He doesn't feel the connection


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  • #852759 Reply
    Maddie

    Did you look into anxious insecure attachment style? Does that resonate with you about yourself at all? If it does, you may be getting emotionally stuck and are unable to fully process the breakup at the moment, which is why the pain is dragging out. Being sad when it’s part of ruminating and wallowing (focusing on him and his feelings and actions) while telling yourself a blaming negative story about yourself (ie I must be bad or have done something wrong and made him leave, though this isn’t really true!) can actually be a way to try to hold on to the connection, make you feel more in control in a roundabout way. You’re holding onto *potential,* but it’s not actually who he is. It’s spinning around and around thinking positively about him instead of focusing on and being kind to yourself, perhaps even hoping he’ll come back, all without fully feeling your own deep feelings of disappointment because they’re threatening and painful and scary. When stuck for those reasons, it’s difficult to feel all your emotions in a way that allows you to let it go and move on. It’s more about you rebuilding your self-esteem, accepting the situation, and knowing you deserve better (so, good riddance to him!) than it is about who he is at this point.

    #852934 Reply
    Anony

    Yes I do lean towards the insecure anxious, which I think was made worse in this situation when I felt him doing the slow fade and he actually was. Wasn’t my imagination or me projecting my anxiety on to him. I am aware I can trend that way so I was really conscious of it in this relationship. I have not researched insecure anxious and how they handle breakups but I will. That’s good advice, thank you.

    I have one last question. I mentioned that he ghosted me for almost a month before I found out why he was breaking up with me. I had to reach out to him to get that explanation that he didn’t feel the connection. He said he apologized for not having the conversation. Do you think he feels absolved of any guilt for ghosting me? That me forcing the conversation let’s him off the hook? This kind of bothers me because after he told me he didn’t feel the connection all I texted back was ok. I didn’t go on a rant and tell him what an awful person he was and what a crappy thing he did to ignore me etc etc. I simply said ok, and then deleted our text thread. I regret not saying more and giving him a piece of my mind.

    Was I wrong? Wasn’t it better to just take the high road?

    I almost wish I had just left him in the graveyard as a ghost. Somehow seeking the closure backfired on me. He apparently had no intentions to ever have the talk with me, just disappear.

    What do you all think?

    #852937 Reply
    Anony

    Meaning..does he think he’s the good guy in all this?

    #852944 Reply
    Maddie

    It doesn’t matter if he thinks he’s a good guy or not, even though it’s annoying in regards to your sense of fairness. But. As I said, I’m sure he’s avoidant, and generally the avoidant guys I’ve dated knew when they were being garbage people… but knowing it didn’t stop them from doing it because they weren’t ready to actually take responsibility for themselves and their issues. I think it’s better for yourself that you reached out because it closes the door on any what if and wondering about him, making it easier for you to move on once you’re actually ready to do so.

    After you look into how anxious insecure attachment style breakups tend to look, it may also help to look into why anxious and avoidant attract each other. That may help you avoid falling into that trap next time. They do tend to have intense chemistry and instant connections at the beginning, but then competing and incompatible needs lead to things falling apart within months to a couple years. It’s a well-documented pattern of the dynamic, unfortunately.

    #852947 Reply
    Tallspicy

    It doesn’t matter what he thinks. Read that again.

    #933328 Reply
    B

    Hi Anony,
    I just came across your thread because almost the exact same thing has recently happened to me. Boyfriend of 6 months cold turkey said he just wasn’t feeling as into me as he thought he should by now. I was completely blindsided. Bonus – I work with the guy, so getting away from it all isn’t exactly possible.
    Just wanted to comment to say you’re not alone in your experience and reading that you went through this has been really validating for me. Not that there’s anything really to be done, but to know that somebody else has been through this is helpful.
    This is more than 12 months after your post so I hope you’re doing better.
    I hope to be doing better soon, too.
    Much love.

    #933331 Reply
    M

    Anonyn,

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Sadly I know exactly how you feel. I wish I didn’t. It’s devastating isn’t, when they act like you’re the one, then suddenly (almost) out of the blue they turn around and don’t want to know you anymore.

    Cry Anonyn. Cry your heart out if that’s what you’re feeling. Cry and let yourself mourn this loss. It’s unfair, it’s devastating and heartbreaking. Why oh why can’t they love us? What is wrong with us?

    Of course. The truth is, there’s nothing wrong with us, we’re just asking the wrong questions. The truth is, it’s the relationship that was wrong for us, even if we can’t see it yet.

    When you like (or even love, because truly that’s what it feels like doesn’t it?) someone, we sometimes can’t help building up this fantasy in our head of what our futures going to be like with this amazing person we’ve finally found who seems to loves us back.

    So then, when they’re gone, we haven’t only lost them, we’ve lost this beautiful new future we had planned with them too in our head. Double whammy.

    The future can look so bleak in contrast until we fill that void left in our hearts and lives from their absence.

    You will heal and get over this, I promise. Not only that, you’ll bounce back brighter and stronger and more loveable than ever before. You see, the problem was never you – it’s him. HE is not right for you. How do I know that? Because he wasn’t savvy enough to wait around to figure out all the unique wonderful brilliant and even quirky things that are so special about you. The universe has moved him aside because that privilege belongs to another who is still on his way to you yet.

    I know you can’t see it yet and it’s not easy to believe, but your true guy is coming!

    I think the other posters on this thread have given you some wonderful advice and guidance. When you’re up to it, take some time to read through again and start applying it. Eric had an absolutely superb post titled “What makes a man want commitment : Key distinction”. Also there’s some excellent guidance he’s written on the post titled “Should I text him? / is he waiting for me to text him”. Be sure to read these as there are some answers in there to your questions too.

    Now, as to this Mr Wrong who has just left a vacancy in your life, we can actually thank him. You know why? He was your Practice Guy. Yes that’s right, his job was not to stay with you forever (that spot is reserved for your True Guy, the real one who is still out there wondering if you even exist and probably telling his friends he’s beginning to worry you don’t exist!). Practice Guy’s job was only to – yes you’ve got it, serve as practice so you can assess what works, what doesn’t, get to know yourself better and how you operate in the game of love, and learn more about how guys operate and what they want, need and like. All very very very useful research and learning that will serve you so well in your future relationship (and marriage even, if that’s what you’re desiring at some point).

    Anonyn, you’re not alone I promise you. I am still heartbroken and so so so sad that the one I love does not love me back enough. Some days I’m better than others. Like yesterday morning I was feeling much better and stronger than I’ve been for months. It felt like all my hard work was beginning to pay off. Then I saw him again last night (because I’m not in a position where I can go no contact) and all those feelings just came rushing back to overwhelm me and put me back to almost square one. We only exchanged 1 sentence each, but it was enough to have me craving and missing him all over again and so so feeling as if I still love him so much.

    It totally sucks.

    Still even despite this setback, I’m better than I was a month ago. I was reading about the stages of grief the other day, and that they’re not linear.

    You know, we will get over this. We will.

    Let yourself cry, feel sad, eat lots of ice-cream and wish wish wish it didn’t have to be this way. I’ve found when I let myself feel the sadness and sorrow in full, it helps much more than when I try to repress or deny or tell myself I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Unrequited love is painful. We feel what we feel. It’s okay.

    And then tomorrow, or the day after, once we’ve had a good cry, let’s get up, go for a run, then jump in the shower, wash our hair, put on our best outfit and our favourite lipstick and get back out there. After all our True Guy is still out there!

    I wonder if the next one we meet will qualify and make the grade this time….

    Fingers crossed for both you and me!

    Sending you hugs and love, you’re going to be so much more than okay. Xxxxxxx

    #933333 Reply
    M

    Oh gosh, I’ve just realised my answer is a year too late! I didn’t see that this was an old post for some reason!!

    Oh well, feel a bit silly now! Maybe the universe just wanted me to vent and reassure myself!

    #933334 Reply
    M

    B, I’ve just read your post! Maybe my post is for you then! Sending you love and hugs!!! 😘💞💞💞

    #934967 Reply
    Ats

    Hi Anonyn,

    I am just going through what happened with you. It was pretty much the same, the guy I was seeinv for over a month he told me he really really liked me and that there was something real there, and then on my birthday he made me feel so very special and while the day was ending I asked him casually so where do you think this was going, hoping he would say towards a relationship and we were at the most romantic spot at that point, but he replied “I am not sure”, that day was devastating for me, I was upset and it was really bad, we had like a bad conversation and then he somehow said he liked me and that we should go on a few more dates and see, although he was also willing to end it, seemed very much in two minds, over the week, he seemed alright (somewhat) but on last Sunday when I again met him, I could feel he was pretending to be alright and just one thing we were doing together (Karakore) which he was not good at, it triggered something in him and I asked him if he was ok, and the same, he said that he was thinking of the same issues nothing in common, or not something we could build on, but this guy is deeply insecure about him not having relationships before so in many ways I was the first, so I am not sure, what I am trying to tell you is that you are not alone and I feel your pain! It sucked for me and I kept mopping, I tried texting him as well, initially he seemed in two minds, but soon he kept saying I dont feel it, I think I did not feel the same connection, I need time to heal, I asked him what was his hurt and he said his hurt came from causing me so much pain, but that again did not help me! So men can go from really liking you to then being in two minds to then I dont feel it so quickly that it was just so painful, so I left him a long message where I explained that I believed him on face value because that is the type of person I am and I take my relationships seriously and I also thanked him and left off in many ways it made me feel like I got some closure and I took my power back, if you have not already done that do something like that maybe that makes u feel better. Again, this could be just on a page or a message to him and then archive the chat! Hope this helps :)

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