Guy says he doesn't want a relationship right now, now what?


Home Forums Dating and Sex Advice Guy says he doesn't want a relationship right now, now what?

This topic contains 34 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  ANM Staff 3 weeks, 6 days ago.

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  • #425486

    Maggie

    So before everyone attacks me for believing a classic one-liner, please hear me out :)

    I’ve been seeing a guy 1-2x/week for a few months – great connection and I really could see it going somewhere. In the middle of it all, he started a new job and at that time I noticed he became more distant. I let it go for a few weeks but recently decided I had to say something. I asked him what he was thinking about us, and he said “I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship right now. With this new job and not having any other free time, I need to focus on myself and it wouldn’t be fair to involve anyone else right now.” I said “I wish you would have told me this from the beginning” and he says “I was ready for one before but I just don’t think I’m ready at this moment.”

    I asked if he wasn’t ready in general, or just with me; and he said in general. And then I asked if he ever sees a relationship with me and he said yes.

    I know the “smartest” thing to do would be to probably walk away but I just feel something I can’t quite explain with him. I believe what he has to say and think he’s being sincere and honest, so I don’t think he was feeding me lines.

    What do you guys think? Is it even worth continuing to see him and addressing the situation at another point?

    #425488

    Ashley

    no matter what you feel for him, he still needs to be the one to lead. don’t address anything anymore or it will feel like you’re not understanding him and that you’re pressuring him. just continue to live your life as you normally do. he will either step up or he won’t but he has to do that on his own ya know

    #425489

    Khadija

    Maggie,
    I’m still going to say it’s time to move on.
    Life waits for no one. He said he is not interested in a relationship at this time.
    If that is what you want I see no reason to continue dating him.
    In a few months should he change his mind he can call you and try courting you again.
    Hopefully by then you will have already found someone who was ready.
    Don’t make this common mistake thinking that a man will suddenly wake up and change their mind. In the end they usually don’t end up with you, they end up with the one who did not wait around.

    #425492

    Amy S

    Hi. I think to continue with this guy is to torture yourself. He has told you upfront what his feelings are and you have to respect this. I think if you continue to see him then its on his terms and he will likely just mess you around and do the slow fade anyway. Find someone that’s on the same page as you. Easier all round x

    #425493

    Laur

    Oh my god I’m going thru the SAME exact thing. Killer hours at work that I know he has for a damn fact. But it’s such a classic excuse that I can’t take it. Keep the advice coming ladies I need it too

    #425501

    alia

    Walk away, hands down!

    #425502

    Laur

    Grrr I know but….doesn’t it actually make sense? His excuse in this case?

    #425504

    talllady

    We have no way to know if it is an excuse or not. And it is irrelevant.

    Be really careful – he did not say – wait for me. He is willing to let you go right now, period. Listen to what he said and not what you wanted him to say.

    If you try to stay with him right now, you will look like a doormat. why? well, if you stay with him right now, you will basically saying, you can tell me you don’t want a relationship with me for whatever reason and I will stay instead of going out to find a real relationship. He knows he can’t give you what you deserve. If you stay, you will be saying – no, I deserve less.

    End it, and tell him to give you a call when he is more settled.

    Such a bummer. Sorry!

    #425505

    Rose

    If you like the guy and are OK with things as they are then do nothing.

    If you are looking for a relationship then do not wait for him to make up his mind. Date other people and find someone without a new job.

    #425507

    patsytshirt

    Google an article from therulesrevisited called “Don’t Let a Guy Waste Your Most Eligible Years”. Waiting for him will prevent you from meeting the guy who actually wants something serious and would never make you wait.

    #425508

    EM

    I completely agree with what Khadija said. I understand that you want to keep the great connection that you have with him, but he can’t give you a relationship. You should stop seeing him and start seeing other guys who are looking for a relationship and whenever he has more time in his hands and if you are still single then you two could give this a shot. Life is too short to wait around for this one guy.

    #425530

    Mistral

    @ Maggie,

    PLEASE DON’T LEAVE. I know what the others are saying and why. The odds are stacked way against this relationship working out “under normal conditions”.

    But, this isn’t a normal “player” situation. I believe your guy is asking you to be patient with him. Give him 6 months to a year and I am betting he will be asking you to marry him.

    In the meantime, be there for him, be loving, but don’t let him get away with bullshit. Unconditional love with boundaries is what is called for in this situation. And lots of self-love and patience.

    I am in a similar situation (different cause, same result) and I am glad I was patient because the timing is much better for us now and NOW I’m seeing the real man…the gentle, kind and loving man that was hiding behind the “player” mask. Now, he’s courting me the old-fashioned way again as he had in the very beginning about 8 months ago and then abruptly changed in December. For the last two months, he’s been so wonderful.

    Give yourself the chance to know the beautiful loving feeling I am getting right now. :)

    #425587

    Sanni

    Hi Maggie –

    Actually, I have to agree with Mistral, why? Because what she’s saying makes a lot of sense, PROVIDING that you honestly do believe in his reasons and you blieve in what you may have with him and if you belive there might be hope…Yes the words “might” and “hope” are not guaranteed, you’re taking a chance, but if you can afford that chance, then why wouldn’t you at least give it a shot??

    I’m in similar situation as well…My guy and I met almost a year ago, we fell into a relationship, we both wanted it but 6 months later life threw us a curve ball. His career became his priority and he’s explained in detail why and that he just doesn’t have the time to build a happy and healthy serious relationship right now. We broke up, it was hard, I was hurting, he was hurting too, but what he’s working so hard towards is super important to him and I can’t tell him not to go for it. To keep a long story short, he basically said the same thing to me as your guy did to you, he’s not asking me to stay because he knows that unfair, but he’s also not asking me to go, he’s being open and honest with me as to where he stands and what his focus is and leaving it up to me to decide on what I want to do….

    After talking about my situation to death with friends, family, co workers and even on here, I came to the realization that I need to make my own decision. I DO belive in my guys reasons, I DO believe they are legitimate. I am NOT in a rush for babies (I already have a child, so i can really go either way) I’m NOT in a rush for marriage, beause I’m whatever about that too, its not a deal breaker for me…I love him A LOT, I want to support him, be there for him if he should need that love, and encouragement when things get tough…I want to be patient, beacuse I do believe that it’s worth the wait, at last for right now…I have been honest with him and told him that SHOULD I decide that I’m no longer happy or that this isn’t for me anymore, I will be honest about that too and to this day, I haven’t regretting my decision. I think I would have REALLY regretted it had I just walked away and not even given it a small chance.

    Should you decide to stay, that doesn’t mean that your life is ruined or that now you won’t ever have the future that you’ve always dreamed of, because no one is telling you to stay waiting for life! LOL You can always re-evaluate in a few months or half a yr, depending on how old you are, where you’re at in your life and what you want…

    Anyways, fast forward to today in my situation, my guy and I are dating again. We are both happy, we are taking things slow and he’s still working on achieving his goal and I’m right beside him and I will continue to be until the day I change my mind, should I change my mind…People may ask, “Well what about you, Sanni? what about your goal?” My goal is a family and I do believe that being patient will eventually get me that. Be it with him or with someone else. :)

    Anyways Maggie, it’s your choice and if you choose to wait it out for a bit, be patient, support him and just enjoy whatever time you have with him, then do that and don’t feel bad about it, regardless as to what people may thing. If you feel it deep down in your gut that this is what you want to do, then go for it!

    If you do decide to wait, then you have to master being patient, not pressure him, not pressure the relationship, just go with the flow, enjoy the moments, live in the now and not look too far into the future.

    #604096

    Ana

    Well, I’m somehow in a similar situation and don’t really know what’s best thing to do…

    A few months after I broke up with my ex I met this guy and since first date there was a click between us, felt like we knew each other for a long time already…

    We had already a few dates in past 4 months and when we are together we do things that usually a real couple would do… We are still getting to know each other so it can’t be very very serious right now and I don’t even want that to be so serious, but at least I would consider it a beginning of a nice relationship… He’s very sweet to me and we text each other almost every day, sometimes I send the first message but a lot of times he’s also the first to send… We talk about everything and make plans to do nice things together in the future and we also try to be together at least once a week.

    About 3 weeks ago we had this serious but relaxed talk and I found out he had a rough end of his last relationship… he doesn’t really like to talk about it because he says he’s not comfortable talking about his feelings but in general lines, he told me he cheated on his last girlfriend… He said he never thought could be able to do such a thing and feels really bad for that and doesn’t want to make the same mistake ever again… Also told me that things went way to fast with his last relationship and made me think that maybe it was part of the problem for him… Maybe he’s scared that we also do things too fast?

    I told him my story too, that my last boyfriend cheated on me, and I guess it made him think twice because later on we were about to do something more together and he just told me he was really sorry but after what I told him he couldn’t do nothing bad to me and started to be contradictory…

    First said he really likes me and to hang out with me but after the rough situation he had before he couldn’t be in a serious relationship right now… so what he wanted was to have a good time with me and if I didn’t want to kiss or have sex and instead just spend time together and talk so be it, he just didn’t want me out of his life…

    Right after he said that in fact he didn’t really know what he wants, but really likes me and he’s feeling more and more attracted to me. Also said I’m his only date since he broke up… and that he didn’t want to have dates with other girls…

    He also finished that conversation asking me not to abandon him just yet cause he would miss me too much…

    It feels like he’s affraid of starting a relationship after what happened to him, specially because he’s affraid of things going way too fast again? But I don’t really know how to deal with this…

    Honestly, what I want right now is to keep on getting to know him better and better and only time would tell if it’ll become serious or not… I’d love to keep seeing him but also having time with my friends and time for myself, so nothing like some couples who are always together and do everything together… but the only thing I’d want to make sure is to have some sort of exclusivity for each other, meaning that if we like to spend time together and have intimate moments then assume we are having somehow a relationship which for now is right in the beginning… so that would mean not available for other people/romance… I don’t think this should be a problem since he said he didn’t want to have other dates with other girls and that he likes to spend time with me… I also don’t feel like having dates with other guys because I’m really enjoying to get to know him every time a bit more…

    I know I have to talk to him again and explain this things, but I don’t really know how to deal with this situation…
    Also he’s been texting me everyday, lately he’s starting conversation more times than me, but feels like he’s a bit distant sometimes… maybe it’s his way of saying he needs some space for himself or is it a way of saying he doesn’t want this anymore? And if it is so, why is he texting me almost every day and making plans for us to do stuff for the future (I mean things like jumping from a plane or go skying together…)?

    I don’t know him for that long to be desperately sad and crying all the time, but I must say I’m starting to fall for him, which makes me scared that things don’t go the way I’d like them to go and I really didn’t want to stop seeing him cause we’re having a really good time together…

    What shall I do???

    #604097

    L

    Think about it. Why would a man who really wants you, wants to impress you, would tell you he cheated on his last gf?
    Think hard.

    #604099

    Nat

    Things did not “happen” to him, Ana. Things happened to you, when your ex BF cheated on you, but in his case, he did it himself. You can’t just “cheat” accidentally, you go for it. You need to think about it, visualize all the step[s that lead to cheating, even if it is a one-night drunken thing, still, you do go out with someone, you flirt, you drink and then you don’t stop and go further.

    He said he does not want to hurt you, why are you not listening? He is one of those guys who need to sleep around or cheat occasionally. Many men are like that, but not all of them act upon those urges. He does.

    I think it is a good thing that he is pulling away, you should too. Use your instincts, you attracted cheaters twice, so stop being gullible and walk into a burning building with your eyes shut. Walk away from it.

    #604105

    Ellen

    If you have been reading this forum, you will notice how many of these instances are: something in life happens to the guy, he pulls away, and says he is not ready for a relationship. It happened to me recently. Whether it is an excuse or the truth, the outcome doesn’t change for you: do you still want a relationship? If you see yourself getting into a more meaningful long term connection then h is not it.

    A guy that keeps you In his radar or as a place holder is worse than fading or ghosting. But quite honestly you still don’t know what his true intentions are. Why don’t you make
    It easier and put yourself in a better position and date others?

    The cheating is a pretty red flag in my opinion. He is showing his true colors, whether you choose to see them or not it’s your problem.

    #613982

    Gillian

    I’m going through exactly the same situation with a man who has two teenage children, works full-time and has told me after a few weeks that he doesn’t think he can have a relationship right now. It happened when there was a serious situation with his 19-year old daughter but doesn’t appear to have changed his mind. I’ve met him once just for half hour for a cup of tea.
    I don’t know whether I have the strength to wait for him (I had quite a bad relationship break-up last year) but I really really liked this guy. Smart, clever, very kind. I don’t want to miss out on something. I find it hard to just text, talk about what you’re up to without knowing when I might even see him and after we were close when we were dating. I really don’t know if I can hang in there without hurting myself either.

    #613993

    Crisula

    this post is from 2015

    #613995

    T from NY

    Oh my goodness — old post — but still so relevant!! I cannot believe the excuses that women put up with to stay with a man who will not put a label on it and call it a relationship. Even if you BELIEVE the man has stuff going on, stress, past relationship baggage it all means the same thing — he is unwilling to commit to you and perfectly willing to let another man snatch you up.

    So so glad I won’t wait around for any man — ever again. 98% of the time it ends in heartache.

    #628209

    Lou

    Me and my boyfriend have had a strong 5 month relationship, we were even planning our future and he out of the blue tells me he wants a break and doesn’t want a relationship right now.

    I support him in everything but this decision is killing me. I love him and I want him back but I don’t know if I should wait for him to come back to me or just cut ties.

    #635086

    Anonymous

    Hey there…i was studying at a university where i felt so stressful and wanted to discontinue..none of the people were able to help me but one guy who is my senior came forward to help me after a few Facebook conversations..when all process was done and the day before flying back to my country we went out for dinner[not as a date] but i was quite attracted to him that very time…after reaching my country i told him casually that i had a crush on him and to my suprise he said that he had a crush on me too..after a week i asked him about courting and he asked me to wait for him because he was stressed about his admission too as he had got expelled he needs to get admission in another university and it was quite stressful to him and if at all he doesnt get an admission he cant convince his family to marry me or provide me a good happy future with him as his career would be at stake..so i agreed to wait but after two weeks hr said that he was experiencing so much pain and confusion and not to have any hope on him..that he is not ready for a relationship now..i didnt understand why he said that so u kept on asking why and he said that he doesnt want it..i feel it must be either his admission process bothering him or his past bad experience from a relationship he had that is stopping him from courting me.[ before we confessed to each other that we were having feelings I remember him saying that he was so much hurt previously that if at all hw gets into a relationship he wont get much attached and wont take it personal] along with that he also said that a girl likes him and proposed and he likes her too but she is not ready for a relationship with him because her family will not be happy with it as their religions are different.seems that the girl has a unstable mind and she sometimes calls and speaks to him but at times also avoids him, while speaking he said if the girl gives a stable answers of not wanting him anymore he can look forward for another relationship, i was afraid if she had come back and so i asked him honestly if he wanted her or if ahe is back but he said that he was clear he didnt want anyone to be with in a relationship right now… At this situation i dont know what to do..by the way i am returning to another university in that country and if at all he gets admission there and we get to be in the same country i am looking forward to date him..but i dont know how i should approach him..please help

    #648532

    Jamie

    I recently meet a guy and the connection is amazing after a free weeks of dating (nothing intimate) he said he wanted to share his feelings because he didn’t want to come off as a jerk. He said he is really enjoying spending time with me but isn’t ready for a serious relationship right now but would like to continue seeing me. I’m not sure what I should do or want to do. I don’t want a casual hook up but also believe a relationship takes time too grow. I should point out that he just went through a divorce after a 13 year marriage and when i meet him he was literally just moving into his apartment so I can understand him not wanting to commit to a serious relationship.here’s the thing I’m not one of those girls that thinks she can change him and i don’t want to either but I do like him and can see why he would not want to commit right now. The question is do I keep dating him and see how I feel in a few weeks? Normally I would just walk away too make sure i don’t waste time or get hurt but I think I don that too much.out of all the guys I recently day I liked him the most so I wonder should I hang around a little while

    #648571

    Kris

    Read this two year old post in its entirety and you will have your answer.

    #683349

    anonymous

    me and my boyfriend broke up about a week ago because he isn’t ready to commit, and needs to focus on himself and he can’t focus on himself when his with me because he puts all his focus on me. we dated for 6 months, but he has never been in a relationship before, we were together all the time and never really had time for ourselves.
    he said not to wait for him if the opportunity comes up then take it, but i don’t want too.
    he says he loves me and that’s why he is doing this, he also says he wants to be with me but he can’t right now as he doesn’t feel himself.
    i honestly love him with everything i have and haven’t felt this way about someone before. we are also only 20, and i have no idea what to do.. help?!

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