This topic contains 42 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Kelsey 1 month, 1 week ago.
September 6, 2020 at 4:28 am #810463
I just found out less than two hours ago (I apologize for this long post beforehand)
My now ex and I had been together for nearly 2 years, he’s been cheating for at least 6 months.
Backstory: We are polar opposites, perhaps in part due to our cultures; I am more traditional and he is more open-minded. Getting into a relationship with him we both knew there’d be moments we might not see eye to eye (also i’m 30 he’s 28) but we were up for the challenge. Long story short, that’s how I missed all the red flags. I was made to think I was just “too sensitive, too soft, too much of an over-thinker”
For at least 6 months now things hadn’t sat right with my heart. First off he had cut off all intimacy, he started off with no intercourse and eventually he literally never touched me, not even to cuddle. When I would bring it up he stated he was simply over worked and eventually he blamed it on depression because of the formal. Many times I tried discussing how I could help to which I always got “just be patient with me my love”… For months I felt rejected, unloveable, unimportant but then I’d feel guilty and would try to be more understanding of his position.
At times the loneliness did get the best of me and I would ask him if there was a way we could compromise because I missed touching him, even in the smaller ways, and he wouldn’t respond to me. Many times when my insecurities got the best of me I asked if there was someone else, if he simply just didn’t find me attractive anymore, or if perhaps he just wasn’t in it anymore. He always denied all of it. He told me over and over again that I was “talking my way out of a relationship and that he loved me and need me to trust him more”… so I did or I tried even though my gut never felt at ease.
Earlier today we were being playful and he took my phone to try and take funny pictures of me to post on my social media, we were laughing and I was sort of playfully trying to get my phone back even though I didn’t mind him having it. As a joke I grabbed his phone, when he asked me to give it back, I ran. In my head we were being playful. It was his tone that set off the alarms for the first time. He went from playful to stern. At that exact moment I saw a text from “J” pop up saying “good night babe”.. my heart dropped. For the first time ever, in any of my relationships, I unlocked his phone to see who “J” was.. I’ve always had access to his phone, I’ve never once felt the need to not trust him. I always told myself I wasn’t “one of those girls”
I’ll save the details of the next hour in which he stayed unemotional, with no reaction, and offered NO apology. What he did tell me was this: She is a co-worker who he has been fling with since “from what he remembers” late February. One night when he was out with coworkers they got very drunk and she kissed him. He explained he had a gf and stopped all further action but he enjoyed the attention and has since been hanging out with her and having dinners (we live about 40 minutes away so we don’t spend every day together). He is aware she has feelings but “he doesn’t see her that way”.. from the little I was able to read he fully treats her like a gf despite what he was telling me, I also saw her sending him emojis that we all recognize as directed for one purpose. He swore it never went beyond hanging out and that he stopped intimacy with me because “he felt like that was the one thing he could control and wouldn’t make him feel as guilty”… AS guilty..
The whole time I sat there shocked, numb, but unfortunately not surprised. SO much finally made sense. I’ve spent the last two hours trying to figure out how I feel. I didn’t shed a single tear as we talked and even after I asked him to gather all the things he has at my place and leave…but I’m obviously heart broken. We’ve discussed marriage and children, we were in the process of moving in together.. I think I feel played by myself more than by him. I should have listened to my gut, I shouldn’t have put my needs under his, I shouldn’t have allowed him to make me feel wrong for feeling how I did. I feel so much resentment for him too though. He really had me thinking I was always over reacting for noticing his distance, he really looked me in the eye and LIED multiple times. He spent time with my family who are the most sacred people for me, he had us booking trips for our anniversary (hoping the pandemic would be over by then), he REALLY let me think we were okay and that what was happening had nothing to do with us, and I believed him.
I’m afraid of what happens after right now. I’m afraid of how I tell my loved ones, I’m afraid of what I’m suppose to do with my emotions. I don’t want to start the hurt. I feel numb right now but it’s bound to go away, I don’t want to feel those emotions. He stood in front of me and told me “he loved me” with the least emotion I’ve ever seen someone say those words, how did I accept that kind of “love” for this long?September 6, 2020 at 7:02 am #810487
Dear OP. What a fine a decent person you sound. This is so awful and gut wrenching. Im not in a position to write much at this moment, but I have no doubt the ladies here and especially the regulars will soon be in with their words of comfort, reassurance and support.
I had this happen to me only my relationship was 12 years and three kids. He had been carrying on for six months with somelne and i found out by pure chance and his reaction. However with hindsight it was all there, as it was for you too now you look back. The mood changes, irritability, lack of affection and excuses.
I dont believe for one minute there’s only ever been kissing. Mine lied about that and said the exact same thing! Of course it was more than that.
You’ve a tough time ahead but you sound like you have the strength and resolve to get through this. Its him who should be embarrassed in regard to people knowing, not you. Shameful manSeptember 6, 2020 at 8:28 am #810496
I can’t begin to imagine how you felt finding out. I know 2 years is nothing compared to 12, so I’m sorry.
Could you tell me some ways you’re coping? I can’t sleep tonight. I still don’t quite know how I should be feeling but my earlier feelings are starting to slowly turn into pain I just don’t know what hurts more out of all the things that are running through my mind. I’m quite literally sick to my stomach.
If I’m being honest, what keeps going through my mind is that I wish he was hurting. I wish he drove home in tears knowing he’s loosing a love like mine. I know based on how he acted that’s not likely but man do I wish I at least meant enough for it to be upsetting to loose me. I want something that takes away me feeling like an idiot.September 6, 2020 at 10:42 am #810509
I know it’s not what you might not want to hear, but think of the bullet you dodged!! Your time is so precious, value it!!! This guy is not a catch! Reading what you wrote on his behaviour, he sounds like a real dud, and it’s kinda great that this happened, because you can’t lie to yourself anymore and try to make things “fit”. They don’t. This guy is not great…at all. You will look back on this, and realize what a gift it is that you got out now. You have to remind yourself of that now, and focus not on him, but focusing on what you want from a guy, another guy. Also, I would read “Attached”. I have a feeling from what you wrote this is what is going on here.September 6, 2020 at 11:53 am #810521
I’m sure in time I may see it this way. Crazy enough, despite the now obvious red flags and complete lack of intimacy, he was good to me in every other way. I suppose that is why I trusted him so blindly even though there were warning signs.
Just last night before it all went down we had been cooking a meal together, laughing and having such a wonderful night. At one point he made me laugh so hard that I was crying from it. Nothing felt wrong in our little world.
I thought I was being a fair partner by giving him time to get the help he needed and to become more financial stable so he didn’t have to work so many hours. Funny how he still had time for another woman.
In the bottom of my heart, as cliche as it sounds, I know it is his loss much more than it will ever be mine, but right now, right in this second, I feel defeated, betrayed and broken by the man I was there for who made me believe was my forever partner.September 6, 2020 at 4:02 pm #810579
Im really sorry you have to go through this but also somewhat glad you found out now and not later. Im sure he will be sorry. But hopefully by the time he is sorry, you have moved on for good. I really admire you for having the strenth to realize at that moment he was cheating and you made him pay the consequence by leaving. I do question his character: he had no reason to keep tou and him going if he was in love with the other girl. So i dont think he really is, is simply a case of not being able to not give into flirting. These guys will keep doing that so dont question your judgement later on. Now you need time to heal, grieve and be better. Dont be ashamed of what happened. What he did is not a poor reflection of you, its all on him.
In one sentence you sort of said you were helping him become more financially stable and giving him time. Im not sure what that means but being too much the understanding and helpfull gf early on almost never works out well for the girl. Really beware of such tendencies because it can make a relationship unbalanced as in he doesnt feel man enough anymore. That seems to be the case here too. And maybe why he took to flirting. By no way i mean this is something you caused, its merely for future reference to be wary of those dynamics. For now i wish you all the best and get a big icecream and focus on doing fun stuffSeptember 6, 2020 at 7:03 pm #810597
T from NY
With gentleness – Please know the man you love is not real. It’s just an illusion. The guy he really is – is someone who makes you think he is devoted to you and sees a future of marriage and children, all the while he’s DEFINITELY sleeping with someone else and has another life (maybe even another girlfriend.) Because let’s be clear – if it’s been 6 months there’s no way they’re just talking. I was once hit on by a guy who gave me his number, who when I checked his social media (because something just seemed off….) the guy had proposed to his years-long girlfriend only 3 weeks prior. Ya. Dirtbag. I let her know fo sho. It’s up to her what she did with the information.
And I know y’all weren’t living together or engaged – but I highly recommend a respectable, incredibly supportive, fact and data based forum online called Surviving Infidelity. The category you would want to look at is – Just Found Out.
Everyone there will tell you to leave him. Because you DEFINITELY have dodged a bullet not being married or pregnant or tied to a mortgage with this dishonest narcissist. But reading there will help you even if you do want to seek reconciliation – the correct way – not out of emotion, the best way for YOU. And no, I don’t personally believe in forgiveness and second chances for an affair. A one-off indiscretion maybe, but probably not that either. In general – the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior and that’s a fact.
Lastly, please don’t buy into investment theory – how you’ve invested 2 years and that has to be worth something. He is not emotionally available. Many months of your association he was deceiving and disregarding you. He is not a safe partner. And you DESERVE safety and loyalty. Best to youSeptember 6, 2020 at 11:26 pm #810613
I question his character too. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t be honest enough to just say let me go, especially when I asked him to his face if there was something I should worry about and he denied it and made me feel like I was over thinking everything.
What I meant about the financial stability and depression was that I tried to be understanding in a way that I was his cheerleader yet gave him space to figure it out.
T from NY:
I totally agree with you that there was more there… 6 months, there was definitely more than just flirting there. I also do not think a reconciliation will happen regardless of what he says if he ever even reaches out, which I doubt he will. If he did, I’m not sure what, if anything, he could say to explain how he deceived me for 6 months.
Today I’ve had spend a lot of time processing what happened and the roller coaster of emotions has began. I’ve started to piece a lot of information together from the past months and so much starts to add up. I feel so dumb. How did I not see all the red flags. Actually, I know why. He really was living a double life. Other than the intimacy (or lack of) which seemed to have answers at the time, everything else didn’t change. He was attentive, he always called me, our time together didn’t decrease, he still planned home dates because of pandemic. While I worried that we didn’t have intimacy I believed that he loved me. I’m in shock of how well he played me. I would have never thought this of him. When we started, we talked at length about the importance of being faithful, because both of us had been hurt by infidelity in our past. He told me he thought unfaithful partners were some of the worse people. We promised each other that if we ever got to a point where we were no longer happy and the idea of other people even occurred to us that we would immediately address it. One more thing he lied about, it seems..
About two months ago (when he was already cheating) we were laying down together just talking and the importance of trust came up. HE was the one that dived head first into the topic. I remember him saying how “trust is delicate and should be treated with care because damaged it would never look the same” he followed it by saying “I’m so happy to have found you, you’re the only person I trust with my life”… funny how he said that knowing that he was doing the most trust damaging thing in our relationship. He really had that audacity to talk about trust, he really had the nerve to make me feel safe.
He is not the man I fell in love with. I don’t know this man. I am disgusted by the thought that a stranger slept next to me for months.September 7, 2020 at 2:13 pm #810743
you are understandably in shock. And will be for a long time. The reason you are in such shock is youve found out that he is capable and has done things that you would never have thought were in his character, and doubly hit you because you can’t make sense of why someone would do this.
The short and sweet is you have integrity and morals and he doesnt, yet pretended and acted like he did, whilst being rhe closest person to you for two years pretending who he was as who he really is falls way short.
My experience was a decade ago now, and it was so painful. I remember crying in the bath where the children couldn’t see me. Or in my bed at night smelling his tee-shirt.
He was the only man I ever trusted. That includes anyone before or since him.
You push through it. Every day, every night, however you can. You face the pain and hurt and you observe it as it feels awful, then a bit better, then awful again. You show kindness to yourself and none to him because he doesnt deserve it.
One day at a time. Thats how you have to do it. You don’t have a choice.September 7, 2020 at 3:40 pm #810759
Your post really got to me. I think because you wrote everything I’m too scared to admit.
Today has been much harder. I’ve broken down multiple times, including right now as I reply.
So many things happen at once. I cry, I imagine him celebrating with her that I’m finally gone, I rush to my phone the minute I get a notification hoping its him and then I cry again. Then the tears stop. Quickly and like they never happened. I become numb.
My mother called me earlier and noticed immediately something was up. I didn’t have the strength to tell her. She loved him like a son.
I know I should give myself space to mourn the loss of this relationship but I keep going back and forth between how a man with his characters doesn’t deserve my pain and how badly I wish he was here to help make this better. I feel so lost and so confused.September 8, 2020 at 8:49 am #810902
T from NY
I truly hope you’ll go to that website (Surviving Infidelity) I recommended. I acknowledge your sadness – but let it be for the fake man that he is. I wish for you to find your anger soon -for the man he really is. Hopefully, eventually, you won’t be sad about him laughing with someone else – you’ll feel sorry for the girl. You won’t want him to text your phone because – what could he possibly say, in any way, to bring closure for being a fraud? The grief of what might have been may linger long, but you’ll get through it. Don’t EVER feel ashamed. You did everything right trusting someone. That’s honorable. But definitely learn from this. Learn to trust YOU above all others. Work to assure it doesn’t sour you. Work to make sure you don’t fall for his lines of forgiveness if he does return. His behavior was rotten. I cannot abide cheaters. But you finding out is a GIFT to you – even if you cannot see it or feel it now.September 8, 2020 at 4:12 pm #810968
T from NY,
The anger is there but the pain is greater. I try to manually adjust my thinking every time I begin blaming myself. I think a lot of what she must look like or how funny or sexy she may be. I’ve never considered myself unattractive but I feel that way now.
Despite knowing who he is now, even in being caught he, i’m positive lied. So while my heart knows he’s a far worse man that what he portrayed, there is still that part of me that wants to believe it could be fixed, that maybe it wasn’t that bad. IF i believe his obvious lies, I could possibly move on from this.
But I know they are lies and I know I could never trust him or feel safer around him again. I know that the fact that he hasn’t even attempted to reach out means that he doesn’t really care about what he’s putting me through. I know that I deserve better than this.
I do have a question that is more on the logical side. We were suppose to take an anniversary trip in December (we booked things we could cancel since we didn’t know how the pandemic would be by then)… That being said, the flight is under my name, no worries there but the hotel is under his name. We went 50-50 on it. We were suppose to be gone almost 2 weeks and its during the holidays so we definitely spent good money. Do I just assume that money is gone? I read somewhere that I should make no contact for 30 days, no matter what, and luckily I still have time before the trip. I wouldn’t even have to contact him after the 30 days, I can just request he pay me on the app. Should I do that or just let it go? If so when should I do it?September 9, 2020 at 6:14 am #811076
it is understandable that you will try and find an excuse to contact him. The 30 day rule is for you not for him, is for you to get over him and so you should because this men is not worth your time or attention.
you have the flights , if you want to fly there then do so but book a different hotel.
I broke up with my ex and we were meant to fly to Spain I paid for flights he paid for hotel.
I decided to leave it and went to Italy instead but from his insta I noticed he went to Spain with his mate.
I personally wouldn’t bother , just let go, he will know that you are looking for an excuse to contact him.September 9, 2020 at 10:17 am #811106
I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through something similar with my ex just a few months ago. It is hard especially during COVID and the last thing you want to hear is move on…let go and forget about him. It is not easy to forget about someone you have been with for 2 years overnight. Especially when it happens so unexpectedly and hurtful…what I do suggest is if you need to speak to him regarding the trip please do, but take time to figure out exactly what you will suggest (such as canceling and giving money back or losing out on the money if you can afford to). I had the issue that my ex had a bunch of stuff in my house (we lived together) and I asked him several times to retrieve them.
You don’t need to make any rash decisions or feel pressured to do anything other than cry and surround yourself with people who won’t tell you what to do, but instead listen to you. I had a great support system and they never told me you need to move on, forget him…they told me to look at the relationship for what is was since we did have other issues. I also reflected back on myself and what I can improve…I just realized I have an anxious attachment style and am constantly attracted to avoidant which is not a good match. Reading self help books/relationship books is recommended…they do help. If you can speak to a therapist just for a few sessions it helps as well. There is a website called BetterHelp where you can speak to a therapist for a very low weekly rate. I only did it for one month but I was able to speak to someone and not worry that they would say I was weak…(because I do still love him and I realized that his attachment style was secure which was exactly what I needed in a relationship).
I did keep in contact with my ex and that does make it harder to move on…I had to block him a few times since he contacted me every other day and when he was blocked I felt better. Not anticipating that call or text. We did end up having several conversations and they turned into arguments so I would vote against that. If you need to block then please do…and again as someone else stated the no contact rule is for you to begin the healing which can be done, but it is better with no interference of him calling. If he wants to reach there are ways.
Know that this feeling will pass and being sad, confused, angry and even still having feelings for him is normal…in time you will realize what he did is not a reflection on you.September 9, 2020 at 11:41 am #811113
This is the worst and hardest form of betrayal as it really cuts deep and makes you feel like your not ‘good enough’ which is where women (and men) struggle the most when it happens. I know this may sound counter to all the other advice your going to hear but the cold hard human truth is that men were never designed to be ‘monogamous.’ It literally goes against their DNA to not procreate the earth which is something they have to personally FIGHT against on a daily/regular basis due the amount of testosterone that courses through their body. Just know men think about sex A LOT during the day, whereas a mere image can spur a sexual thought/fantasy, up to 50 to 100 a day! If you were bombarded by these constant sexual thoughts you would have a super tough time staying monogamous too!
However, as I’ve gotten older, I’m no longer stuck on that puritanical (aka ‘religious’) mentality as I was when younger. I’ve can’t count the number of men, in a relationship or married who tried to “hit me up” when I was single, or even married for 20+ years! The curiosity got the best of me and so I started asking men “the why” and the kicker is, in majority of the cases, they loved their partner/SO/spouse but they weren’t satisfied with either the sex or having sex with the same woman over, and over, and over. and over…you get the gist.
Additionally, men’s brains are wired differently than ours. They are masters at ‘compartmentalizing’ their emotions and lives which is why they are able to act as if they aren’t doing anything wrong even when they doing something wrong. They are naturally able to separate sex from all the other parts, so in their mind, as long as all the other parts ‘are good’ they will continue to be a great BF/husband/father while having sex on the side. This is why you didn’t see or feel the emotions from him, like you had hoped, because he had compartmentalized (separated that part from all the other parts) in his mind. To him it was “just sex” but he didn’t share the same emotional component with her that he did with you which is why he acted so normal in all the other parts (areas) of your relationship but the sexual one.
I am in no way justifying his behavior but I’ve come to understand the root causes of it, as the reasons they do vary (case to case) so I’m less inclined to be shocked, at my age (over 50), the way you are reeling from the shock. If I caught my partner, the ONLY question I would ask is “was it purely for sex only or is their an emotional component to it?” The latter would be a deal breaker, the first I could deal with.
I’m sorry this happened to you the way it did as I know its hard for you to reconcile the “two men”–one you knew v. one you just met (stranger). I’m just trying to provide you with some introspect into a mans mind that may help you answer the questions you are clearly struggling with. He knows you need a man who’s capable of monogamy, its not him, which is why he’s letting you go. Trust me, he’s hurting too and most likely kicking himself harder than you could ever do but he would rather swallow his big ole bad taste of pride (ego) than grovel for a woman he knows in his heart of hearts he WILL cheat on and hurt again. Men do hate hurting their woman and he doesn’t want to see you hurt knowing he will be the one to hurt you. That’s the truth you need to accept and come to terms with.
Like they say “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger!” You will get through this and be soooo thankful that you didn’t stay with a man who can’t enjoy having sex with just one woman. There’s a 1% – 2% chance he may find his ‘sexual soulmate’ and never betray her but I find it to be highly unlikely, based on how he did it to you, as that’s someone who’s mastered infidelity and has surely done it before. You can rest well knowing you dodged a major cheating bullet but you have a road to tow getting over the heartache and pain where all you can do is take it one-day-at-a-time until you get to the other side and feel indifferent (no pain or feelings for him). You will get there!
The holiday thing. Give yourself a break and deal with it when things have calmed down a bit. Maybe in 3 – 4 weeks you’ll have the emotional capacity to deal with it but take the other steps first such as telling everyone the bad news and settling your emotions before you make any brash or rash decisions. The break-up roller coaster ride sucks enough as we’ve all been there and feel your pain. Venting through Writing is very cathartic as it helped me greatly putting it on paper when I left my 20+ year marriage! Venting here is helpful too so post if you have an overwhelming urge to contact him as the ladies can help talk you off ledge :o)September 9, 2020 at 1:34 pm #811302
I probably won’t go on the trip. It is holiday season after all and I much rather spend that time home surrounded by my loved ones. While I can afford to let that money go, I’m not sure I want to because it is a lot of money. I’m gonna take some time before deciding whether to request it or not. The trip is months away so there’s still time, this isn’t my priority right now I suppose.
I’ve only confided what has happened with my two best friends, both of who live out of town and I can’t even be around right now. Either way it’s been hard seeing everyone talk about how I need to forget him. I know the advice comes from a good place and I’m the one seeking it but it hurts because if I could just turn off the switch I would have, its not that simple. I know what he did, I’m disgusted by it, and could I forgive it. Highly unlikely. However, I’m still in love with the man I thought he was and I’m struggling beyond words could describe to even attempt to understand that he was living such a different life.
I do plan to seek counseling. I know I’m going to need it.
I can totally agree with him “compartmentalizing” everything but I also think it went beyond that because there were too many messages and flirting between them. When I asked him why he didn’t just leave he said “because I love you” and when asked if it was a relationship he said “no, there was nothing there”… and I want to believe him, but I believed his lies for so long that I don’t know that I can trust a word he said anymore. But I have to admit I’m really struggling. I think i WANT to believe his version. I think I mentioned that earlier, not sure anymore. But I WANT to believe his version because it hurts less. It hurts more to imagine that he may have had a full relationship with her. I can’t fathom that idea.
I know you mentioned how he’s staying away because he doesn’t want to see me hurt but it ALSO hurts that he has made no attempt to reach out. Like he got caught and I told him to get his things and leave, and what, that was it? If he was waiting to leave me he had chances before he should’ve taken them.
I do feel like i’m putting a lot of pressure on myself trying to get angry about the situation. I’m angry and hurt and feeling ashamed. I feel a lot of emotions but right now, I feel confused more than anything else. Perhaps because I don’t know how to feel. I appreciate the kind words I get here about moving forward but please also understand I haven’t gotten there yet. Right now the only thing I know is that the man I love has been lying and cheating on me for a long time and that the life as I knew it no longer exist.
I appreciate the support i’ve gotten from each and every one of you, though I may not know you personally, knowing there are others out there willing to spend their time on my pain means the world. I will definitely continue writing especially because my over thinking mind requires I ask questions. All I ask is that you bare with me <3September 9, 2020 at 2:02 pm #811405
you’ll get there in the end and you will be much stronger.
I’ve got a feeling he isn’t reaching out because he is probably preoccupied with her I wonder if she knew about you.
But you deserve better than that. Even if he did or does love you that’s not an excuse to sleep with another woman and who knows maybe she thought they are together and he has been saying the same things to her.
I wouldn’t believe a word he says . Love doesn’t hurtSeptember 9, 2020 at 3:22 pm #811408
She did know about me. She is a coworker of his and everyone at his job has seen me around at events for the company and outside gatherings. Neither or them cared either way. I do deserve better. It just hurts like hell that he wasn’t good enough to do better.September 9, 2020 at 5:33 pm #811432
I feel the way you are expressing yourself shows you have very good insight in your mind, heart and gut. Besides the hurt also take some pride that you took the bull by the horns. I have not much advice except post all you want and i feel you need to tell more people. Thats really a good way for women to get a good grip on issues. Take careSeptember 9, 2020 at 5:36 pm #811434
I also liked Ellies response a lot. Yes i agree we say too easy to just move on. Like that will do the trick. Im guilty myself although i do try to realize how hard it is when you invested in a guy emotionally even if its just a few months. So thanks for that reminderSeptember 9, 2020 at 8:10 pm #811435
Its ok to not want to move on and just ” get over ” it because that feels pretty impossible for you now- you still love him and feelings don’t switch off.
The biggest thing you MUST do is tell people in my experience it doesn’t quite feel real until you have.
My exex husband cheated on me about 7 years into our marriage. He met a woman on a night out and just walked out the next day and left me with two kids. He refused to see us or communicate with me at all for weeks. It was awful. I did not tell hardly anyone for weeks. I was mortified, ashamed and looking back i think i thought that if no one knew he could back and it would be ok. If i told my family and friends what he had done they would hate him and it would have been harder to take him back. So until you tell people you really won’t have a chance in hell of moving on anyway.
I get those feelings of shame, blaming yourself, remembering all the great times and trying to accept it has happened and this is your new reality. Its so hard and even though you know logically it’s not a reflection on you it feels like it is.
Once i told people it became real and i got nothing but love and support.
There is a lot more to it but ultimately I forgave him and tried again because we had small kids, i loved him and he told me he was having a mental break down at the time and i believed that- because that was a more palatable reason to do what he did. We went to counselling but the thing is i never really forgave him. It just hurt so much. It was there all the time between us. My family and friends never forgave him either. We never recovered and it seemed to give him licence to do it again – he cheated on me two more times. The last one was the final straw. My kids were older, i had got my degree and a well paid job and i didn’t need him. I kicked him out and never looked back. He became an utter psycho but thats another story!
I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope you know you are not alone and that us on this forum will offer you support from a distance. Use this as a place to vent, wonder, ask questions etc. You will be ok. You will get through this heart breaking and be strong. You can’t see that now but just know it will be ok.
Sending hugs! Xx
September 9, 2020 at 10:51 pm #811468
- This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by ANM Staff.
- This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by ANM Staff.
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Kelsey, it is my sincere hope that you let go of any thoughts of reconciliation with him. You don’t want to feel betrayal twice. The healing will begin when you have genuine acceptance that you two were not meant to be. There is a prince in your future (a good man who deserves you).September 9, 2020 at 11:23 pm #811472
Thank you ladies,
I’m glad I found this place.
Not telling others is hard but it’s what feels right for my peace right now. I will definitely let others know once my heart feels strong enough to be ready to explain.
The next few days will be especially hard. He will be in my side of town and would be coming over tomorrow afternoon to stay for the rest of the weekend. I’m very nervous about how I will get through these days but I have to keep it together because to top it off I just started a new position at my job this week that requires me on top of my game.
Tonight I feel exhausted though and I want to take advantage of it to rest for the first time in days.
Thank you ladies, I’m sure to be back the next day or soSeptember 12, 2020 at 5:30 pm #812598
Today is really freaking hard.
I can’t stop wondering where his head at. I know this shouldn’t matter but I can’t help it. I wish so badly that I had mattered enough for him not to make the choices he did. I know he’s at work on my side of town. I know he would’ve been coming over after. I tried my damn best this morning to get up, get dressed. I went out to buy a coffee and took a journal with me. I wrote him a letter hoping I could put on paper what my heart feels. I couldn’t. I came back home to change and am now going on a run to see if that helps but I’m crying the entire time I’m getting into my clothes. It’s really hard trying to pretend I’m strong when the pain of what could’ve been is pressing down hard on me.September 12, 2020 at 10:04 pm #812621
Sorry today is so hard …the weekends were and still are a huge struggle for me. Especially if you spent the weekend together. I specifically hate Fridays and Mondays those were our day to stay in or go out to eat. It was a routine and I realized I had to stop thinking about it and do what I did before him, so now I make plans every weekend but Monday I do stay in and watch movies, drink wine and try to take my mind off of him. I use to go to sleep crying and wake up crying….but now I feel much better. I’ve surrounded myself with people and I listen to their issues and it takes my mind off. I know this is very fresh for you and it’s been 2 weeks since I spoke to my ex….longest ever. I stopped crying just taking it day by day…crying does help it relieves you. Like someone mentioned now I’m in an angry state of mind because I know if you love someone you don’t lie to them and we don’t deserve to be lied to. You sound like a really good person and he is missing out…I’m sure he hasn’t reached out because he’s embarrassed and ashamed. Exercising is a great way to soothe your mind and body…I would also suggest meditation and getting pampered. Getting a massage, facial or getting your nails done. I also got my hair highlighted and I felt like a different person…I lost 20 pounds which I had been trying to lose for years so I’m very happy with how I look right now……hugs to you it will get better!