Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › FWB keeps rescheduling. Should I find someone else?
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Tammy.
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Sonia
Hello all, need your advice. I’m 47, met a 42 year old online. We agreed to a FWB arrangement. We met online close to two months ago. We met once for coffee to see if there was chemistry and we have had sex once. In those two months he postponed once because he had minor surgery, then because his daughter was sick, then because he came back from a trip and was too tired, just yesterday because he got into a traffic accident (he is just sore no major injuries) the one time we did meet was between the surgery and his daughter being sick.
We usually text everyday , we take turns. It’s very causal and most of the time it’s sexual. Or just a casual “how’s your day going” that’s it.
I’ve been in FWB arrangements before and I’ve never had anyone postpone on me so many times. I mean all of his reasons sound legitimate, of course I can’t verify. He never cancels he just keeps postponing and setting up new dates and he continues reaching out.
I’m honestly starting to get annoyed but I don’t want to be a jerk if all of his reasons a legitimate. However, I want to be able to meet up more than once every couple of months for sex. I sometimes wonder if he might be married or in a relationship and that’s why he keeps postponing. Of course he said he isn’t but I don’t know what else to think. Should I give this guy the benefit of the doubt or should I be done and move on to someone else?
Sonia
Also, I forgot to mention I have a feeling he will postpone again on me tomorrow. I haven’t heard from him today. Which. I normally would. He was the one who suggested we meet tomorrow. I asked him if he was sure he would be okay by tomorrow. He said absolutely and that he felt bad for canceling on me yesterday short notice but he was in the accident and didn’t have service in the hospital so he couldn’t reach out till almost three hours before we were supposed to meet.
Liz Lemon
This situation isn’t meeting your needs and it’s not being a jerk to acknowledge that. I don’t know what this guy’s problem is– maybe he’s married. Maybe he has issues around FWB. Maybe his excuses are legit. It doesn’t matter ultimately because he’s not giving you what you need.
The point of a FWB is to meet and have sex, not text endlessly. I think it make sense to end it with him and find someone else– he’s unreliable and unpredictable, and by your own admission you’re annoyed with him. A FWB is supposed to be enjoyable and fun.
Anon
I would think there are too many excuses and let him go. If he can’t even make yourself available for a guaranteed FWB situation, what do you even have? I’m thinking he’s found someone else or possibly married like you said but likes to text because he’s bored or lonely.
Sonia
Hi Liz, thank you for replying, and thank you for giving me that push I needed. Ultimately you are right. I have a full life too. I have 2 kids and a full time job and school and I’m still making time to meet him and it is frustrating that he keeps hyping me up only to continuously postpone. I was more than patient and understanding. Time to move on. Curious to see what he will say tomorrow. Probably that he was more sore than he thought. Once he tells me that I’m going to tell him this isn’t working and that’s that.
Sonia
Hi Anon, yes him being in a relationship is very possible. Even though he is always talking about being honest and me letting him know if I meet anyone else, and he will do the same. But for someone who swears he isn’t having sex with anyone else and yet can’t make this work, something is definitely going on and I’m not going to stick around to find out. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because we clicked and he is easy to talk to and I really did feel bad ending things with someone who was just in an accident. I didn’t want to be that person.
Raven
It’s not like you’re in a relationship with this guy…
Sonia
Hi Raven, I’m not.
tammy
i am sure he is in a committed relationship or married otherwise this dsn’t make any sense. one time in 2 months and many cancellations. its not like your in a relationship and being very demanding. start meeting other men and find a replacement.
Sonia
Hi Tammy, yes it’s disappointing but I will look for someone else. He got off the dating site shortly after we met. He said it was because he only sleeps with one person at a time. I’m thinking now it’s probably because he is in a relationship and doesn’t want to risk being found out.
Stacey
Id be interested to know the outcome of this and how you go about talking to them about it? As its not a relationship, do you literally just start to ignore them?
Liz Lemon
My opinion- it’s not a romantic relationship, but it’s still a friendship (the F part of FWB). I think common courtesy would be to just inform him that this isn’t working, he seems to not have the time for a FWB, and your needs aren’t being met so you’ll have to end the situation and move on. It’s not hard to say, and it doesn’t have to be a long conversation. But it’s rude to just ignore people IMO.
Sonia
***UPDATE***
Hello all. Thank you for all of your replies. They were definitely helpful. After the whole incident with the car accident he was very apologetic. Insisted on meeting on Wednesday. I decided to meet up with him. I figured if he was in an accident his car would have damage. Sure enough it did. It was not severe but it was there. I mean there is always the chance the damage was from a different day but who knows. I know it wasn’t there the last time we met.
Anyhow we spent the evening together. He asked me if I had heard from some guy I told him I had been talking to before hooking up with him who did want a relationship. (That didn’t go anywhere). I told him no.
He told me a few personal things that he had not done before. He said I was beautiful, smart, funny, and so easy to be with, that I might just win him over. He also said that he might win me over.
I’ve told him more than once that since he doesn’t want a relationship the day I find someone who does I will stop seeing him.
He asked me what I wanted in a relationship and he said “you don’t really want to go out with me because I told you I don’t want anything serious” I told him honestly yes. He then said I guess our story has been written then.
Before we left I had told him my birthday is at the end of this month and he asked if he could take me out for my birthday. I wasn’t to sure I should say yes but he told me, “we are friends are we not. Don’t friends hang out. Let me know if you don’t have plans for your birthday and I can take you out”
He also wanted to go out to grab a bite that day we met because I told him I was starving and he said we should go eat. I declined because I sometimes feel that he wants all the perks of having a gf without the actual commitment.
I don’t know how to proceed from here.
Tammy
So your bday is at the end of april? Thats like almost 4 weeks Way!! He knows you want to be with someone who also wants a relatnship. And he doesnt. U have made it very clear and put the cards on table. Not sure if there is anythng else you can do. He dsnt seem to be stepping up. Nor is he turning out to be a gud fwb. I thnk you need to shift ur focus frm this man cause your wasting ur time.
Maddie
Can you go back to being just friends and not want more from him? Specifically, he would not distract you from being open and emotionally available for connecting with new dates? If you cannot do that but want to be just friends with very hard boundaries on that (no hooking up!), then I’d take a long break from seeing him until you’re fully over it. As things are now, he will waste your time as much as you’ll allow. It was nice of him to offer to take you out on your birthday, but I think he’s trying to keep you available for occasional physical intimacy. Best to skip the invite this time around and work out if you even want to be friends with him after you take an extended contact break to reset your situation with him.
Maddie
I re-read your post, and you weren’t friends prior to meeting online and it sounds like you’ve only met in person a few times… so trying to be friends in the future is up to you, but I think he’ll continue to be difficult to be even just friends with and not worth the effort.
Sonia
Hi Tammy, I’m sorry, I failed to mention. I went to Vegas for the weekend (girls trip). He knew about it, He texted me the morning I left (on Friday) told me to have a good trip. He said he couldn’t wait to see me again and that when I got back we could figure out when we were both available. When we met on Wednesday he told me the same thing. He said on Monday which is today we will talk about meeting up this week. I know it makes no difference in the overall issue as this meet is just for sex. I am talking/texting with a couple of other men but I have not gone out with them yet. I was ready to end things with him until he told me those things on Wednesday about winning him over and him winning me over. He also shared with me that during the pandemic he became depressed and is currently talking to a therapist and on medication. He said he feels much better now but wanted me to know. Now I wonder if that’s the reason why he said he wanted something casual.
Sonia
Hi Maddie, no we were not friends. We met online and it was his suggestion that we contact each other for more than scheduling a hook up. He said we could hang out occasionally and we could reach out here and there just to say hello. We do reach out throughout the week equally. We just haven’t gone out because I don’t want to. Ultimately you are right, he will be wasting my time and when he is fine and ready he will move on to someone he does want a relationship with and there’s nothing I can say or do because he was up front about what he wanted. I need to put some distance in between us. I guess I’m reading too much into what he told me on Wednesday.
Liz Lemon
You’ve met this guy 3 times in person, right? Surely you have friends/family you can spend your birthday with, not a guy who’s basically a stranger?
I agree with Maddie’s comment that this guy will waste your time as much as you allow. He’s already starting to get into your head with his comments about winning each other over. “I sometimes feel that he wants all the perks of having a gf without the actual commitment.” That says it all. I think the advice to step away is a good idea if you truly want a relationship and he does not. The “winning over” comment seems a bit manipulative to me, and an attempt to keep you on the hook (and available for occasional intimacy, like Maddie also said). If he doesn’t want what you want, it’s a waste of your time to get sucked into a situation with this guy.
Sonia
Hi Liz, yes I have family and friends that I have plans to spend my birthday with. He was the one who asked if he could take me out for my birthday, and asked me to think about it. I have not given him an answer. Ultimately I know all of you ladies are right. I will end this before I get more emotionally involved. I haven’t heard from him today so I just need to figure out exactly what to say to him when he does reach out.
Tammy
Yes i agree with liz, sonia. The thngs he said sound smwhat manipulative to me as well. Its like he knows you want a relatnship so hes throwing tiny baits. Pls dont fall in this trap. Stick to ur plan. If you thnk you can meet this man casually widout gettin emotional then do meet. Till you find a great guy. But if meeting this man more may cause you to get emotional, then pls just avoid him totally.
Sonia
Hi Tammy, I have realized I can not continue meeting him casually. I’m starting to think he doesn’t want a relationship because of his depression/anxiety issues. I feel something happened over the weekend because he was super excited about setting up a meet once I got back from Vegas. I didn’t reach out to him on Saturday but I did yesterday when I was coming home. He answered a couple of hours later but was not his usual self. He was still friendly and joked a bit but it was a brief exchange via text. I figured it was mauve because his daughter was there. He did not mention meeting up this week and today he didn’t reach out at all. He had not done that since we met online.
He mentioned the day we met that he sometimes had panic attacks. I’m not sure if that’s what happened or if he is just busy or simp no longer interested. Either way this whole overthinking since yesterday has mentally and emotionally drained me. I realized that for whatever reason he doesn’t even have time for a FWB, or at least he doesn’t with me.
I will not contact him again. Once he resurfaces, if he does I will end this arrangement. It’s not healthy. Thank you for all of your advice.
Li Lemon
That’s a good plan. He’s starting to get to you and leave you drained. Not worth it for a FWB you’ve seen 3 times! Assuming he’s telling the truth about his anxiety, depression, panic attacks– he’s not in a healthy place mentally, so it isn’t surprising that he’s acting inconsistent (amd perhaps even manipulative). To be blunt, you don’t need him dragging you down– he’s a casual FWB you hardly ever see. Better to move on to someone else.
Sonia
Hi Li, yes it is the best decision. I knew this would be short lived. I just didn’t think it would be this short and that it would mess with me this way, in such a short amount of time. I’ve been in FWB before and I have never experienced something like this before. I think the combination of his depression and the things he told me that last time we met really did a number on me. I agree with you ladies, he will end up bringing me down.
Tammy
U got involvd wid him for fwb arrangment bec he wasnt up for a relatnship. Thing is he dsnt want a relatnship but neither is he proving to be a gud fwb. All that is happening is that your getting mind f**ked widout any real f***kin. This is soo not worth it. If you dont take a hard decision now its only going to drag u down further n deeper to nowhere land.
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