Deep Feelings and Missing Me…That Means What, Exactly?


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  • #441945 Reply
    Erin

    My guy and I have been involved for over a year now. We dated for eight months straight, broke up for a month due to complications, and then decided to try again, albeit casually this time. Like most guys, he’s not very expressive about his feelings, but occasionally he will speak up. He tells me he loves me very much, he feels peaceful when I am around, he likes having me around. We have been having some problems lately and the other day we were talking. He told me he cares for me and he loves me. He also told me that he misses me more than he is comfortable with when we are apart. I was not entirely sure how to take that, and he told me it was a compliment and that his feelings run deep.

    My question is, is that really a compliment? Missing me more than he’s comfortable with? And what exactly does “deep feelings” mean?

    #441958 Reply
    Hannah

    Why don’t you ask him? We can all guess but only he has the answer.

    #441959 Reply
    Hannah

    Sorry I didn’t mean to press send then!

    I was going to say it sounds like he loves you but is someone that’s not comfortable with those feelings. Love makes us feel vulnerable and some people hate to feel vulnerable.

    Has he ever done anything to make you distrust him?

    #441963 Reply
    Misty

    It means keep doing whatever you are and behaving the way you have been that prompted him to tell you that because what it really means is that he feels safe with you. That means he is so in love with you that he’s overwhelmed by his own feelings.

    Don’t be too surprised if he pops the question soon. He’s scared because it is a huge step but he also is feeling like he has to take it or never be able to wake up next to you again…that’s where the missing you more than he is comfortable with comes in…

    #442019 Reply
    Erin

    Hannah: thanks for the reply. Yes, he has done a few things to make me distrust him, hence our breakup and the complications. And right after he said that about his feelings running deep and it being a compliment, he tried to lighten the mood and make a joke. I’d think you are definitely right about him not being comfortable with those feelings. Since he said those things our conversations have been extremely silly though he’s been very flirty at the same time.

    Misty: thank you. I’d like to think he is…except when I mentioned we’ve been having problems lately, the problem is that, as we are casual for now, he is wanting to date someone else. The bigger problem with that is he tells me everything mentioned above, but he has said there has been talk between him and this other lady about her being his girlfriend. His excuse is that, though he loves me very much, he is looking for a mother figure for his kids…yet, he also told me that somehow she has a lot to prove before he can fully commit to her.

    With all that said (and I should have first mentioned it, didn’t really know how to last night), what am I supposed to make of him? He loves me yet he’s pulling that? I’d like to think his heart is telling him one thing (me) but he thinks he has to do something else. That’s the nice way of putting it, in my mind, anyhow. The cynical version…well.

    #442021 Reply
    kaye

    You only broke up for a month and there is already another woman in the picture who he’s talking about making his girlfriend? And he wants a mother figure for his kids but he doesn’t think you’re it but he tells you she has a lot to prove before he can commit to her? I think we’re missing part of the story here. Is this a an ex he has gotten back with like you? Is there any history there? I think you have to look at his actions more than what he says. If his actions are him seeing another woman then to me that makes his words of I love you and I miss you totally irrelevant and meaningless.

    #442025 Reply
    Vanessa

    Wow, this guy is acting like the prize. Why even continue to date him if he’s considering someone else? And is openly telling you about her?? And is he basically telling you you’re not a good mother figure? Now I’m confused.

    #442079 Reply
    Erin

    kaye: we broke up in February and started casually seeing each other again in March. All of this with the other woman just came out end of June/this month. From what I understand this woman is someone new, not an ex or anyone like that. He has been talking to her for a few months and they have seen each other a few times (she lives in another state for now). I was okay with that, because again, casual. But what I can’t understand is: how is it she has a lot to prove before he can fully commit to her? If he’s already talking about her being his girlfriend? What’s there to prove? Just talking about that seems to already imply some form of commitment, right? And I asked him, “wait, so you say you love me and all of that, you can’t stay away from me, but you’re talking bf/gf with her? You can’t truly love me and have her for a girlfriend; if you did, wouldn’t I be your girlfriend again?” He tried to tell me that if he didn’t have kids, things would be totally different and that he truly enjoys being with me. But in contrast, he has also said he wants me to meet the kids and that I would get along with them.

    vanessa: I’m confused too. I had had a feeling he was seeing someone else, but since we were casual, I was okay with it. I finally asked him about her and he did tell me and told me the previously mentioned info- that she was not his girlfriend but they had discussed such possibly happening in the future. His excuse is that he needs someone to help raise his children (I don’t quite understand why; given the custody arrangement he only gets them every other week for three days and when he has vacation time); he has never directly said I would not be a good mother figure. But when we have been together, he tells me about the kids, he’s asked for advice about them before, we’ve joked how I would be their friend for life given that I have vintage action figures from my childhood that they would like. Yet he is not certain since he claims he needs someone and that is what causes him conflict about the two of us.

    Since all of that, he has said the original stuff: “I miss you more than I am comfortable with when we are apart” and “Yes, that’s a compliment. Means my feelings run deep.” He has been on vacation with his kids this whole week and has texted me more than normal. So I feel like the answer should be staring me in the face but I am conflicted and confused.

    #442083 Reply
    kaye

    I’m really puzzled by the comment that if he didn’t have kids things would be totally different. Obviously there is something he is looking for that he thinks is lacking but he feels like this other woman may have. The fact he was still looking for that and started things with another woman while the two of you started to see each other again bothers me. If he is discussing her potential as a girlfriend, a commitment with her and needing a mother for his children but he isn’t discussing those things with you then I would be walk away. You are setting yourself up for further heartbreak.

    #442091 Reply
    SnarkySab

    Erin,

    This guy is either playing games, or he is so confused he doesn’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt. My cynical self says he’s playing games.

    If a man says he can’t choose between me and another woman, I’m the type of person that says, “Let me make the choice for you; I withdraw. I want a man who knows what he wants and that wants me, and that man is obviously not you.” Then, wish him well with his new relationship and cut contact; if you don’t completely cut contact, he’ll try to reel you back in with sweet words and promises, but he’ll pull the same thing again later on down the road.

    #442108 Reply
    Erin

    kaye: I am too. I don’t see how things would be that different given that they do not live with him on a regular basis. I was even perfectly fine with the fact that they come (and should always come) first. IF he truly means it, I don’t see how they make that much of a difference. Especially if he has said off and on, the entire time he’s known me, that he wishes I could meet them.

    I will never understand his remark about her proving herself. If they have already talked about such, what’s left to prove? I was hoping someone else not so close to the situation could maybe see it and clue me in. Oh well.

    SnarkySab: “or he is so confused he doesn’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.” Thank you, I needed that laugh!

    My cynical self is of a similar mind. For my own curiosity’s sake I wish I knew what the heck he’s thinking. He has said he wants to talk when he gets back from vacation and the children are with their mother, where we can talk one on one. I have a feeling I know how it’s going to go and will have to go.

    #442115 Reply
    Greenie

    I’m not sure what’s so confusing here… all I see is a man trying to hold onto something casual, because, well… let’s face it, it works for him!

    If that’s cool for you, and if you don’t mind being a casual side portion while he pursues a girlfriend relationship with someone else, then go for it. That in itself would be a deal breaker for me. I require an exclusive relationship with things progressing forward at a slow but predictable pace.

    This man has a lot of excuses and disclaimers… “I love you, but…”. “If I didn’t have kids, then…”. Don’t you deserve more? Why are you settling for crumbs?

    #442130 Reply
    Misty

    Erin,

    Mine broke up with me to be with another woman. He came running back to me and made sure this time we were exclusive because he saw what all the other women out there are really like. Controlling, pushy, insecure, and worst of all…no self-esteem whatsoever..that is the same reason YOUR GUY is going to come running back to you.

    Your man probably WAS A PLAYER but he played himself right into loving you…against his own brain…the soul and the heart cried out for you even though his brain is telling him right now, you CAN’T BE THE ONLY ONE…he’ll find out soon enough that YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE FOR HIM.

    Let him date others…that’s the best thing you can do…go on and live your life and see him if you feel like it. Not if you don’t. He’s not going to go off with anyone else….

    #442142 Reply
    pamela

    Misty, while you are very optimistic, and that is a good trait, you can not always compare your relationship, and your man with every situation on this forum. Be glad you are the exception to the rule.

    You going on about how the sun shines out of your guy’s behind gets a bit tiring, and frankly it sounds more like bullshit

    Now after reading all that Erin has mentioned, are you still suggesting she should just wait for him to pop the question?

    Go write a novel about your “Mr Wonderful” but everyone situation is different.

    #442143 Reply
    pamela

    *everyone’s

    #442146 Reply
    Misty

    Most situations are only situations because people choose to hide behind the fears they have. People are the same world over. You are not so unique and your situation not so different than mine or anyone else’s in the end…

    The questions always are: Do you love him? Does he love you? Are you compatible? Are you not? That’s it. There’s no “situation” really.

    Until you learn to accept that everyone is basically the same all over, and you learn to kill your own ego, you’ll always feel like a loser and feel no one truly understands you.

    Get over your own ego and become self aware. It will open your eyes to wonders in this world that you never thought existed.

    #442159 Reply
    Erin

    Guys: stay on topic, please. If you two have issues, please take it to PM (if this site has that feature). Thanks.

    That said, I am grateful for all the responses so far, it’s helped me. Fresh sets of eyes are much appreciated. Thank you, everyone.

    Pamela: I would welcome your thoughts as well. What say you?

    Misty: given everything that I added since your initial response, what else do you say? I appreciate and admire your optimism…but I don’t think it’s that simple.

    #442170 Reply
    Misty

    Hey Erin,

    If his actions are loving but the words aren’t always there, can you deal with it? That’s the most important question you can ask yourself. Depending on your honest answer to yourself (you don’t have to post it), what action you should take or not take will become clear to you.

    In the end it does come down to the question of unconditional love in a relationship context. That is what this guy is going to need. If you cannot give it to him, it’s best to walk away. If you can, I will guarantee it is worth the wait….

    #442174 Reply
    Erin

    Misty: he’s always known how I feel about him. He’s never had to ask (I suppose he should have-might have helped me out. Oh well).

    “If his actions are loving but the words aren’t always there, can you deal with it?”

    Lately it’s been the reverse. His words have been loving, but his actions are up in the air. A few weeks ago they matched- he took care of me one night when I got sick at his place, one week I was at his place almost every night (and not always did we have sex, to be blunt) and he got upset when I did not want to spend the night a few times or had made other plans where I couldn’t be with him. And there’s what I said about him texting me this week while he’s been on vacation, he took time to talk to me. But…it’s been mixed. And I know/have read one should judge a guy by his actions, not always his words.

    “In the end it does come down to the question of unconditional love in a relationship context. That is what this guy is going to need. If you cannot give it to him, it’s best to walk away. If you can, I will guarantee it is worth the wait….”

    So…I’m supposed to stick by him while he goes through his silly line of thinking with the other woman? Not trying to be snarky, I just want to make sure I understand you correctly. I have been rather up-and-down about all this, especially after the words he uttered that started this whole thread.

    #442177 Reply
    Erin

    (in case you hadn’t figured it out, my cynical side and my optimistic side clash in regard to him. I do love him and care about him, but I know I need to think of myself AND not settle for less)

    #442178 Reply
    Misty

    If you truly love him and want to be with him, yeah, you kinda do. If you’re not sure of your love for him, then walk away. I was sure of his love for me because while he was dating his “girlfriend”, he was still sneaking over to my place to just visit…sometimes sex, a lot of times, just to talk and chill out with me. When he was lying to her about him being home instead of still out of town, I knew I had him.

    You’re going to have to trust your own gut and intuition on this. Honestly, no one can give you the perfect scenario or magic answer. We can all just share our own experiences and understand that if it resonates with you, you can follow that advice, if it doesn’t, then you have free will to choose your own path.

    #442202 Reply
    Vickie

    Dear Erin,

    I feel you, you are confused now for sure.
    All the advices here are just general advices, base on each individual experiences, perceptions. You are the only one who knows exactly what is happening and you are in the situation.
    Most of the time men live by the moments. When he said these things, he was in the moment. After getting out of the moments, if the actions and words will match and consistent, then it is the truth. However, if his moments pop in here and there and were not followed thoroughly from time to time, then they are just the moments.
    I agree with most of the ladies here. He is not necessarily a player or bad person but he is definitely not 100% there for you.
    Usually when men or women seeing more than one person, we will not be direct about it. If he is seeing someone and let you know about it, he thinks you already has you, you will never leave him. When this happens in the men mind, you will end up with being heart broken.
    I feel sad for you when reading your posts. You have questions after questions….why on Earth we, women, have to deal with these confusions. My suggestion is STOP asking us, and yourself questions after questions. He is the only one who knows the exact answers. Please sit down and talk to him, ask him the questions you have here. Tell him you would like to be exclusive. If he chooses you, then great. If he is still being wishy-washy, be ready to walk away. I mean WALK away. Then you have a chance for him to chase you. If he does not chase you back, he is not right for you. You might be heartache if he chooses her but you will get over it, better know sooner than later. Go date other men and you will find the the right one for you. Or you might have him 100% yours. Either way, does not matter what the outcome is, you will win for your life ahead of you.
    I will always support you, my thoughts are there for you, be strong girl.

    #442218 Reply
    redcurleysue

    Hi Erin,

    I don’t know about you but I want all of a man. I don’t want part but all.

    If a man is wavering between two relationships then you do not have all…and perhaps never will…is that what you want?

    It does not matter that you love him…he has to love you back, fully, completely.

    I say this is not for any woman (or man for that matter) – say goodbye to the “confused one”.

    #442283 Reply
    Erin

    Misty: I am sure of how I feel about him. Even when I have been furious with him over things, and I did get very upset about the talk of this other woman becoming the girlfriend given that it juxtaposed against his words and actions with me, that has not changed. Makes things a bit difficult for me, if that makes any sense.

    Vickie: I read your words last night before lying down. I was upset over the whole things and they made me feel better and peaceful (which in turn got me to sleep easily), so I am grateful for that. And I agree, it’s not like he’s some evil jerk out to get me. We have had our disagreements in the past yet he insists he can’t simply leave or walk away. There have been times where it’s gotten so bad that I have told him to quit saying I love you, that he doesn’t mean it (this usually happens when I run away with my own emotions and don’t think straight). And he has said he can’t and won’t.

    I think you are right: he thinks he’s got me and that I’m going to just get upset and then calm down and then we will be back to square one. Except we really can’t. I even told him, “am I supposed to be happy for you? That some time in the near future you’re wanting her to be your girlfriend?” And that was when he suggested sitting down and talking about it.

    redcurleysue (love the name!): that’s what I’ve thought. I love him, I care about him…but I want it to be reciprocated. When we first started to try again, back in March, every time we were together he’d say “I love you.” And given that I was still smarting a little from the complications that broke us up, I’d be skeptical and brush it off (though I did want to say it back, but at the same time I was trying to guard myself). I’d ask him, “why?” And he’d say “I just do.” I’ve wondered if he knows what he wants, but he doesn’t want to tell me because I might not like the answer. I’d rather have the honesty than feel like I’m not entirely good enough, hence this other lady.

    Again, I very much appreciate all the answers! I never thought I’d get this many responses, so thank you all!

    #443472 Reply
    Erin

    So…given what just happened, I thought this thread merited an update. The last couple of days I have been distant, almost withdrawn, with him. And he has definitely noticed. He asked me if I could come over tonight. I told him no, but tomorrow was do-able. And he hinted at us…doing things. I told him I would do none of that, that such was up to his future girlfriend, and I said such with no malice or spite. And I told him that if it had already been decided that they were going to be a couple, why should I compete?

    Guess who got mad?

    I flat out told him he had no reason to be mad at me, that he had told me he was conflicted and that there had been talk of her being his girlfriend. He immediately backtracked and started saying I was right, and he was sorry, and that he missed me a lot (I should note: he hasn’t seen me in almost two weeks). But I was not done. I told him he had no right to get mad at me; that no one had forced him to find her and choose her; I did miss him as well and love him but I would not compete with this other woman. He turned around and said he understood. And just to drive it home, I said he could not have both of us, no matter how much I cared. I could not decide things for him and it was up to him.

    I don’t quite think he was expecting me to respond like I did. Otherwise why else would he have gotten mad? But I stand by everything I said. And I have you ladies to thank for it.

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