Do you see something wrong in this?


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals Do you see something wrong in this?

This topic contains 29 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Emma 2 weeks, 4 days ago.

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  • #777482 Reply

    Mariebelle

    Hello, so I have been working with my boyfriend on and off helping him out in some of his work projects and he pays me, so he gave me his work laptop (not personal, just work) and I was working from there, so I remember I needed to search for a word meaning on google so I opened up mozilla and went to the google bar and when I began typing his search history shows up and I can see that he typed the name of a woman he had a fling with( nothing serious that is) they were just getting to know each other.

    They happened to have met in the work environment in 2017, he talked to me about her a couple of times of how beautiful, supermodel looking she was and that she had this great management job in a luxury building residential ( this is were they actually met) so I started feeling a little insecure and jealous because he talked so highly about her physically speaking that is, yet he told me she was a diva and was always flirting with everybody and other negative aspects about her.

    He told me that he was very glad that god took her out of his way, nevertheless he still has her in facebook and for some reason he always mentions the building were she worked in, or thinks that some random person lives there, so he always ends up mentioning it. He does not know in any way shape or form that I am aware that he has her in facebook and that I know her name as well.

    And now I found out he has searched for her on google on several occasions ( about some months ago and now recently) ,why would this be? Is he still intrigued by this girl after 2 years or he is somewhat still curious/aggravated about her and the fact that nothing happened between them.

    Should I ask him about this? What can I do to understand the reason why he is searching for her. It does not even make sense because he has her facebook. I have a close friend that knows her ex bf and knows her as well and according to my friend she works on another even more luxurious building now.

    #777486 Reply

    Ann

    It’s a little sketchy. Mentioning people we had a past with to our significant other is never a good idea. I’ve done it before and let me tell you my ex will never forget that. What is annoying is how highly he speaks of her I think it’s very disrespectful. Sometimes we’re just curious about searching someone from our past it doesn’t necessarily mean anything. However, if he ever brings her up again you should definitely tell him you don’t think it’s appropriate or respectful, he should understand.

    #777494 Reply

    Lane

    I agree this is really odd and seems to still have an obsession with her.

    We all have pasts and will bring up an ex from time-to-time which is normal especially if you were married or there’s some significant history involved (several years). But someone you were not even in a relationship with, and only had a brief fling with, is super sketchy, and the fact he’s still stalking her online is not something I would sweep in the rug.

    I wouldn’t automatically assume its bad, like an actor type crush where your infatuated with their looks, like a piece of art, but have no desire to actually be with them. She was probably way above his league anyway so I would observe, listen, and pick his brain when he brings her up again to show him you are noticing. If you’re a bold person, like I am, I would ask point blank “are you still crushing, infatuated, obsessed, or in love with her?” This will put him on notice that you are fully aware she exists and might be the shake up he needs to let her go?

    #777514 Reply

    Mariebelle

    @lane Exactly how I feel about this, I was actually talking to a good friend of mine, who studied psychology, and she told me this is not right, like you said he didn’t even have a relationship with her, its like he is obsessed with whatever happened between him, he has talked to me about this girl a couple if times, and he always starts with the this girl was super pretty, she looked like a model, that all the women that lived in the building always told her what an amazing hourglass body she had, all these rich man Driving expensive cars where after her, sending her flowers, messages and so on and then he stars saying all her negative traits and why he did not like her anymore and that she was empty, was too much of a diva.

    He also told me when they met, her boyfriend at that time had dumped her for another woman he had dated in the past and not even 3 months had passed and this man ended up marrying this woman.

    My friend told me that she feels as he fabricates all of these grandiose stories in his head and then makes people believe these made up stories or ME specially like “ oh wow she had all these rich man after her and she choose me and all my coworkers were mad that I started To get to know her and she was the IT thing on that building, maybe he did it to make me insecure and feel below him and below her or for me to say: “ wow he went out with a super beautiful woman.

    #777518 Reply

    Dangerouse

    I think labeling him as obsessed is a little much. Don’t blow it out of proportion in your mind. And don’t mention a word about it. Don’t make it a bigger deal.

    #777943 Reply

    Mariebelle

    @lane Guess what , he searched for her again on google, I’m still working on his laptop and have to use google ( I’m not snooping at all) and she appears searched for as most recent like 2 days ago.

    I would love to know what is going on in here? I’m sorry but this does not look normal.

    I’m in shock right now cause there is an event that I want my boyfriend and I to go to for a long time now and I signed up for it in facebook events, and she happens to be going to this same event as well

    #777944 Reply

    Mariebelle

    @Ann, it’s like an ego thing going on with him, I actually told this situation to a good friend of mine that studied psychology and she says that she feels that there is more to this story, like maybe they did not have a relationship but since they saw each other everyday during the time he worked on the building that she works in perhaps, he got very excited about this whole situation with her and went too deep in based on looks and like you said the fact that every rich/ millionaire men was chasing after her, he somehow felt the winner that she indeed liked him, flirt with him. And went out with him.

    But then he realized she was not what he imagined, she was just looks, a diva, and shallow perhaps.

    Another thing he told me is that they almost had sex, mind you when he met this girl her ego was really hurt, her boyfriend had just dumped her for another woman and then married that woman right away, so I bet this was a low blow for this girl. So in my mind heartbroken women (some) tend to do this thing of looking for affection just to alleviate their hurt ego.

    So one night they went out they went to my boyfriends apt, drink wine, dance and almost had sex BUT according to my boyfriend he rejected her, cause when they first went out she cried to him and told him “ please don’t play with me or treat me like that man or men did. So this is why he rejected her and they did not end up having sex.

    And then the day after this when they saw each other at work he recalls that she gave him this look of hatred and he knew that it was not going any further, like if she was really pissed off. Then they grew apart, then started talking again, but it just did not go anywhere at all. I guess she lost interest in him after what happened and he realized he was getting to hot and heavy with her and she was just emotionally unavailable plus very hurt about her being dumped by her ex.

    #778036 Reply

    Vera

    I don’t think you should bring it up yet .
    When is the event ? Are you going ?

    #778039 Reply

    Ames

    You’re becoming a bit obsessed with searching his computer. I don’t blame you because I can be OCD too but let me tell you it accomplishes nothing and makes you anxious and miserable. Why is he googling her? That’s weird..can’t he just look at her FB pics if they’re friends? It seems like he is infatuate with her like we can sometimes be with celebrities who are out of our league and highly attractive. But its not really fair to you..I would try to not let it affect your self esteem. He’s with you for a reason–he likes/loves you. If you tell him you went through his search history, he will probably be mad and feel you violated his privacy. Either way…you know him better than any of we do. Maybe you can bring it up in a nonchalant/laid back manner and see how he reacts. Best of luck…

    #778053 Reply

    Mariebelle

    @Vera Hi, no I have not bring it up yet, yes I will go to the event, it’s on Friday December 6th.

    Do you think is a good idea to go? My psychologist friend told me to go and that will be the day I will know everything and the ice will be broken, plus she told me, that In that way I will see his reactions/ body language when he sees her.

    She also said to dress up better than ever and look fab.

    #778054 Reply

    Vera

    Yes! Totally! Until then do not bring it up, and don’t bring it up then either .
    See how he reacts when you talk about the party and definitely watch how he is with her there .

    #778056 Reply

    Mariebelle

    @vera , my friend who happens to be funny as heck told I can’t wait to grab my popcorn and see what happens that day when he sees her and she sees you both.

    Do you think that I should dress to impress? Or go normal, my friend told me to wear a dress that show my curves.

    #778057 Reply

    Mariebelle

    @Vera , he actually does not know that she will be there, neither does he know about this party at all. It’s just an event that happens at the beginning of every month and it’s popular here where I live, very mellow, live music, lots of restaurants. Etc.

    #778058 Reply

    Newbie

    If you take the girl out of this for a second, how is he with you?
    – treating you as a gf/confident
    -talking about future plans with you?
    – spending time with you
    – noticing your looks
    – introducing you to friends and family
    – does he say he loves you

    And how is he as a person? I cant help think he sounds like a shallow and insecure person to me. I mean bringing up this goddess creature to you every time and even telling how he rejected her.

    If he does score good in the questions i posted, i would for sure ask him how he feels about this woman since he keeps bringing her up. If most of the questions have a negative, i would really question if you are in the right relationship

    #778061 Reply

    Newbie

    I would also check his outlook on life Inc general. He sounds obsessed with luxury. What is that about? I have a feeling your psych friend is maybe on to something with him fabricating stories. To me there is just something off about him

    #778064 Reply

    Vera

    Yes I mean I think you should dress nice but that’s not what’s going to make a difference – it’s not really a competition between you and her . The point is to see how he is around her .

    I agree with Newbie above – this isn’t what you originally came for but – he doesn’t sound like a great guy if he is indeed superficial and immature with all these comments – but only you know how he treats you and does matter most

    #778066 Reply

    Newbie

    Yeah im aware my posts are outside the scope of your questions but i do think they are very relevant for you to judge your bf right. Lets assume this guy has a crush on her but is not acting on it. Just telling over and over how she was this and that. By itself going to a party and see how he reacts wont solve much of your questions. Imagine he acts a bit flustered. Then what?
    When i met my man he had a crush on a girl that lingered on as a sort of fantasy i guess. I wasnt aware. But when i asked some innocent question about his past, this girl turned up. He didnt want to say much about it. After a year he told me more. But it wasnt very interesting. She was way out of his league, married a man and they got 5 kids. But by then he also realized they really didnt have much in common, in a way we had by now. So i overwrote those memories without knowing it.
    So what im saying is that in the end its about your relationship and the bond you have. If its strong, you can just ask him how he feels about her and you can even say she popped up on your Google search. You dont need to dress up to gauge a reaction, except for the popcorn. Good luck

    #779217 Reply

    Mariebelle

    @Newbie, I just wonder if I am good enough for him, and if he truly truly loves me. Ever since he mentioned this girl it has made me really insecure in my relationship with him, making me feel belittled, I went from feeling like his princess at the beginning to feeling like sh*%,.

    This is how powerful the mind can be if we are weak, look how easily he dragged me into his story and now im obsessed and i secure. Maybe another woman does not give a dam about it, but they way he told me everything was so belittling to me, I remember that we had gone to eat and afterwards I felt sick to my stomach. Very unpleasant.

    Oh and he then subtly started saying but you are younger than her, you have a nice heart., blah,blah….

    But a normal bf would have said but you are way more beautiful not only to make the gf feel good, but specially if its the truth.

    Whatever he planned wether it was to make me jealous, insecure, he achieved, as I said before the mind is very powerful especially in these situations.

    #779222 Reply

    Newbie

    A normal bf would have never compared you with her saying dumb stuff like ‘but you are younger’ bla bla. But, just to be sure: how many times has he actually talked like this about her? What im saying next is based on my assumption that its been frequent and not just one time.
    He sounds like a pompous shallow inflated frog. And obsessed with looks and money. What even makes him a guy you want to be with? Do you have the guts to realize you deserve better? I would trade him in for a better model and let him do his own work and go chase the model types

    #779229 Reply

    Vera

    Yeah his comments would not fly with me. He doesn’t seem to value women the way he should . I agree that you should seriously consider whether you want to be in this relationship.

    #779253 Reply

    Mariebelle

    @Vera ooo and I forgot to mentioned, you might be shock, but the first time we went out (1st date that is) he took me to the building she works in, it was at night, he wanted to show me the roof so we can see the whole city on top and the beach which is right there. And when the security let us in( they knew him as one of the engineers that work on the building maintenance) this girl happens to be part of the management team of this building so we went to the front desk and he started talking to the concierge guy and asking about all the people that worked there, including her.

    Then 2 weeks after he took me to the building again and asked for them again, including HER.

    Then months later he was like oh I want to go and say hi to my friends at so and so,,,, so he took me again.

    So my question is it normal to do this on a first date? And him wanting to take me to the building were this girl worked?

    For what reason especially so I can see her and get jealous or for her to see me with him? What was the purpose of all these times we went to this place?

    #779419 Reply

    Vera

    What he did on the first date doesn’t matter at this point . He’s either infatuated with her or he’s not. I think you are looking at the wrong thing here . Don’t focus on her . At the root of your concern is the concern that maybe he does not care for you the way you deserve to be cared for . Doesn’t matter if it’s because of the girl . Pay attention to how he treats you.
    On a first date he didn’t know you, and sure maybe he wanted to show you something linked with her – that in itself doesn’t mean anything . But that combined with the other stuff is concerning . Do some investigating if that makes you feel better – I know I would go to that party and observe his actions around her . But really if he sucks as a bf I would seriously consider dropping him . If you’re not ready for that time now it’s ok, time will tell..

    #779422 Reply

    Better off single

    Do you think he is using you to make her jealous?

    Having you next to him as arm candy to make him look like he’s more desirable to her, because somewhere in his twisted mind, she will confess she has feelings for him or something?

    If it feels off, you are probably right. Run.

    #779423 Reply

    Better off single

    If it backfires on him at least he still has you.

    He’s taking you on dates, spending his time with you and such.

    #779424 Reply

    Lane

    I’m not one to beat around the bush and put it out there to be discussed if I am having an issue with something or someone. Listen, life is too short to not be completely secure in a relationship and feel comfortable talking about a range of topics without upsetting a guy. If he’s going to be all upset it has a literal meaning, in that, you hit a nerve or they would be totally honest and upfront with you—its the one’s who aren’t that will never make you feel secure and who wants that kind of relationship?

    Don’t ever let a man turn it around on you like your crazy or something. Hold steadfast and make sure you ask in a very direct manner such as “I think you are still obsessed with this woman and I have a right to know what what the real deal is with her? If he can’t or won’t answer, or tries to make you out to be crazy, then pick your stuff up and walk out. Men understand ACTION and that if the two of you can’t get to the bottom of it or work it out then what do you really have?

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