This topic contains 28 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Natilie 3 months, 1 week ago.
October 18, 2015 at 2:23 pm #468398
I apologize in advance if there has been a similar post in the past, but I’m desperate to get some advice.
So 3 days ago my boyfriend, with whom I was going out for 7.5 months, broke up with me. From the beginning on we had a serious relationship, met each other”s families, went on vacations together, were hoping for a future together. We both love each other (it was never a matter of lack of love) and we are both hurt but he couldn’t deal with me anymore and had to break it off. The problem is that I, due to past experiences and depression, had a lot of trust and jealousy issues. I would nearly always find a reason to fight, a reason to doubt or mistrust, a reason to make an accusation. For example, because he kept touch with his ex friend whom he knew from highschool and was together with for 7 years, because he wouldn’t text me when he went to study with a female friend at University, because he wouldn’t text me enough, because he made plans with his friends without asking me for my approval. I actually had no reason to doubt or accuse him, I always knew his intentions, I knew that he wasn’t a cheater (he had only had 3 girlfriends in his lifetime), he even broke off contact with his ex telling her that he needed to do it because he loved me and was attached to me. Whatever he would do, I wasn’t satisfied though and would still explode at times.
It got to the point where he couldn’t take it anymore. We had talked about it several times, I promised him to change and start trusting him more, to be careful about my bursts of emotions, and he had said several times that he had been seriously thinking of breaking up, so eventually he did. I don’t blame him at all. I know it is all my fault.
I begged him for one last chance, I pleaded him over and over again, I told him I would seek psychotherapy and sign up for a course on how to deal with jealousy, but none of it helped. He said he doesn’t believe a person could change that quickly, that he has no hope that things would then get better, that although he was hurt too he needed to be tough and stick with his decision. He said we could maybe try again in 2 or 3 months, that he didn’t want any contact with me until then, and that he is not sure if he was really going to give me another chance, that he thinks that our characters are incompatible and that he hopes to not love me or miss me in 2 or 3 months. He said that it didn’t bother him to write that to me, that he was more scared whether I would do something to myself.
The next day he contacted me to ask me how I was doing and to tell me to go out with my girlfriends to make it easier on me and that I could hate him in order to get over it more easily.
The next day he changed his relationship status to “Single” on Facebook and added his ex girlfriend back. As soon as I saw it, I sent him a message saying “I wish the best of luck to you two!”. I knew that was another mistake of mine to react that quickly, but I couldn’t help it. He replied saying “Thanks for affirming that it wasn’t a mistake to break up with you. I told you over and over again that I would never ever get back with her. Now that we’re friends again of course you think it though. You should really look for help, if not for me then for the next guy. I am ashamed of the thought of being with you because of how badly you think of me. Why can’t you accept that she is a part of my life? Forget about it, I shouldn’t have written you this but instead it might have been easier to deal with the breakup if you would think that it’s because of her. You never trusted me and you never will. Thanks for everything”.
I really love him, and I have a feeling that he still loves me too, but I am not sure how to act now and what to do in order to get him back. If I don’t contact him and give him space, he might really stop loving me or get back with his ex girlfriend. If I don’t stop contacting him, it might not make things better. He told me though that he wasn’t going to look for another girl for a while, that it might be better for him to be single for the time being. I can’t let this amazing guy get away. Please help me!October 18, 2015 at 2:45 pm #468401
Do the things you promised to do, work on your stuff & get therapy … Not for him tho – for You.October 18, 2015 at 2:45 pm #468402
Sarah… oh sweetie, you are your own worst enemy. You are focusing on the wrong thing. You’ve missed all of his messages that grew louder and clearer all the time. You are not dealing with your own issues that are causing all the problems. What you did on FB just proved it. We can’t give you advice on how to get him back when you keep driving him away through your insecurities, depression, possessiveness etc. I wouldn’t return to someone who does what you are doing to him. You did the right thing by getting into counseling. Keep going and address the root issues so you can have healthy relationships in the future.October 18, 2015 at 2:47 pm #468403
Hi Sarah. Ok so you have split now its almost like you have a self destruct button here and have driven this guy away, knew you were doing so and are now left wondering what just happened. I think you need to address your issues here before you even contemplate trying to go back to dating anyone and especially not this guy. It sounds like you have given this poor guy nothing but hassle and grief and I dont blame him for leaving you as who in reality would want to be in a relationship full of distrust and drama and you said it yourself you were never happy. What you need to do now is work on yourself or every relationship you get into will end up going down the same road. So for now what do you think you have to do to find security and self esteem and confidence within, no other person or relationship can give this to you and you are on a slippery slope if you think a good man or relationship is what makes you whole, complete and happy. It all comes from within and if youre messed up so will your relationships be. So how do you change the mindset that you have that all men are cheaters and no good ?
You need to do some serious soul searching and healing here. How did you get so messed up ? Are you a drama queen ? How do you change this pattern or it will happen over and over ? I think you will get some good advice on here that will help but you need to take it and you need to leave this guy well alone for now until you sort yourself out. It wont be easy trying to change yourself but it will be worth it in the long run. Have you got friends and family that can help you through this as well. Its always a good idea to keep busy with others when things are hard. Good luck. xOctober 18, 2015 at 3:16 pm #468416
I think you defintley, need to stick with therapy and I don’t mean that in a harsh way. But you clearly knew you were driving this guy away yet you still continued to behave in such manner. I definitely couldn’t be with someone like that. Continue to get help and give him space don’t contact him at all.. I’m sure it would be hard but if you do you would only drive him further away..October 18, 2015 at 3:32 pm #468426
Let this one go but learn from your mistakes. No man can possibly be with you 24/7 and never interact with another female and if he did would you really respect him. Learn confidence and build your self esteem so that when you do move on, you will know that even if someone does mistreat you it won’t matter because you’re worth more than that and won’t hesitate to walk away. I’ve been in your shoes and you can and will turn it around xOctober 18, 2015 at 3:35 pm #468428
Where the is life there is hope.
The wise women on here nailed it….get help for you. You know you yourself don’t like feeling insecure and not good enough. You are hurting deeply inside and are in no condition to be in a relationship right now.
You are on the right road with therapy and perhaps a doctor’s appointment to see if your hormones are in shape. Tell the doctor that you don’t feel good emotionally and talk with him/her…let them physically check you out.
Honey, no one can take your place. You are as unique as a snowflake and as beautiful. This is what you need to discover in therapy and your insecurity will go away….stay with help.October 18, 2015 at 3:42 pm #468429
I think there is hope for you not this relationship.
He needs his space and time to heal from all the mistrust and accusations. If you really love him give him that.
As for you I really think you need to work on yourself. I saw a lot of insecurities, jealousy, and mistrust. Dig within yourself to discover the root cause.
I hope in time you can become a woman that is confident, fun to be around, and trusting in others.
Best of luck to you!October 18, 2015 at 3:57 pm #468434
Thank you kindly, for all your responses!
I know that it’s my own problem, not his. I know that I’m not ready to be in a relationship before I let go of the past and start trusting. I always thought trust was something that was to be earned; this situation made me realize that trust is something that is given from the start, just like he gave it to me. And I know that I can’t really love someone before I learn to love myself, and that I can’t expect someone to love me until I feel confident in myself and in relationships. I know all that. That is exactly why I have told myself that I need therapy and counseling; he wasn’t the one that needed to tell me that, he only opened my eyes and I thank him for that although of course I feel so guilty and sorry for him.
But from all your responses I have the feeling to see a similar notion – that I can rescue myself for future relationships, but that I can’t rescue this relationship with this guy anymore. And that was after all my real question- how to get this one guy back. I’ve screwed up and I need to be strong enough to deal with it. Some other girl some day is going to be very lucky to have him as a boyfriend.October 18, 2015 at 4:55 pm #468447
One thing that keeps bothering me though is why he had to have contact with his ex again after only 2 days of being broken up with me. It feel as if he couldn’t wait to break up with me in order to be in contact with her again.October 18, 2015 at 5:29 pm #468456
Do not let your mind play tricks on you. If he contacted his ex he is probably going back to feel better about himself. We reach out where we don’t think we will be rejected when we are hurting.
I can guarantee this guy is hurting….but that is not to be your focus….your focus is you you you. Until you can get yourself settled do not even wonder what he is doing….just focus on you.October 18, 2015 at 5:29 pm #468457
Sarah its never good to be told what you can and cant do by somebody. I would hate that. I have many male pals that mean a lot to me but its platonic i dont fancy them. If any guy told me i couldnt be pals with them i would be livid. You have to let this go, do your work on yourself and really sort your head out. Forget about all the drama with this relationship and start the work on yourself right away and focus on that for now. xOctober 18, 2015 at 6:33 pm #468478
He has explained this… he is friends with her. You’re making too big a deal of it.
I’ve found the people who can’t trust are the ones who don’t trust or like themselves very much. (Or aren’t trustworthy but I don’t have the sense this is you.)
Let it go and just do you. I just recommended Byron Katie’s “I Need Your Love, Is That True?” to someone else here and I”m going to recommend it for you too.October 19, 2015 at 3:36 am #468543
It’s just so hard to let go, because I really do love him and it breaks my heart to have to live without him. I cry every day, I can’t sleep at night, I have actual physical heart ache for the first time in my life. I just wish I knew what else I could do.October 19, 2015 at 4:28 am #468546
Well have you arranged some therapy? That’s your first positive start. I very much doubt there’s any way to get him back but making a change is the only way you might. Plus you really need to do it for yourself!
Don’t worry about who he friends on Facebook! I think you’re focusing on the wrong things. Sometimes it’s easier than admitting the real issues. I think your you, its easier to think about that than the actual reason he left you. I don’t blame you at all!
I also think it’s good to realise what a healthy relationship is. It’s not about one person getting all their needs met and taking it out on the other if they aren’t. It’s not about being with someone because they make you feel good and validated in some way without any regard to the other person’s feelings. It’s not about wanting to control them in any way. It’s about mutual love, respect and trust. Wanting to make the other person happy and vice versa. Loving them for exactly who they are!
I’m sure you’ll learn from this and have better relationships in the future.October 24, 2015 at 2:51 pm #470264
It’s been a week now… he hasn’t contacted me at all. I of course don’t want to contact him first either, I understand I need to give him distance now. It’s just so hard. I wish I would just contact him and ask for forgiveness, and ask him how he is doing, and whether we can try again. But I know I shouldn’t do so. And I know it wouldn’t bring anything, at least not until I have searched for help. I’ve started going to the gym last Thursday, I’m not a physical person usually- haven’t done any exercises in the past 10 years, but I know it will help me to get confidence and self-worth back which I also need in order to feel confident in a relationship. I have arranged two first appointments with two different psychotherapists next week, will see which one seems a better fit for me. So I am looking for ways to help myself. But it doesn’t help not being able to sleep, not being able to eat, not being able to concentrate after the breakup. At work last week I had situations where I started breaking down and into tears for no specific reason. It just hurts so much to have to realize that I lost him and that he doesn’t even contact me now to ask how I am doing and dealing with it. It would all be so much easier if I had him by my side to go through it together with me. At some moments I get so mad and think to myself “if he doesn’t love me at my worst, then he doesn’t deserve to love me at my best. If he is not by my side right now when I have to deal with all of this, then I am not sure if I want him by my side again once I am better. Love is not easy, shouldn’t be only comfortable, it takes two people to be there for each other during the worst and best moments.’January 9, 2016 at 2:00 am #496049
What happened with this? Did you remain in NC and take care of yourself? I feel for you and see myself in you so much it hurts and also lost the best person in the world because of it. He will probably be the love of my life and he is the best guy, quality, solid, loving, caring, and just one in a million and it crushes me every day that I blew my chance. But I understand that I just didn’t have any other way to behave, I am broken inside and need to fix myself to heal. Trust me, he is amazing and it is my loss. But it is real and happening and it sucks but I can’t keep not taking care of myself and being dramatic by not eating or sleeping. Make yourself eat and sleep. Make yourself take care of yourself. Do it. Fight the giving up feeling on yourself! Honestly, I realize now how little self esteem I have and how I have no ability to trust and no matter how much I want him back and he’s my best friend – I do actually love him and don’t want to make him miserable, and anxious and exhausted and worried and stressed by me and as much as I don’t want to, if we got back together I would probably do it to him again. You can’t change decades of low self esteem and negative thoughts and the anger that arises over perceived slights and the intense and illogical jealousy in one week or two or four or ten. It takes a long time. Who knows, maybe there will be a future where we are friends, or more, but for my sake and for his — I want us to be each our happiest and most loved selves — I need to be honest with myself that it’s going to take some time and I need to work on it no matter what happens and I have to let that outcome go and focus on me. I see myself in your fears and jealousy and believe me when I say you’re being totally irrational and dramatic and paranoid. And it makes me sad for you and for me. But I really really really hope that you work with a therapist and do exercise and get outside and practice gratitude and self love. It is the only thing that will save you – now and in the future. You have to. So what is the story with you now?February 4, 2016 at 11:41 pm #503663
Sarah I have recently gone through the samething, and did something close to the samething. And every once in a while I have to poke him to see if he still will jump. But my issue was he was texting another woman just weeks after we got engaged. I had been cheated on in all my previous relationships. But I told him that I felt uncomfortable with him texting her. I told him that would make me feel more comfortable was for him to show me the texts (he constantly gose through my phone even now when we are not together) or to meet her. I would tell me his phone is right there and not locked and I can go through it because he has nothing to hide. I am not that kind of person who will just take someone’s phone and go through it because that is not who I am. I told him that I would prefer if he showed me the texts to put me at more ease. I knew he was not cheating and would never cheat. We moved in with my cousin and her husband (who is my ex’s “best friend”). When he would text this other female I would joking ask him if he was texting his girlfriend. His “best friend” would ask him why am I accusing him of cheating. I never once used the word cheating, but because of the “best friend” he decided that we should break up, and said that my jealousy was getting way to out of hand. The worst I did was ask him if he was texting his girlfriend. I also would point out the women who would give him the googly eyes. He would never see them because he doesn’t want them. He says that once I am happy and figure out my issues then maybe we will get back together. We have been hooking up on a regular basis since we broke up, and we also still live in the same house. We have been seeking around and fucking, but everyone knows we are fucking. The only thing we are not doing is sleeping in the same bed because he thinks that it will give me mixed emotions. How is fucking, and not sleeping in the same bed not giving the wrong impression? I am doing a good job at keeping my feelings at bay, but now he is ignoring me and I just have to get how I really feel and how I have always felt off my chest because it is killing me. So, I wrote him a letter telling him how I feel, and how dumb it was that he broke up with me because of his “best friend.” Need help please!! I don’t know what else to do. He also keeps asking me if I am fucking anyone because I went to the bar a few weeks back with some coworkers. What do I do?February 5, 2016 at 1:46 am #503667
De, move on…
Plain & simple- skip the drama & move on.February 5, 2016 at 3:50 am #503677
I know a lot of people here are blaming you and dissing you, but I understand your feelings because I’ve been in the same situation and I’d do exactly the same things and my bf said ‘I’m crazy and I exaggerate and create things that are not true and he cant take it anymore. But I just told him It bothered me that he is in regular contact with the girls who liked him and the girls he used to like but he said I was accusing him and I’m crazy! I didnt accuse him at all. I’ve been in your shoes, I know how it feels :( – I suggest you work on your confidence and self love which will teach you not to give a f to anyone or anything. Then you’ll be able to move on. Men like confident women and if you can just show that, he may end up being the one chasing you. No one is more important than yourself, you deserve more love and respect. Be brave and strong and move on, let go and you’ll find inner peace. Positive things will happen. Good luck xxFebruary 5, 2016 at 4:40 am #503680
The way you deal with a breakup really shows a guy who you are and really that is one of the most important things in whether they ever come back to you, which is never for sure anyhow but you have to realize that you have to love yourself first and foremost and right now you really have no value for yourself so why should anyone else love you then?
You are a valuable person but you have to realize it, learn it and seek out serious therapy as you obviously cannot control yourself and every relationship you will have will suffer and break due to lack of trust. If someone loves you, not trusting them will really hurt them as he did nothing against you.
What I mean about how you deal with a breakup; most women will initially have some anger and will say things but it should never get out of hand. Being sad but in a non-attacking way is the best thing to do. And sometimes silence is the most powerful, it speaks more than a thousand words. Silent pain will have a bigger effect on men than anything else.
But all this should not be an act, things need to come from within yourself. For that you really really have to change your mindset. Sometimes immense suffering does it to change a person to make them realize that what they have done does not work. No matter how much you push, you cannot make someone want to be with you.
If you contact him, that is the worst thing. If you contact him with jealousy, there is nothing worse than that because he broke up with you for this sole reason. It sounds to me like yes he loves you and yes he doubts himself that he will not want to get back together, which does not mean he will want to but there is a chance if you change. Please never ever contact him though and if he does do not be immediately ready to respond.
Please try to be open to life. It is also ridiculous to think that he will get into bed with girls right away especially if you do not contact him. I know this is terribly hurtful but even if it happens, it means nothing, it would be a rebound and he may only realize more that he loved you, sometimes men test other women to really know you are the one and vice versa. Be open and allow him to be open. Life will tell what will happen.
Please please focus on yourself on various forms of therapy if you need to, friends, support, going out, feeling better about yourself. No men wants a desperate woman and right now your mindset is desperate.February 5, 2016 at 4:09 pm #503833
Thank you for all the advice. With the letter that I wrote him seemed to work. I feel better because I got all my feelings out to him, and he and I talked quit a bit this morning before he left to go to work. He told me that he dose have feelings for me, but we are not getting back together right now. I told him that I still have a lot to work on and I don’t mean right now. I told him slowly get back in the groove. We kind of rushed things right from the start, and I was only out of my pervious relationship for just a short time. Which I thought I was over, but there was things that kept coming back up and it made it worse for me to get over and move on with the new. I think we will work something out together. And I know that he is not going to jump into bed with the next girl he see because I am still the one he sees. I want to take things slowly and help myself get over my problems.May 15, 2017 at 3:46 pm #626990
I’m currently going through the same thing and it’s breaking my heart..I can’t get over the guilt that I’m feeling.
I’m wondering what ended up happening with you? Are you better now? Did he come back at all?April 11, 2018 at 9:13 am #696962
I think that this guy’s behaviour triggered your insecurities. It is true that your trust issues need to be treated, but you also need a person who has same values and sensibilities as you.April 11, 2018 at 11:27 am #696982
2 year old post you guuuuuys