This topic contains 27 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Rox 9 months ago.
May 20, 2023 at 10:41 am #941499
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. He has teen sons. I see him every other week. I have talked to him about needing a little more communication during the day in the past (a few times) but that I understand he has a really demanding job. We spent last week together, like our normal one on/one off pattern. He gets a lot of texts for work things in his line of work. He texted he had a great week with me and I said I did too. That was around 2:00 then at 6:00 I texted “I love you. Thinking about you” he left it unread until 1030 when he went to bed and just said “I’m off to bed love you.” Even though I would like and I have verbalized that I’d like for him to tell me when he’s busy so I don’t distract him to just send a quick message like “hey I’m busy talk later” he just leaves it unread. Then it’s hours. I understand he’s busy with his teens and with his work. I met the boys one time in 2 months ago at a neutral place and I brought up incorporating me more with them. He agreed. But when I asked about the upcoming week he said it wasn’t a good week. Also, we have also talked about buying a house together in 2 years. So I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t see me in his future—he said he does. Basically, I want more communication and I’m tired of asking for it, like he and I talked about, I want to be more incorporated with the kids—like out to dinner. How do I bring these things up in real time when they have been talked about and not changed? Also, I am trying to refrain from saying good morning first or good night. What do you guys think?May 20, 2023 at 3:47 pm #941501
I think you’ve done a good job about letting him know your needs (more communication and being integrated into his life more). He seems to be talking the talk but not walking the walk. His actions do not seem to show he sees you in his future. I would put a deadline on staying with him or leaving and see if any changes are made to meet your needs and if they are not- you find someone who will.May 20, 2023 at 10:33 pm #941503
Be careful of ultimatums, they mostly backfire…
You’ve been with him almost a year. Maybe he’s not a big texter?
Hopefully, you’re not waiting by the phone to hear from him. What are you doing to fill Your time?May 20, 2023 at 10:55 pm #941504
He hasn’t texted all day just now to say he took a nap. Didn’t say I love you too and didn’t do anything but like a post I made for our anniversary although I gave him the option to share itMay 20, 2023 at 11:12 pm #941505
You are obviously unhappy…
Take a step or two back & wait & see what happens.May 21, 2023 at 1:34 pm #941510
You see him every other week? Is that like once every other week or you spend a day or two together? With the lack of communication in between that would make anyone unhappy.
The only solution to make this better is to live together. However, you’ve been together a year and I don’t know how ready you both are for that.
I suggest you stop initiating. Pull back a notch. If he isn’t bothered with the sudden silence from you then he has his priorities elsewhere and things between you weren’t going to improve anyway.May 21, 2023 at 2:39 pm #941512
I agree with the advice so far, except that the answer to improve things is living together. That doesn’t make things better if they are already rocky to begin with and you’re not already both on the same page. What this sounds like it’s really about is it’s been a year and things are not progressing at a speed you’re comfortable with, and you’re attempting to gauge the relationship using texts as an indicator and for validation. Texts are not good for this, especially after a year of dating. The relationship should be about escalating in-person connection over time, and these conversations should be over the phone or in person and not so difficult as it sounds like he’s making them. You’re communicating your wants (he’s already introduced you to his kids, so there’s nothing unreasonable about you telling him you want to get to know them better after a year), and he’s neither taking your wants seriously afterwards nor increasing how he’s integrating you into his life. That should be enough to give you pause and reconsider what you want because that doesn’t sound like serious relationship behavior from him, which is why you should pull back. He can say whatever he wants, like verbally dangling this carrot of you can get a house together eventually, but if his actions don’t match then things aren’t really going anywhere. He’s either got to step up, or not (if he doesn’t, then you don’t want the same things out of a relationship and aren’t compatible), but the underlying problem isn’t actually the texting mismatch.May 21, 2023 at 3:32 pm #941513
Well, I’m moving in with my girl friends in the next coming weeks. We talked about getting his queen bed to my new room and then getting a king for his house that will eventually be ours. I texted him this morning about calling me later so we can talk about the bed situation. He read it. It hasn’t written me back. I need to know if I should just buy my own bed. Also, he told me, that even though I am moving like 3 minutes drive away, he won’t be coming over because my roommates have cats and watch sports. I told one of them that, and she was offended. She said why are you with him? He was awol all day yesterday. No calls or love yous. I posted a bunch of pics for our anniversary on ig and made him a collaborator so he could post it too. I said “love you” and some other cute things. I saw he immediately saw it, didn’t like it or post it and said he took a nap for a few hours. Then last night didn’t check in with me or say good night or try to call. I feel like I’m not a priority.May 21, 2023 at 3:37 pm #941514
He’s not asking about my day or how I am. I think he thinks I’m too much of a sure thing. He has the kids until Thursday and is going to a resort town for work a day earlier than I would normally see him. I asked if he wanted me to meet him up there he said I would have to drive separate and he is likely staying until Tuesday. That’s our week together Fri-Fri morning. And he is choosing to spend Thurs-Tues (over Memorial Day that I have off) possibly not even spending it with me. Then we would just have 2 nights together.May 21, 2023 at 5:04 pm #941515
There should be no more power play dynamics after a year. It shouldn’t matter if you’re a “sure thing” after a year, what’s the point of being in a committed relationship at an old enough age to parent teenagers if both of you aren’t a sure thing to each other?? So that, again, is not the problem. People who are serious about each other are committed to a relationship by then, and are mutually thinking about and hopefully discussing and following through on if more milestones are in the future (whether that’s cohabitation, engagement, marriage, or just being unlabeled life partners, whatever works for the two of you is fine as long as you’re both on the same page).
You have lots of evidence and other people telling you he may not be taking things seriously enough for the amount of time you’ve been dating, including your roommates. So why are you doubting yourself and letting him call the shots while not prioritizing yourself? It sounds like there’s a reason you don’t feel like a priority, and it isn’t because you’re expecting too much. Trust your gut. Don’t prioritize him over you if he’s not reciprocating the same.May 21, 2023 at 6:47 pm #941516
Buy your own bed!May 21, 2023 at 7:02 pm #941518
I agree with Maddie that this is not about him texting or not texting. It seems you are feeling like he is not invested. I would not initiate with him- I would let him take the lead but also look to see if he improves on the areas you are concerned about- communication and integration. If he doesn’t move closer to meeting your needs- he’s not a good match for you right now.May 22, 2023 at 7:34 am #941521
how far do you live from each other ? I am sorry to say but it seems like he is no longer interested, he is just waiting on you to get a hint. I have been there and he is literally pushing you away. My bf is not a big texter but he still texts everyday and yes there are days when he disappears for 2-3 hours but nothing like your bf is doing.
Question is why are you with him? what is so special about him? I know it hurts knowing that if you stop initiating , you might never hear from him again.
Also about the kids, please don’t believe when men say they are so busy with kids they can’t text, because trust me , people find time for who they want. You can’t compete with his kids, but again you shouldn’t feel the need to , because you’d be equally involved in his life.
Why do you feel the need to send him love you texts everyday?May 22, 2023 at 12:46 pm #941522
Based on your update Sarah you need to end things with this guy. He treats you like you’re no one. Always keeping you to fend for yourself. This is not love not even friendship. You’ve been the one keeping this a “relationship” for that long.
You seem like a kind person who likes romance and this guy gives you zero of that. He’s kids are teenagers. How much attention do you think they need in a day. Most teenagers likes to have some time alone, on their phone or in their room and what not. It’s all an excuse. The nap also is an excuse. He’s probably seeing someone else too.May 22, 2023 at 1:22 pm #941523
Actions speak louder than words.
You see him once every couple of weeks and he’s not actually taking any steps to increase that in time or effort. That sounds pretty casual in reality, regardless of what he said. He keeps putting up roadblocks: you moving closer, but him saying he won’t come over; him switching up his plans for the holiday weekend to NOT spend time with you; doesn’t text because of the teens; doesn’t make any effort to have you spend time with the teens… etc.
Just curious…Are you a lot younger than him? This sounds like you’ve made your whole life focused on him. Also, it gets really tough to maintain a relationship when all the focus is on how one partner keeps letting the other partner down.
Stop waiting for him, start making your own decisions — get your own bed, do your own thing, back off and just let him be to figure things out for himself. And reclaim your own goals/hobbies and how you spend your time. Become interesting to yourself again. :)May 22, 2023 at 2:32 pm #941526
p.s. KNOW YOUR WORTHMay 23, 2023 at 3:20 am #941527
So far all your posts suggest that its only you who’s taking all the efforts to keep this relationship going. He doesn’t seem much invested in this relationship with you. I think he’s already on his way out or taking you for granted.
To be sure of his intentions, I think instead of confrontation or ultimatums, you should stop initiating contact and stop making plans for meetings. Besides you guys just meet twice a month and that also because you are the one who makes plans. Pls step back and let him make plans for meetings. Also stop initiating chats with him and let him initiate chats as well.
I think if you that you will know for sure just where you stand and where this relationship is heading. all the best.May 23, 2023 at 1:16 pm #941530
Well he usually texts me at 6:45 with a good morning. He just texted at 10 after I said “you usually text me in the morning.” He said “good morning. It’s been a busy one”.
It takes 5 seconds to text someone to make them feel like a priority. And to not say anything nice or apologize..May 23, 2023 at 1:33 pm #941531
Oh my! If you think communicating like that is going to get a good outcome, you are mistaken. Here are your options:
A. Have a real conversation and tell him you are feeling disconnected wheb you see certain types of behavior and want to explore where he is at. This is the secure adult thing to do. Then decide if this is something you want.
B. Pull back and just let him lead. Not a fully secure adult thing to do, but again you will see from him actions if he comes towards you energetically.
But under no circumstances keep doing passive aggressive crap like you usually text me. Nothing good will come from that other than resistance.
And start working on keeping your own emotions safe with being ok no matter what.May 23, 2023 at 1:37 pm #941532
You have some work to do on how you communicate to influence getting good outcomes. No important things by email, no you this and you that.
The answer is not to change him. It is to say… this is what I want, do you want it too? Then observe if he is making it happen or not. If not, then find someone who will, not get wine from a stone.May 23, 2023 at 5:12 pm #941534
I love that phrase, wine from a stone. How true, so true. :)May 24, 2023 at 12:45 am #941537
I think tall spicey is correct. And your still initiating not just chats, meetings but now even morning greetings… Smh. This is all going so wrong! If you keep doing what u did, its def not going to improve things for you. All that you say is fine. But thing is hes not doing any of the things that make will make you feel loved! So now what?? Keep nudging him to do what you want him to do ?? Keep a tab on things he shld do toake you feel loved and in case he dsnt send a sarcy text?
Dont you see how your limiting further your chance at making this relatnship a success? Its obvious hes into lot of other things which occupy his time and mind. And your just one of those many things.
As i said either step way back and let him steer and propel this relationship ahead. Can you do that? Or have a heart to heart with him and tell him how you feel widout crying or accusing?May 24, 2023 at 8:04 pm #941551
So yesterday I told him I got his birthday off and the day after it. He had told me that he usually spends it with his kids but could see me with them this year. Well, he never responded and was on ig all night. I thought he’d say cool and apologize for ignoring me all morning. Nothing. I wrote around 3:30 Call me tonight. I noticed he was on ig a lot when I was. No reach out or ok. At 8:20 he said he had been running around all day and would call me soon. I didn’t say anything. I turned off my phone and went to bed at 9:00. He called around 9:10 and left a normal message and said good night love you. Today I have him basically silenced. I’m trying not to reach out. He said “good morning 😘” about an hour later I said “good morning :)” then a few hrs later he texted 😘 I didn’t respond. A couple hours later he wrote to say our mattress had arrived and I said “oh cool” a while after he texted. I sent him a fedex link showing sheets were on the way and he said what’s that? I told him sheets. He wrote ahhh around 1230. I posted a pic of me on ig later and he liked it. He has yet to firm up plans for the weekend and I don’t intend to do so. Next week is our week together. He had said Friday but we haven’t really talked. He changed his plans. He said he’s going up to the resort town Sunday and I said am I coming with? He said yes. I don’t know if he’s still planning to stay up there on our one week on/off arrangement camping “alone” part of the week. I don’t intend to ask. He has been off and on ig all day but that was the extent of texting—about the bed. Nothing about the weekend. Nothing about anything else. My friends all think I should leave him and all his happy hours for just his office are bs and him not apologizing for not texting me is bs. They even recommended ghosting him because I’m obviously not a priority. Tomorrow is his son’s graduation from middle school. His ex wife is bringing her fiancé. He didn’t ask me to come. He had a dresser put in his closet for me by his son a couple weeks ago. I asked if he told his son it was mine. He said no. I feel like he wants a casual gf and me taking his birthday off will blow his cover. Which is why he didn’t mention it or say he was happy about it. I refused his call after 9:00 because I was tired and didn’t want to be angry. Today he sort of reached out, but I’m just kind of waiting to see his actions and not pursuing. My friends thing he is a liar.May 24, 2023 at 10:45 pm #941553
Honestly, the way you are interacting is not making me confident that you are not a big part of this system of problems. You are communicating like you are an 8th grade mean girl and not a full fledged adult. You ignore his texts, you are stalking him on IG, you ask him passive aggressive questions.
I think you putting all this on him is a mistake and potentially you are both poor communicators.May 24, 2023 at 10:47 pm #941554
And your friends are not helping. They are winding you up.