Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › He doesn't really ask questions
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Paula.
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Paula
Hi,
I’ve been with the boyfriend for a short while and something is really bothering me. He never really makes an effort to ask any questions about myself. I mean, he does make an effort when it comes to my day, work or superficial questions like that but it feels like he does not really care to get to know me on a deeper level. I asked him so many questions, sometimes using silly games because he is not used to talk about himself but he would never return them.
It feels like I’m definitely not unique or special to him, that it could be any other woman and he would be happy the same. I mean, if he was really head over heels, he would want to know me right?
And on the other hand, he is so sweet. He says he believes in actions and not words and he does so many little thoughtful things for me, takes me out, cooks for me, always makes sure I’m feeling comfortable, makes plan for activities we both like and he is overall very kind… I know he cares, but is it for me or for the female presence that I represent?
He says that he is always happy to listen when I talk, but as he doesn’t really ask questions, it feels like a monologue and I’m not comfortable with it.
I’m starting to get discouraged, and a little bit frustrated when he says he likes me, wondering what does he like in the stranger I am to him.
Any advices ?
Thanks !Newbie
How long are you two together? When its not that long but he is planning dates for doing fun things, i would for sure take that as a yes he is interested. Guys dont really bond with words but more through sharing and doing things. And that is what he told you. It can take a while to form a deeper bond. While a lot of women bond with words and prying to get in a guys psyche. Thats exactly what i did with my man and sometimes he still tells me he found the number of questions exhausting but he got used to it lol. At some point i stopped and let it come more from him. So we developed a more natural way of getting to know eachother. And now he is the one talking more than me. Sometimes it takes time and man and women have different ways of investing
Newbie
But also if you feel you are a stranger to him, then why you said yes to being his gf? You could have taken more time
Better off single
How much do you talk? I mean do you leave room for him to get a word in?
Paula
Hi newbie,
You’re right, we are probably investing ourselves differently, when I think about his actions and his capacity to anticipate my needs just by observing me, I’m definitely not a stranger to him. It’s just he is not super talkative, me neither, so I’m wondering if we are going to get each other on a deeper level at some point, if all the efforts are supposed to come from me considering he looks pretty happy that way… i’m so used to date men showing lot of interest by asking questions but being actually fake in the sense they are only looking for sex. This one is confusing me ! We’ve been together a few weeks.
Better off, of course he has time to talk, I’m not the over talkative type either.
Newbie
A few weeks is nothing. There is no need to be in any kind of rush. I wouldnt take the him not asking questions too personal at the moment. The best way to get to know a guy is do something with him that he loves to do. At least thats my experience with my man. It triggers memories etc. Plus guys dont really talk like gf’s. Just go with the flow and check at 6 months in how it goes. If you still feel like youre just hanging at his arm as a trophy and he hasnt expressed he loves you, then you might want to dig deeper.
Shoshannah
I think you may be overthinking this… My immediate reaction after reading your post is that you either try to apply some rules to him (such as ‘how men show interest’) or are comparing him to other men that you’ve known. Because, frankly, your problem sounds a bit superficial. What kind of questions would you like to hear? Serious ones, like if you’ve ever been abused or not serious, what’s your favorite color? No need to rush with the former ones and the latter are useless anyway. You don’t get to know somebody by asking questions, but by spending time together. You then naturally open up with time anyway.
kaye
You’ve only been dating a few weeks so I think you’re really trying to push this too much. And I’m not sure why. When we first started dating my husband would have hated playing silly games where I’m asking him a ton of questions! And he certainly wouldn’t have been inclined to ask them back! What’s more important is whether or not he’s LISTENING to you! When I first start dating I tend to tell the other person a lot about myself and they don’t even have to ask. It also gets them to open up and share without having to ask silly questions. When we were dating it didn’t take me long to realize my husband was paying attention! He would remember little things I said, things I liked, didn’t like, the birthdays of my kids, etc. Men tend to lead by actions instead of words. You already said you are used to men asking questions to get close to you so they can have sex! Why can’t you just let this relationship develop slowly as it’s supposed to? You can’t expect to me knowing this guy on a deeper level just a few weeks in. It takes YEARS to fully get to know someone
Liz Lemon
I agree with the others. A few weeks isn’t that much time at all. You need to give things time to develop naturally. And I agree that men tend to bond over shared activities more than just sitting and talking the way women can do.
It sounds to me like your boyfriend is invested in you if he takes you out, cooks for you, does thoughtful things, tries to make you happy…..that sounds wonderful! Talk is cheap, actions are what count. My boyfriend is the same way. He shows affection and love in little ways, constantly. Pretty much anything I ask him, he’ll do for me. But he’s not going to pepper me with questions about my feelings; however he listens intently when I talk, and remembers what I tell him. And when he’s comfortable, he talks to me and opens up too. But I don’t grill him with a lot of questions. I give him space to talk when he feels like it.
Like Kaye mentioned, sharing things about yourself in the course of a conversation can help the other person open up and feel comfortable. Especially if they aren’t used to talking about feelings or emotions.
The relationship is still very new so I’d give it some time. But if after a few months you continue to feel like you are “definitely not unique or special to him, that it could be any other woman and he would be happy the same,” then maybe the relationship is not meeting your needs. It could be that you two are not a good match. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy, he may just not be the guy for you. However I’d give it some time and relax. And remember that he isn’t one of your girlfriends, and men don’t bond the way women do.
Paula
Thank you all for your insight, I really appreciate! It helped me to get back to reality, I guess I was just freaking out and probably about to take the wrong way with that blooming relationship. I haven’t been with someone for a while and I tend to be easily anxious and confused. The last thing I want is to sabotage that, so I will just let it be and go with the flow.
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