Direction with Moving on.


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This topic contains 4 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  mama 3 weeks, 3 days ago.

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  • #856893 Reply

    Lucy

    When you finally admit to yourself that you invested too much time, love and energy into someone that just doesn’t feel the same, how do you go about normal communication? He’s still my friend, but Ive decided to try the no initiation contact. Id like to leave it up to him to keep in touch, so I know he isn’t great at making effort, but when he does, hes an amazing friend. Problem is, I seem to keep feeling selfish about it and wondering why I should have to be the same loving caring person I am now when I am not getting what I want. I have no reason to not be his friend. He was just honest with me about not feeling as strongly as I so I feel like a total d*** if I just stopped being his friend. I am stuck and don’t know if I should just be indifferent when he does call, or what I should do.

    #856896 Reply

    Gaia

    You don’t. At least not for a bit of time. You should go no contact until you resolve your own feelings and then entertain the possibility of friendship. Otherwise you’ll just hurt yourself by continuing to love someone without it being given back to you.

    #856909 Reply

    mama

    I think you are confusing selfishness with self respect. They are not the same thing but are easily conflated when trying to determine your own needs.

    It’s okay to walk away, stop investing time/energy into someone who isn’t doing the same for you. It sounds like he was clear that you aren’t what he wants romantically but wants to be friends.

    You are not selfish in thinking about your own needs. He doesn’t need to do or be anything horrible for you to stop being his friend. You don’t need to be a “d***” about it, but next time he reaches out, let him know that you need some time on your own to heal, get your mind and heart in a better place and then MAYBE you will be ready for friendly banter with the guy. This is about YOU, not him.

    [Personal sidebar/analogy: I was in a relationship with a guy who was really good at breaking up with me. He didn’t feel as strongly about me as I did him but no hard feelings and as “friends”. And then he would pop into my life every now and then, JUST as I was moving on and it would put me in emotional turmoil. I finally told him to please stop contacting me, that it hurt whenever he did that, and that I would reach out when I was ready. He had no idea he had that effect on me. I got some professional guidance on how to move on and by the time I was in a better place, I realized I really didn’t want to talk to him again. It was a very freeing moment. I didn’t want or need someone like that in my life anymore.]

    I suggest blocking him or even telling him THEN blocking him (without the opportunity of rebuttal on his part) that you won’t be talking with him for a while. Then do the work with moving on and out from under his influence. You can’t move on while you still have a hopeful toe in the water of this failed relationship. He can’t have his cake and eat it too. You are worthy of good friendships, but not at the price of your own self worth.

    Just my two cents. I wish you well.

    #856922 Reply

    Lucy

    Thanks for the great advice, I think you are right mama.. I think I am trying to be a good friend as well as learn my boundaries. How did you learn to move on? Did you just go no contact? Any help is appreciated now, because I still have the hopeful toe that if I could be better, or just show how important I can be to him that he will change his mind.. and it hurts and it sucks.

    #856930 Reply

    mama

    I gave you specific advice in my comment above, but yes you do need to draw some boundaries for your own healing. Of course it hurts, and it will for a while but there is a way to deal with that.

    There are a few other very wise posters here who will give you more specific tips, but I suggest cutting off contact first and immediately. You control that, not him. And this is about YOU, not him.

    Actions first, feelings will follow. ;) Moving on means cutting off that option of contact and filling your life with more fulfilling ventures. Fill your days with distraction as well as reflection. You’ll learn a lot about yourself in both. Make a list, a schedule, get some therapy to help you with this. You are breaking a bad habit — that guy is a bad habit and you can break your dependence on him.

    The first thing you can do is ask of yourself: Why are you willing to try to convince someone you are worthy of their love when they’ve already made it clear that they don’t want you? Here’s the thing: It’s not about YOU. You are worthy regardless of their wants and needs. They just don’t want you for whatever reason that has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. You cannot and will not change that fact, regardless of what you do. So stop trying. Cut off contact because it’s obviously triggering you to spiral into some deep hole of doubt.

    You need space from that guy in order to heal. A lot of space. Put yourself first — he’s quite fine and doesn’t need your hand holding. It’s time for you to take care of yourself.

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