This topic contains 46 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by AngieBaby 1 month ago.
October 12, 2021 at 11:05 am #927934
Charlotte, you make good points.
I don’t think the BF is in romantic love with Marissa, but there is DEFINITELY some kind of attachment, sense of responsibility – not sure what to call it. What we don’t know if this is just situational because of the sexual assault (maybe a female close to him was assaulted so the incident was a trigger) or if this is an ongoing attachment to her that he’s not going to let go of.
I broke up with someone who couldn’t let go of an ex. He was never in love with her, and I do believe that, but he told me he cared about her very much and worried about her, she had mental health issues. She did crazy things from time to time and after a year of dating her, she did something over the top and he ended it. But she was still contacting him, I saw a text accidentally and confronted him, and then the truth came out – he admitted to calling her periodically to check on her. He was very much in love with me… but he couldn’t explain why he felt compelled to check on her and he obviously wasn’t going to stop. A therapist told me they had some kind of trauma bond thing going. I couldn’t accept it and ended it.
So we’ll see what this guy does, but I am not at all convinced he will be 100% done with Marissa anytime soon even though he isn’t interested in a romantic relationship with her. I think Jennifer is going to have to make some hard decisions at some point.October 12, 2021 at 11:44 am #927947
There are a lot of people out there who have that “white knight syndrome” in that they are always trying to rescue others.
Maybe both of these people (the OP and her boyfriend) are some version of that. It would be good for the OP to look into for her own self-awareness.October 12, 2021 at 12:25 pm #927952
Hey Jennifer, just wanted to give my 2 cents from a guy’s point of view. I agree that he does love Marissa, but pursuing a relationship with her is probably the last thing on his mind. Sounds like those two never got a real chance to explore a possible relationship. They ended the first time because she left for college, not from a lack or feelings it seems. The 2nd time around, his best friend got between them and squashed any potential chance of getting together for real. I would not worry about your boyfriend leaving you for her, neither of them are in a place to be in a relationship. It’s sad because his feelings for her seem genuine. I do wonder what Marissa thinks of all this though, as you said she does know he has a girlfriend.October 12, 2021 at 1:43 pm #927971
So @Jennifer, say you & your BF worked things out & you two got back together…
How often would you worry about Marissa re-entering your relationship with another crisis… Or another girl coming on to the scene who needs rescuing? He’s done it once, he will do it again.
Remember, he left you high & dry… He wasn’t worried about YOU. He actually lashed out at you.
Is this who you want to spend your days with…October 12, 2021 at 7:59 pm #927783
[Moderator note: Sorry you had trouble posting earlier today, Jennifer. The forum filter doesn’t like the word s**t — I fixed it up.]
Before this whole situation happened, even though my boyfriend has always been a protective guy like I said, he has never had such an over the top reaction like this. I know it may be hard to believe, but he was a pretty chill guy, like one who goes with the flow. He rarely ever let his emotions get the best of him, even when his best friend used to do all this stupid s**t, he would just roll his eyes and blow him off basically. That is why this has been hard for me to process, but reading your guys’ advice and taking time to think about it, I was thinking maybe deep down he has some sort of savior complex? It’s just surprising because he really is not confrontational at all and certainly does not go out of his way for people, so it seems like it’s really just for this girl in particular.
You guys are all giving me really good feedback and I want to reiterate how much I appreciate it. I know I should be thinking about long term here and if he’s still what I really want after all of this, but I will wait until at least Wednesday. It only makes sense to. I agree that if he does come back, not that I want to make him jump through hoops, but he needs to find a way to make up his long absence up to me. I don’t know why, but my gut feeling is saying there will be a rift which is what I’m scared of. I want to believe you Angiebaby so badly because logically, it doesn’t sound like he likes her romantically. Call it woman’s intuition, but I feel like despite the fact that Marissa is younger and still has a lot of growing up to do, she is the one my bf is attracted to. The reason their fling ended was because she had to leave for college, and they didn’t have time to start dating for real. Maybe she’s a “what if” in his mind, but I keep remembering that he only made it official with me after she was gone. Also, I don’t know if I mentioned this (because I’ve written so much already), but I think it’s important to point out that my bf and I have known each other a year prior to dating. So he is a friend to me too, which is why I don’t want to leave this relationship in the dust just yet. Yet, I also feel like 2nd place because he only dated me because things with her couldn’t work. When I think about it, his attitude towards her seems possessive and irrationally obsessive. Maybe it stems from having an extreme affection for her, but it doesn’t seem healthy to me at all. I guess time is what will really tell.October 12, 2021 at 8:51 pm #928071
Oh wow, I was trying to submit that post hours ago..anyway, Charlotte you put a lot of my thoughts into words before I even had the chance to update here.October 12, 2021 at 9:48 pm #928085
There could be a lot of reasons for his behavior. We’ve all speculated as much as we can. Jennifer, you’re just going to have to play it as you feel it, day by day. Trust your instincts, trust yourself. You will know if it’s OK to keep going with him to see how it goes or if you need to end it sooner rather than later. You know we’re all rooting for you and we are here for you.October 13, 2021 at 6:24 am #928212
I was had a man tell me he was concerned I would not be there for him when he was sick.
His ex was such a mess that she had been to rehab several times for alcoholism, had a million dollar divorce, and her kids taken from her.
And I was not going to be there?
This guy should have been given his stuff back and told to contact you after he went to therapy when he uttered the words that he should have never broken up with her. Followed by that she was something bright when he had to pick her up at 18 years old with an alcohol addiction.
This guy is a hot mess with a savior complex. Please pay attention to who he is showing you who he is the first time.October 13, 2021 at 9:28 am #928275
You have received a lot of advice on here and I agree that there is a strong form of attachment between your boyfriend and this girl. Whether it is his desire to be this savior or having feelings for this person – neither one benefits you.
A person who is damaged will most likely seek others who are damaged it is a magnet and only they can “try” to understand this attraction. Maybe deep down he has no desire to be with someone like this but he can’t control himself to be stuck in this person’s drama. Only he knows his true feelings.
He is not a therapist and cannot help her but he can offer her support and encourage her to report this and attend a support group – if he feels guilty for what happened then he should be reporting his friend to the police so he doesn’t do this to someone else.
You are all too young to be surrounded by so much drama.
You may not want to hear this but I agree that you are in a very bad triangle here and despite how “great” things were before this is a test you have to move from.
You are only a few months in and already have major trust issues. If a man is so dedicated to helping a woman then the feelings there are not just that of a friend it is the “knight in shining armor”. I also think he took this as the perfect opportunity to go back to this woman and is trying to slowly remove himself from your life.
The last thing you want is to feel like a 3rd party in your own relationship. I would advise him that if he feels such a strong desire to help this person that you totally understand and will remove yourself from his life. Then I suggest you move on and make the choice to heal and find someone who would drop everything at the drop of a hat to help you when you need it.October 13, 2021 at 11:51 pm #928479
T from NY
Time for some tough love. And I do mean it kindly…
What Raven said! What TallSpicy said!
Again not to be harsh but – women HAVE TO STOP romanticizing men’s bad behavior of us. WHEN we are healthy, and have cultivated sufficient self-love, we do NOT try to riddle out a mans actions! Because nearly 100 percent of the time – their actions tell you ALL you need to know! (And in this case he’s even said words that tell you how he feels about the other).
Make no mistake. He has CHOSEN his woman. WhatEVER their relationship… ‘dear friends’, boyfriend-girlfriend, distressed damsel-savior. He grabbed her hand.in a room fullll of people that included your friends and his friends, and he escorted HER out. That whole reason of being “mad” at you – I really am so sorry (but not sorry because I want what’s best for you and your future…) is an excuse. Because men do the SAME thing when they are in love – make excuses for the woman. If he truly loved you he would have given you the benefit of the doubt and been hurt and perplexed! He would have wanted to riddle your actions out!
Take it from women who know, who have been there. No woman’s love is so unique it makes a man act so much different than men typically act when they are in love-or lust-obsession-or any other thing that has NOTHING to do with them. Whatever his “honorable” actions on he is performing on her behalf, do great dishonor to you. You deserve better. You deserve what he’s giving her. Choosing you. Communicating with you. Standing by your side. You are not second-choice! A person is either your person, for whatever season, or they are not. Follow his example. Stop making him your first choice.October 14, 2021 at 12:08 am #928484
A-men @T from NY!October 14, 2021 at 12:19 pm #928506
So my boyfriend came home today. At this point, I’ve sort of numbed myself from becoming overly emotional and I definitely wasn’t going to push him to have a long ass conversation that I wasn’t even sure I was ready to have either. Ironic because this whole week up until Wednesday, I was planning everything I wanted to say, then it all went out the window when I saw him come through the door. I don’t even know how to describe what today was…he’s sleeping now as I’m typing this because you’ve all been so supportive so I want to keep you updated on what’s happened.
Basically, he came home and we hugged for a long time. Sat him down and we talked for a while, he apologized for his behavior and for being gone the whole week, I asked him how Marissa’s been, things like that. Later found him in the bathroom just sitting on the floor against the wall crying, so I took him into my arms and just held him. He kept asking how could his best friend could betray him like this and hurt a girl like that, I said I didn’t know and just sat there holding onto him. I’d never seen him losing it that badly, but I understand. I don’t know what I’d do if my best childhood friend turned out to be such an utter piece of s**t either. That’s when he went to get this bouquet of flowers from his car. Apparently Marissa bought them and asked that he give them to me as a thank you. There was a note from her too, apologizing for making our relationship difficult and thanking me for letting him go to to help her. I don’t even feel mad anymore, just sympathetic for everyone, myself included.
I took my bf for a drive after this and we pretty much switched between serious convos and lighthearted topics, which felt nice. Eventually, I asked him how he met Marissa. Just out of genuine curiosity because at this point, I felt like we could talk about anything because we were just both exhausted and out of tears. It’s like we reached that point when it doesn’t matter what we say anymore, minus well let it out all out.He talked about the night they met at this mutual friend’s party. How he approached her while she was standing on the sidewalk and that she was wearing this “purple top thing”. Said they started talking, connected, and he’d never really met anyone like her. And then, threw in the “Well not until you” which made us both laugh. He said no one’s ever been as kind to him as she was and being around her made him feel good because she never judged who he was or when his life was a mess. We didn’t talk much after, just sorta drove in silence until we got back home.
I really didn’t want to do much more talking because that felt like a load enough today. I think we both just need to sleep on it, which is what I’m going to do after I post this update. Thank u all for being here for me, and while I’m not sure where this is headed at all, I will be keeping all of your advice in mind for the future.October 14, 2021 at 12:52 pm #928630
I’m glad you updated us. I wholeheartedly agree with T from NY! Please, please keep her and the others advice in mind while you deal with him. Watch and observe him now. He should be making you and your relationship a priority.October 14, 2021 at 1:08 pm #928635
Wow I was so in my emotions writing that yesterday trying to update before I went to sleep I ended up using my real name..apologies. I wanted to change all our names for privacy reasons and just in case for whatever reason, someone I know is on this site and reads it realizing it’s me. That would be the last thing I need.October 14, 2021 at 1:08 pm #928636
Thanks for the update Jennifer. I”m glad he came home.
It was really nice that Marissa did that for you.
There is a lot to unpack here, it’s complicated.
I think your BF is a decent guy and I can only imagine how devastating and outrageous it must be to find out your BFF from childhood has it in him to commit sexual assault.
It will probably take a little while for all this to work its way out in the open and at some point you can make a decision on whether you should continue with him or not. I trust you will know what to do and I hope you know you can trust yourself. You’ve handled this really well. I don’t know what the right answer is and it doesn’t matter what any of us say – at the end of the day, you know him, you know all the facts in a way none of us well meaning strangers on the internet do and it’s down to you to decide.
Hugs. Get a massage. Chill out. Take care of you while all of this plays out.October 14, 2021 at 1:10 pm #928637
Are you the same Emilia who posted yesterday about being FWB with a guy who wanted a relationship but you weren’t really into him??October 14, 2021 at 2:01 pm #928652
No I’m not, this is the only time I’ve posted on this site. I’ve never done FWB in my life. Maybe just another girl with the same name?October 14, 2021 at 2:13 pm #928656
You may be able to ask the admin to delete your post then repost the same info under the name you’ve been using?
Glad to hear things have gotten to a point where open conversation is possible. And that Marissa is aware that the situation is likely pushing boundaries in your relationship with your bf. I really didn’t think she was intentionally trying to cause issues, just grasping around to not sink.
It’s still tough to tell how this will move forward, but I’m not that surprised to hear that he liked feeling accepted by her even when he is a mess. What’s recently happened to her aside, that is very much in line with him having a lot of issues he doesn’t yet know how to deal with in general. So do keep in the back of your head not to get dragged under into them and choosing what’s healthy for you and meets your needs.November 2, 2021 at 3:28 pm #929144
It’s been a while since I last updated but a lot has happened since then…the result is that we are now broken up.
You were all right, what mattered then the most was the aftermath. I wanted to see if he would still keep in contact with her which he didn’t, and so for a week after I thought we were trying to repair our relationship. Until yet again, drama hit. Her dad called my boyfriend in the middle of the night asking if he knew where Marissa was because she never came home going out that night with one of her friends. So he and I went out looking for her and we did end up finding her laying in alley unconscious outside of this 18-21 club my boyfriend used to pick her up from. I watched him fall to his knees and beg her to wake up, then he picked her up and carried her back to our car. I think it was watching them in that moment, that was my final wake up call. It felt like I was watching my life through someone else’s eyes.
But I sucked it up, brought her to the hospital and stayed with them while my boyfriend was talking to her dad and the friend she’d went out with. We found out that she had mixed painkillers with alcohol which is what made her collapse at the club. The dad came over to apologize to me and said that he was in a state of panic and he only called my boyfriend because he was good friend to Marissa. Well after all this was said and done, my boyfriend and I went home and had a long talk. I basically told him that I finally saw this for what it is, that even though I love him, I felt like a 3rd party in our relationship. There were tears and hugs, but he agreed and said I didn’t deserve any of this and that he was truly sorry. So as of right now, he is still living with me as we made an agreement that he can stay until he can get his old apartment back which he is currently working on. We live with each other, but we don’t speak anymore.
I’m heartbroken. I cry when he isn’t home and I’ve barely eaten or slept. The only people I’ve talked to about this so far is a long-distance friend and my mother. I hope the best for my ex bf now, but I can’t imagine why he would put himself through all that. I’m sure she’s a nice girl but she has so many issues, and honestly, I don’t even want to picture them together because it’s a recipe for disaster. Right now, I’m just trying to cope with this because it hurts like hell. Again, I want to thank you all on this forum for helping me out through this.November 2, 2021 at 4:20 pm #929151
@Jennifer, I’m so sorry. But if it’s any consolation, I think you really have made the best and healthiest and most mature choices for yourself in a difficult situation. Adjusting to the change when he moves out will probably hurt some more but I believe things will begin to drastically improve from there. You’ve got this! Other peoples’ issues here are still escalating and not getting better (I hope they seek their own help). You’ve really shown deep respect towards yourself in how you’ve handled it. Hang in there!November 2, 2021 at 5:19 pm #929153
Sorry @Jennifer, You’ve done the right thing…
Take time & heal… Take care of you.November 2, 2021 at 5:57 pm #929154
Aww Jennifer. I’m so very sorry. Well – you played it out to the end so you have no regrets that will nag you in the future.
I’ve known men who need a woman to fix. For some weird reason he feels very responsible for her. He’s awfully young to be doing this and it doesn’t bode well for his future relationships. Some men just can’t cope with healthy women. Furthermore, she’s a pretty big mess and sounds like she’s headed for serious trouble or an OD unless she gets help.
You did the right thing. You deserve a lot better. And I’m glad he sees that too and is letting you go.