Dont know what to make of this…


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This topic contains 58 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  tammy 2 weeks, 4 days ago.

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  • #883856 Reply

    Marie

    I met this guy on bumble about 2 weeks ago. First date went great and we went out again 2 days later. He was very good about texting me good morning everyday and even started holding my hand on dates out in public. He recently had to go back home for a job interview and then to a funeral. Since hes been gone almost 4 days his texts are lacking. Totally not texting like before. I got that hes busy but i feel like hes slipping away? Its weird because he told his friends and family about me and even asked me to go on a trip for the fourth of july in a couple weeks. Should i just let it be and let him text when he wants too? I forgot to mention that we did have sex one time… probably too soon. But within a two week period we have been on about 5 dates and spent tons of time together. Im just confused…

    #883876 Reply

    Maddie

    I can’t think of much that’s more stressful than going home, being around family, and prepping for a job interview AND attending a funeral. Don’t take his texting habits personally when you know he’s busy while he’s away. You can offer some support the day of the funeral, and otherwise leave the ball in his court without overanalyzing anything. He’ll be back.

    It’s also been a whirlwind of a 2 weeks! Don’t regret sleeping with him “too soon,” it’s already happened and it’s fine. But try to take a step back from rushing into the emotional attachment and investment because you don’t know him yet! Things sound fine so far, so what’s the rush emotionally? Situations that burn so intensely so quickly tend to fizzle out because there’s rushed investment without taking more time to get to know the other person and if there’s actual compatibility, and then building a more solid foundation leading up to the decision to make things official / exclusive. Take the time while he’s away and less in contact as a breather to focus on you and slow down what’s going on in your head with him a little bit. Hang out with a friend, do your own thing. Get in a good mindset to continue getting to know him and decide if he’s a good fit for what you’re looking for, rather than worrying about if his level of interest is shifting or not. Bonus is that being more secure in yourself and less micro-focused on him (though still interested in him) will be very attractive to him as well!

    #883883 Reply

    Marie

    In the past things have seemed to go great with someone than suddenly things fizzle out. Hes already met my family and likes hanging out with all of us. I guess im worried for no reason. I need to take a step back and just let things happen naturally. Im going to try and keep busy to keep him off my mind and not text him!

    #884101 Reply

    tammy

    i think Maddie gave gud advice. chill and relax. hes away. no reason to believe he is doing a disappearing act. and yes if your getting anxious, try to keep urself occupied. to dont want to come across as a needy or clingy woman. but as a strong woman who has other things going on in life besides him. don’t push for more contact more calls more messages. hes away and may be busy. wait till hes back. hopefully he will get in touch and take up where you guys left off.but please dont let your anxiety and insecurity get the better of you. this behaviour might drive him away.

    #884278 Reply

    Marie

    I find this whole thing raising my anxiety levels. Im not sure if i should even be getting into a long distance relationship if things are already like this. He did ask me if i would ever move to where he is if he takes this new role at his job. I guess im so used to men disappointing me that im already sabotaging what we “could” have in the future. I just want to make sure he wants the type of commitment i do. I mean we did have the talk that we both want serious relationships but im afraid of putting myself out there to be hurt yet again.

    #884514 Reply

    tammy

    well atlst your acknowledging that due to the past, you could be sabotaging your present. you need to work on your anxiety, insecurity and fears. really speaking, we all dont know when what could happen can we? who knows what the future holds? hurt happiness failures achievements success disappointments all part and parcel of life. you have to get over your fears to have a better today. hes away and is busy. thats alright. u have a life apart from him as well. do your stuff. friends, family, hobbies, movies, workouts etc. so many things to choose from. see how things are when he returns. dont go luking for problems when there are none.

    #884540 Reply

    Marie

    Thank you guys so much for the kind words. I really appreciate it. I do believe i self sabotage myself and need to get better about accepting the things i cant change and believe there is someone out there for me. Dating in this day and age is scary and confusing but in the end i need to protect myself and my heart. Ill only truly let him in once i know hes going to stay around for a while. For now though, i think i will be a little guarded.

    #884571 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    It’s only been 2 or so weeks since you met. You don’t really know this person, even though it feels like you do. So the wise thing to do is to stay a bit guarded, in the sense of not falling head over heels for, and planning a future with, a guy you barely know. It takes time to truly get to know someone, so much of what you know of him now is a fantasy, or him being on his best behavior.

    You have to walk the line between being open and receptive and letting a guy get to know you (and get to know him), and totally letting your guard down and letting someone in who has not earned that privilege.

    This is not meant to sound cynical, but most dating/relationships end around the 3-4 month mark, if they make it that long. If you browse this forum you’ll see many posts by women who have been dating a guy for that length of time, and everything was fine up until the 3-4 month mark. The guy suddenly decided he did not see a future with the woman. If you do some Googling about how guys fall in love, you’ll see that it takes them some time to really decide if they want to commit to a woman. He might not even truly know if he wants “the same type of commitment” that you do until he’s dated you for awhile. Many men don’t date to find a relationship, they date for companionship and sex, and they fall into a relationship when they meet a woman who knocks their socks off. Women are the opposite, they often go into dating with a clear agenda to find a relationship. If you just relax and let this guy get to know you, he may very well fall head over heels for you want want a long-term commitment. But you may not know that until you date for a couple of months.

    So I think at least for the first few months, you should enjoy the guy’s company, get to know him, let him get to know you, but be mindful of the fact that this situation is a work in progress. Developing a relationship is a process that takes time. You won’t know the end result until you’re further in.

    With regard to the specific details of your situation, I agree that going home for a job interview and funeral on top of that is a lot for a person to deal with. I would not take it personally that he’s texting you less. Just relax, live your life, and see if he picks up the intensity when he gets back to town.

    #884795 Reply

    Erin

    Stop sabotaging yourself and carrying over baggage from old relationships into new ones. Yeah it might be feel and all look the same but people are different and each person should be treated differently.

    Don’t project your insecurities and fears onto people. Give him the benefit of the doubt in til he gives you a reason not to.

    Meanwhile, there is something about dating a person who is in transition, like dating in the early stages, someone who is about to start a new job, move places, go for vacation, has a major life event happen to them like wedding, funeral, sickness. I’ve found that most people struggle and say that communication changed, the person changed and sometimes even ghosted.

    I think it’s because life gets in the way and they suddenly find themselves unable to put out more energy in some things especially those at the beginning stages.

    I’ll also go with what Lizzy said, you’ve only known him for two weeks and went on two dates only. Basically you don’t really know this guy and it’s wise for you slow down a bit and just enjoy getting to know him and letting him prove himself. Don’t let your whole guard down just yet, it’s not about withholding affection or playing games but it’s about protecting yourself and dating a person you don’t really know with Discernment.

    2 weeks and 2 dates with someone you didn’t know before, is just too little to see a future with someone and start planning one around. Just treat it like dates with a guy you might like very much in the future.

    The first dates should not be treated like a last chance at happiness or like a matter of do or die.

    If you have anxiety issues, try dating multiple people, you don’t have to have sex with all of them but just get to know all of them and observe them and let the best man win!

    #886549 Reply

    Marie

    So hes back in town. I let him readjust to the time difference so i didnt text him the first day he got back. He did finally text me good morning and other pleasantries. He didnt end up getting the job and was super upset about it. Which i totally get. I was planning on staying over but he told me he didnt feel like doing that tonight. To which i responded lets go get a drink and we can take your mind off of it. At first when i met up with him he seemed super pissy and i didnt know what to make of the attitude. I just hugged him and said “whats up!”. Someone had hit his brand new truck at his apartment…. ugh just another blow to his already crappy week. Drinks went okay and then he kinda invited me to have dinner tomorrow night with him and a couple of friends at his apartment complex. Im honestly not sure if he really wants me to come but why else would he ask me? Im think ill let it go until he really confirms the plans with me tomorrow. Honestly, i feel like im already putting a mental block on having feelings for him because i always end up the one being hurt. Ugh i want to let go of old things but i want to protect myself too. I do like him and want to give him the benefit of the doubt right now.

    If he does ask me to have dinner with them tomorrow night, should i go?

    #886562 Reply

    Ewa

    hmm why would he ask you to join him for dinner with his friends? it is a bit too soon , don’t you think?
    I would say no but it depends what kind of person you are. I am not that social

    #886569 Reply

    Elvira

    Marie stop questioning everything he does or says. He invited you …do you want to go? It’s that simple. One question you ask yourself leads to a dozen more. I also feel you are focusing way too much on his life…his car got hit…he didn’t get the job…he is upset! I get it things happen in life but you pull yourself up and keep going. It’s ok for him to tell you his hard times but I don’t think it should damper the moment you spend with someone you are getting to know. If anything seeing that person should brighten your day. So do not mother him but instead be yourself and encourage him to keep moving along.
    I have very little tolerance for self-pity but I am not without empathy for someone who is definitely having a hard time. I have also realized men do not like to be looked at as failures so don’t linger on there difficult time. However a man who loathes self pity constantly has deeper issues and that is something you need to ask yourself do you want to deal with that?

    #886575 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    This is a guy you’ve dated for 2 weeks! You need to take a big step back. If you can’t get to know the guy without spiraling into anxiety and confusion, maybe you should not be dating.

    If he invites you to dinner and you want to go, then go. It’s simple.

    I think you should not initiate any more dates at this point. You invited him for a drink and he went. Now the ball is in his court. He should be courting you, wooing you, reaching out to you. I really like Elvira’s points, she is right that men who are having a hard time don’t want to look weak in front of women, especially someone they just started dating. Don’t fall into a pattern of mothering him or worrying about his emotional state. You barely know each other, you are dating, you are getting to know each other, he should be happy to see you and not dumping his emotions on you (not this early).

    If you feel you’re developing a mental block because you like the guy, that’s a sign you should not be dating, honestly. If you are not open to getting to know a guy and seeing where things go, and if the potential for a relationship is there, you’re wasting both of your time. And you are sabotaging yourself with that attitude. So you should really think about whether you’re in a mental state to date right now.

    #886595 Reply

    Marie

    If he does ask me tomorrow to have dinner with him and his friends ill go. I dont think its a big deal meeting a couple of people he knows. He did also ask me if i would go away with him for the 4th of July but we will see if that plan pans out. I do want to get to know him but his attitude just put me in a bad mood last night. I want to be happy and chipper but its hard when someone is pissed off about how there day went.

    #886630 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    At this point your job is to sit back and observe and see if this guy is a good fit for you. My two cents: it would be a major turn off for me if a guy I had just started dating was super pissy with me because he didn’t get a job, and someone hit his truck on top of that. I understand being bummed out, but he should be trying to make a positive impression on you. He can vent to his friends about the job and the truck– right now he should be focused on getting to know you and make a positive impression on you. So if he is truly being crappy with you because of stuff that’s outside your control, you should think carefully about whether this is someone you want to be with, like Elvira said. My bf was going through some stressful family stuff when we started dating (his mom was ill and needed potentially life threatening surgery, and my bf was the family member in charge of taking her to the surgery and seeing it through)– and it did not affect his interactions with me in the least. He was so lovely and sweet the first weeks we were dating. He was under enormous stress, but it didn’t affect his interactions with me at all. That’s the mindset a man has when he wants to impress a woman.

    Just see what happens. Maybe his attitude last night was a blip. Just observe and see if it becomes a pattern. And definitely let him follow up with you about dinner, or the 4th of July trip. A guy who is interested will follow up and make sure it happens. If he’s flaky, or keeps up with the bad attitude, he’s not a guy you want to date anyway.

    #886634 Reply

    Marie

    You are so right Liz! Ill let him text me tomorrow about the dinner thing, and if not oh well! If i do end up going tomorrow night ill mention that i was able to get off work for two days if he still wanted me to go on the trip. If not no big deal! i have other things i can work on at home instead of going. I wont be mad either way.

    #887129 Reply

    Marie

    Nothing so far from him regarding dinner tonight with him and his friends. He also didnt mention me going to oklahoma the other night during drinks. Im definitely not going to text him asking about tonight. I mean when we had drinks i asked him what time he wanted to have dinner (Thursday) and he said he would have to check with his friends..

    #887186 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I hate to break it to you, but this guy isn’t that interested. Who knows why, maybe he’s seeing other people, maybe he just changed his mind, maybe he has too much personal stuff going on.

    A guy who is interested would follow up with you. He would make sure he made arrangements to see you. He would make sure he is regularly on your radar. It’s really very simple. It’s so easy when you’re with the right guy, he doesn’t leave you wondering if he’s interested. He shows it.

    Please don’t text this guy, don’t do anything. Don’t ask about the 4th of July trip. He’ll reach out to you eventually– see what happens when he does. I suspect his interest is lukewarm at best. I don’t think you will have anything serious with this guy, I’m sorry to say. A guy with a serious interest would communicate regularly, show interest, and have a solid plan to see you again.

    #888636 Reply

    Marie

    Update: I asked him if he still wanted me over for dinner. His response was “i dont know why you keep asking me these things. it makes me think you dont really want to do it.” I said that i like to confirm plans before i get ready that way i dont waste my time. i got to his apartment and he was on the phone which was super awkward.. not even a little wave or side hug. Had dinner with him and his friends which went okay. Then he had to pack still for his trip again and i told him i brought my stuff if he would like me to stay the night since i wouldnt be seeing him for a while. He said no because he didnt want me to think he only wanted me to stay over for sex. At that point i felt really awkward and decided it was getting late and i should leave. He was getting ready to walk me out and i told him he didnt have to do that. He did end up walking me to my car and i felt really emotional and started crying infront of him. He did hug me and told me he likes me. He told me to text him when i got home but i didnt because i was embarrassed because i cried in front of him. He texted the next day a kinda snarky comment about me not telling him i made it home.. I said i was embarrassed and didnt want to text him late. He didnt text me at all the next day. I reached out yesterday finally but it didnt feel the same. I guess in my head i already know this is over.

    #888646 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    If you’re with the right person, the first weeks/months of dating are effortless- fun, easy, exciting– you both can’t wait to see each other. It’s called “the honeymoon period” for a reason. You’ve barely known this guy a month and he’s already making you cry! He makes you feel awkward. He makes snarky comments.

    If a guy I’d been dating a few weeks said, in response to me confirming plans, “i dont know why you keep asking me these things. it makes me think you dont really want to do it”, I wouldn’t have even bothered to go over for dinner! But the bigger issue is you should not have had to confirm! He should have reached out and made it clear he wants to see you.

    Forget about this guy. And definitely don’t cry over him. He’s not worth it. Yes, he was intense the first couple weeks you were dating, but unfortunately there are guys who are like that– they start out intense but then things go sour. You have to date a guy over an extended period of time to get to know his true colors. You’re seeing his true colors now, and he’s a jerk. You haven’t lost anything, you’ve just realized who he is.

    #888656 Reply

    Marie

    Oh my gosh i know right! He was super nice our first couple of dates and ever since the job thing didnt work out i feel like hes taking it out on me and is all sorts of pissy. I kinda mentioned that the other night and he goes “so.. im not allowed to talk to you about my crappy days? wow..” I didnt know how to respond. Im the type of person who feeds off your energy and if your in a bad mood more than likely i will be too.

    #888940 Reply

    tammy

    i read the thread and i am not sure what to make of this whole thing. i think some where some how there was a gap in communication or some miscommunication. and i also feel through it all, you were just so insecure and sounded very unsure. i think more than him not being interested, just got the feeling that things headed downhill bec you somehow kept fearing that it will. i seriously feel more than this guy you need to work on your anxiety and fears. do you realise these things do get projected on to the other person? and no one wants to be saddled with anxiety fears and insecurities. it was just 2/3 weeks. and instead of being excited at being with him and meeting him, you were driven more by fear of losing him.

    if you think objectively, at 2 weeks what would you luk for? fun, love, laovemaking, adventures, getting to know each other without any fears right? i think all along you mostly projected fear of rejection and losing him. and so u did. you kept fearing things to go wrong, and they did!

    i think you need to work on your fears and anxieties and most of your issues wld resolve. you cant be this worried if you have known the guy for just 2 weeks.

    #888962 Reply

    Anon

    Marie,
    I like what Liz said, he’s a bad fit for you. He’s acting like a jerk and it might be because he didn’t get the job, truck, whatever. This is the kind of guy he is- and that’s what you would be dealing with. And imagine now if something really great happened to you- like you got a new job- you tell him and he’s the type of guy that would not be able to handle that to congratulate you- my opinion on this. Move on from this one- I would never reach out to him again- and when he does reach out- I would just tell him you’re not a good fit. I’m sure he will respond in a jerk way. A guy that makes you feel insecure is not a good fit.

    #888964 Reply

    Marie

    @Tammy- oh for sure i have anxieties and fears of losing someone. But i think with him i already put up this emotional barrier to not get hurt. At this point i dont care if he stays or goes because i protected myself emotionally and maybe he caught onto that. He wasnt affectionate after he didnt get the job back in his home state and when i asked him about plans he was the one who didnt communicate.

    I haven’t reached out to him because really whats the point? I tried to be nice sunday and reach out to him to no avail. He texted later that night “how was your day?” i just didnt respond. There are tons of men out there and im just kinda mad that i slept with him that one time.

    #888969 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Very good points, Tammy! That’s totally true. I also think the OP was love-bombed. Within the first 2 weeks they spent tons of time together (their 2nd date was 2 days after their first), talked about going on a trip, he told his family about her, they slept together….that’s a lot for someone you just met.

    Marie, I think Tammy has really good points about reining in your anxiety when dating. Also, you should beware of guys that rush things the way this one did. It’s known as “love bombing” when a guy takes things too fast right at the beginning– you can look it up. The healthiest way to date is to take it slow and get to know the person over time.

    If you lean towards being anxious in dating, then love bombing will really mess with your head. So please do think about what Tammy wrote, and for future reference, take things slower with guys you date in the future.

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