He ghosted me after 5 months of dating… How do I move on?


Home Forums Break Up Advice He ghosted me after 5 months of dating… How do I move on?

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  • #536006 Reply
    April Showers

    I just wanted to post this because I really feel the need to express myself and I just don’t know where to go from here because my heart is so heavy.
    I was dating this army diver for about 5 months everything was great he was great and we were great together. The chemistry I felt like was off the charts. However he called it off out of nowhere it was just unexpected… I’ve evaluated myself and the relationship we have and I felt like maybe I did something wrong or maybe I was an idiot for not seeing the signs but it wasn’t me and there wasn’t any signs it was just him.
    Firstly, he was stationed about 40 minutes away from me… He didn’t have a car he would catch a cab to come see me about every other weekend or any chance he could get… Down to the last month we were dating he got a car and I started seeing him even more. That alone showed me how interested he was in me amongst other things like us getting tested together.. Talking about his deployment… Me even waiting for him for a month when he went out of town on a mission… So am I a fool to ever think this was actually going somewhere and to let myself be vulnerable?
    Fast forward to this past week just after he left my place…. I don’t hear from him for a week. I know our relationship and our bond for the past months so I worried about him thinking something was wrong the last thing on my mind is this guy ghosted me. But yes he did and it hurt because I did not see it coming at all and I just thought what we had was better than that.
    Anywho I got in contact with him because I wasn’t taking that I needed answers to why you would ghost someone after 5 months of dating and everything was going so well. He told me he didn’t see it going anywhere and I’m a nice girl but it wasn’t the right time for him with the military situation and all and he needed to work on himself… What I interpreted it as he was scared of commitment but I never even brought it up or pressured him I was just letting it flow… But I guess we were beginning to get too serious for him and he got cold feet.
    I told him I didn’t want to lose him we really had a great bond but he still declined so I just gave up. I actually think this guy is the first to break my heart because I’ve never felt like this before not even with my ex of 3 years I didn’t even cry over him. This guy was truly amazing he was everything I wanted in a guy. We had so much stuff in common we were practically twins. I just feel like I would never find anyone who had as much chemistry as we did. My question is how do I move on from this? Because clearly he doesn’t want me… It’s just really sad because I probably will never see this guy again we met online and we are from different towns

    #536009 Reply
    M

    Ugh. I’m so sorry. How awful!

    Firstly, any man who would just ghost after 5 months of dating is NOT a great guy, AT ALL. That shows a man who is a coward and has very little integrity.

    I doubt that makes you feel any better but hopefully it will help you remember that he isn’t the man you thought or hoped he was. This kind of man is not someone worthy of you. You deserve a man who cherishes you, respects you and who does the right thing even when it’s hard. (aka has integrity)

    lots and lots of hugs. yuck. I can only imagine how much of a gaping wound this douche bag has left on your heart.

    #536010 Reply
    M

    Ultimately, as much as it hurts now, this man did you a favor. What if you had married him and found out how awful he truly is? It doesn’t make up for the 5 months you spent and all the hurt and pain. But better 5 months than 5 years and find out he has 5 wives and families or something.

    #536018 Reply
    Lenore

    Ugh…lots and lots of hugs.

    I’m sorry, I don’t have a solution. Heart break is so hard to get over but you will in due time. I’m going through one now and all we can do is put one foot over the other. Grieve and get it out of your system but don’t let it consume you and please, whatever you do, don’t ever hope he comes back. That takes up more energy than you know.

    Good luck!

    #536021 Reply
    Sabrina

    Just learn from the experience. One of those is that men will rarely tell you they are thinking of ghosting, leaving or they are unhappy. He was thinking of this previously. A woman can usually pick up on things – subtle changes that don’t seem like a big deal but they are signs.

    Another lesson is that meeting guys online and trying to carry on a LD relationship will fail most of the time. Maybe from the start he only wanted FWB (and of course did not tell you), got what he wanted and is not outta there. Hard to say but it’s possible. Or he has met someone else, you really don’t know. Did you two have a discussion about what you both wanted?

    #536023 Reply
    April showers

    Yes we did have a discussions about what we both wanted the end goal was to be in a relationship

    #536030 Reply
    Shi

    I’m sorry you’re going through this, but believe me I understand. the guy that I had to end things with just barely a week ago is in the marines and was looking to be deployed later this year. and he didn’t tell me either that he liked me but didn’t see it going further until I brought it up. and this was after 8 months of seeing one another. he also lived quite a ways from me like your guy. all I can say is, you have to take it day by day. the first two days I couldn’t stop crying it was so hard. then the next two days there were no tears just pain. and today, I hardly feel anything. so it will get better. and yeah it sucks and hurts that he wasn’t straight up with you earlier but later you’ll look at it as a blessing in disguise that you found out sooner than later cause it would’ve hurt even more.

    #536031 Reply
    Shi

    also, even if you guys were serious, and then he was deployed for months or even years which happens often, it would be so hard to deal with. all the missing and constant worry that he’s ok and safe. I don’t think I could do it, which is one thing I tell myself to convince myself this all ended for a reason and it was meant to happen. I don’t regret any of it and I had fun with him. we were meant to cross paths but it wasn’t meant to last. I’m sure we will both find someone who cares and appreciates us enough that they’ll be open and honest with you from the start and not wait for you to bring it up all the time. hang in there.

    #536033 Reply
    Lekisha

    You misinterpreted it, it wasn’t about commitment, it was just about he didn’t want a relationship with you.

    You can’t be practically twins in 4 months with weekly dates! You fell for him too soon, he might have been very charming, but see how easily he could end this with you. Rather than being honest and directed as a military man should be, he simply ghosted. This is awful.

    Do not contact him, give time to yourself to heal, there is no rush. Be with your friends and family.

    tc,Lekisha

    #536154 Reply
    April Showers

    How could I ever misinterpreted as he didn’t want a relationship with me…. The things we did the things we talked about like holding my hand and kissing me in public or even mentioning taking a trip to his hometown…. Honestly I just feel like he probably thought he liked me more than he actually did

    #536171 Reply
    mich2572

    I am also just learning the true heart break of a deceitful person. Someone I met last year who was in a terrible relationship with a girl and he ended up selling his house to get rid of her to “be with me” b/c “he loved me”. So two months into our legit dating relationship, he now has the revelation that “he does not want to be in a long term relationship”. This comes right after our weekend together out of town, not to mention the heartfelt mother’s day card, gift and flowers he left on my front porch for me the Sat before Mother’s day. He told me that since his 18 year marriage and divorce, he had not allowed himself to be single. So what I hear is, he just wants to sleep with who ever he wants. Because three weeks ago, I was “so special and important to him”. Can someone please keep me from slitting my wrists over a complete d-bag

    #536182 Reply
    redcurleysue

    This can be the dark side of men…bailing out when you think everything is fine.

    As you look back there were subtle signs that you did not pay attention to…you felt a little distance but chalked it up to a different reason rather than he was pulling out.

    This guy is no loss…someone who can act for long periods of time is no gem. Feel sorry for the next girl who buys his ways…she will be hurt too.

    Makes you want to put a “DANGER” sign on him….

    #536283 Reply
    Bedazzle

    You said, “He told me he didn’t see it going anywhere and I’m a nice girl but it wasn’t the right time for him with the military situation and all and he needed to work on himself… What I interpreted it as he was scared of commitment but I never even brought it up or pressured him I was just letting it flow…”

    When did he say this to you? Was it early on? Or right before he ghosted you?

    Men are literal and what he said is what he meant. For some reason, we women, tend to interpret, analyze and wonder what the guy meant, when they are really clear.

    A man can be in love with a woman (not saying that he felt that way here, since I don’t know) and still choose not to be with a woman. Men are NOT relationship driven, they are purpose driven, so despite his feelings he is choosing his career. And he is right, a lot of times timing is a critical component for a man to move forward.

    Did you talk to him in the beginning before you had sex with him and find out what he wanted? This can also be a place where I see women giving up their power because they are scared to rock the boat. If you are going to have sex with a man and get emotionally and physically bonded, there is nothing wrong with asking a man what his intentions are.

    A man may not know if he wants to marry the woman he has just met, but he does now relatively quickly, if he wants to date her to see if it will develop into something, or if it is just casual.

    I don’t think you misread anything. But I am going to guess that you did not clarify in the beginning what his intentions were.

    #536318 Reply
    April Showers

    He said it wasn’t the right time after ge ghosted and I got in touch with him to get answers… We did have discussions about what we wanted thats why this was unexpected I also had check points where I would check in on him and make sure everything was going fine… Asking him thing such as are things going ok? How do you feel about me? Am I doing anything wrong? Just to avoid this very situation yet I still ended up back at square 1

    #536324 Reply
    Bedazzle

    Sorry to hear that.

    Overall I don’t know the dynamic of your relationship or what happened. The only thing I can do is try and help you with the small amount of information you have provided.

    When you are dating a man, YOU need to decide what you want and YOU keep checking to see if the guy is living up to your expectations. A guy wants to please a woman and when he is working to woo her/please her, a man is at his best and women know exactly where they stand with a man. By putting forth this effort is what makes a man fall in love with a woman. She is the prize.

    From what you wrote, it sounds like you are checking for reassurance that things are going ok. This comes across as needy and is unattractive. A man wants to make a woman happy, but he does not want to be responsible for her happiness.

    By you asking if you have done anything wrong or how do you feel about me, makes you sound insecure.

    A better way to approach talking to a man is tell him what you want and wait to see what he says. When it comes to having a talk with a guy, you say, I am looking to date someone where it will lead to a long term situation. Then you are quiet. If the guy is attracted to you and is also looking for the same, he will say so. If he is just looking for something casual he will say so.

    Again, before you have sex is also another great time to clarify what you want. You say, I only have sex with a man that I am in a committed monogamous relationship with. Then let him tell you were he stands.

    If a man is mad at you, ask him what is going on? Don’t ask if you have done something wrong?

    I think if you start approaching dating as in, is this guy good enough for me and what I want, not if you are pleasing him, you will be able to read the situation a whole lot better.

    I am sorry for your pain. I do hope this helps.

    #536326 Reply
    Vickie

    Dear April Showers,
    It’s hard to accept this now but it will get easier.
    You have lots and lots of questions and may never know the answers. May be even him does not know the answers or he knows but does not want to tell you the truth.
    It is sad that a lot of men don’t have the courage to be honest to the women. Or just do/say whatever they can to get the women and then leave the women heart-broken.
    I do believe in Karma.
    Hugs.

    #536723 Reply
    Jen

    I’m so sorry to hear this! I am going through the same thing. I met mine online and he is in the Air Force. I never saw it coming. The last night I saw him, we were cooking in the kitchen, laughing, finishing each other’s sentences, and cutting up. I had no idea he was going to peace out. The best I’ve done is just go to work and keep in contact with my friends. I’ve watched he’s not that into you over and over. I had something of his and text him if he wanted it back and of course no answer so I threw it away. Just give yourself some time is all I’ve read and been told. Keep the chin up! They won’t all be this way!!!

    #542150 Reply
    T from NY

    Dear April Showers —

    First I want to say I’m sorry you’re hurting. As unbelievable as it is — we all have relationships where we think everything is perfect but then find out it was basically perfect for us. Not to mention, as stated above, men rarely share when they’re beginning to have second thoughts or feel something is missing. In fact I’ve read on this site — women think,analyze and plan their way through relationships — we forget to stop and ponder how is this man making me feel!

    But men do the opposite — they feel their way through a relationship. They may persist in seeing a woman despite having reservations in hopes that their feelings will change, they may even project more than they feel thinking it will actually change the doubts they are struggling with — but then when they reached a limit (every mans is different) they will cut their losses quick. This all seems very abrupt to us, even cold, when really they are not telling us where their heart is at because A — they don’t want to hurt us and B — they don’t know themselves until they know.

    And just to clarify — this man did not ghost you — yes he went no contact and that was cowardly and unkind — but a true ghosting is where a person is left absolutely wondering what went wrong, not hear from the person again or have the partner gaslight them they never had a relationship in the first place. This man told you once you contacted him that he didn’t want a relationship. I know it’s incredibly painful to accept but men rarely rarely leave women because they are afraid of how much they love them or things have gotten too serious. If they are afraid it’s gotten too serious it’s becuz the are aren’t emotionally in a place to be in a relationship with anyone or becuz it’s gotten too serious with you and they do not want that.

    Find someone who is not scared to be with you — that’s easy for love. You deserve that. Everyone does. Best to you

    #542163 Reply
    Hannah

    I know this is an old post but it missed it. The thing was the signs were there and this person had posted about her military diver before…

    #542164 Reply
    Hannah

    *I missed it!

    #544159 Reply
    Tabitha

    I’ve experienced this but it happened after a year and honestly, i would prefer being ghosted by a man before ever having every little trait that he didn’t like me about, bashed in my face. (Just had this recently happen – he was really mean too!)

    The truth is; he didn’t see it going anywhere and he didn’t want to have the conversation, see you get upset and possibly start crying so he figured he would leave it be.

    All I can say is, you deserve to be treated better and you’ll find it. Try keeping yourself busy and do things you enjoy.. Over time – the pain heals and you start thinking about him less and you’ll be grateful it happened.

    #722898 Reply
    Francine

    I know exactly how you feel Tabitha. The same thing happened to me. I was dating this Suddenlink cable contractor, and he would come visit me about only one or two days a week. I met him in May of 2018 and we would see each other only once or twice a week for about only 3 months. He never took me out anywhere and I never been too his place. He told me he was seeing someone, and this cuban girl from Florida that lived with him was planning on moving back to Florida after her mother in cuba got her papers to move to Florida so she could go stay with her mother. He told me they slept in the same bed together but there was nothing physical. I think that is not true! Right!!!

    He told me he was off Sundays, but he would never come visit me on his off day, and he never answered any of my texts or phone calls until he felt like it. He also wanted to do anal sex but I told him hell no and that I did not like that. He also told me I was a good woman and beautiful inside and out, and that he did not feel comfortable around me. I asked him why, and he stated because of his lifestyle and that he liked a lot of sex. He also smoked marijuana. He disappeared for two weeks, then came back around. Around late July of 2018 was the last time I saw him. I never heard from him again. I was told that he moved to Louisiana and found a better job. It broke my heart that he ghosted me. I do not play games with love. If I do not like you I will not waste my time being around you, and if I like you, Im with you. As an Afro American lady, I have always dated outside of my race, and this is the only black man I have ever fell in love with like this. He was different, and very charming, and we had so much in common. I was willing to give a guy of my nationality a chance but sad it did not work out. Friends and family told me to let him go and move on with my life and that this was a lesson for me that I learned in life. He was not what I thought he was, and I take full responsibility for my actions, because I was too in love with him to see all the red flags. Its sad how some men play games with love because they are not mature enough to handle decent nice women. It seems like they love trashy, dirty slutty women that would do anything with lots of men. Men love nasty dirty trifling women, but they do not respect or want a decent humble, educated woman. Well, this is a lesson for all of us decent women….get to know him well first before you fall in love. If you see red flags do not fall in love and run away quick as you can!!!

    #722900 Reply
    Francine

    One more thing…..I think the law is after this man. I conducted a online background check/ police report on his name, and a profile of his mugshot in Memphis Tennessee came up as A Fugitive from justice W/O warrant. I said “oh my God”! This guy really did me a favor by dissapearing, which gave me the opportunity to meet someone better,!!!! God is good all the time!!! 💖💖💖💖💖🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌

    #722905 Reply
    Andrea

    It sounds like he knew from the beginning this was all temporary, and now he’s getting emotionally distant to prepare himself to be stationed somewhere else and never see you again. This happened to me in my early twenties with an Army guy that I had fallen for. When it came time for him to leave the area, he had a choice to make: commit and take me with him, or drop me cold. He chose the latter and it hurt for a very long time. Hindsight is 20/20 and now I can see the situation for what it was: he liked me and had “needs” he wanted met for companionship and sex, but I wasn’t the One he could see himself going all in for. You have to realize a lot of military men find a new girl each place they get stationed. It was my fault for not waiting to see if he wanted me enough to pursue a commitment before I had sex and got emotionally attached. I tended to his needs, but he did not tend to mine. Please don’t make a fool of yourself by chasing. This man has made up his mind and he’s gone. Learn some lessons and move forward with your life.

    #724124 Reply
    Diedre

    I feel ya. I got ghosted and blocked by a guy I was dating for about 4 months.

    He’s battling cancer so I am thinking he does not want me to see him weak and needs to focus on the battle, but it still hurts since he wouldn’t even give me a reason.

    I’ve spent the last 2 weeks crying because I’ve never felt like this about anyone either.

    Did it get any easier for you?

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