This topic contains 11 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by T from NY 6 days, 20 hours ago.
April 6, 2021 at 10:50 am #854467
I really need advice. I am at the end of my rope. I have been single the last 3 years after a serious relationship where we lived together and discussed getting engaged soon. It didn’t work out we were very different. Since then I have been dating without much luck! 3 years without actually dating anyone. I’ve “seen” guys for maybe a month but it never develop and for the most part I cannot seem to get passed the 3rd or 4th date with anyone I am really interested in. The ones I am not that into seem to want to stick around and I have to cut it off. But there’s no chemistry for me. I am confused because I feel I am a catch. I’m 33, take care of myself, have a career and am independent, live alone with my dog, am pretty, have my own friends and interests. It isn’t hard for me to find a date but hard to keep one. I recently was speaking to a man a year younger than me for a few weeks and we had our first date. He was already talking about fun summer plans we could do since we had so much in common. The first date happened and went very well I thought. But since then it’s been very limited communication abs he didn’t respond to my last text. I feel this happens every time I feel there could be a possibility and I need an so shocked and confused as to why? I must just have an awful personality or the worst luck ever.April 6, 2021 at 12:15 pm #854475
Maybe it has something to do with the guys you’re choosing? You said “The ones I am not that into seem to want to stick around and I have to cut it off. But there’s no chemistry for me.” Could you expand on that? What is it about those guys? You’re saying every single guy who wants to pursue something with you, you have no chemistry with?
You mention a guy you had one date with that you liked, who was already making summer plans with you after one date (before he disappeared). To me, that sounds like too much too soon. You shouldn’t be planning your summer with someone after one date. The first date is just barely getting to know someone. Do you expect there to be fireworks and future planning after one date? That’s not reasonable. In fact guys that start things really heavy usually burn out quickly.
Dating is hard, and I think it’s great you’re asking these questions. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. I’m sure you’re attractive, and interesting, and have your life together. I’m sure you don’t have an awful personality either! But it sounds like it could be an issue with the types of guys you’re attracted to. So I would look at that. Are you writing off guys who take things at a reasonable pace (slow and steady), and going after guys who move too fast?April 6, 2021 at 12:20 pm #854478
Hi Ashley I think you have a very common problem with today’s dating. There are so many outlets that it seems no one wants to tie down because they are always looking for the next best thing. I would say I was “dating” for about 3 years after my breakup until I found someone on a dating site (right when I was about to give up) and we dated for 3 years and that relationship ended last year. So here are my two cents…you say the guys you show no interest in stick around and the ones you do like don’t. Is there a change in your behavior with the guys you do like? Do you show way more interest or eagerness? My suggestion is to treat every guy you date as if this is not your ideal man until you have gone passed the dating and are officially BF/GF. Every man you date should be treated as an option meaning you can leave at any time because you don’t know him even if you are extremely attracted to them. I think the physical attraction is what takes you in first so you feel more attracted to some than others and it probably shows.
When I met my ex bf I was extremely attracted to him and I didn’t think anything would come of it (since I had given up), so I treated it like “it is what it is”…and before I knew it we were exclusive and in a committed relationship (he proposed 9 months later). So I would focus on what it is your saying/doing differently when it comes to the guys you like and the ones you don’t.April 6, 2021 at 12:34 pm #854484
You are having a very common experience. You are not alone. just keep your head high, your tiara on, and eventually, it will fit. Also, with Covid, people are acting extra strange, which puts a further twist to it.
But, I would also say, you need to be giving 0 f&cks until a man is your boyfriend. Taking any meaning away from this is a waste of time for men who are not even real. Some of it is that you need to be asking on that 3rd date what they are looking for from dating…. many only date for companionship.April 6, 2021 at 1:39 pm #854491
Have you looked at your emotional availability?April 6, 2021 at 3:31 pm #854510
T from NY
Mod can you help me with the reply posting please
Thank you!!April 6, 2021 at 3:32 pm #854511
T from NY
I think there is a lot to be said about the choices women make, as well as taking time to reflect and get to know yourself so you can assess your own emotional unavailability.
BUT – and I don’t mean to be the proclaimer of doom!
But dating apps being around for so long now, and a pandemic sprinkled right on top, has made dating a sh#t show! I ABSOLUTELY believe that most people DON’T get what they deserve in this life – we get what we get. I absolutely believe there are lovely, capable, sexy, charming, smart, emotionally available, self reflective, healthy, wonderful women who, for whatever reason, just have not found their ‘person’ yet. I also believe LOTS of people are in relationships that do not serve their best selves and don’t promote growth – therefore women who don’t ‘settle’ may experience being single more often, or longer.
Sure, it’s always good to take some time to assess who you’ve been choosing, what you’re looking for, taking dating breaks, explore in person opportunities to meet people, live your best life and yada and yada and guess what – with work and exercise and the pandemic stretching on – you STILL may not meet someone after years of trying.
There real is sage truth in just seeking happiness inwardly. Accepting that even though you accept what you cannot change, it doesn’t mean you won’t have days you’re sick to death of going solo, feel frustrated, lonely, the whole gambit. But there can and should be lots of moments of peace and gratitude. For today – I am with you! Dating and finding healthy long term commitment is very very hard right now. Maybe more difficult than any time in history. There’s lots we can do! And lots more we cannot! Except support one another.April 6, 2021 at 3:40 pm #854513
It is happening to me as well and I’ve been single for 5 years now . I find it that I am attracted to men who aren’t really looking for anything serious so I need to work on that and from your description I can see you might have the same problem.
Men are sometimes scared of women who do better than them , they think if she is so indepenent why would she need me for.
But like others said it is a very common problem these days and it is mostly down to the fact that men are looking for something betterApril 6, 2021 at 5:47 pm #854528
Agree with Raven. I had similar problems for years in spite of being, on paper, an amazing catch. Turned out that I was only choosing avoidant and emotionally somewhat (or totally) unavailable men. This partially reflected on some availability stuff I needed to work through myself, though I didn’t realize it for so long since I figured I was in earnest looking for a relationship and happier when I was in one so therefore must be available. Once I worked on that, I started becoming more attracted to available men who wanted relationships rather than my long, long history of wanting guys who basically went “sure, will probably commit to a bf/gf label if we like each other past the first few dates, but am not really truly interested in dating anyone more seriously than that and let’s just keep seeing how it goes without talking about anything ever.” As soon as my outlook switched, which led to me naturally choosing partners differently, things went much better. But it took a while of introspection and reading up on healthy relationship dynamics for the switch to happen.
That’s also not to say it’s all on you. I also agree with T and Tallspicy that sometimes it is just bad luck, ESPECIALLY since we’re all in a crappy circumstance right now with the pandemic. Plus, there are plenty of men socialized to be quietly intimidated by successful / independent women or who aren’t ready for commitment (not all men by any means!, but they’re plenty common, especially on dating apps). So getting to know them and deciding if you enjoy each other’s company and they’re compatible over time is more important than trying to get the label. But when it’s a trend over years that the ones you want never choose you and vice-versa, if you really want to try something different, then your emotional availability and who you’re choosing is what’s within your control.April 6, 2021 at 7:28 pm #854542
Honestly I think you can write the last 14 months or so off – the pandemic has made online dating almost impossible to be successful and there is a lot of texting etc before meeting which isn’t very helpful.
I was single for 2 years and lots of mini relationships that didn’t develop. Its only now that I’m out of it that I realise I was emotionally unavailable and dating lots of men who were too and those were always the men I liked. I actually met my boyfriend at a wedding just when I became single and had a few flings with him but didn’t take him as a serious option because he lived 3 hours away and no other reason really. I look back now and he was pursuing me but I kept brushing him off I know why now but at the time friends were like- you want a bf and like this guy, he is great but you don’t do anything. It wasn’t ever the right time as I was too busy dating a succession of EUM waste men. Then the pandemic happened. Online dating was too annoying so I stopped and before I knew it I was suddenly in a different place. I had time to work on me and figure out what I was doing wrong and what I wanted and then it all fell into place and I have a great boyfriend. I thought long distance wouldn’t work and there have been niggles but it actually works really well for me as I like my space. I have also realised I have a fearful avoidant attachment and I was pushing men that were decent away when they got too close and just wrote them off.
My point is, yes there is bad luck, you clearly don’t have anything “wrong” with you but are you actually where you think you are emotionally? Are you really available? Are you too intense with men you like? Do you chase them rather than letting them chase you? Are you looking for chemistry and fireworks rather than calmness? Does there have to be drama for you to be interested? Are you overlooking great guys because that crazy endorphin filled buzz isn’t there so you think they won’t be right for you? Look at your patterns and where you really are emotionally and you might find there is an issue you need to acknowledge.
Or,failing all that it might just be that online dating is a nightmare with no one wanting to commit in case better comes along and you are better dating in real life. I don’t think its coincidence that I met my boyfriend in real life. I took a long time to get to know him and see if our values lined up and we work almost effortlessly most of the time. OLD is the worst thing to have happened in dating. Its harsh and time consuming and soul destroying.
Fingers crossed you get some better luck but do look at yourself and who you are choosing to date as that might be the issue xApril 6, 2021 at 8:14 pm #854551
Hi T – sorry the filter ate your reply from earlier today! I saw you got it fixed up.April 6, 2021 at 9:54 pm #854562
T from NY
Thank you Keymaster!!