This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Sensy 1 month, 1 week ago.
September 21, 2020 at 2:50 am #813812
Before I go on explaining this situation I should let you all know that this is going to be a LOOOONG introduction. So I am just apologising beforehand :)
I’ve been dating a man since July (roughly 2-3 months). We kicked it off pretty well initially. Same places in life (we’re both single parents and know “that” life), we both are looking for something serious, similar interests, and have great chemistry. However, we were intimate early on, and I feel as though it started to overshadow the “building a connection-getting to know each other bit”.
We would go on lovely dates, he introduced me to a friend or two (he met two of mine as well), and he would woo me or try to connect with me in other ways. Since Corona limited the activities we could do in our city, we would explore the town, watching sunsets at the beach, he would cook these lavish meals (he’s a food nerd and has cooking as a passionate hobby of his), etc. But after every date it would wind up as a sleep over. I’m comfortable in my sexuality, and don’t mind physical intimacy. But I can overthink situations sometimes and instead of voicing my concerns, the introverted part of myself retreats into myself and prepares me for the worst. I eventually started closing myself off in a way (being stuck in my head contemplating what we were doing) and he picked up on that and drew into himself as well.
I asked him at the end of August during one of our dates if he was interested in seeing each other more (during the weeks he didn’t have his kids) as I liked him and was keen on seeing where this would go. He agreed, but later on that evening sent me a text stating that he had thought a lot about what I had said earlier. That he sees it that I want to invest more in us, but that he isn’t sure if it will be an “us”. That while he’s thinks that I’m beautiful and have a lot of great qualities, he noticed unfortunately that those times we do actually see each other that we don’t really “ talk/communicate”.
I explained how I closed up a bit due to not really knowing what we were doing. And not knowing what his intentions were. As much as I do enjoy our physical dynamic, having a FWB connection wasn’t my sole intention when we met each other. He stated he went into it wanting something long term and not just casual. Then there was a bit of back and forth with what I/he wanted.
Told him that I wasn’t interested in having a fwb relationship at this point in my life. That even though it’s nice to have found my “match” in a sexual sense, I feel that it got in the way of us getting to know each other. But that if he is open to it, we could perhaps meet each other and just talk to see if there is a spark there. As he made me giggle (a joke between us) and open up before we started humping like rabbits. But if he isn’t, I understand and wish him well.
He had agreed, said that he wants to be able to “giggle” as well, and to meet up and see what happens.
The next following weeks however were difficult with trying to coordinate a day to meet. As autumn approached, things were getting rather busy on both our ends. He’s a single father of two, so balancing that life with taking on a plethora of different projects for work (he is a freelancing animator/designer for films and commercials)was rather difficult for him. He told me earlier on (before the hiccup) that he had gotten some pretty lucrative offers and projects from a number of well-known film companies, and while he was excited to be taking them on, he was worried about being stressed and not having that much time to the things he enjoys.
On my end, things weren’t that stress free either. Balancing the single mom of one life, working full-time, and now returning to Uni full time. It is difficult getting used to these new routines but they are starting to let up a bit. So there had been a couple of weeks of trying to coordinate a date but he would be swamped with work or have his children, and it would be likewise for me. He apologised and admitted that it has been one thing after another these last few weeks, but set up a dinner date for us a week ago.
We met and it felt like it did initially. Lots of chemistry, there was alot of indirect flirting back and forth (he would keep staring at me and smiling). But we agreed to keep the focus on us talking, and the flow was nice. Just how it was for us in the beginning. After a couple of hours of exploring the city we wound up going back to his place for coffee. Sat on his terrace for a number of hours and just talked…after a moment he reached over to hold me. We kissed. One thing led to the other and we wound up sleeping together.
A couple of days later we touched base and I wound up inviting him out for a film that evening. It had been something we had both been wanting to see…but he couldn’t then (was meeting up his friend for a couple of beers — that I had met before) but that he was free the following evening and that he was looking forward to it.
Unfortunately the following morning, he sent me a text cancelling stating “that he realised that he really needed an evening to recharge his batteries as he was having a stressful meeting for work the day after.”
I just replied with “No worries. Enjoy the rest of your day. Hope that the meeting goes well tomorrow”.
That was on Thursday… and I haven’t really heard anything back from him since. Should I just cut my losses and take it as he wasn’t interested in the first place or had a change of heart after his evening with his friend. Or be open to the possibility that he was/is in fact overwhelmed with work?
He’s usually on his IG often (if its not posting stories and the like), but I noticed that this past week he hasn’t posted anything. But he is watching my stories, but hasn’t reached out. What gives?September 21, 2020 at 4:41 am #813827
I have been in this situation and let me tell you, you are saying you don’t want FWB , yet he told you he doesn’t want you literally as a gf and you still slept with him.
I am sorry to say it but have some self respect, he told you in a nice way there won’t be ‘us’ so accept it and move on :)September 21, 2020 at 5:36 am #813842
Cut your losses and move on. If you want a serious relationship, this is not the guy. He told you as much and his actions speak even louder.
So do your actions in fact. I mean you say want to see if you are compatible and keep sex out if the relationship for a bit, yet you don’t even manage 1 date without sex. Seems like a purely physical connections on both ends.September 21, 2020 at 8:47 am #813862
T from NY
The most precious asset a man gives is his time. If a man puts you in a time slot (once or twice a week let’s say) then has a hard time “fitting” you in anywhere else – it means he doesn’t want a relationship at that time, or he doesn’t want a relationship with yOu.
Trust what your gut is telling you. If it feels like a FWB that’s because it is. Because the man is not making you FEEL you are his girlfriend. A man who wants you as his partner makes sure you know you are. A man who wants a relationship doesn’t choose to have a beer with his buddies, then cancel a date with you to relax. That’s a SINGLE man.
I just broke off a “situationship” at the beginning of the summer with a guy I had been seeing for months even though he called me every single day, took me on dates twice a week. There was a LOT of contact. But he struggled with the gf label and didn’t talk about a future. It was obnoxious to have him so up my arse but not FEEL we were connecting on the next level or saw a shared potential. It was hard to break it off but I’m glad I did. The guy I’m dating now WANTS a relationship, the label, the whole deal. You deserve a man who wants to invest in you. No excuses about single parent life. If he wanted to be more to you he could, he would. Break it off and date yourself until you find an emotionally available man.September 21, 2020 at 9:07 am #813866
Most women here reading only need to read the first paragraph and the first sentence of the next one (its 3-4 months) to know how this story goes: first nice few months where both seem to look for serious and fall for each other. But then the woman notices there is no progess in terms of becoming a couple and asks the guy where is this going. Which results in a sudden shift, a suddenly not knowing if he wants a real relationship. After that talk (and remember you only asked for more time which is a reasonable request in that time frame) you knew the answer and should have said, ok we both want different things, take care and walk out. Instead of dragging this on for months. Its not that this guy has been playing you. This is really classic how guys are wired to date: woo the lady and after a few months suddenly asking themselves: but do i want to be with her forever? His answer was: no i dont see it. But men find it hard to tell women the truth so they make up nice rejections where women hear the nice stuff and not the rejections. Dont drag this on longer. It dont get you the man. Google 7 stages a guy falls in love and you have all you need to knowSeptember 22, 2020 at 1:41 pm #814377
Just lean back and make him miss you. He may not be able to get to a place of really valuing you because you were an FWB to begin with or he may just be emotionally unavailable altogether because of having no time due to work.