This topic contains 10 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lane 2 weeks, 3 days ago.
November 21, 2019 at 5:24 pm #778095
Hi, I’ve been trying to get to know a guy for 6 wks. Coffee, dinner, lunches, theater, etc. Usually twice a week.
He is very hard to get to know. Not very open but I feel chemistry between us that is physical. He holds my hand a lot but does not offer much of himself through conversation. I am trying to be patient. I do all the talking & asking questions. He seems uptight and reserved.
Another thing. He only has an automated VM message, no personal recorded like me or other guys I gave dated.
He has FB but profile very limited to public. An old post from years ago. He wont allow FB friend requests or allow followers.
Does anyone find this stuff a red flag a bit? Or am I just naive & that’s just the way people can be and it’s rather normal?
Not sure whether to keep pursuing this and wasting my time.November 21, 2019 at 5:47 pm #778110
Sounds like you two aren’t compatible.
Apparently you want someone who’s an open book and talkative.
You have a choice stick around and hopes he opens up more or find someone more your speed.
In regards to the social media, not everyone cares about that stuff. As a society we lived centuries without it and the world was just fine.
I often find women want to get info and piece together the guys life through social media.November 21, 2019 at 5:51 pm #778111
It’s okay. Some people can be like that. It’s not uncommon. I wouldn’t say you’re naive, either. It’s just that some people have a different way of interacting with the world at large.
Facebook is very pervasive and common, and a lot of people accept that. But if you learn about Facebook and how they function as a corporation, you’ll find that their practices with personal information are horrifying. Some people are aware of Facebook’s practices and controversies and do everything they can to avoid dealing with it. They might not talk about their avoidance of it, though, because Facebook is so commonly used that a person who rejects it may seem like a paranoid git. It’s unfortunate.
So in this case, you may be interacting with a person who values their privacy. I wouldn’t take his Facebook behavior and voicemail (non-)recording as red flags, at least not as standalone things.November 21, 2019 at 6:13 pm #778116
“Does anyone find this stuff a red flag a bit? Or am I just naive & that’s just the way people can be and it’s rather normal?”
I concur with LJ.
FB is notorious for selling/sharing your private data. It’s also highly politicalized (I was sucked into the vortex myself) and it brought out a very ugly side of me. I feel so much more at peace not being on there.
I only have my name on my voicemail greeting and spam call blockers.
I think some (or) most men are not that versatile in the art of verbal communication. Maybe you need more than 6 weeks to make a determination whether or not he just needs to get more comfortable with opening up.November 21, 2019 at 6:51 pm #778118
Does his phone go straight to VM when you call him? And does he call you back? Have you considered that maybe he has blocked your # and set his FB so that you can’t add him or follow him? It sounds like you are pursuing him really hard. I would back off and let him pursue you (if he wants to). You’ll find out if he’s interested if he puts effort in. If not, stop chasing him. Consider meeting other men…November 21, 2019 at 9:11 pm #778128
Sounds like you’re chasing…November 21, 2019 at 9:27 pm #778130
I don’t think the voicemail and FB are red flags in and of themselves. My boyfriend is also emotionally reserved, and has an automated outgoing voicemail message. However by 6 weeks of dating he had slowly started opening up, and it was very clear by the way he treated me that he was really into me.
Are you saying that after going on 2 dates a week for 6 weeks, this guy has not opened up to you *at all*? Not even a bit? Does he initiate the dates? Does he take you out? Does he plan thoughtful dates that he knows you will like? Does he text you sweet and funny things during the day? If you are having sex, does he cuddle you in bed after sex? How does this guy make you feel on a gut level? These are the things you should be looking at, not his voicemail message and FB.
Guys are not always good at expressing themselves verbally, but if they are romantically interested in you, they often show it through their actions.
If after 6 weeks this guy still seems ice cold and uptight to you, and you don’t feel like you’re getting emotionally closer, then he probably isn’t a good match for you.November 21, 2019 at 9:51 pm #778132
He does send sweet texts in between meetups, plans alot of dates, not all. We haven’t had sex yet – kissing, holding hands, me sitting on his lap, holding each other.
He says “its hard to let you go” some nights after our dates.
Hes not very expressive verbally. He is an IT guy who works in a computer help dept.
I want to give it time because hes very sweet. But not too long.November 21, 2019 at 9:53 pm #778134
His calls don’t go to VM, he picks up when hes near his phone.November 21, 2019 at 10:13 pm #778135
It sounds like he’s a sweet guy who’s emotionally reserved and not very verbally expressive. You have to decide if this works for you. It sounds like it does not. But it’s up to you to determine if your needs are being met.
But to answer your original question– I don’t think the automated voicemail or lack of FB access are red flags, especially given his personality.November 22, 2019 at 7:18 am #778142
It sounds like this is just his nature. My eldest son is this way, very cerebral and reserved, so it takes him awhile to open up but when he does it means he has built enough trust to shed his outer wall and let you in.
He too does not engage in social media, had very limited use of it until he just got rid of it as he told me it wasn’t bringing any value to his life. I too use it sparingly, as does my BF because we don’t put a high importance on it—its mainly there to see how our long distant family and friends are doing but other than that we rarely post anything ourselves.
As for the VM its not uncommom for it to be personalized, heck I know people who’s box is always full and you can’t even leave a message because they either forget to clear it out or don’t know how lol.
I would be a bit more patient with this one as its always best for it to happen naturally than trying to force, compel or change someone to be someone they aren’t. If after time you find him to be too reserved then just tell him why its not working out with you and seek out a man who’s more in line with what you need in a long-term partner.