Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › He says he wants to try again?
- This topic has 10 replies and was last updated 2 years, 10 months ago by
Erin.
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Lianne
So me and my ex have started seeing each other again.
Back story- basically things were great. Lockdown began, my ex started to become down specifically about life being so restricted. I guess some of his hobbies was his release. Eventually that led him to shut down a bit, and he felt really distant. We broke up and he said he thought his feelings had changed. He was complete disconneted but was equally upset and said he still cared.Anyway. A few months have past and we have agreed to try again. Only I’m not really sure what that means.
We see each other once a week and we always have a great time just like old times- but he still seems really distant in between that. Like before things just felt easy. . He isn’t as affectionate which is fine but when we’re not together he seems pretty guarded but then will say we just need to take things really slow to get back to how we used to be….
Problem is I don’t really understand what going slow means – especially because when we are together everything feels like how it used to be.
He gets annoyed when I try to bring up like what we are doing and I don’t want to come off as needy especially because of the break up being so emotional.I still have feelings, which resurface everytine I see him, which makes things hard as in the back of my mind I guess I’m wondering about what if he’s feelings don’t come back and I end up getting hurt all over again?
When we’re together, he always shows up is respectful and just like how we used to be.
He tells me he does want to try to get back to how good we were – but I guess I feel like I always initiate plans. He is very laid back but still. 🤷🏻♀️
Any advice- is this just going to hurt all over again, or with a bit of patience could things develop back to before 🤷🏻♀️
Tallspicy
Girl. Stop. Tell him to go away until he has decided what he wants to do. You are not interested in being available without some definition.
Also, stop contacting him at all. That is his job. He has to earn you again from scratch.
Stop being someone who makes him feel better without doing the same for you.
Tallspicy
And who initiated being in contact and spending time together? Did he call you, arrange the date and follow up??? Again and again and again?
Anon
One thing that works when you are trying again, speaking from my own experience, is to put yourself first. Find yourself first before you give yourself over to this relationship. In my situation, I was giving everything to this man: my time, bringing meals, making food, wanting to do all my activities or my free time be about what he wanted. We broke it off for a brief time due to a break in trust and I wanted to try again but I wasn’t going to give it all away to him this time around. We decided to try again without a huge discussion about the relationship. We never talked about going slow, but that’s what naturally happened. It took over a year, but our relationship is incredible at this time. It was about really developing a different relationship with the same person.
Newbie
You say everything was going great before lockdown but then he broke up with you anyway. I dont really understand why you got back together again since he doesnt act all that interested anymore. You dont know why he broke up, you dont know what he feels now and when you ask him you feel needy (really?) and he gets annoyed and only says we will take it slow. Girl you a walking on quick sand and you dont even feel you have the right to know the answers to your questions. Get your answers or break up. How will you get through the next year like this?
Lianne
After about six weeks after a break up he suggested we go in a date. The date was really nice and we spoke about trying again. But it’s like he is holding back.
The point is before lockdown we’d Been together about a year and it really was just so easy and natural, but he withdrew a lot when lockdown happened, he had some stresses at work kind of the whole lockdown that most of us have had to face and everyone has dealt with the struggle of that differently….
I asked him today after reading your responses what he wanted –
He didn’t actually get annoyed this time at my asking instead he said he wouldn’t be seeing me if he didn’t want to and that he wants to try and see if we can get back to how we were before. And that he hasn’t even looked at or thought about any other girl since me.I do believe he has good intentions, like I trusted him completly before we broke up. I just don’t know how to move this situation forward. I think he is still struggling in some ways with lockdown (and I know everyone is dealing with this differently)
I don’t know if I’m just overthinking things comparing to how things were a few months back, when maybe it just needs time, or whether I need to do something to help us get back on track.I guess
Newbie
Its also about you. If youre with a guy that bows out when he is stressed and wants to try again but barely expressed that, you still walk on quicksand. I understand you want to give it a try but from an outside perspective i feel he gave you the wrong answer. You did nothing wrong. The asnwer willing to try again implies there were faults in the relationship he has to overcome. Of course he can mean his behaviour but thats unclear. In the right scenario (to me) you are willing to give it a try because he really wants to be with you and realized pushing you away was a wrong instinct action
Newbie
I think if you have the balls to stand up for yourself and have a higher change to get things back on track, you need to ask for a longer break. I can imagine you were quite hurt when he called it quits after a year and you dont want to repeat that. You deserve a man dead set on making it work. He can work that out on his own and when he is sure come back to you. Otherwise its a no. Going through this at it is now is painful for you i think. Go for that option. Its the only way
Anon
I wouldn’t do anything to push a relationship anywhere. I’d let him pursue, lead and see where it goes. If you don’t like how it’s going, you can decide it’s not going to work for you. If it’s someone that there’s an amazing connection, that is rare and it will work out of its supposed to. I think this pandemic has caused lots of issues and it could be really impacting him. Give it some time and as long as you’re moving in the right direction, there’s no need to move it faster. Again, I’m speaking from someone who is older and not looking to get married and have children- that’s a different story.
Tallspicy
No. He wants to see if he can feel it again? Look at what this man is doing…. making you the cop out for his inability to deal with stress. He is not a good potential partner because the only thing that really shows someone has it is their ability to deal with challenges and stress… not when things are good.
I am not impressed and I think you are giving him way too much rope. After a year, a breakup and some dates…. in or out, choose or get some therapy to deal with his depression.
I am older and I have not yet heard that he is sorry or that he is working on himself or anything.
He has not even expressed why he ended it and what needs to be fixed.
Erin
Look here my girl, when you break up with someone, you don’t get the same person back or go back to the way things where. There is always a shift, a change in energy and vibration and nomatter what you do, it won’t be like old times.
As for getting back together, what has changed from the last time you broke up, what improvements or solutions have been made that guarantee a second try?
Look hon, don’t fall into the trap of dating a man’s words instead of his actions. His words said one thing, his actions are saying another.
I honestly think you guys were quick to reconcile but without addressing the thing that led to the breakup. It’s seems the enthusiasm is on your side only.
Like said don’t date a man’s words, date his his action.
Take a step back from the situation and watch what he’ll do.
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