This topic contains 20 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Katie 2 weeks ago.
October 3, 2020 at 10:13 pm #816982
I’ve been dating this guy for 3 weeks (3 dates). We’re suppose to go out next week on the 4th date. We exchanged each other’s birthdays on the first day, then on this last date I reminded him my birthday is this Saturday (it’s today). He has texted me every other day for almost a month except today on my actual birthday. Douchebag or an easy slip?
I don’t know if I’m just being a psycho and getting mad over nothing or if this is a dealbreaker. For me, this is a dealbreaker. I know we’ve only been on 3 dates but how hard is it to send a text saying “Happy Birthday” to a girl you like? My friends think I’m overreacting, but I don’t think I am. My thoughts are if he forgets your birthday in the beginning, what is it like going to be down the line.
Need opinions. Thanks.October 3, 2020 at 10:32 pm #816986
T from NY
You are most definitely, unequivocally, OVERreacting. He is not your bf, you don’t even know him yet, you should be living such a full, happy life you barely notice a man’s efforts until he’s your actual bf and he.owes.you.nothing.
Seriously. Check your entitlement. It will not serve you.October 3, 2020 at 10:34 pm #816988
You are overeacting – massively!!!
3 dates is nothing. He is a stranger you are getting to know not your bf! Expecting him to remember your birthday is ridiculous… you aren’t his gf, he is probably talking to and dating several women since i assume you aren’t exclusive after just 3 dates.
If this is how invested you are after 3 dates i think you seriously need to consider if you should be dating as this level of upset is way above what is normal when a person you barely know forgets your birthday!!!October 4, 2020 at 2:00 am #817016
LOL I know he’s dating other women. I’m dating other men too. And yes, I’m fully aware he is a stranger. But I also know that when a guy likes you and you tell him your birthday is coming up, he won’t forget it if he’s interested in you.October 4, 2020 at 2:54 am #817020
Agree with others – this is not an issue. Many men forget their actual gfs’ and wives’ birthdays – relationship books talk about that and encourage the women not to get upset but “help them look good” by hinting / reminding them! But this is way down the line, when you two are in a relationship. Here, I would let it go and not blink an eye.October 4, 2020 at 6:45 am #817040
If youre ready to call a guy a douchebag for this and say its a dealbreaker then stop seeing the guy. Its most likely not a good fit for you anyway expectation wise.October 4, 2020 at 1:34 pm #817078
Not the real Lilly Collins
I understand where you’re coming from and I agree that if a guy was into you he’d remember. But it’s still early days, it’s only been 3 dates, try to relax.
Birthdays are a big thing for me too but if a stranger forgot mine, whatever! You’re just getting to know him so he probably just forgot. Guys don’t remember dates well. Heck, my bf even forgot about our valentine’s day lunch this year because he fell asleep after his morning shift at work as he was too tired. Made it up to me at the end but what I’m trying to say is that men are so clueless sometimes and they are not like us, or me at least, and write every down in my diary.
Please don’t try and confront him about forgetting, it’ll be a bit too…much in my opinion. Just forget about it. Why are you caring so much about one guy who fogot? As long as your best friends didn’t then that’s all that matters.October 4, 2020 at 4:23 pm #817089
You are NOT overreacting. He is a selfish, self-centered jerk. Get rid of him. What you get from men in the beginning is their best as they try to win you over. He is not putting forth ANY effort at all, which is clearly showing you what a relationship with this clown would be like. Even if birthdays are not important to HIM (as in HIS birthday), a man who is truly interested in you would at a bare minimum wish you a happy birthday. Next level up is a small thoughtful gift or maybe a small bouquet flowers and a card (in line with the fact that you two don’t know each other that well yet).
What you are asking for is something that even coworkers do for each other, neighbors, siblings, your online friends, your girlfriends. The fact that he has not said a word means he doesn’t care about you even to the level of consideration one would show an acquaintance! Be very clear on that and understand that his behavior towards you is a clear indicator of what a relationship with him would be like. You’d be ignored and feel hurt and disappointed constantly. This is a red flag. Pay attention to it. Ignore these people who are trying to get you to accept being discounted and emtionally abused.October 4, 2020 at 4:28 pm #817092
Not saying happy birthday to a person you saw 3 Times in a whole life span is emotional abuse lol. You just made my day.October 4, 2020 at 4:28 pm #817093
It IS an issue. What those articles try to do is allow men to get away with being selfish and women to take it. I disagree vehemently with those “relationship experts” who are doing nothing but promoting that women put themselves and their needs second to men’s desires to be self-centered and to treat their partners callously. NO WOMAN SHOULD ACCEPT HER MAN FORGETTING HER BIRTHDAY or any other day important to her. There is no excuse. Smartphones have calendar features that you can enter several reminders in advance to the actual date so he can get popup notifications to buy a gift, say happy birthday, etc. if he is so “forgetful.” What is amazing is how they never forget things about themselves, only about you. They never forget sports scores, or stupid jokes from 10th grade, or the names of men you dated in the past and all the details you told him about those relationships when you were being silly. Nope, they remember ALL OF THAT. But something important to YOU, suddenly he gets amnesia? Women accept too much mistreatment just to keep some knucklehead man around. Stop sacrificing your needs and yourself for men. Either he steps up properly or he is discarded like the trash he is. There should never be a middle ground.October 4, 2020 at 4:29 pm #817095
You know he wants to sleep with her. He is too silly to make it something she wants to do, I can’t help him. Saying happy birthday to someone you are seeing is common courtesy. If you don’t acknowledge their special day yes it is emotionally abusive and hurtful to her. The fact that you don’t understand that shows you are just like him.October 4, 2020 at 4:33 pm #817096
Including the birthdays of my pets? If they are important to me? Are you not losing track of things that really matter here? Like how a guy treats you, cares for you, make plans with you, want to surprise you. And where you both decide to walk the same path. Calling forgetting a birthday emotional abuse is totally over the top but also totally irrelevant if you barely know the guy so far.October 4, 2020 at 8:17 pm #817114
Guys don’t care about birthdays as much as women do. You can rant and rail about this as much as you want, but it doesn’t change the facts. I was in a long-term relationship with a guy who would forget HIS OWN birthday. Literally. We dated several years and every year I had to remind him about his own birthday. It seems unnecessarily rigid and unrealistic to me to expect a guy you’ve had 3 dates with to wish you a happy birthday. And “emotional abuse” it is not. I have experienced emotional and physical abuse in a relationship and I can assure you that having a guy you’ve been on 3 dates with forget your birthday is not abuse.
OP, you mentioned you are dating other guys– did all of them wish you a happy birthday as well? I agree with Newbie that if you think this is a “dealbreaker” and this guy is a douchebag for not remembering, then you should stop dating him because your expectations are not aligned. You used the word “dealbreaker”, so it would be foolish to continue dating this guy if you’re this upset over it. Focus on the other guys you’re dating who DID wish you a happy birthday, if any of them did. Seriously just consider this a screener to weed out a guy who is not a good fit for you.October 5, 2020 at 9:57 am #817197
Christ almighty, massively overreacting. You barely know the guy.October 5, 2020 at 10:56 am #817202
Thanks for all the insight girls. I really appreciate it. He hasn’t texted me in 3 days since the day before my birthday, and I’m ok with that. LOL it’s just a massive sign he’s not interested. Moving on :)April 29, 2021 at 3:21 pm #864695
I know this thread is old but I found it and feel the need to chime in. I literally just had the SAME experience and I did overreact on him…there is no “to be fair” I straight up overreacted because I felt he would be doing something or at least remember. Its hard because dating in the age is so unpredictable – you can be dating a guy a month and feel like whatever – you wouldnt care that he missed it, but this guy in my situation – we talk everyday, and like a decent amount too. He literally asked me about four different times, when is you birthday? What are you doing? etc etc. Then the last time I saw him he told me he wanted to break it off with the other woman he’d been seeing and was sorry he was going to be out of town for my birthday. The rest of the week, we talked a ton, he started sending me love songs (maybe love bombing looking back) and we even had a conversation about making space for each other and wanting to focus on our lives and this relationship. AFTER ONLY THREE DATES. I was a little scared but told him as long as we were clear about bandwidth and needs, I would be okay letting him in. Because it FEELS like we know each other very well – we have talked about all our traumas, our past experiences, exes…too much honestly. Then he went out of town, we talked a bit and my birthday came and he didnt say a word. This is where I did not practice grace or lead with compassion….because the last time I didnt hear from him for a day – he actually got into a car accident…so I finally did message him and asked if he was okay…it just snowballed from there. He was ok…apparently just tired from his 8 hour drive, which okay I understand but he was the passenger…but whatever. Then I reminded him it was my birthday and he just said “Happy Birthday” being the totally rational person I was in that moment and also being that I could feel his energy was just different, I told him it felt out of character for him and this whole thing felt weird. He wanted to make it up to me…but then spent the next 24 hours making excuses on why hes too busy to take time to actually talk to me. Again, I overreacted. I did. I called him out but wasnt super bitchy, I just told him…this is triggering for me honestly and feeling a little like a pattern for you. This is all coming from a place of pain and after all we have talked about, it felt like a choice for you to not message me. Again, he likes me and wants to make it up to me…but then again, he cant find even 10 minutes to talk to me. We made plans the next day, he canceled and said it was for family stuff… So finally I said, look…Im sorry I took it so personally and I know you’re sorry you forgot. but now you aren’t making any time and Im just being annoying.. this isnt good or healthy so if you want to talk, how about next week? He then got a little peeved because thats “two weeks away”…like does he like that he’s driving me crazy?? We scheduled a date for next Friday, Im keeping my messages very simple and to the point and then he said was “why are you being so dry and transactional – its getting weird. What’s with the formality? I mean…okay so I overreacted and you are more responsive to that but dont like me being forceful, then I underreact and try to remain stoic and its too dry…so I told him – Im jus trying to keep it simple bc clearly we are misaligned and to avoid any further upset this feels best – he agreed and I told him that if he finds the time and wants to reach out before then, okay – otherwise Im going to leave him to it and see him next week.
Part of me, well alot of me knows this isnt healthy – I do feel like this was purposeful in some ways – he straight up told me “he likes crazy girls” and all I can think now is, does that mean you like driving them crazy? I have worked really hard to overcome these reactive states and dated men that are more consistent in nature and communication but sometimes these wild ones get into you heart and mind and its maddening. Im moving forward with the thought that this Friday date, might not actually happen. I told him I wouldnt be reaching out and that was also for me, so I hold myself to it and take the time to really think about what this means down the line. Because I do agree with some of you that what happens in the beginning is a signifier for later on…guys I went on ONE date with wished me a happy birthday, guys I havent met yet but matched with, wished me happy birthday. but of course Im not interested in them as much and the one I have involved myself in left me feeling disappointed. I hate that I overreacted but it was an important lesson and I think a good indicator this isnt going to work out long term.April 29, 2021 at 9:56 pm #864775
Cut him off. Block him. Delete his contact. Take your power back. I know that’s what I would do in a heartbeat. It’s enough that he consciously didn’t wish you a happy birthday, but to allow him to stand you up again and again, come onApril 30, 2021 at 6:52 pm #865026
Omg! If it wasn’t for me REMINDING my husband, he would FORGET to wish his own mother a happy birthday!
Not every guy remembers those days. My partner is the OPPOSITE of my husband, LOVES birthdays, and goes the extra mile but I would forget mine if he didn’t remind me lol.
The ONLY two birthday’s that truly matter to me are my two son’s—the rest can suck it.April 30, 2021 at 6:55 pm #865027
Meant to say “the rest can suck it IF I forget.”May 7, 2021 at 11:08 am #868101
If this was me I’d be pretty annoyed too! I know that you guys just met but you already exchanged birthdays and reminded him. It’s not hard to shoot someone a quick happy birthday text if you’ve been talking almost daily even as friends. A guy that’s instantly drawn to you won’t forget even the smallest detail especially in the beginning because they wanna impress you. It’s not such a big deal tbh but I’d be kinda annoyed haha, just give it time tho I wouldn’t completely write him off for something like that. See where it goes ! Best of luck ♡June 10, 2021 at 2:02 pm #881629
Naah, you reminded him in advance and it takes almost no effort to text two tiny words. Every guy I’ve known that has been into me has been certain to wish me happy birthday if it’s coming up and vice versa. Kinda hard to forget when you’re thinking about someone a lot ;p