Fiance is distant after I decided not to change my last name

I say give the premarital counseling a chance. It will be an opportunity for you both to be heard in a way that is needed, and then decide what to do from there.

Your post makes it sounds like he’s catastrophizing, freaking out and is looking for ways to blow it up. You should not have to live/make choices just to appease your partner — he’s your PARTNER.

And by the way…He says your a “horrible communicator” but I’m not sure how not showing up or saying anything to support your major achievement of getting your master’s is being a great communicator, so maybe he’s just projecting his anxiety about the wedding or marriage or whatever it is on to you.

The last name thing was a major red herring, but if it helps, move your last name to your middle name, or hyphenate it. Keep your name if you want to, its also important to you not just him.

Do. Not. Marry. This. Person.

You notice, I’m not referring to him as a man.
You did not create this situation.

If you marry this person, your life will be a series of passive-aggressive drama. Is that what you want?

I’m with Raven especially, and the other posters too. WOW, he flipped things on you from you would prefer to keep your last name to YOU have made a huge mistake and are a terrible communicator and cannot be trusted??? Over a discussion about your name????? There’s something else going on here and he’s looking for excuses. I’m glad you’re going to counseling together and I hope it helps, but YOU didn’t make any sort of big mistake. You tried to talk it out and problem-solve when it came out as an issue for him, and he invalidated you every step of the way. He’s showing you who he is, take note of that before further commitment, slow things down while you take time to see how premarital counseling works for you. From what you’ve written, which is all the information we have to go off of so far when giving advice, his response has been a much bigger red flag than you initially being more comfortable with not changing your name.

I didn’t change my last name for various reasons, mostly professional, and my husband couldn’t care less. He definitely didn’t disrespect me or accuse me of anything related to it. We discussed it after I mostly already decided and I told him my reasoning to see if that was good for him, too. Kids will have his last name. None of my decision reflects on how I feel about him or his last name in any way, I might still legally change mine later. But so far no one cares at all (it’s not the norm to not change it in this culture but it’s not a big deal either), and I don’t care socially what last name people use for me. And did you know some countries around the world don’t even traditionally do the woman last name change? Changing it is not a universal thing by any means, and your fiance sounds sheltered within his own beliefs.

BTW, I don’t fault your fiance for having strong opinions about it, some people just do feel that way, but the way he spoke to you about it and treated you after is completely inappropriate! That’s the real problem. Give this relationship a good think while NOT blaming yourself. Make sure your counselor is good and unbiased. Good luck.