Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › FWB turned feelings turned confusion.
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Mary
I am recently divorced almost a year ago. Ive been spending time with someone for 4 months that initially started as a D/s (BDSM) relationship. Feelings were not supposed to get involved and I pursued this relationship for the sex. Now him and I believe both have feelings, to the point where he doesn’t want to lose me. From the beginning I knew he slept with his best friend (which has been happening monthly for about 6 years). It started hurting me when it happened and because he didn’t want to lose me he said he’d be willing to cut off the sexual part of their relationship. We had a big conversation yesterday about where this was going and about how he has things he needs to work on, but he is willing to try for me. He always said he kept partners to this BDSM lifestyle because he is not yet in a place to offer someone what they need and considers me to be “out of his league”. Anyways – I have caught feelings, but there are things I am not sure about. Currently he does not have a job, does not drive (both things that he is trying to work on and wants to have in place). He also smokes a lot of weed which somewhat bothers me, but not really. When I got divorced I told myself I would not settle for someone and they had to be absolutely perfect for me to commit to another relationship. I feel he is perfect for me in so many ways, sexually, emotionally, intellectually. I’ve never felt more myself around someone, more validated and reassured. But there are things that worry me about what people will think. Because of this, today I told him not to stop sleeping with his friend because unless I am 100% sure on where i want this to go, I dont want his lifestyle to change. He respected that and appreciated that but now I can tell he feels hurt because he said “I already knew i wasn’t good enough for you. It just hurts hearing it.” We plan on keeping to our arrangement which is D/s. I am technically allowed to date, but I don’t even know if I should when I have these feelings for him. I don’t want to hurt him. Also we had rules not to do sleepovers and “datey” things, but we do all of those things.. not sure if I should pull back on that either until I get more clarity. I don’t want to jump into a decision or place expectations when I’m not sure.
Is money, job, upbringing, mental health, etc. Deal breakers? Can those things be overlooked?RavenYou ask, ‘Is money, job, upbringing, mental health, etc. Deal breakers? Can those things be overlooked?’
Is money, job, upbringing, mental health, etc. Deal breakers? YES!
Can those things be overlooked? NO!
Seriously @Mary, why would you over look these huge issues?MaddieSounds like someone you’re enjoying intimate physical chemistry with has opened up something in YOU that you were disconnected from. Now you think the arrangement with him is what’s making you feel most like yourself, but what’s actually making you feel that way is — yourself! It sounds like you’re on a journey of self-discovery after your divorce. You don’t need to settle, by bending yourself in a pretzel to try to make things work with someone who isn’t compatible with you aside from sexually. It’s okay that you generally enjoy his company because there’s no strings or stressed attached, but that an actual relationship won’t go anywhere (not only do you rightfully have all these dealbreaker concerns, but he even said he can’t give anyone the relationship they deserve right now because of his own issues!). Keep working on yourself, and as much as it hurts, you may want to start distancing yourself from him before you both get hurt more. There’s that cliche that people always come into your life for a reason though only for a season, and I think that’s what you’ve found here. You’ve still got a lot to experience on your own after your divorce to help you figure out who you are and what you want. If he gets his life together sometime in the future and suddenly the dealbreakers have been resolved, he’ll let you know.
MaryThis is a classic example of lack of self awareness and love. So sad what can happen to us women.
MaryYou are in a relationship with an insecure, damaged person. Wake up, Mary!
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