Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › He says he needs to concentrate on himself and wants friendship
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Lisa.
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Anna C
Hi everyone. Thanks in advance for your help and advice and thoughts.
I was with my man for six months and it was good. He pulled back and said his feelings changed and we ended. We stayed in contact and went out together as friends a few times. We got close again, and he said he wanted to try again, which I did too. So we did. I was warier and it wasn’t as intense as it was I’m the first few months. Which was likely a good thing because that stage was the honeymoon period. There’s been times we’ve felt really connected and times we have since then though. More recently I felt a distance, and we fell apart again. He seemed like a man I never knew and dare I say it depressed. We split again acknowledging we had huge difficulties and he was in a terrible mind space due to things outside of the relationship. It felt broken. And he wasn’t talking to me about how he was thinking or doing, shut me out, acknowledging he was doing this and apologised saying he still wants to be with me but eventually it just become too much and we split. That was a month ago.
We haven’t seen each other since then in person. We have had some texts, superficial stuff.
We saw each other recently though. He kindly helped me with something and we spent some time together. He seems in much better shape and head space, and says he is too, that he isn’t quite there yet totally but much better. Says he’s not dating or looking, that he’s concentrating on himself which he says he’s never done. That he’s gone from relationship to relationship and never taken time out for himself without thinking of a relationship.
I like this new attitude and man. To the point where it’s made me think I’d like to see if we could have a future once he’s taken some more time and maybe is in a better place still. Thing is I’m only getting a friend vibe. It’s all I’ve given him too purposefully as I don’t want to look needy or anything.
He has suggested we spend an evening next week together as friends. How do I proceed if I want him back? Do I disappear? Or do I spend a bit of time/light texting for a while and keep in the picture of the woman he fell for. I also respect he is working on himself and even if he said to me next week I want ya to try again I would say no, that he needs to continue his path for a while, but maybe in the future we could slowly see
Better off single
Take your time. Let him do all the work if he wants to see you.
Amy
He seems wishy washy in his interest…not really a good sign. And is now demoting you to the friend zone. Also, whenever (in my experience) a man tells you he is “focusing on himself” it usually is a nice way of telling you that he doesn’t want a relationship with you. You obviously like him more than a friend and he isn’t reciprocating the same feelings. You’ll probably just end up hurt in the end…it’s better to not hang out with him until you no longer have feelings for him. You’ll end up wasting time on him. Sorry to be harsh…good luck.
Anne C
He hasn’t been wishy washing through our time together. More jumping from this is totally what I want, focusing in on it and then going to the opposite.
I finished it with him. The distance between us emotionally was too much and we couldn’t talk – so I ended it with him. I was wondering about the concept of a man needing to feel a sense of himself and his fundamentals in his life in order. I got a sense that prior to our split he was struggling with this. He was married for a lot of years, then split up and jumped straight into another another relationship in two months. That ended and he commenced looking for another partner after that. He recognises that was unhelpful to him, that he’s not had time on his own. I was with him after his split from his relationship after his wife. He did have some months on his own then, it still focusing on finding someone else. Enter me. Right now he is being clear he’s focusing on being alone and being with that along with sorting the other things that have been difficult for him such as his money, settling into a new job and so on that we’re so affecting him before.
Amy
I guess that makes more sense now..and good for you for ending it. Unfortunately it seemed like bad timing for you. The most important person for you is you…so recognizing that this situation wasn’t suiting your needs was a very strong and good move. I’m sure you guys can be friends in the long run if that’s what you want.
Anne C
Thank you Amy. Thing is right now I am thinking I may want him back after he’s had some time. Is it best to continue seeing him as a friend or disappear or regular texts or none and just respond to his? I’m not sure I want to stay in the friend zone and see him get healthy – maybe even with my help! then find someone else !
Newbie
I have a feeling you called it quits to trigger him missing you. Since your last post already reflects getting back in touch again. I would let it go by now. He doesnt need a nurse to get healthy and youre deluding yourself In thinking you would be happy if he then would find someone else. Stick to the no contact. If he really really would miss you, he would get in touch.
Sophia
A friend would want him to get better whether he ends up with you or not. As you want a relationship with him, what you really want is for him to get better and come back to date you again. There’s no guarantee that will happen though.
As you’ve ended it with him I think you should move on from him. Otherwise you could be settling yourself up for heartbreak down the road.
If he seeks you out once he feels he’s completely whole is a different scenario altogether and can be addressed should that happen. But pretending to be just a friend and okay with it will drive you nuts.
He knows where to find you. Until that happens, if it does even happen, I think you need to go forward with your life.
Anne C
I agree however he suggested we see each other again next week, not me, when he helped me with something this week again that he offered and arranged to do, leading to us seeing each other after a month. I haven’t pushed myself into him at all. We are also attending the same function next month so will not be able to do nc properly. Hence I don’t want to fall into friend zone quickly, but want to give him space to do what he’s trying to do right now and in future when the time is right for him, if I’m still single he might still consider me an option
Lane
Do not have contact with him! I am serious about this. Men need to come to you when they are fully ready, and if not, there is nothing you can do or say to make him feel differently.
Men are, for the most part, very focused when it comes to something important to them, need to solve, or work on. You are not important, not what he’s focused on right now. I don’t mean this in a negative way but in a way that this isn’t where his mindset is at, its elsewhere, and giving a man room (space) to work on and solve it before he can be open to something else, such as a relationship, will go a lot further than constantly reminding him your alive, he knows you are, so you don’t have to remind him.
I’ve had several men run back when we left like this. I let them go do their thing and I went on with my life doing mine. I absolutely believed I would never see or hear from them again, and then BAM, they came back months later without any prompting by me and stepped ALL IN without me having to do anything. If they weren’t all in, I walked right the heck back out!
Never give a man the power to determine your love life, that’s solely under your control and need to use it. It either all or none, a hell yes or a hell no—anything less than what YOU want is a futile waste of time and energy.
Anne C
Thanks Lane. What about this arrangement I agreed to next week? And the function we will both be at in around a month? How do I manage those?
Anne C
We also share some friends. It would be impossible to totally disappear you see
Anne C
Just refreshing this in case lane reads the responses- would appreciate a bit more advice on the above query thanks.
Lisa
Since you’re both going to be at the same place, be cordial and friendly, but not overly friendly. Don’t call him up for help or anything after this. Don’t let him breadcrumb you and pop up every now and then. Let him pursue you if he’s in the right frame of mind, wants to see you again down the road and is ready for something serious…. AND if you’re still available and interested. Don’t put your life on hold while he’s figuring himself out. IF you find someone else in the meantime, good for you.
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