Ending of the not actual relationship


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This topic contains 19 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Maddie 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #856596 Reply

    Steph

    Hi all
    I’m sure this post will resonate with a few people but I had been dating someone for two months and recently he told me he doesn’t feel ready for a relationship. To be fair, he did have quite a lot going on in his life including school full time and he also lived an hour away. I asked him because I noticed he’d been getting more distant so I ended it. I’m slightly upset because on his Bumble profile he did put the option that he was looking for a relationship but I’m trying not to read too much into this. If someone could give me some tips to move on from this non-relationship that felt like a relationship that would be great.

    #856602 Reply

    Elvira

    Hi Steph it is unfortunate this happened. I understand 2 months is not a long time but I also understand when we start to develop feelings and hopes for the future when we meet someone and assume things are going well. If he is saying he is not ready for a relationship it can be just that. He probably realized it was too much on his plate and prefers to be single. Given you’re already facing a few obstacles (distance and school) I would take this as wrong timing. If it is meant to happen it may happen sometime in the future. I would simply take this like a grain of salt and focus on yourself for awhile. I had a relationship for a few months with a man and he told me he also was not ready at the moment. A few months later he came back and admitted he was just not in the right state of mind (despite meeting on app similar to yours where he stated he wanted a relationship). At that point I was already past him and I tried one more time but I had lost feelings so I broke it off. So if he is unsure of his feelings and is truly questioning his ability of a relationship at this moment. Then give him the space and do not contact him.

    #856606 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    This sucks, it’s a normal part of dating, but it’s still disappointing. This will sound harsh but please don’t take it that way– when he said he doesn’t feel ready for a relationship, he meant he doesn’t want a relationship WITH YOU. Again, don’t take it personally. You’re just not a match. He probably IS looking for a relationship, with the right woman. You’re not her. That’s OK! You can’t be a match for everyone you date. So please don’t be upset with him, it’s just the way dating works.

    You dated for a couple months and he most likely didn’t feel the spark/chemistry that’s necessary to continue. The thing about guys is, they will date and it will feel wonderful because can be very focused on you because they want to win you over. Then a few months into dating (2, 3, 4 months etc) they suddenly take stock of everything and ask themselves if they see a long-term future with this woman. If the answer is no, they end it. If you read this site, you’ll see a lot of posts from women who’ve been dating a guy for a few months and he suddenly withdraws, or ends things, or becomes distant & ghosts. It’s the way guys function in dating.

    Again, it totally sucks and I’m sorry. All you can really do is move on. If you need to take a short break from dating, do so. Focus on yourself and your friends, family, and interests. You’ll be over it soon I’m sure.

    #856607 Reply

    Ewa

    Hi Steph,

    you need to realise there is nothing you did or could have done to change his mind. I was in that situation too and the best response is to think that you two weren’t a good match. At least he was honest with instead of just disappearing on you.
    Most men on dating site will put they are looking for relationship , doesn’t mean they want relationship with every single girl they meet online.

    #856643 Reply

    T from NY

    You’ve been given really great advice on this thread. It’s not you. And if he was your ‘person’, and you were his, he wouldn’t be going anywhere. I am glad he had the guts and respect to tell you (even if it took you bringing it up.) I agree that possibly he didn’t feel enough of whatever he needed to for you to continue – but keep two things in mind about that –
    One. Dating is for getting to know one another. A couple of months is ample time for him to spend with you and figure out if he wanted to go further, so as much as we get excited about men it’s prudent to be open during the dating process and realize we may not end up in a relationship. Second. Men say what they think they want, hell women do too. But I have found that most people online dating may not really know, or be brave enough, or reflective enough, or have done their own personal work enough to REALLY be able to articulate or know what they really want or can handle.

    Thinking of you. Break offs hurt even if the relationship was fully developed. You’ll be fine soon – living and loving yourself up.

    #856667 Reply

    Steph

    Thanks for all the advice. It’s hard knowing he didn’t feel the same way as I did. Didn’t really seem to be that upset about things ending but I guess it doesn’t matter at this point. I’m just going to have to move on.

    #856669 Reply

    mama

    Be proud of yourself that you didn’t settle for something half-a**ed. :) It does sting, for sure, and we’ve all been there. But you did what was best for you. That takes courage and self respect. It also makes you open to finding the right guy for you, once your heart has healed a bit.

    #856683 Reply

    Zoe

    If he has a profile set up that he is looking for a relationship then he realized that he doesn’t want it with you and will be searching for one with someone else. Cut your loses

    #856703 Reply

    Maddie

    Saying you want a relationship and actually being ready to commit to one are two different things. I wouldn’t pay any attention to his Bumble profile because (as T said above) lots of people put what they think about themselves and what they’re looking for aspirationally, whether or not they can follow through. You tried to see things through with him already and know it’s not a good match for you. Whether it’s because he’s not actually ready to put in the effort, he wants someone who lives closer because it’s easier, or another reason, it’s always doing you a favor when someone lets you go early (and tells you so instead of disappearing). Even if it doesn’t feel like it for a while afterwards. You deserve someone as committed as you are to them. Be kind to yourself, take time to mourn, and when you’re ready you are now free to meet someone who is a better match for you and who will want to consistently show up for you, someone who doesn’t make you wonder or doubt them. You’ll make it through this :)

    #856716 Reply

    Karen

    Oh I hear you. With him for 4 months, I started off seeing where things go and he wanted something serious, 3 months mark I casually asked if it’s going somewhere, he panicked though a week later he told me he thinks so then few weeks later, he said he’s not ready for a relationship. We carried on seeing each other for a week then I texted him and said this isn’t what I want.

    We agreed to stay friends but even texting is hard and now I just want to move on.

    #856897 Reply

    Steph

    I’m doing much better today. A little sad but I do feel some relief as well. I’m missing the connection and feel like I lost a friend but he was definitely acting withdrawn the last couple weeks. I’m trying not to rehash past history because it doesn’t matter at this point but part of me would be hurt if I found out he was dating someone else.

    #858675 Reply

    Elle

    Steph, I just didn’t want you to be last to post on here if you’re still hurting, so know you’re not alone and we are here. Def great advice on this thread. here’s awesome advice i got years ago that have long since internalized but was hard at first, and that i remind myself as a refresher from time to time- the insecure girl wonders if a guy is into her, but the confident girl wonders how SHE feels about HIM. put yourself in the driver’s seat going forward. you can do this. gl!

    #859026 Reply

    Lane

    This is the biggest risk in dating. Most aren’t going to pan out like you hope or envision it will but there is usually a valid reason that you can’t always see ‘in the moment’ but trust me, when your mind is cleared of the infatuation fog, you will be thankful that you dodged a lot of these bullets along the way.

    Relationships are not easy. They take a lot of work, effort, time, and money—its a major investment, and needs to be treated as such. Getting into a relationship with a guy who isn’t “all in” is a recipe for real heartache the longer you stretch it out. Its best to just accept that you weren’t the right match. The reason doesn’t really matter because the guy you are meant to be with, the one who will be *all in* is still out there waiting to meet you. Trust me, when you finally meet him, you will look back, and be soooo thankful you didn’t waste too much time on them :o)

    #860365 Reply

    Steph

    Thank you all for your awesome advice. I tend to hold onto things longer than most people which is why it takes me awhile to get over things. Objectively, I know it probably wouldn’t have worked out long term and that he and I probably weren’t super compatible but my heart hasn’t quite caught up to that yet. I’m very frustrated that I can’t get him out of my head when I feel like he probably hasn’t given me a second thought at all since things ended. I have blocked him on social media and haven’t “stalked” him online so I know I’m doing what I’m supposed to. I’m just trying to separate the idea of him and what could have been to the reality of not seeing him again.

    #860375 Reply

    Ewa

    Steph
    You don’t really know the reason why he wasn’t feeling it but the best way to look at it is that you were too good to him and he couldn’t handle your awesomeness 😃
    It is hard and we’ve all been there but with time it will get better 🙂
    Let go of thinking about his potential

    #863940 Reply

    Steph

    I have a feeling he started seeing someone else and I just wish he was honest with me if that’s the case. I hate when guys can’t do something so simple as to let me know when they’re not interested. And now I’m here trying to mend my broken heart while he seemingly doesn’t care at all.

    #863995 Reply

    Erin

    Just a piece of advice. Please girls, don’t ask a man ‘where is this going, what are we’, it just causes him to lose interest in you fast. Also, don’t assume you’re in a ‘mutual and exclusive’ relationship unless that has been communicated clearly.

    This is advice I got from a man (my brother) and what I have personally observed over the years.

    When you ask a man questions like that. It causes him to attach little value on you, because you’re seemingly attaching your value on the status of the relationship, which may or may not be a relationship. If you have to ask at all, then it means he is confusing you and he hasn’t made anything clear.

    If a man is playing games with you, or he’s wishy washy,he’s yo-yoing, he’s not your boyfriend, he’s still a prospect. It means you need to keep your options open and be rest assured he is too.

    The guys I’ve been in relationships with in the past who wanted me to to be their girlfriend said so, no mincing.

    Yes you can break up in the future but it was clear that you were in a relationship from the start.

    Don’t assume that he’s too shy, reserved or cautious or he’s been hurt in the past, if a guy can text you, plan dates with you, kiss you and smash you , he can definitely talk!

    With men, what you see is what you get, they are not that deep. If they’re being cryptic,vague or evasive when it comes to their feelings then they are not your boyfriend.

    Don’t assume relationships or act like a girlfriend where the intentions have not been communicated clearly. It will end in tears.

    Most ‘relationships’ I see doing a number on people in these streets are usually non relationships and situationships.

    If you can’t put a name on it, it doesn’t exist.

    #864005 Reply

    Amelia

    Wise words, Erin!

    #864489 Reply

    Steph

    I totally agree and I know that. I’m just having trouble reconciling what I took as legitimate interest to have not been the case.

    #864506 Reply

    Maddie

    It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, “he never had legitimate interest [so I misread something]”… that’s part of a story you’re telling yourself. He could have had legitimate interest and then decided he wanted something else, nothing wrong with you or anything you did. Or maybe he has issues and doesn’t stay interested in anyone for long. It sounds like you don’t trust yourself enough, but you don’t need to let what happened shake your confidence too much. You don’t know what he’s doing or thinking, or that he doesn’t care at all while you’re broken-hearted. Not wanting to continue dating and not caring are not the same thing. He may just suck at confrontation and expressing himself.

    How he feels ultimately neither matters nor changes anything at this point anyway, but the way you approach the situation to see yourself in the worst possible light matters a lot. So be kind to yourself.

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