This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by tammy 1 month, 1 week ago.
June 19, 2021 at 10:56 am #884876
So I have had this FWB for over 5 years now. I’ve gone from relationship to relationship while he just screw around. But he always wants me back. The last time I was single after leaving someone, he and I got back together. He planned a trip here and there but ultimately I met someone else. Usually the problem w us is he’s not open emotionally. He’s avoidant and I’m anxious. So I recently got out of an engagement, of 2 years. Of course he and I spoke most of the time throughout. Long story short, 2 weeks after I break up he and I are at a hotel room.
We both admit the sex is absolutely amazing. But I need more. Anyway I know that during my engagement he was w someone from tinder. But he would hit me up every single day. Wanting to talk everyday. He’d see her every 2 weeks or so. I thought it was casual.
Now that I’m free he and I hooked up and he told me I’d have to share him. I told him if I agree to that then when I start dating he’s gonna have to fall back. Because I don’t double dip . I won’t have sex w two men. He told me no he won’t let me go and that we might as well stop now. Might I add he’s been very distant now. I spoke to him and expressed my concerns how he’d rather stop w me than see me in another relationship. He says I should heal and give myself time and I agree. But the idea of sharing him bothers me.
How do I approach the conversation again with him? I asked him if he’s in a relationships. He didn’t answer me. I asked if she thinks it’s a relationship. Or exclusivity. He said she may think so yes. I told him I won’t be a side chick and I won’t help you cheat on her. I feel terrible. He said to let him worry about timing. I’m angry cuz he won’t speak over the phone. It’s all down through text. I reminded him this is why I’ve walked away so many times and never let us happen (as he says) Because once he gets me he’s distant and stupid.
I’m confused. What should I do? My friends are saying give him time. How much time??? And Yeha I can’t be in a relationship but jumping in w him feels like home.
Oh he told me sex w me felt like home. And I don’t want that comment to sway my emotions. This is so hard.June 19, 2021 at 11:14 am #884884
Run away. Run away! He feels like home because you both trigger each other’s childhood issues. That’s why the anxious-avoidant trap has such a strong pull. All the familiarity of home, plus all the unchanging dysfunction. More time won’t change anything, after 5 years, this is what he’s capable of giving you and what your relationship dynamic is. It’s already established, the pattern isn’t changing because he doesn’t want it to. He doesn’t want real commitment with anyone, which is on him and his deep issues, not on you. Your friends mean well advising you to give him time, but are they anxious too? Because, if so, it’s better to take that advice with a grain of salt.
The advice from someone who knows a lot about the trap isn’t to give it more time, it’s: you deserve WAY more, way more respect, way more commitment, you just need to believe that too.
Cut him off TOTALLY, and give yourself time to deal with your broken engagement. Breakups of engagement or divorces are traumatic, and he can’t distract you from those bad feelings forever. If you have an anxious style, you’ll get stuck on processing your emotions and a therapist can really help. But stay away from this FWB if you ever want more, and if you ever want to be emotionally available for anyone else who can also be available for you. This FWB is NOT it. You’ve already given him 5 years and gotten nothing for it but being asked to share. NEXT, it’s time to let go of this creepy dude.June 19, 2021 at 11:40 am #884891
You have to finally realize, he doesnt want you he just wants the sexJune 19, 2021 at 1:16 pm #884906
Move on,dismiss him, he’s doesn’t want to share you but wants you to share him, selfish much?
Look, he’s not your boyfriend but more like a f*ck buddy and he can’t give you more since he already has someone. He wants to eat his cake and have it too, nope.
Listen,if you want exclusivity you’re better off getting a real boyfriend. You don’t double dip, he does and you can’t change that.
Since he got cold and distant after you refused to give in to his demands, just cut him loose.
He’s not worth stressing yourself over and he’s already given you an out by going silent on you. Blessing in disguise.June 19, 2021 at 1:43 pm #884916
He’s not your boyfriend… He will never be your boyfriend.
Why would you want to prioritize someone who only sees you as a side piece.June 20, 2021 at 7:48 am #885171
Look, I am like that so I feel him when he says he doesn’t want relationship. Most of the time the person can be great but you are just aren’t in the right place for that so believe him when he says he doesn’t want more but casual. However, I never draw the line on my sex buddies, if they want to date or get into a relationship or have multiple partners I don’t mind because that’s the arrangement and someone’s freedom and free will is more important than my ego. He sounds like a bad deal, wanting the benefits but no commitment. If it’s non committal, you should be free to date and have sex with other guys till you meet someone who is available and can give you what you need. This guy isn’t so you can either get stuck with him for an instant gratification and be miserable or you cut him off and have faith and patience that you’ll meet someone great who you’ll be emotionally available and ready to take it to the next level. No matter how amazing sex is with him, he’s stringing you along without any remorse. Don’t let him do that, this isn’t what you want. He’s putting himself first so it’s only fair you do the same. But don’t do it to manipulate him into something more, just cut him off and never look back. He’s absolute garbage for even demanding such a thing from you. He doesn’t get to do that, don’t be this woman for him. Five years is enough, you are wasting your time. It will never turn into something more, please just see things for what they really are and stop having hopes he’ll turn around. No need to talk about it, just end it and delete him from your contacts. Time to move on love.June 20, 2021 at 12:46 pm #885265
I don’t understand why you’re so confused? You know he sleeps around, and a commitment phobe, so you have two choices: 1) Continue to engage in sex with him; or 2) Disengage, and keep it ‘friends only’.
If you can’t handle it, then don’t do it. Simple as that.June 22, 2021 at 9:35 am #886141
So I’ve cut him off. I initially tried to have the conversation with him about how I feel, and what his intentions are. i told him I don’t expect him to leave her. I asked forgiveness for leaving what we were starting 2 years ago, to pursue someone else. He had a trip planned and we were watching to see where we went and I lost patience. I left to be w a man who was later a textbook narcissist. So when I broke the engagement to that man, I thought FWB and I would pick up. He never told me how far along he was w new girl. Now that he told me, i explained how I feel.
He never called. He only responded to texts. So I cut him off. I said he isn’t taking my concerns seriously. That he is sidestepping the topic but simply asking for another night. Saying he wants more of me. I told him no, and until he can have the conversation I won’t be available. That he can’t keep me from finding someone. I don’t belong to him. He said “noone is trying to convince you, bye”
I said bye and blocked him.
Thank you for your help ladies. NOw the healing from him begins too. What a mess I’m in.June 23, 2021 at 8:14 am #886543
nope. what a mess you were in. and what a mess u finally left far behind. i think even if he tries connecting with you in future you shouldnt entertain him.