Every man has been leaving / ghosting

Hi Ashley I think you have a very common problem with today’s dating. There are so many outlets that it seems no one wants to tie down because they are always looking for the next best thing. I would say I was “dating” for about 3 years after my breakup until I found someone on a dating site (right when I was about to give up) and we dated for 3 years and that relationship ended last year. So here are my two cents…you say the guys you show no interest in stick around and the ones you do like don’t. Is there a change in your behavior with the guys you do like? Do you show way more interest or eagerness? My suggestion is to treat every guy you date as if this is not your ideal man until you have gone passed the dating and are officially BF/GF. Every man you date should be treated as an option meaning you can leave at any time because you don’t know him even if you are extremely attracted to them. I think the physical attraction is what takes you in first so you feel more attracted to some than others and it probably shows.
When I met my ex bf I was extremely attracted to him and I didn’t think anything would come of it (since I had given up), so I treated it like “it is what it is”…and before I knew it we were exclusive and in a committed relationship (he proposed 9 months later). So I would focus on what it is your saying/doing differently when it comes to the guys you like and the ones you don’t.

Have you looked at your emotional availability?

I think there is a lot to be said about the choices women make, as well as taking time to reflect and get to know yourself so you can assess your own emotional unavailability.

BUT – and I don’t mean to be the proclaimer of doom!

But dating apps being around for so long now, and a pandemic sprinkled right on top, has made dating a sh#t show! I ABSOLUTELY believe that most people DON’T get what they deserve in this life – we get what we get. I absolutely believe there are lovely, capable, sexy, charming, smart, emotionally available, self reflective, healthy, wonderful women who, for whatever reason, just have not found their ‘person’ yet. I also believe LOTS of people are in relationships that do not serve their best selves and don’t promote growth – therefore women who don’t ‘settle’ may experience being single more often, or longer.

Sure, it’s always good to take some time to assess who you’ve been choosing, what you’re looking for, taking dating breaks, explore in person opportunities to meet people, live your best life and yada and yada and guess what – with work and exercise and the pandemic stretching on – you STILL may not meet someone after years of trying.

There real is sage truth in just seeking happiness inwardly. Accepting that even though you accept what you cannot change, it doesn’t mean you won’t have days you’re sick to death of going solo, feel frustrated, lonely, the whole gambit. But there can and should be lots of moments of peace and gratitude. For today – I am with you! Dating and finding healthy long term commitment is very very hard right now. Maybe more difficult than any time in history. There’s lots we can do! And lots more we cannot! Except support one another.

Agree with Raven. I had similar problems for years in spite of being, on paper, an amazing catch. Turned out that I was only choosing avoidant and emotionally somewhat (or totally) unavailable men. This partially reflected on some availability stuff I needed to work through myself, though I didn’t realize it for so long since I figured I was in earnest looking for a relationship and happier when I was in one so therefore must be available. Once I worked on that, I started becoming more attracted to available men who wanted relationships rather than my long, long history of wanting guys who basically went “sure, will probably commit to a bf/gf label if we like each other past the first few dates, but am not really truly interested in dating anyone more seriously than that and let’s just keep seeing how it goes without talking about anything ever.” As soon as my outlook switched, which led to me naturally choosing partners differently, things went much better. But it took a while of introspection and reading up on healthy relationship dynamics for the switch to happen.

That’s also not to say it’s all on you. I also agree with T and Tallspicy that sometimes it is just bad luck, ESPECIALLY since we’re all in a crappy circumstance right now with the pandemic. Plus, there are plenty of men socialized to be quietly intimidated by successful / independent women or who aren’t ready for commitment (not all men by any means!, but they’re plenty common, especially on dating apps). So getting to know them and deciding if you enjoy each other’s company and they’re compatible over time is more important than trying to get the label. But when it’s a trend over years that the ones you want never choose you and vice-versa, if you really want to try something different, then your emotional availability and who you’re choosing is what’s within your control.