This topic contains 14 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Liz Lemon 2 months ago.
November 23, 2020 at 5:22 pm #826769
I have had a few issues with this guy that I’m seeing (5 months)but we seemed to have sorted things out. He is deeply sensitive and prone to sulking which I find hard to deal with to be honest. I’m more forthright and don’t hold onto things. But we talk through everything.
He told me this week that He is in love with me and I responded with how much that meant to me and that I love him as well. But he wanted me to tell him that I was in love with him too. He has always been ahead of me in our relationship. He used the love word after a few weeks.
The issue is that’s not my language saying I’m in love with you doesn’t roll off my tongue and I don’t want to say something that I’m not ready to say or that I don’t yet feel. But he said I have left him feeling vulnerable and that my response inst normal. That other women would react to what he said differently and they would be saying it back. I told him that I feel deep love for him too but he questioned why I didn’t respond with that I was also in love with him and I had to say that I was not ready to say it. He said he expected me to say it all weekend and I didn’t and he is hurt.
I feel a bit troubled by this. Would most women reciprocate and mirror what is said to them? I’m enjoying our time together but it seems that he is constantly asking for more of me and that I’m not doing things right in his eyes. I getting the most women wouldn’t respond that way more frequently. I’m still haring about the most women would have had sex sooner if they were attracted to me, aka the first date where as I waited until I felt ready, a few weeks which is quick in my books.November 23, 2020 at 5:58 pm #826777
It is reasonable for him to say love at 5 months. It is also somewhat reasonable for him to be disappointed you are not there yet. Are you getting there? Did you tell him that?
You dont sound like a great fit honestly. He sounds anxious attachment and you sound dismissive avoidant.November 23, 2020 at 8:23 pm #826796
Love is a fickle feeling where sometimes you feel it, sometimes you don’t and need to be honest not only with yourself but potential partner if you don’t love them in the way you need to be in love to build a solid relationship.
I’ve been through this several times where it took me much longer to ‘fall in love’ than it did the guy. The difference is they never pressured me, used passive-aggressive behaviors nor tried to guilt trip me into saying something I wasn’t ready to say yet. If a guy did this to me it would tell me a lot about how he deals with problems or issues; whereas playing the ‘shaming game’ isn’t the type of partner I would seek for the long-term.
I think you have some thinking to do as to whether or not you can deal with these type of behaviors long term. Some can, some can’t. The answer is not only in knowing yourself but knowing how much you can take or handle.November 23, 2020 at 9:14 pm #826806
I’m fearful/avoidant, I’m guessing he is anxious attachment.
He told me he loved me a few weeks in. I told him that I loved him several weeks later, I told him at the time that I have strong feeling for him when he told me he loved me but I wasn’t ready to tell hi that I love him yet at the time. Then I was ready and I told him.
Now he has told me that he is ‘in love with me’ which he sees as different to loving me and wants me to tell him that I’m also in love with him. This isn’t what I feel comfortable saying. “I’m in love with you’ It feels like I’m being pushed to say words from a script instead of feeling them and letting the words just happen.
He thinks deeply about most things I say and wants to discuss them. I’m not used to such intense discussions about what I said and what I really meant. I’m also sensitive and a deep thinker but it feels like he is analyzing me all of the time and possibly shaming me for not being a normal woman.November 24, 2020 at 5:34 am #826859
Have you communicated all of these concerns and objections to him?November 24, 2020 at 3:15 pm #826933
It must be exhausting to be constantly judged, analyzed and “possibly shamed” into thinking you’re “not being a normal woman”. It sounds like he wants a different personality to be his partner and with all this intense game playing of how to phrase loving words, I’m surprised you are even able to know for yourself as to whether or not you actually love him.
Be of your own mind, be comfortable with what you want to share and how you want to share it. Being with someone who makes you feel like you are failing at every step isn’t very fulfilling, I can imagine.November 24, 2020 at 3:54 pm #826944
I know a lot of guys are insecure deep down and like to be validated by their women. And some of them a lot, like the man of my best friend still needs a lot of reassurance while he is a very handsome funny loving guy.
But its the sulking and him constantly saying other women do this and that. Which wants to make me say: you know what, i think its better if you pick one of those women who do it right for you. So long. This guy Irks me, maybe more than it should but if my man said stuff like that he would be plastered behind the wallpaper and ill be out looking for betterNovember 24, 2020 at 4:34 pm #826950
My boyfriend told me that he loved me about 4 months after we were exclusive. I said, love is big word and it means a lot to me that you feel that way. I didn’t say I love you for several weeks after that and he understood I wasn’t ready. The difference is, my boyfriend told me how he felt with no expectations of how I would response and respected my feelings.
I would be wary about your guy’s “most women would do XYZ” statement and suggesting that you don’t behave like normal women. It reminds me of what my ex-husband would say to me and he was quite manipulative and controlling. Trust me, it is exhausting to continuously hear that you don’t do things right the way all normal people would. In my experience that’s a huge red flag.November 25, 2020 at 4:34 pm #827141
newbie your post made me laugh….
Thank you for your responses – Caetru I can see the flag waving and yes I would expect it to be how your boyfriend handled it. Your response to him was the same as what I said to mine almost exactly.
We were talking yesterday and mucking around and he told me I had a small heart and he wished it was bigger. He went on to say his heart is on his sleeve but my heart is so tiny it’s invisible. This is all in banter but I felt his words were really having a go. He feels like I don’t love him enough and he lets me know in many ways.November 25, 2020 at 5:40 pm #827149
You’ve had a lot of issues with this guy for such a new relationship. The first few months should be the honeymoon period. But he’s just problem after problem. This is just what I recall off the top of my head:
He lied about his age.
He pressured you to talk about sex before even meeting, going so far as to say he wouldn’t wait more than X amount of time for sex.
I think he even talked about a prenup before meeting?
He questions everything you do, and asked why you don’t cuddle your daughter more, seemingly questioning your parenting skills.
He wants 100% of your attention all the time and complains when you have other things going on in your life.
He complains that you don’t spend enough time with him.
If you get distracted or even think about something else when you’re with him, he gets upset.
He picks apart everything you say and do and wants to analyze why, and what exactly you meant.
Now he’s mad that you aren’t saying you’re “in love” with him, instead of understanding that you simply aren’t ready to say it yet. Plus, he says your heart isn’t big enough? Like you aren’t capable of loving in the right way? How dare he.
This guy sounds manipulative and exhausting. I’m not saying he’s a bad person, but I can say with certainty he’s not the right guy for you. I would be downright angry if anyone (especially a boyfriend) treated me that way. It’s like he’s picking apart your self-esteem by constantly implying you’re not good enough. Aren’t you tired of this?November 25, 2020 at 5:52 pm #827151
*I would be wary about your guy’s “most women would do XYZ” statement and suggesting that you don’t behave like normal women. It reminds me of what my ex-husband would say to me and he was quite manipulative and controlling*
I agree. It is manipulative and controlling. I had a family member who acted like this with me about my career choices. Although I have a good degree and a good job, I’ve no desire to climb the ladder,so to speak. For one thing my role, which I currently enjoy, would be completely different and very demanding. Lots of us in the profession feel the same.
Although he’s aware of this, he still persisted. The only conclusion I came to at the time was that it was for selfish reasons, in that he would see it as a good reflection on him if he could say his relative was an X or Y! Tough!
OP I would watch this behaviour!November 25, 2020 at 6:12 pm #827155
I hadn’t seen Miss A’s post before I posted.
OP this guy sounds awful! I would seriously consider whether or not I wanted to continue with him. I know I wouldn’t!November 25, 2020 at 7:41 pm #827168
Hang on, if miss A is right i do remember previous posts about him being a fair bit older and lying about it. The pressure talk also sounds familiar. What are you doing P? Collecting red flags until you have enough for a communist head quarter? Surely you know better than to stay with this guyNovember 25, 2020 at 9:03 pm #827174
On a more serious note with miss a help who triggered my memory. You said in earlier post you felt you or maybe your daughter was on the spectrum if i remember correctly. That all maybe true but your gut is your gut. Its been screaming at you since you met this guy and yet you disregard your own gut. Please dont. Maybe your emotions work different from ‘most people’, but you still deserve a guy that cares. I cant really understand this strange specimen you found, but i know its best to let him fly awayNovember 25, 2020 at 11:20 pm #827188
You’ve posted about this guy 6 times in the past 3 months. I just went back & skimmed your old posts. In most of the threads you were advised to end things with this guy because his behavior is really unreasonable. Miss A summarized the issues in her comment on this thread. He is dishonest, manipulative & petulant. And clearly things are just getting worse because you keep posting.
This is not to attack you for posting. But surely you see that this is way too many issues for a 5 month relationship, or any relationship! This should be the honeymoon period. It should be the simplest, least complicated part of your relationship. You should be enjoying each other & cementing your emotional bond. Things will not get better from here. You should listen to your gut, it’s trying to tell you something, that’s why you keep coming back to ask questions. You know his behavior is unhealthy & unfair.