Has anyone done NC with a breakup after a short term relationship and it worked?

Charlotte.82,

NC is applied to help you move on NOT a strategy to get someone or anyone back under any circumstances. He was honest with you. He admitted he was in turmoil as he was not feeling it. It has nothing to do with you or about something you said or did or didn’t say or do. Please do not punish or prolong your pain. Let it go. Move on. If he does come back and most of them do, it’s either they’re looking for an ego boost, keeping you at bay just in case. The best approach from your end is to go NC because you want to heal, move on, and allow the right man to walk into your life. Men are in the moment creature. You cannot hold them or measure their emotional state towards you through all the sweet, awesome things they said or did during the time they spent with you. A true measure of a real loving relationship is about two people giving a sense of fulfillment to each other, everyday, everytime, the kind that grows overtime, long lasting, it builds a strong foundation for a deeper connection. And if the time came, the man said, I’m done and don’t want to continue, believe him. Do not analyze and rewind all the things he did and said to you no matter how deeply connected you feel. When he says, it’s over, it is over.

Charlotte

You don’t mentioned how long you were seeing each other I will assume it was a few months. From your description it seems you guys went pretty quick here spending lots of time together and unfortunately the bubble popped for him when he felt the pressure that things were moving to a relationship that he was not really feeling at the moment.

I understand… last year I went kind of through the same thing, the difference was we were not together all the time. He was going through a lot of personal stress which really I felt he brought upon himself. Anyway he broke things off and we kept in contact weekly (him reaching out to me I was still hurt by him breaking it off but I told him I understood) then after several months we rekindled.

Here is where I screwed up..I told him I didn’t want a casual relationship! I say I screwed up because it was too soon after we rekindled and I was feeling the hurt of him breaking things off months prior and now coming back I just kind of wanted a confirmation that he wasn’t going to leave. However nothing is a guarantee we can be in love with someone today and tomorrow someone else comes and sweeps you off your feet. I should have waited longer and really just enjoyed the moment with him and made sure this was what I wanted. I do regret kind of giving him the ultimatum but at the end of the day if he really wanted to work things out he would have tried more. I can’t dwell on the past we need to move on and learn from our mistakes.

If he comes back you need to make sure it is what you want and not just because he is back. Sometimes these things makes it clearer of how we really feel about someone. For now just accept that he was not strong enough to give you want you needed.

L – thank you so much for answering and sharing your story. It’s so hard to say ‘in hindsight’ you wish you would have said this or that.

It’s great in a way that you got that opportunity to rekindle something that was obviously still there, so it’s a shame it didn’t last, but it’s also good that perhaps you got it out of your system in one way or an other?

I think I have a romanticised idea of what happens after a break up (or not even a proper breakup) and I always think that people get back together and that has happened to most relationships in my family.

Truth is, we weren’t together for a long time (2 months) it did happen fast, but we both enjoyed each other so much and it just naturally happened that way. He was always asking me out again and again, and I felt secure in that, and never felt the need to bring up the ‘what are we’ question, because I enjoyed what it was. I stopped enjoying it when he pulled back because I just didn’t get why he was. He would even joke about me not putting pressure on him, because I was so relaxed about everything.

I think the biggest thing right now for me to get over, is how easy it was for him, to just stop talking to me, after being in contact with me everyday, there was not one day when we weren’t in touch. He was the one calling every night, he was the one buying me things on his trip away, he was the one asking when I was coming back and saying he was excited to get back to me,’ so I am struggling with where that goes as I am not someone who invests without really being willing to invest, so I don’t get people who run hot and cold, Ive just never done that.

Of course he could have met someone else, but in a way I find that hard to believe simply because of the always being in contact and him having a really demanding job and a sport he’s heavily invested in.

Charlotte – My, my, my….they are so wonderful in the very beginning aren’t they? -) Don’t you find it quite amazing how they can do all of the right things… being extra attentive, spending quality time, saying the right things, taking you out on dates, holding your hand, etc…? BUT, on the same token, can say to you that they don’t feel the same for you as you feel for them, and OOOH, what about this one?… I didn’t mean to hurt you. Now, they got you feeling like you’re crazy! You’re questioning yourself…”where did I go wrong? did I miss something? did I read too much into this?” WTF! I mean REALLY? WTF?

This “ish” is CRAZY to me. But guess what? you didn’t do anything wrong, so get that outta your head. You are a rational, red-blooded, warm-hearted, young woman who responded to the loving and kind gestures of a man…nothing wrong with that. Now with that said, I have to say this; this is what SOOO many of them do. They do all of the right things that causes the woman to fall for them, then they pull back from her, when she informs him that she’s developed feelings and wants exclusivity.

Although the relationship WAS only a couple months old. But even with that said, he responded with “he didn’t think we were anything but exclusive.” BUT right after that conversation, he gets weird and distant…smh. I think it’s MEAN to treat somebody that way… giving her the impression that she said or did something wrong :-(

Even if he didn’t agree, he could have handled it differently. He could have said something along the lines of this; “I am flattered that you feel that way about me, and I have really enjoyed the times we’ve spent together too. I think you’re sweet and very attractive and I want to continue spending time with you. I have to be honest though, I’m not quite there right now…at the point where you are, yet!, because I feel I’m still in the ‘getting to know’ you stages, but I really would like to continue dating you, if you’ll have me?” Then at that point, he can feel proud, hold his head up high, because he knows he did the RIGHT thing. He’s ALLOWING her the opportunity to consider whether she wants to continue or not, at the same time leaving her with her DIGNITY! But this stepping back and pulling away and being unresponsive is just plain ole unnecessary and mean!

P.S. – I would suggest that next time, allow more ‘invested time’ before considering the bf/gf situation. It takes a lot more time for getting to know someone.

I’m not trying to be unkind here…

But, someone who doesn’t want you isn’t “the one”. It’s really important to realize and accept that just because one person thinks the relationship is going great and progressing, does not mean that is what the other person feels.

When a man says he doesn’t want to be with you, the worst thing you can do is refuse to believe and accept it. Anytime you have to convince or beg a man, you’ve already lost.

No halfway decent guy falls in love with a woman who doesn’t respect herself not to accept scraps and expect a man’s best. If you show them you will tolerate sub par treatment just because you are desperate to keep them around, they may hang out and use you till something better comes along…but only until the girl they really want appears.

The only thing to do in these situations is keep your dignity and walk away.

Guys tend to get the women first … Give them the moon and make them fall in love before whether he is going to keep her.

So if you fall hard and quick , you just create the greatest opportunity to be the victim here.

Your mistake is you believe he is the one in 2-3 months during the time he hides all his flaws. No men can get like a perfect guy forever, they leave before women discover that the guys are far from perfect and tried to act perfect during that short lived courtship.

So don’t make the same mistakes. Take it slow, the one will stay then whoever stay, you will know who is the one.