He wants kids and I'm too old to give him any …

Hmmm…is he going through a mid-life crisis type of thing? I mean, if he was so sure that he didn’t want kids, what changed to make him think otherwise?

Without knowing the full background, my biggest concern would be that it is unclear if he knows what he really wants. If he was certain that he didn’t want kids and now he does, is there a chance that after taking on the responsibilities of a parent he could decide that he misses his freedom and his old life and take off?

I know that your kids are grown, but if you adopted a young child or you had a child via surrogacy, he WOULD have to help raise that child.

You have been a parent and you know what it takes to parent. You yourself just said that you think he is too selfish and immature to be a parent. People should NEVER have children to try to fix something–whether it is a relationship or a person. Having a child won’t get him to mature and stop being selfish. I think you have to seriously consider that if you were to have a child with him you could end up raising it on your own.

And as for his life not having a purpose, having a child is not the only way to bring meaning to your life. It is possible to make an impact on the world through your job, through volunteer work, by being a good friend, by being a good partner, etc. Like you mentioned, he could be a father figure to your children. He could impact the lives of children in need by volunteering with Big Brothers/Big Sisters or some other organization that matches kids with adult role models.

How long has he been saying that he wants to have a kid? If this is something he has just recently brought up, you could have a conversation about how you think he needs to take the time to really think it through because adding a child into the mix changes EVERYTHING. You could point out the ways that his life does have meaning–perhaps he just hasn’t considered all aspects of his life in that way yet.

If this is something that he has thought through and he has felt this way for a long time, then you may not be able to take that approach. You might need to have the tougher conversation about your concerns about his ability to take on a full parenting role (yes, this would be awkward, but raising a child isn’t easy either).

Really, though, I think you also need to take some time to consider whether or not this is a relationship that is still really working for you. You’ve described him as selfish and immature. Is that what you’re looking for in a partner? Don’t settle just because you are 50 and have been with him for a couple of years. Make sure you are putting yourself first.

* we all know

(it’s the reason most of us found this site!)

Big hugs to you. I’m sorry you are going through this. You deserve a partner who brings you happiness and also allows you to be yourself.

Evaluation time.

If the man really wants children then I would step aside. Loving someone is always giving them their dreams.

If he is fiddling with it I would encourage him to get a dog or a bird….both need lots and lots of attention. You could also borrow children for a weekend or two and DO NOT do all the work…let him step up with lots of the responsibilities…feeding, playtime, discipline and etc. He might decide it is too much work and forget about it.

But the real question is whether or not this man is right for you?

I am going thru the same. I am 53. He is 52. I cant have more kids- i have two. He has none. We met in high school and reconnected one year ago. He told me from the start he wanted kids. We got incredibly close. A lot of more details but in short – i know i have to let go. We both know. We tried once. Couldnt. What did you do?

selfish and immature sounds like you’d be doing yourself a favor to get rid of the guy… but finding a way to keep this selfish and immature man from procreating could do the world some good. I love the idea of borrowing a couple kids for the weekend. Have him babysit and let him do all the work. Mr. Selfish probably won’t last through bath and bedtime.

And note to the other person who posted. What is with this 53 year-old wanting kids? He is going to be one of weird gross guys that tries to pick up 30 year olds on dating sites. But why on earth would a child-age bearing women choose to have kids with a 53-year-old man? Maybe if he looks like George Clooney or is a billionaire…

I’m with Kathy. If he wanted kids, why leave it until he was in his 50s?! He has pretty much no chance of finding a woman in her 30s who will want to have kids with him. Does he realise how unrealistic he’s being?

Are you sure he’s not using this as an excuse not to get too involved with you? What’s his relationship history?

I am wondering what ever happened with Vickie. I am in the exact same predicament, and wonder how it turned out for her. I think that the end is in sight for me as well, but it hurts so much just thinking about leaving someone that you truly love…

If he is 40 and wants children he needs a 30-year old woman. He has a chance of finding one, but it takes time to recover from the breakup, to find someone you can connect with and whom you can like, live together for some time and then have kids. Another 3-5 years. And then raise those kids, which is so much work that even younger couples often don’t make it. I don’t know what happened to Vickie but I think that her BF, if he left for because of this, would be back, and maybe sooner than she expects. I think her BF did not leave her, otherwise Vickie would be here and we would hear from her. lol