He never asks questions


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This topic contains 48 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  ANM Staff 4 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #437113

    Alice

    Hi, I met this guy he is really nice and caring and has qualities of what I’m looking for in a man. We saw each other once before and he’s asking to meet me again, he also texts me everyday. The problem is while he has no problem answering my questions and talking in detail or sharing stuff about himself, he never asks me anything. Even when I for example asked about his job he would answer but wouldn’t even say how about you. I really can’t figure out if he’s really bad at communication or if he’s just not interested in knowing anything about me… I stopped mentioning stuff about myself because I don’t even know if he wants to know this stuff…. Any insights?

    #437123

    Jordan

    I went on a date with a guy like this and personally I found it a turn off. A guy who is interested will ask questions. Not talk about himself all night. Needless to say, I cut the guy off. Maybe you should do the same.

    #437138

    Sanni

    A guy who doesn’t ask questions about you and your life, has little to no true interest in getting to know you on a deeper than a physical level.

    #437146

    redcurleysue

    Yeah – a relationship is two people sharing…not one on a soapbox…I would move on.

    #437199

    caetru

    Hi, I have been dating a guy like this as well for about 6 weeks. We have a good time together and he likes to tell stories about his past and will answer any questions I have for him, but he usually doesn’t ask me about myself. At times when I tell him something he’ll say “I was wondering about that” so I don’t know if he’s not interested in learning about me or isn’t asking for some other reasons.

    #437206

    Janet

    Maybe just ask. “would you like to ask me any questions about myself?”

    That’s a big enough hint, see if they step up, if not, move on…some guys are scared to ask for fear of being intrusive, and mostly men offer each other information in the way they communicate, not like us girls who ask away lol

    #437210

    Sin

    I agree with Janet here. Give him the hint once (Give him the benefit of doubt) cuz he seems fine otherwise. If he does not step up then move on. A guy who really wants to get to know you will ask questions about you and check on you often.

    #437268

    Myliee

    I’ve been with a guy like this for a little while now, and like you, I feel/felt as if I was an open book. About two months ago though, I came to the realisation that maybe I’m not as open a book as I thought I was…and I figured this out by thinking about the differences in how he responds as compared to how I do…it’s just that our communication styles are different.
    Our conversations up until recently have always seemed to be about him and his life. Why? Because when we start out a conversation and he says hey how are you I answer with how I’m feeling and maybe a quick vague blurb as to why…’I’m ok, a bit stressed I’ve been busy’ or ‘I’m great! Good day today got a lot of things accomplished’ and so on.
    But when I ask him how about you? How are you doing? He will give a whole lot more information. Not so much how he’s feeling, but about what he’s done and events that happened. And not in an annoying way either, we get into real great back and forth conversations about a variety of things.
    I’ve come to realise that while I know I am an open book if someone asks me about me and my thoughts on a specific topic, I’m not so great at just offering up bits of information about myself out of context. I think I had figured that if I did it was all pretty uninteresting stuff. I’ve since come to realise that if I’m not bored by his day to day stuff in the least I shouldn’t be worried about bringing up my stuff either

    #437359

    Em

    Alice

    I agree with the prevailing consensus that this is not a good sign.

    An interested man wants to learn more about you if his interests are more than physical. Even if he is shy he asks questions. Be observant of those who do not.

    Also be observant when a man is not receptive to reasonable questions about him.

    #437366

    dixit

    umm… I think it depends on his temperament. I am interested in almost everything other people tell me about themselves, but in general, I don’t like asking questions :D on the other hand, I know people who are somehow used to asking questions all the time while they don’t even care about the answers! they ask and ask but sooner or later you’ll find out they don’t really listen to you and while you talk, they are thinking about another question to pose :D

    #437429

    princessa

    He is just trying to impress you, dancing around you sort of speak. You know how those birds do when they try to impress a female? I wouldn’t be concerned he is just being a male and trying to win you over by all the qualities that he has.

    #437445

    anne

    I was married 25 years to a guy who didnt let me ask questions. It was ‘wrong’ and I was closed down if I asked. It has taken several years for me to ask questions again… never meant that I wasnt interested, or didnt want to know though! Just learned that it was safer not to ask…

    #437447

    R

    It doesn’t actually come as a surprise to me that this is a common thing from men. I think this is just plain rude. I think men often get away with a lot of bad behaviours – and it’s probably women who are letting them away with it, grinning and bearing it, hoping that one day they might fall in love with us! I reckon these types of men are probably not even aware how self absorbed they are being. I would either ditch him or do as Janet says.

    #542900

    Emmanuel

    Okay I’m really hurt by all your replies buh I’ll lay my opinion… I’m that kind of guy.. I don’t ask questions cos it will make me care… I fear to care cos I’m over sensitive.. Meaning I hurt a lot… Definitely we love quick and with all our heart buh we have been hurt a lot that now all we do is try to help ourself not to care enough.. You could start by letting us know you’ll be there.. We are lonely souls

    #542912

    Tallspicy

    Men do not communicate in questions, so this whole thread is feeling like advise from women who do not understand men very well. They communicate by comment to comment, so if they are engaging with what you said, that is them showing interest. If they turn it back to them with no link to your questions, then they are not interested….

    So if you share a travel story, they share a travel story. Oh yeah, me too.

    If you say you like a type of food, they share what food they like.

    But is you say a travel story and then they move to food, they are selfish.

    You get the idea…

    #542924

    bonita

    I was dating a guy similar to the type you are describing. He was very shy and not much of a talker. I noticed he never asked me anything other than “how are you”, “how was your day”, “what you up to”.

    So I would initiate talks revolving getting to know each other. When I asked him a question about his life, he would almost always ask me the same question back. A passive guy all around and sort of lazy.

    Anyway, long story short – he turned out to actually be a player. Players are not interested in anything more than the superficial. I am not saying your guy is a player but if I were you, I would look at any other signs of disinterest from him. Could be he is just shy. If you see player type behavior in conjunction with this, run as fast as you can!

    #549452

    Kim

    My colleague was stressing over something similar. She stumbled on this site and then sent it to me for my thoughts.

    WOW! I didn’t realize how many ill-informed women are out there. As a woman, I’ve learned that men are amazingly complex in their simplicity. Do you all not understand that we are not the same? In our very essence we are different, but those differences are absolutely wonderful….when we attempt to learn how the other thinks and communicates.

    Most men (TRULY) are not players. As a matter of fact, they abhor games to the point where they won’t play yours. When they don’t, they are beaten up for it. Shame on us, women!!

    The majority of men (and there will always be exceptions) do not ask questions in machine gun fashion as women do. That doesn’t mean that they have zero interest in the women in their lives. Pay closer attention to what he does than what he says. Does he remember things you’ve discussed in the past and brings them up again? That demonstrates that he cares enough to use his mental space to remember things about you. Does he tell you about his work day in more than that it was “fine”? That demonstrates that he wants you to understand what a good worker he is, etc.

    We spend far too much time expecting (and even to some degree wanting) men to think and communicate as we do. We look for meaning in every comma and lacking exclamation point. Instead, we should consider what it is that men want from the conversation (and subsequent relationship) with us… they want someone with whom they can share everything … that means they need someone with whom they can feel safe, not judged, not chastised, not corrected. They are truly looking for someone they can share their most guarded emotions with… because men have them! Each time a woman cuts bait and runs, he pushes that tender and broken heart deeper, where it’s harder for the next woman to find.

    My advice to the original poster, put your pride aside. If he’s a good man, treat him like one. Don’t doubt, just do!

    #549511

    Emily

    It’s not normal for him not to ask questions. He’s either weird, not that interested in you, or desperate and just doesn’t want to know anything about you. None of these outcomes is good. If you were my friend, I would advise you not to continue with him. There’s no excuse for him not to ask questions about you. Even if he is clueless, as another poster suggested, do you really want to date someone who does not understand the basic rules of social interactions?

    #556672

    Monica

    Hmm, all of your observations and comments are quite interesting. I have been wondering the same about a person who hasn’t asked a single question about me but has been very generous with answering my questions about his life and experiences. I do find myself asking questions in “machine gun” fashion as someone has mention earlier and need to pay better attention to slowing down. I also think that sometimes I forget that I have to let go of my “motherly instincts” and not make suggestions or fix things. According to some articles, I think that men would take that as a sign that they are incapable or need help. It’s a challenge since in my work, I manage male employees.

    #556690

    Maria

    Monica, this post is very old..

    But to address the same issues, whatever the differences, it is RUDE plain RUDE to never ask any questions, whether your guys is sensitive or not. Usually it is an indication of deeper issues, i.e. selfish, self-absorbed, if I am sensitive, then I am allowed to be rude. A person who is not interested in you..why do you need to psychoanalyze them? This is not “normal” by any cultural standards, and as such it is a red flag.

    If you see both sides of the story as equally valid, i.e. not asking any questions being rude and abnormal versus it is totally cool when this happens, I suggest you go by how it makes you feel. Clearly, if you posted here then you are not happy with it, and I dare say you have all reasons not to be. Lets not look and invent fancy explanations to simple things. A nice decent caring guy would not be behaving this way.

    #556712

    M

    I agree this is a case of women not understanding men.

    It would be “rude” for a woman to not ask another woman “how about you?” But it is not something that would be considered rude amongst men. As others have pointed out, we’re not all the same and what we prefer isn’t how everyone operates. We might not like it but it’s not rude to be a man and behave like a man.

    Some people don’t ask because they figure if you wanted to tell them, you would just tell them. To that person, it might actually be rude to ask a lot of questions… if he thinks respecting someone’s privacy and allowing them to share on their own terms is the respectful and polite thing to do, then he won’t ask a lot of questions. If he understands women, then he’ll ask more questions… or if he’s more like a woman, he might ask questions.

    You can tell him that you need him to ask more questions, as that shows you that he’s interested.. and then he can make an effort to ask more questions. I know it’s frustrating but it’s a pretty common man trait. My guy will tell me things I don’t ask about… like if I’m telling him a story, then he’ll chime in and tell me a story related to what I just said. Personally, I find it rude because we’re talking about me, and then he starts talking about himself… because if I wanted to know something, I would ASK about it. But in a man’s mind, it’s pretty much the opposite. He wants to tell me, so he tells me. And he doesn’t ask much because he figures if I wanted to tell him, I would do so without being asked.

    It’s frustrating but it’s how it is and we have to work to understand and adapt to each other.

    #557084

    Monica

    Maria and M:
    Great comments and insight from both, could very well be true but not quite ready to give up, just yet. Another friend had the same comment as M in that, some people feel they are being respectful by not asking questions and allowing the other person to share what they care to share. I am the opposite in that I want to know how a person feels, what they think, what they admire, dream of, love, hate, on and on. Maybe some people feel that is rude and too intrusive. So, I will take the next leap and ask if he is curious about me or would like to know more about me. From there, I’ll have my answer. Thanks again for both your input.

    #557579

    Angela

    This is pretty much why I got fed-up with the last guy I dated and eventually broke up with him (well, that, and he seemed to not want to actually see each other very often after the first month and a half…which, combined with the other thing, made it clear he wasn’t actually interested in me). It wasn’t so much that he wouldn’t ask questions, he just wouldn’t seem that interested in knowing things about me, or anything I said. I guess he seemed more interested in me in the beginning, and I figured something turned him off and made him not want to know more…but not stoop seeing me, conveniently. But pretty much all he talked about was himself, his job, his ex…he would tell lots of “stories”, too, where he would seem so animated…but if I said anything, especially something clever or funny, he would just look at me blankly and nod…I couldn’t figure out if he was just self-absorbed, or not interested in me…which, of course, was confusing, since he still wanted to text all the time…about himself, of course.

    But, having gone out with people that I wasn’t that into, I know I don’t ask them much either, or want to lead them on…but obviously, that’s more decent than actually dating someone you apparently have no interest in.

    #584761

    Noah

    Old post but I thought I’d answer it from a different perspective for those who are reading it now:

    I’m a guy who has been dating a girl for over a year that doesn’t typically ask many questions (though occasionally does in some conversations). This used to bother the hell out of me and still does at times, though it turns out she simply doesn’t like to ask any questions because she was raised to believe that it is intrusive. I have told her about my need for someone to ask questions (I do simply because I’m curious about people, and especially about someone I’m dating) and it has improved generally, though sometimes the natural resistance to ask is still there.

    In my case she is also not as expressive as I am; your case is different because he talks a lot about himself when you ask and doesn’t reciprocate. My GF will typically reciprocate, though often not in as much detail. She believes that people will tell you what they want to as far as the deeper stuff. In your case I would break up with him (if you haven’t already) — it sounds more tilted towards selfish and/or self-obsessed.

    #644662

    Yolz

    I was seeing a guy similar. He is quiet..but when he does speak its about him and his problems. He uses sarcasm as a joke..which i dont like. He doesnt ask me questions and says “i will get to know you in time” He is affectionate and can be caring.He is calm but can snap! He is 10 years older i am 49. If i say i think i should see otgershe says “ok”. He says he doesnt want to appear domineering. Pffft!

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