Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Fiance is distant after I decided not to change my last name
This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Ewa 2 weeks, 4 days ago.
My situation started three weeks ago:
My Fiance and I are getting married in November. Due to my connection with my last name, I decided to keep it after marriage. Based on comments my fiance made previously, I thought he would not care. I decided to change my last name in the future when I was ready. However, it turns out my fiance was not okay with me keeping my last name. He is angry and feels I decided without him. He feels that I am a horrible communicator and not a true partner. He claims he has never heard of the wife keeping her last name and feels I am not devoted to our relationship. He told me he needed a few days to decide if he wanted to marry me because his image of me had been shaken. I saw his point of view after he explained why he felt strongly about me taking his name. I said I would change my name at marriage, but he thinks I am just trying to appease him and believes I cannot be trusted, which is invalid. I would happily change my name at marriage.
After a few days, my fiance decided he still wanted to marry but wanted a prenup because he feared I had one foot out the door due to not changing my name. He is weary that I am marrying to experience a wedding. He was the one pushing for the big wedding and picking the date. I was scheduled to go dress shopping with my family, and I asked if I should cancel the appointment, but he told me to proceed.
We have premarital counseling scheduled for next week. Currently, he is cold and distant. He did not say anything to me after I received my master’s degree and did not attend my commencement. He said he does not want space and wants to keep talking but does not respond to my texts and barely talks on the phone. We are currently long distance, so I cannot see him face to face.
I am very frustrated because I was never allowed to grow from my mistake. I was so upset I cried every day, but after several weeks of having a distant fiance, I am now emotionally numb and do not want to reach out to him. I seek guidance on how to fix the enormous problem I created.
I say give the premarital counseling a chance. It will be an opportunity for you both to be heard in a way that is needed, and then decide what to do from there.
Your post makes it sounds like he’s catastrophizing, freaking out and is looking for ways to blow it up. You should not have to live/make choices just to appease your partner — he’s your PARTNER.
And by the way…He says your a “horrible communicator” but I’m not sure how not showing up or saying anything to support your major achievement of getting your master’s is being a great communicator, so maybe he’s just projecting his anxiety about the wedding or marriage or whatever it is on to you.
The last name thing was a major red herring, but if it helps, move your last name to your middle name, or hyphenate it. Keep your name if you want to, its also important to you not just him.
There seems to be a lot of issues here. But first I have several questions:
How long distance are the two of you?
Have you met in person, dated, etc.?
What was the reason for not attending your commencement? That’s a huge deal and congrats!
What is the plan after marriage for your living situation?
I think mama nailed a lot of things in her post but I think some clarity on the above questions could help us help you better.
Do. Not. Marry. This. Person.
You notice, I’m not referring to him as a man.
You did not create this situation.
If you marry this person, your life will be a series of passive-aggressive drama. Is that what you want?
This feels like if it is a relationship ending, than you will see this was for the best. He is clearly triggered and managing it poorly. But he did not celebrate your masters?
But I wonder. How much time have you actually spent together? How many conflicts and repairs?
Something feels off here.
I’m with Raven especially, and the other posters too. WOW, he flipped things on you from you would prefer to keep your last name to YOU have made a huge mistake and are a terrible communicator and cannot be trusted??? Over a discussion about your name????? There’s something else going on here and he’s looking for excuses. I’m glad you’re going to counseling together and I hope it helps, but YOU didn’t make any sort of big mistake. You tried to talk it out and problem-solve when it came out as an issue for him, and he invalidated you every step of the way. He’s showing you who he is, take note of that before further commitment, slow things down while you take time to see how premarital counseling works for you. From what you’ve written, which is all the information we have to go off of so far when giving advice, his response has been a much bigger red flag than you initially being more comfortable with not changing your name.
I didn’t change my last name for various reasons, mostly professional, and my husband couldn’t care less. He definitely didn’t disrespect me or accuse me of anything related to it. We discussed it after I mostly already decided and I told him my reasoning to see if that was good for him, too. Kids will have his last name. None of my decision reflects on how I feel about him or his last name in any way, I might still legally change mine later. But so far no one cares at all (it’s not the norm to not change it in this culture but it’s not a big deal either), and I don’t care socially what last name people use for me. And did you know some countries around the world don’t even traditionally do the woman last name change? Changing it is not a universal thing by any means, and your fiance sounds sheltered within his own beliefs.
BTW, I don’t fault your fiance for having strong opinions about it, some people just do feel that way, but the way he spoke to you about it and treated you after is completely inappropriate! That’s the real problem. Give this relationship a good think while NOT blaming yourself. Make sure your counselor is good and unbiased. Good luck.
marriage is a big thing for men and sometimes right before wedding they start to have doubts, some couples I know had to cancel their wedding because the guy decided to chicken out.
whether this is the case here I don’t know but he is clearly trying to find excuses to get out of it.