Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › He said he wasn’t there yet and not in the right place for a relationship
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Jane.
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Elle
I’ve was dating this guy for a few months that I met online. Before our first date we were texting, sending voice notes, video messages and spoke on the phone. He met me where I live and we walked by the river chatting, laughing and generally just being comfortable and flirting with each other. He bought me flowers and because it was raining he held my umbrella the whole time we were together. He told his family how great it went and they could tell how excited he was. I went down very well with them basically! We went on more dates and he continued to buy me flowers each time (until I said stop for a moment because I have no more empty vases haha!) and he waited until our third date to kiss me which was in a really romantic setting. Everything was great and he was a decent guy – was open about things, didn’t smoke or really drink, mature, family orientated, shared same values and interests plus his words matched his actions. His friends knew about me too and he wanted me to meet his family, spend a week away somewhere and what he was getting me for my birthday. Towards the last few weeks and our last date he said that he felt lucky to have someone like me in his life right now, I always looked beautiful (he’d often look me right in the eyes and move my hair away from my face), how I’d definitely given him a tug inside, it was nice to know that we were both on the same page and wanted this to happen, he was excited for our future/adventures, and that he’s hoping to move his job so he’d be based closer to where he’s from and also to me. Then one weekend I didn’t hear from him at all and I knew something wasn’t quite right but he did let me know the Sunday evening and apologised he had to work across the weekend and they didn’t have any wifi so it was difficult for him to text/he purposely had to drive out to send it when he had chance. He apologised that he can’t be the person he normally is right now and that he had something going back home which was on his mind a lot and sorry if he seemed distracted. I let him know that I was there for him and that he could talk to me about anything. He said that he’s honestly never met anyone as considerate as me and thanked for the support. He continued to message me for a few days then I suggested that on the back of what he said that he needs space and he appreciated that. Just over a week later he text me again to say sorry that he hadn’t messaged, he has been trying to find himself and what he wants, that I deserved better. He felt he wasn’t in the right place for a relationship or there quite yet. That I was genuinely lovely and he had a lovely time with me.
I was completely hurt and confused however I’ve been in three weeks no contact with him to help move on with my emotions and also give him my absence. I’ve been keeping myself busy throughout this whole time from when he needed some space, however some days I cry a lot and others I’m like “you want a break up, and that’s what you’re getting!” I know when I met him he’d come out of a 2yr relationship but she never liked he was in the military and that always became an issue. They’d been broken up for 9mths before he met me and he used that time to deal with things which I thought was mature. I’ve found out that whilst we were dating his ex has got into a new relationship and I wonder if that has knocked him back a bit? He’s mentioned too that in the past he was more in it than the girl and they’ve used him for different things.
I know the right thing is just to continue the no contact and be busy/concentrate on me. I can’t help but hope he’ll come back. It’s scary that he was exactly what I’ve personally wished for or wanted in my head but for now got to trust the process!Ewa
Hi,
Sorry this is happening to you but I guess we have all been there, don’t worry about his past relationship.
I don’t know where you are from but here in England military men are not good for dating, they are very shady and usually have 2 lives. One at home and one where they are based. So I am thinking when he said stuff to deal with at home , he might be seeing someone else there… not something you want to hear but mostly likely he met someone else. I am pretty sure even if he didn’t want the relationship and was fully single he would still continue seeing you but in this case he met someone else.I was in the same situation , after 3 months , guy asked me for a space so I gave it to him , turned out he was already in relationship with another woman….
I am guessing you 2 were not exclusive and still on dating sites? And if he didn’t contact you in those 3 weeks then he is gone I am afraid.
But well done to you for keeping yourself busy and handling it with classElle
Thank you @Ewa for your lovely reply!
Yes I’m from England too and agree where you are coming from there! There are a few good ones, but I agree with you about the majority! He wasn’t directly in the military as such like with the army etc but joined so he had a job concentrating on his passion which is space.
I know he’s not seeing anyone else either, he’s hardly on his phone because of course I immediately thought “there’s someone else” but I’m sure there isn’t and also that’s how his family knew he’d met me because for a guy who was never on his phone, he always was with me.I’m sorry to hear about your situation! We give them what they want/be respectful and then we just get treated like nothing and it’s disappointing! Yeah we weren’t exclusive yet but both had come off the dating apps. I’m back on there and I haven’t found him back on there though so kind of makes me think he did need to sort stuff out with himself etc. Also no contact from him at all yet, 3 weeks since our break up but coming up to 3 weeks no contact. It’s stupid but I am half and half like “he’s gone” and “he might realise and come back” haha.
Thank you for that last part too, means a lot! :)
Ewa
you’re welcome.
So what advice are you hoping to get?
I think most people on here will tell you if he wanted you he would get over his baggage etc but he clearly stated he doesn’t want the relationship and in a way he did you a favour, not strung you along .
I would not hope that he will be back but I know how it feelsZoe
There is another woman in the picture and he chose her. 99 percent. He will contact you for sure if it doesnt work out with the other girl but do you want to be his second choice? I wouldnt
Ewa
also the reason why he is not on dating sites is because he is seeing someone else , I know everyone can have a different opinion but men usually never leave someone to be single…
Elvira
Hi Elle
I honestly think this is a situation of “he is just not that into you”…I am sorry to say!
After only a few weeks/months one party will decide if this is something they really want. From your description of the time you spent together it seems you put a lot of thought in his every move and it may have shown from the beginning that you were way more invested than him.
I get being understanding but the beginning stages is where you are anxious to spend time together not taking a break. I had a guy tell me after a few weeks together that he felt like he wasn’t ready and things were moving too fast. I said OK see yah! – no sympathy on my end. Well a few months later he was back I didn’t care his reason for leaving/coming back all that mattered was how I felt now. If your not ready for something then don’t start it be honest from the beginning. After he came back I went out with him once and then told him I was not interested and then I met someone I really liked and was not confused about his feelings.
Liz Lemon
If you read this site you’ll see most guys don’t really decide if they want to pursue something serious with a woman until they’ve dated 3-4 months. You said you dated this guy “a few months” so I assume you were in that time frame.
A guy can be totally sweet and romantic for the first few months of dating, then he will take stock of the situation and decide whether he actually wants a relationship with the woman he’s dating. That’s why so many relationships end after 3-4 months of dating. There are so many women on this site who are confused because they guy they’ve been dating for a few months sudddenly becomes distant, or ghosts them, or dumps them. Unfortunately it’s just the way men date. Women get really attached to the guy early on but men don’t.
Who knows what this guy’s problem is– but the only thing that matters is, he isn’t that into you. He’s just not. No guy who was falling for a woman would go 3 weeks without contact! And he told you he couldn’t give you a relationship, so at least he was honest. He may have baggage about his ex, he may be seeing someone else, it may be something totally unrelated. The point is, he doesn’t feel strongly enough about you to continue. So my advice is, consider this over. He didn’t choose you. Don’t expect him back– in fact you shouldn’t even WANT him back– why would you want a guy who leaves you high and dry for weeks after months of dating? Try to cultivate that mindset. He didn’t want you, so you don’t want him. It stings, I know! It sucks. But all you can do is move on.
Khadija
I noticed a couple things that I would suggest changing going forward.
Don’t spend hours texting, talking, sending videos etc before a first date. I feel like it causes people to get invested way too early. While the dates went well, sometimes they don’t and you have invested too much time and energy in someone you don’t know.
I also noticed you mentioned often he wouldn’t do this or that, you hardly know him so you don’t know what is normal for him. It takes months and even years to determine someone’s character.
If a man says you deserve better, believe him. That’s a warning and one you don’t take lightly.
And lastly he may in fact be hung up on this ex, do you really want to be his rebound? I hope not.
Move on from this guy and I hope you find someone who is ready for something serious. Best wishes.
AngieBaby
I always feel so bad for the ladies posting here because of a man who started out hot and heavy with them and then does the slow fade or just ghosts within 90 days because he’s not feeling it, doesn’t know what he wants, is confused, isn’t ready or whatever the excuse is.
When there’s an intense start-up it almost always crashes and burns just as fast. It may or may not be that he’s not into you. Guys who hit you like Tigger right away are running from something – the end of the last relationship, feelings for someone else, loneliness, their own damage, etc. They aren’t available for real connection, so when it gets real, they flee.
When a guy says you deserve better than me, not only do I believe him, I don’t ever want him again. That’s either 1) someone with extremely low self esteem and a lot of issues or 2) someone who’s doing things he knows full well are wrong. I have learned this one the hard way, several times. When a guy says that we tend to jump to reassure him he’s good enough, but oddly that makes him respect you even less for being willing to lower your standards.
Sorry, this situation really sucks. Take this as a learning and move on. In the future when a guy starts out like a jack rabbit with you, slow waaaay down and don’t believe the pretty words and promises. He’s not likely for real and he will show his true colors just as fast if you’re willing to see them.
AngieBaby
I also second what Khadija said – don’t spend a lot of time talking before you meet. I’ve learned that’s a yellow flag right away. Talk a little and arrange a low key date to meet. I learned not to go to dinner, it’s too much time and it’s awkward when the check arrives. Happy hour for a drink and nibbles is enough, 60-90 minutes only. Or coffee or casual lunch on a weekend, also keeping it short. Even if you hit it off. Leave him wanting more.
Guys who start texting every day or want to talk every day until you meet are either needy or trying to hook you fast. And I can almost guarantee if you spend too much time talking before you meet it will fall flat in person. I’ve had that one a few times and it’s embarrassing. You want to know the real person, not a voice on the phone or a text or a video image. That can only be done face to face.
Maddie
Liz, Khadija, and Angiebaby are all spot on! The only thing I want to add is, if you believe him that he’s going through some stuff and are hoping he comes back once that’s sorted, try looking at this with another perspective. In a situation like this, I don’t think it really matters the reason or even the level of depth of feelings. It may have nothing to do at all about how he feels about you. But what does matter is he deals with his problems by disconnecting from you instead of turning towards you. Is that the kind of man and relationship you want? He’s shown you how he is in doing this, how he deals with stress and problems, believe it the first time you see it. As was said above, it takes time to get to know someone’s true character and if they are consistent. You’ve had some time and this is what you’ve seen, and you’re lucky he’s showing it to you relatively early. No matter the reason (and it doesn’t need to be a reason that’s negative about you, it is probably all him and that he enjoyed playing the role of romantic fake-boyfriend but wasn’t available for real commitment when it came time), what matters is the action outcome: when overwhelmed with whatever is up with him, he withdrew and flaked. That’s probably his MO, and it wouldn’t get better with deeper commitment and joint responsibilities, it would most likely happen again and again. Not someone worth pining over for his return IMO.
I’m sorry it hurts, but don’t sell yourself short!
Jane
So funny, that similar thing happened to me recently. I also was so caring and understanding with his life troubles and problems, for more than 1,5 years of my life. Believed every word, how he said I’m the dream girl and how he told his friends he would like to get old with me. He was so proud of us taking things slow, but I felt things didn’t go nowhere so one day I told him I’m not happy with what is here, asked him straight were is this going. Next thing word by word – he didn’t know what he wants. Then the super extra understanding me said – ok, take your time to deal with your problems and decide what you want. He asked for 3 months. I gave that time. But already saw how he added new girls to his Instagram. So after those 3 months he says he isn’t ready for a relationship. But its not that he isnt ready for it with me, but all together no relationship at all. And he loves me and everything. At first I believed him and stayed “friends”. Until it struck me – wtf. He is clearly bull****ting me. So I blocked him everywhere and am trying to move on. Let us all see our worth and be less understanding and ask for things we want. If we dont get them than screw them!
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