Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › He doesn't feel the connection
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Anony
A guy broke up with me after 4 months. He said he enjoyed getting to know me but didn’t feel it, didn’t feel the connection as strong as he thought he would.
What does he mean? If we got a long so well the last four months and he told me how much he liked me and saw a future with me, how did it change overnight? what didn’t he feel?
How do men suddenly not the “feel it”? How do you not take this personally and let it affect your self esteem?
Peggy
Hi-It is not personal. He likes you but does not feel that indefinable spark or passion needed to view you as a serious girlfriend. Normal, though sad for you. Keep dating and find someone who is crazy about you!
Tallspicy
We will never be able to tell you what he meant – other than he meant it. It is deeply painful, and I am sorry you are in pain.
Please buy the book by Guy Winch about breakup recovery. He is a therapist and gives very good advise. But the general theme is – write down all the stuff you did not like about him. And detox from him like it is your life – and he is heroin.
It most likely did not change overnight and we he might simply be incapable of a good relationship long term. HE DOES NOT TAKE YOUR VALUE.
Here are some mantras:
1. Anything the world takes away is replaced with something better
2. I am lovable when Bob does not love me
3. I am worthy and deserving of a relationship that grows and has communication and repairYou are lovable when someone does not love you. And any man who walks away without trying to fix it does not have what it takes to make a long term relationship work.
HUGS HUGS HUGS. We have all been there, and it is terrible. Lean on your friends
Raven
Sorry Anony, it’s that dreaded 4 month mark…
T from NY
He did the honorable thing by communicating and did right by you, which is what everyone should do. It hurts a lot and 3-4 months is just when we ladies start to settle in and think how wonderful things are going, because healthy ladies sure as hell wouldn’t stick around that long if they weren’t. But it’s about the time a man actually takes stock and makes a decision whether to keep going. I’m sorry. We’ve all been there. By the sounds of it, you did nothing wrong – he’s just not your person. Dating is about risk because authentic love is worth all the sacrifices to get there. Feel proud you conducted yourself in a way that you chose an honorable guy, and made him feel comfortable enough to share his true feelings with you.
Tend to you. You’ll be well before you know itElvira
Hi I think that during those first few months there is a bit of a 50/50 for all of us. It is the stage where the little things will either annoy us or we find it cute. Unfortunately it happens to all of us…put yourself in the shoes of the other person. You meet someone and your enjoying yourself however, something isn’t fully sparkling but you continue –you may find that their company is nice but you’re not over the top. This is when you make that choice because if you stay longer you’re not giving that other person 100% and it isn’t fair so being honest is the best thing. The ones who are not upfront may continue the relationship but gradually the it fizzles. Then you have the person that you are with and everything is flowing so organically that there is no question on both sides that you are getting to the madly in love stage. You may have not seen the signs (or dismissed them) but something was missing for him – which was totally out of your control. You will find that partner and you will know.
Anony
He said it wasn’t one specific thing..just didn’t feel it as strongly as he thought he would. Is that supposed to make me feel better?
How do guys just turn off like that?
Anony
I should also mention he went dark for 3 weeks on me. Only when I reached out again and said tell me what happened, did he finally open up. He said he meant to talk about it but just didn’t. I forgot the exact words as I deleted our text thread already but something to that effect.
Just hurts. You feel like you’re on the same wavelength with him and he’s checking out. Makes you question what wasn’t good enough about you that didn’t spark him.
I know everyone isn’t right for everyone just feel like I’ve been betrayed with lies.
Miss_A
Ugh. This sucks and I’m sorry. If you look up “stages of falling in love for men,” it’s very different from women. Often, a man will go out of his way to impress you, woo you, and get you to fall for him BEFORE he even considers if he feels that way about you. Seems unfair, doesn’t it? He probably wasn’t intentionally deceiving you, but I know that doesn’t make it hurt any less. And it sucks that you had to drag an answer out of him. Just know it wasn’t your fault, and there’s nothing wrong with you.
T from NY
They don’t just turn off like that. If you are going to date and partner with men you have to understand they are biologically different than women. The way the fall in love, process their feelings, and move forward with a woman can be determined by them very, very differently. As I stated in my post – women stick around for months because they are future-thinkers and are evaluating the experience of being in the relationship WHILE it is happening. They continue to move forward because they can SEE themselves possibly being with that man. Whereas men are experiencing the relationship and how it makes them feel IN THE MOMENT. Their biology exerts them to woo the woman. Gain her trust and affection. Not to trick you! But because normal, healthy men want to make women happy. It makes them feel as if they are winning!
Then, for some reason, probably just due to a natural course of events and the natural timeline of things – even if they are having a lot of fun, think the woman is great – a lot of men don’t take the time to reflect on what’s happening long term with a woman until the 3-6 month mark hits. Then, all of sudden, either because the newness of association begins to wear off so the man notices he’s feeling a lack of enthusiasm, or it occurs to him what hanging out with the woman that long is gonna mean to her, or people start making comments about the amount of time he is spending with her, maybe the women starts projecting boyfriend expectations, or possibly the conversations with the woman begin to speak of the future, maybe he meets someone else he feels a lot more for, or maybe an event like a wedding or friend meet up – sparks his reflection of how he sees that woman in his life. All these things, or lots of different things, can cause him to REALIZE or ask himself – How am I feeling about this girl?
That’s why you’ll see men get distant or go somewhat quiet around the same time frame. He’s asking himself if he’s willing to give up his freedom and trying to figure out how he really feels. This man realized he wasn’t feeling what he should for something long term. And he was mature and kind enough to be a grown ass man about it and let you know.
T from NY
PS just saw your last post. I’m sorry he was scared to tell you, but I’m glad he finally did. What I’ve learned about break ups as well is – women try to sit and pick apart what went wrong and wonder if they did anything different, or if their SELVES were different – maybe the outcome could have been different. That’s just you trying to be action-oriented because it hurts like hell to sit in feelings over something you have zero control over. But you can do it. Just sit with it. You’ll be okay eventually.
Maddie
Anony, you didn’t do anything wrong. Look up avoidant insecure attachment style. Unless he’s just super young and inexperienced, it’s probably related to that. Nobody mature or secure would date you for 3 months then ghost without a word. He’s got issues and did you a favor. Guys can certainly change their minds about what they want or realize they don’t feel it after a few months of getting to know someone, and that’s okay and happens to all of us. But the only ones I know who flip and blindside and don’t communicate it have issues. You don’t want a flakey guy like that who is too conflict-avoidant to even tell you where you stand anyway, he’d never have your back.
Lane
You will never know the answer as he doesn’t know why his feelings didn’t get stronger, they just didn’t and there is no purpose to fake feelings that aren’t there. The first few months (early stages) is the most important because if you don’t have a solid foundation to work off of, then all you have is a layer of sand.
Think of something or someone you really liked, initially, and then you’re feelings towards it/them changed to the point you lost interest, not because of anything it or they did but you just stopped ‘feeling it’ for reasons you probably couldn’t explain—same concept.
Early stage romance is very fickle. Its a time where two strangers with good intentions go into it with the hopes it will develop into something meaningful but it doesn’t always happen or work that way; whereas one, or even both don’t develop strong enough feelings to continue, and it ends. Like they say “people come into your life for a reason; a season; or a lifetime.” He came into your life for a reason, and it didn’t workout; whereas majority of the people you meet over a lifetime won’t make it to a season for a myriad of reasons.
Anony
So hard to not wonder what was lacking in me that he didn’t feel the spark. Or didn’t feel the spark anymore. He talked about our future and taking a trip out West to meet his father. All kinds of wonderful things. I blame myself that when I started to feel him pull away I guess I became more reserved and kind of hung back because I wasn’t sure where I stood with him. Would that have caused the spark to go away? That maybe he felt I changed or my personality changed?
I guess I can try to figure it out all I want but it is what it is right? I’d like to stop dwelling on it but that’s hard. Especially when he built me up with all these plans and now it is all gone.
Thanks for all the advice.
Elvira
Anony it happens to all of us. I was dating a guy for a few months and he broke it off told me he wasn’t sure he was ready for a relationship. So I let it go and didn’t contact him. He contacted me a few months later wanting to try again and I said why not its not like we left things off on a bad note. So this time around I had lost the feelings and he apologized for his lack of emotions prior, but unfortunately I wasn’t feeling him anymore. He even tried a few months later again. I eventually met someone I fell madly in love with. So you will realize in a few months maybe even a few weeks that if they are not into you its ok…you will be ok.
Lane
Anony, you are taking this way too personally and need to stop. Its a HIS PROBLEM, not a you problem.
My youngest son (age 28) has done this to more women than I can count. He told me that he’s never been “in love” but “infatuated” (look it up) which can FEEL a lot like love but those feelings don’t last long which is how one knows which one it is. He too, in the beginning, has all these fuzzy feelings for the lady and starts the ‘future talk.’ The problem is, within two to three months he starts loses those feelings and ends it with her. He can’t explain “why” it happens, it just does even when he has told me the “ladies were really great but I just couldn’t keep those feelings.” He started dating a lady last year, around August who he told me he wanted ‘to marry her’ within a couple months of dating. I immediately did the eye roll because based on what I had heard, seen and personally witnessed it was a bad case of *infatuation* or “crazy love” (like the movie “Endless Love”) that will eventually crash and burn.
Trust me when I say its not you, or anything you said or did. Look up “future faking” or “love bombing” and it might help you to understand it better. When a guy starts planning a future within a few months—you take their words with a grain of salt and don’t believe them until they propose lol.
Tallspicy
No! When a man pulls away, you pull harder. That gave him the space – the right thing to do. But this means not everything was perfect like you said – something was already not working.
Had you come forward, it would have been needy and ended even faster. So that is the answer – there was nothing you could do to make it work with someone who does not want to. I had a man break up with me after 2 months and our first hard convo, not even an argument – I gave him some advice on something he wanted to do and he had a 3 part meldown about feeling unworthy. Yes, giving advice not asked for is bad, but not breakup bad. While it was painful – I learned, any man who can’t communicate during challenges and walks away is not my man. And this was not yours.
Men are like blowtorches and women are like ovens, that is why this hurts. We take longer to warm up and cool down. Man can be VERY HOT and then VERY COLD.
Newbie
Anony, People are trying to help you here and make you understand how this is a common thing to happen not to take it personally. Take some time to read it. Google 7 steps a guy falls in love.
Then yes its hard when guys painted you a future and then suddenly changed their mind. Its awefull. But thats not on you, its on them. The only thing you could have done different was to take it with a big grain of salt for the first months.
This guy is probably a future faker and not ready to commit anyway. So no real loss here.
Anyway, Yes it sucks deeply and also happens a lot, but its not because of something you did (wrong)Anony
I decided to tip my toe back into the dating apps, just to see how I feel and try to get myself motivated to get back out there. Updated a few pics. And today I came across his profile. He changed maybe a sentence or two but otherwise it’s pretty much the same. And I’m devastated. I assumed this would happen at some point but I feel set back to weeks ago when it first happened.
I know if he doesn’t want me I shouldn’t care what he does and I need to move on for me. But boy does this hurt. It’s so hard to find someone you connect with and you just jive with. For him to just throw it all away, I still can’t understand it. Do you think he’ll realize that we had something special and come back?
Lane, you said your sons do this, they don’t feel the spark anymore and end it. How do they end it? Do they feel bad Do they ever regret it and go back to anyone?
Feel heartbroken all over again just when I thought I was getting some momentum back in my step.
Tallspicy
I am so sorry you are in pain, that is the worst! Just take a vow to not look at anything about him anymore. And block his profile so you cannot see it
The reality is that he did not want to talk it through and that tells you about who he is and what type of partner should be.
The answer is for a 4 month relationship, they regret hurting someone, but they don’t want them back.
Men are much less able to identify and communicate what they feel as a gross over generalization. Their circuitry runs like a country road and women’s like a 4 lane highway. He might not actually be able to tell you what and why – and even if he did, it would not take away the pain. It may also be about his shortcomings, not yours.
Take some time and write down the following:
A. What did you learn from this – do the same, do differently
B. What needs to he fullfill and plan a way to get those needs met in other ways from people and yourself
C. Whatever you liked about him, try to bring out those traits in yourself more
D. Make a long list of everything that irked you about him – AND READ IT OVER AND OVERYou need to remember:
A. The things he liked about you, go with you
B. No one determines your value, you do
C. Pay attention to the stories you are telling yourself about you are not true – and are a signal you are not only dealing with the pain of a breakup, but unresolved trauma from when you were younger.Tallspicy
And stop telling yourself the story about how hard it is to jive with people. If that is truely hard for you, please look up work about anxious avoidant attachment. Healthy people don’t think that, they see that love is abundant and will work out with someone else and that there a lot of those someone’s out there.
Lane
Yes anony, he feels bad because he goes into it with the right intentions but it just naturally fizzles out for him. He can’t explain it, why it happens, and is very confusing to him which is why he reaches out to me for advice lol. The only answer I can give him is: “when you meet her, you will know, because it will feel the opposite of what you’ve experienced.”
Infatuation is love’s arch nemesis to put it bluntly. It can really mess your head up if you don’t keep your feet planted firmly on the ground until it passes, and evolves into love.
I had experienced it enough times, when younger, to know that you cannot believe a man’s words until they’ve stuck around longer than 6 month mark, and still acting the same way they did when you met. The interesting thing about true love v. infatuation, is that love is much CALMER to the point you feel fully safe, and secure, with each other, and can ask, talk and even say or do stupid things and he will still be there, the next day, and every day thereafter. When you meet ‘that guy’ you’ll understand what I’m saying. Until then you may go through one or several more of these infatuation guys before you meet “the one.”
Lane
As a side note: men fall in love very differently than woman do. Woman lead with hormones, as do men but there’s are depleted very quickly if there isn’t something else about her that sustains his need or desire to continue, he leaves.
For instance, my eldest son fell in love with his now wife with just a few encounters at a dog park. Just talking to her made him feel good but there were other attributes about her that maintained his desire for her. Men often don’t know what “IT” is but it compels them to stay with her simply because she has IT. I call it the *IT Factor* You never know what IT IS but a men is drawn to it like a moth is to a flame.
It is not personal, its rarely ever anything about how you look, act, said or did because I’ve said or did some crazy stuff, at times, and they’ve stayed lol. Its part tangible, such as the physical which is what drew him to you but its the ‘intangible’ that will ultimately determine whether he falls in love or not. Men can easily get tripped up by infatuation because it can initially FEEL like love but over time they just can’t sustain the feeling, like my son, and this guy did.
Trust me, there is a man who will love ALL your bits, and pieces because you have “IT.” Again, when you meet him, you will understand, that its not personal–you just happen to possess what make him fall in love with you, that other woman he’s dated do not.
Anonyn
It’s been two months since he ghosted me and almost a month since he told me he wasn’t feeling it anymore. Why am I still so sad and depressed about it? I miss him so much. I’ve been trying to stay busy and spend time with family and doing all the post break up stuff you’re supposed to do. But I feel like it isn’t helping. I just want to sit here and cry. I remind myself that he isn’t the kind of guy I want who can’t communicate with me and would rather walk away then address a problem. That he wasn’t anything so special or that I can’t find someone even better but right now I can’t convince myself of this.
How does or did everyone else get through these kinds of breakups? Previously I knew breaking up with my partner made sense in the long run, different values, distance etc. But this kind of breakup, I just feel like it’s so unnecessary. For him to build me up so much how crazy he was about me and how great we were together and then to just walk away? We barely had time to do anything with all the lockdowns. Now that everything is opening up I feel like we are missing out on so much that we could have done together. Built something together. I know he doesn’t want that but it makes me so sad.
Anon
I think if you want to cry you should. Feel the emotions, don’t suppress it. Getting over a breakup is very hard, I would suggest journaling because re-reading your journal an be helpful to see how far you’ve come. Time will heal everything, it is a cliche but it is a fact. You will feel better. One day you will wake up and not think of him, but give yourself a break. Make sure there are no reminders of him- pictures or text messages. Do what you want to do now things are opened up but do them with your friends. Get yourself healthy and ready for your next relationship.
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