Did I do the right thing?


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals Did I do the right thing?

This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Alexa 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #820192 Reply

    Irene

    Hi guys,

    It’s been just over 3 months that my ex and I broke up. We dated for 2 years. It was a mutual break up but I guess it was more on his end that he wanted to break things off. His reasons were that we don’t have a lot in common and don’t know why all of a sudden the wheels have stopped turning. I respected that and did not beg him to give the relationship another go as I feel it will be forced to try work things out and we probably won’t be happy anyway. He was extremely emotional and did say he is scared he will regret his decision one day but said this decision would be fair for me.

    Overall our relationship is healthy enough and we hardly fight. More just small arguments. Due to Covid that his hours at work had cut down a lot meaning less in income so he was struggling financially. I tried to help and support where ever I can. In the end I felt he became distant towards our relationship and that’s when I initiated the ‘space/ break up’ talk.

    My ex does have a bit of a mood swing and likes to keep his problems to himself.

    I’ve been coping well but I still miss and love him. Overall I can see that I am improving.

    Anyways, out of the blue, he messaged me tonight and said that his been arguing with himself For weeks to whether to msg me or not and wanting to give me more space and ask me how I’ve been going.

    I responded a bit later. I kept the message short and sweet.
    He responded back and ended with ‘you probably wouldn’t want me to say this, but I miss you. Sorry.’

    I didn’t respond back because I don’t know how to and I’m not planning to.

    Part of me wants to go back to him but a bigger part of me doesn’t because it’s just too painful and no one can guarantee that this time round things will workout and we will live happily ever after.

    Is this the right approach?

    Thanks for reading this.

    #820198 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. But from what you’re saying this guy isn’t asking you to come back. He’s saying he misses you. That’s not the same thing.

    I don’t understand why he ended things with you. He says you don’t have enough in common, it took him 2 years to realize that?

    I think you are taking the right approach. You sound very level-headed. I’m glad to hear you are healing and improving. I don’t think this guy deserves to be cut a lot of slack because frankly his reasons for breaking up are very fuzzy. It sounds to me like he tossed the relationship away after investing 2 years together. And now he’s contacting you but again, it’s fuzzy, he’s not saying he wants to see you or try again. He just doesn’t seem very clear-minded about things.

    You deserve to be with someone who is certain he loves you and wants to be with you. This guy just seems flaky. And unless he examines and addresses the reasons for ending his relationship with you, you will always be walking on eggshells wondering if he will wake up one day and decide you “don’t have enough in common”.

    So yes, I think you are taking the right approach. I know it hurts to end a relationship, especially a long term relationship. But to try again and get back together after a relationship ends, you really have to resolve the issues that caused the breakup. It doesn’t seem like this guy is trying to seek clarity or resolve the situation. So please don’t let him drag you back or hinder your healing.

    #820230 Reply

    Newbie

    I fully agree with everything liz said and also applaud you for not running back. I like to add one little thing but maybe thats my own twisted mind today. I dont like his statement:,you maybe dont like to hear me say it, but i miss you. Sorry. I dont know how you feel about it but to me it sounds fake. Why say sorry In the same sentence you are doing it? But more importantly, its like he is counting om the fact you were more into him than the other way around. So to me the wording is totally off. Anything sincere should at least be a phone call and some sort of insight in his emotions. But again maybe im reading more into it than it is. I would definitely not respond (well thats a lie, i said on this forum before i can be quite nasty so i would respond with: i dont mind you saying you miss me at all. Who wouldnt? Or something wittier up to the point that its totally true and witty, that takes some thinking as you dont want to sound fake like he is) ignore my last sentences. Just keep moving on. You will be fine

    #820241 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Missing does not equal wanting to try again. Good for you for ignoring this malarkey. At 3 months if they come back it should be an in or out policy. Quality women have no time to entertain silly boys who do things without intention.

    #820301 Reply

    Irene

    Thanks so much for responding back ladies.

    I won’t respond back but i am a little sad. I was doing so well, i don’t mind him messaging me, it’s good to know what his been up to. We didn’t end in bad terms. But to add the I miss you part just hurts me. Why say it now after 3 months?! I don’t need to know.

    Thanks again for helping out girls! :)

    #820323 Reply

    Alexa

    There was a guy I was acquainted/friendsish with. We will call him Kyle. We met in a one week missionary school. I thought he was cute and wanted to talk to him. I just got to talk to him once. I recognized his last name and I was like is your cousin so and so I hung out with her once thru a mutual friend. Anyways its a small world in a relgious community. He is a stereotypical nice guy Infj if your into Mbti. Im a Enfp. He is four was four years younger than me. I was 25/26 he was 21/22. I ran into him again at a gathering barely got to talk to him. I ran into him at his place of worship where my girlfriend goes. A 1.5 year later Didnt realize he went there. He told me to get his number from his best guy friend so I can invite him to gatherings directly. I invited him and his best friend to a gathering bc they both were at the missionary school. He had plans so only his bestfriend came. Then I invited him to something else but he had plans with his family. Im my mind I decided I wanted to get to knkw him slowly from time to time and be his friend bc sometimes its nice to have guys as my friends. Fast forward six months later to February I had a friend breakup with a guy who didnt want to be apart of the faith anymore we were just friends but that broke my heart they didnt want to be a Christian anymore. We had a bad break. I thought of Kyle and decided to txt him bc he is cute and nice and i dont know alot of guys. My first mistake bc i was chasing him. Reading signals wrong i tricked myself into thinking he liked me. I tried to make plans to get together in a group but our schedules werent compatible at all. Then I tried again later on but he said he was diagnosed with Aggressive Crohn’s disease and that he has to wait til he is stable to get together. Then Covid-19 happened. I always txted him first he almost always replied…his txts were detailed…he said he would pray for my sisters who were nurses and other kind things. But he never intiated txts except once to vent about work. I didnt get the correct signs. We txted non stop for two months he told me farewell I didnt get it. He ignored a few txts from me for three months. I wondered if something bad happened to him bc his illness. In three months I txted him once a month. Once to check in see if he was ok and to encourage him if he lost his job. Once to apologize if it seemed I put pressure on him to hangout given his circumstances and another time i txted him asking if he felt i was bothering him. After three months and three txts he finally responded. Oh no Alexa!Oh no u probably think im rude. Your not bothering me i just had some work and health junk going on. Your not bothering me. So i replied hours later ok glad to hear ur ok i thought something bad happened to you. Then a few weeks later i called him out for ignoring me for three months bc that is so disrespectful. The fact that he is also a bad txter should of been a red flag that he was interested in me. But he was like ur right…it wont happen again…im sorry…so then i decided to have a gathering via zoom and invite my friends and him…He agreed to come.He came! By that time I was so frustrated that i was going back and forth with him for three months and still not knowing where I stood with him. If he liked me as a friend or more. So I decided to email him explaining how I felt and I wanted a clear answer from him. I also let him know I wasn’t trying to put pressure on him and that I know he has been thru alot that year and wasn’t trying to add to that. I was direct and straight to the point and not mushy at all. But I was also like if you don’t feel the same about me Im not trying to be rude but I dont want to be friends. His reply was nice, he said good things about me. But he also said he doesnt think he is the right guy for me and he doesn’t feel our friendship could progress into a romantic relationship. So I was glad to get a clear direct answer that wasn’t fuzzy. Do you think im a cold piece for not wanting to be friends? I know what I can and cant handle. Also I dont settle for what I dont want. What do you think of him ignoring me for three months? He also ended the email letter with please take care. What do you think of the situation? Also I realize I was chasing him and that was my first mistake. I realized that its a bad habit of mine and in my faith it will keep my single. I also know I have a pattern of being attracted to guys who dont like me and it has to do with my traumatic upbringing and I need to increase my self worth even though i do well in other areas. So I dont want to date right now but continue working on myself.

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