’m really2 sorry if i’ve hurt ur feelings or make u misunderstanding about us.
ME:I think i’ve got the answer that i have been looking for the past few years…
Sokayh..its not ur fault
I’m the one who missunderstand it..goodnite! Have a happy life!i’m sorry for being misunderstanding for all this while.
(i do realize that he had rejected me?
HIM: hey..what wrong with u? Why suddenly u want to leave me? Wait.. what answered u have been looking for? I don’t get it.
ME: i’m sorry! I just cannot continue this friendship anymore. Its my fault.
HIM: hey..wyh do keep saying sorry?? U didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the who should be blame for.
ME: i’m sorry for liking u for the past 1p years!!! There..i said it! Are u happy??
HIM: hmmm…i knew it. I already knew it for along time. That’s why I’m saying this coz i don’t want to play or hurt ur feelings. Don’t leave me. We still can be friends. I like n happy to be friends with you.
ME: am in gonna losing u?
HIM: NO! your not gonna losing me. I’m alway be there for u.
ME: is this gonna change our relationship?
HIM: nope!! I’m still the old me. Who know maube in the future we can be together.*hmmmmm…what should i do??
leave him or stay be friends??
i can’t imagine my life without him in my world..perhaps he also feels that way.Stefanie
You can’t imagine your life without him?
Sweetie. WAKE UP and smell the espresso babe!! You have to get off this fantasy island, you are not 10 years old any longer and he is not Prince Charming. I just told someone else that someone can’t “string you along” without your permission and I”m going to say the same to you. If you carry on being friends, such as it is, you have only yourself to blame for not being able to attract someone else. You will always be secretly hoping he’ll come riding up on his white charger to sweep you up and carry you off into the sunset.
Marion
If he’s telling you about other women he’s been dating and has also told you he doesn’t want a relationship, then sorry, it’s over. There may be the very odd guy who would talk about his dates in front of a woman he’s interested in in order to make her jealous and therefore make himself look more attractive, but I don’t think that’s what’s going on here as he’s told you he doesn’t want a relationship with you. If you feel really uncomfortable with him talking about these women in front of you, tell him you don’t want to hear it. If he comes out with the line, “We’re friends so it doesn’t matter”, then tell him that friends respect each other, and don’t force their friends to talk about things that make them feel uncomfortable, as it’s unkind and inconsiderate. If he still keeps it up, tell him that you’d still like to be his friend, but that unfortunately you won’t be able to hang out with him until he’s learnt some manners.
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