This topic contains 58 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by tammy 2 months, 1 week ago.
June 29, 2021 at 11:16 am #889011
He really hasnt showed that he cares about me honestly. So i doubt he will ask about me coming to the lake. If he does i wont go. I dont feel comfortable around him anymore especially after what happened the last time i saw him. He doesnt really show any compassion now that i think back.June 29, 2021 at 1:25 pm #889064
marie its ok that you slept with him. pleas don’t beat yourslf about that. as liz said, he love bombed you and you just got carried away. and now that hes withdrawn your all confused. and i think sleeping with him so soon didnt help your anxiety. next time please be wary of such men.i always get wary of men who keep chasing so fervently or compliment me to the moon when i have not done anything to deserve such crazy compliments. just be a little careful from now on and take your time. just avoid this man and think that he came into your life to teach you things. chill and forget him. :-).June 29, 2021 at 2:12 pm #889088
Thank you Tammy! I think in my head i knew things were going to fast. Literally at the end of our first date he was like “when can i see you again”. Too much too fast. Lesson definitely learned.June 29, 2021 at 2:35 pm #889095
For what it’s worth, I’ve read psychology articles that claim the healthiest pace for dating a new person is seeing them about once a week, at least for the first month or so. You could Google it, I’m sure. It’s definitely not a good idea to rush into hanging out all the time with someone you just met. It’s too easy for your judgement to get clouded. Just consider this a lesson learned, and good for you for wanting better for yourself than some cranky jerk :-)June 30, 2021 at 5:15 pm #889638
Well I did mention earlier that there are always problems with dating someone in transition or who just went through a major event, whether they’re looking for or got a new job,are going for vacation, moving cities, attend a funeral or wedding or graduation.
For some reason, things change after those scenarios and sometimes it’s not for the best.
Looks like the ‘spark just died’ in this caseJune 30, 2021 at 9:44 pm #889725
You are overthinking things. You met this guy very recently. You don’t know him. You have no empathy for him: he’s been in a stressful and disappointing situation about his job search.
You make it all about you. You cry over nothing. You should take a deep breath,pace yourself and just enjoy getting to know him. He did not act like a jerk. You did. You have unrealistic expectations.June 30, 2021 at 9:50 pm #889728
Only a few weeks and all this emotional load already….July 1, 2021 at 9:09 am #889923
Marie, you both went too fast, and like the saying goes “only fools rush in.”
I understand its hard when you feel like you ‘click’ right away but the problem is you really don’t know each other well enough to make a rational or logical decision because your hormones are running amok.
Proper pacing is an essential element to dating, as is maintaining your “feminine energy” which is not acting like the man but the woman. The woman doesn’t initiate she receives his texts/calls. The woman doesn’t plan dates, she waits for him to plan it. The woman doesn’t ask “what are we”, she waits for him to bring up that conversation. The woman doesn’t give up her power to properly select the right guy to be in a relationship with, when HE ASKS HER to be his GF. You are dating backwards, and need to correct it.
You were 50 paces ahead of this guy. ALWAYS be 20 paces behind because you need to carefully listen, watch, and observe them as anyone can be on ‘good behavior’ for a short bit (couple months)—its the time after that when the fake mask they wear starts slipping, and slowly begin revealing their true selves. He was pretender. Someone who can pretend to be a certain way (nice, cool, sweet, etc.) for a short bit but that’s not the real him. His mask started slipping, and began to reveal the side of himself that showed you he doesn’t cope well when life hands him a curveball; he gets moody/snarky; doesn’t keep his word; and is passive-aggressive by twisting things around to make you feel bad when you bring it up.
In the future, slow down. Don’t have sex until you’ve spent enough time together to get a true version of who he is, not the one they hide, over a good period of time (2 – 3 months) and only when they are showing repeated consistency, plus follow-through (say what they are going to do, and do what they say 98% of the time). The moment they stop, you take a few steps back to see if they step back-in on their own, if not, bye felicia!
Your sex hormones (oxytocin rush) drives you into an emotional tizzy, so it would behoove of you to accept that you bond too quickly when you engage in it. It would be best for you to keep it off the table until you have a lot more intel on a guy, and have built a pretty good solid foundation over several months to the point you feel pretty darn confident he’s *all in*—not half-assed in, like this one. When a man has one foot in, and one foot out, you keep both out!July 1, 2021 at 9:53 am #889939
Thanks for everyone’s insight into this matter. I haven’t talked to him since Sunday. And one of my friends told me to stop talking to him because he is toxic. I was supposed to go to oklahoma to see him tomorrow but dont think i will now. We have gone on 7 dates within a month time period and honestly i dont think hes the best fit for me thinking back. He texted me at some point last night saying “Hello?” but i dont know how to respond. I fear he will be rude and pissy towards me and i dont need / deserve to be treated as a second priority. I dont believe i was being the jerk at all in this scenario because i tried to be there for him when he didnt get the job, i tried to make him feel better by taking him out to get drinks and get his mind off of it. I do not feel bad about anything i have done. Also the fact that he has never once called me on the phone is off putting in my opinion.July 1, 2021 at 10:21 am #889946
Did he wind up inviting you on the trip after all?
You say you’re “supposed to go”….did you tell him you would go? I don’t quite understand.
I don’t think that going completely silent and ghosting him is the best response. If you are not going to see him anymore, you should politely let him know. Even if he was “rude and pissy”, you should be the bigger person and end it politely. It’s a bit rude to just leave him hanging, especially if you made plans to travel together this weekend (did you?)
I also don’t think you did anything wrong. This guy just sounds like a bad fit for you. It happens. Best to just wish him well and move on.July 1, 2021 at 10:29 am #889951
This man is not toxic. Your expectations and over investment are way over the top. Way way way over the top.
You absolutely should be second priority this man has a life and you are just dating. You don’t become first priority until it is real, which is when you are boyfriend/girlfriend. You clearly have anxious attachment, which you should learn about and understand.July 1, 2021 at 10:39 am #889953
He has not texted me anything about the trip. I texted him Sunday asking if he wanted anything from the cigar shop because i was going and he said “hahah no thanks i have plenty.” wtf kind of response is that? I was being nice and offering. I have zero expectations from him. I have not reached out to him since Sunday. He never initiates phone calls but is able to text me. I find it weird that he and i have been talking / seeing each other for a month now and he never talks to me on the phone.July 1, 2021 at 10:41 am #889955
@tallspicy i dont think i have over invested anything into this. At the beginning he was the one asking if i would ever move to his home state.. if i would go on the trip. He even offered to buy me furniture! He was obviously love bombing me to make it feel like there was a connection.July 1, 2021 at 11:03 am #889962
why do you find it weird that he never talks on the phone? I am dating someone for over a month now and it doesn’t bother me that he doesn’t call . I understand everyone is different but not everyone is into phone calls…
another thing is, he was love bombing you but I also feel like you are being way nice to him, you asked him if he wanted anything from the cigar shop? He is not your bf , he does not live with you, why do you ask him those questions? I am not surprised with his answer.
He seems a bit rude to me if I am honest, I don’t know how good looking he is and how quickly he find women but the fact that you met on dating site means he has got options probably closed to home .
He got what he wanted from you but knowing this type he will contact you from time to time to see if you are available when he’s got no other options.July 1, 2021 at 11:09 am #889966
What should i respond as far as the Hello? text? Do i not respond or if i do what do i say? I dont want to be rude and leave him hanging. Apparently, i shouldnt just ghost him.July 1, 2021 at 11:11 am #889969
depends what kind of person you are, if a guy treated me like he treated you I would ghost him, did he message you about the dinner or did you have to ask… exactly.
But if he does message you asking if you are coming to see him, then just say no sorry made other plans . you don’t have to explain yourself.July 1, 2021 at 11:28 am #889979
True.. i did have to follow up on dinner that night. But he also was like idk why you have to confirm plans when i tell you something is going to happen its going to happen. When he said that it was kinda a shock.July 1, 2021 at 11:52 am #889990
Too much drama for only a month of dating. You should be in the honeymoon stage and this is definitely not it.
He’s not toxic. He just isn’t a good fit for what it appears you need in a relationship. The struggle you seem to be in is acting like a girlfriend and having girlfriend expectations when you are not in a relationship yet. Again as others pointed out this is most likely just a compatibility issue.
I don’t see anything wrong with you asking if he wanted anything from the cigar shop but I do see a problem with you not understanding his response. He said no. No reason to read into it anymore than that.
Wish him well and move on to a man who will be more of a right fit for you.July 1, 2021 at 12:05 pm #889998
“I texted him Sunday asking if he wanted anything from the cigar shop because i was going and he said “hahah no thanks i have plenty.” wtf kind of response is that?”
What did you expect him to reply? Serious question. His reply seemed OK to me. At least, it’s in line with his personality, he seems a bit crass and abrupt.
I agree with Gaia, this is way too much drama. And I don’t think this guy is a terrible person. He seems crass to me, I wouldn’t like dating a guy who gave the responses he gave. But the responsibility is on you if you continue to engage with him. If you don’t like how he treats you, let him go and move on.
I personally think the decent thing to do is just text him that you’ve thought about it, and you don’t think you two are a good fit, and you don’t want to date anymore. And wish him well. In my opinion it’s rude to ghost someone you’ve been dating for a month and have slept with.July 1, 2021 at 12:14 pm #890001
@Liz Lemon – I wanted him to say “thanks for thinking of me babe, but i have way too many cigars as it is.” Something along the lines of that. Apparently, im always in the wrong and should just dating period.July 1, 2021 at 12:15 pm #890002
* Just stop dating period.July 1, 2021 at 1:16 pm #890024
Do not respond to the hello- instead begin to move on from this guy. He’s not asking you a question- if he asked a question or asks you a question in the future, you can respond- hey hope things go well for you, I’m not interested in anything further in dating with you. He at best is rude and self-involved. I would never talk to this guy again.July 1, 2021 at 2:04 pm #890048
No one here said that you should stop dating period. Nor did anyone say you were in the wrong. We gave our opinions off the info given. You may need to reevaluate what you want out of a partner so you can find the person who is most compatible with you.
I don’t understand why he would have responded the way you wanted him to when you aren’t his girlfriend. That doesn’t make sense. And I totally agree with Liz. Politely tell him, sorry we aren’t compatible and wish him well.July 1, 2021 at 2:04 pm #890049
We all agree that this guy is not a good match for you and you should move on :-) As to whether you reply to his “hello?” text, that’s up to you.
regarding his reply to your text– you’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you start having expectations about how a guy “should” reply. Especially a guy who is not your boyfriend, who you’ve been dating a month. I actually don’t think you should have asked him about the cigars at all, I agree with Ewa that he’s not your boyfriend and it’s too early to start acting girlfriend-ish in that way. But then to have expectations about how he should reply, and get upset or offended when he doesn’t give the reply you wanted, is even more of a no-no.
Hopefully this is a learning experience for you. Beware of guys that love bomb! Rein in your expectations in the early days of dating. If a man is not your boyfriend, don’t expect him to act like it, and don’t get upset if he doesn’t treat you like a girlfriend.July 1, 2021 at 4:56 pm #890094
Take a deep breath and let all this go.
You’ve just known him for a month. Try and fulfill your life with joy, and see other men.
Also, work on your anxiety and unhealthy attachement. If you don’t like your interactions, you have the right to move on.