Dating advice needed – please help


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This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  ANM Staff 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #780054 Reply

    Jane

    I have been talking to a guy I met on a dating app for about 6 weeks and we have had five dates so far.
    Our last date was yesterday – who should text who afterwards? I find myself getting very anxious after I haven’t heard from him for a while which I know is ridiculous, but I just can’t help worrying that he has got bored or lost interest. I don’t want to be texting him too much because I know that this could come across as desperate or needy and push him away.

    Normally we exchange a few texts a day and it has been 50/50 initiating it. After our fourth date I text first the next day to say thank you for buying me dinner. Should I text first today after our fifth date or should I leave it and see if he makes contact? I have no idea if he is interested in me and feel very anxious about the whole situation which I know is stupid because I haven’t even known him that long!

    #780055 Reply

    Lane

    You really need to stop this incessant overthinking and let it play out naturally or your anxiety is going to start sending off a negative vibe that increases the pressure to the point the man starts feeling it and instinctively pulls back when it starts getting *too serious.*

    He is still a stranger, someone you hardly know and need to treat him like all the other strangers you meet in your life, whether they are male or female. People can be on good behavior for a short bit, until their mask they present to the world begins to crack and you start noticing they may be the person they are presenting themselves to be. Its your job to observe, listen, ask soft and hard questions to get to the core of who he is, not whether you should text or not!

    Just know texting is the TOP TWO reasons that dating and relationships fail! It’s the WORST form of communication due to the high level of miscommunication and also pestering or bugging people when they aren’t in a position to chit chat!

    Stop using text to communicate. Use it very sparingly so to leave some mystery and intrigue because if you give out too much or use it too he’s not going to see the value of spending his time with you if you give it away so easily and for free. Do not use text to thank a man for “buying you dinner.” Seriously, this should have been done at the end of the night before you departed, where you let the man know you enjoyed his company which is all a man needs to know that IF he asked you out again you would most likely say yes.

    Let him lead, lean back, observe, watch, listen and BELIEVE THE NEGATIVES in order to determine if the man in front of you is truly a good and decent man, or a lemon, because you don’t know him well enough to know if there are serious cracks lying underneath (cheater, liar, addict, taker, spender, still not over an ex, financially stable, etc.—its your job to find that out before you get too far.

    #780058 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Agree with Lane that you are way overthinking this. You’re way too anxious. Calm down! You had a date with him yesterday. How was the vibe on the date? Did he seem interested and engaged? Did you click, was there eye contact/animated conversation, etc? Did he mention getting together in the future to do something else or go somewhere else (“we should do XYZ sometime”). Those are more important things to consider than whether he texts you immediately or not.

    I would leave it alone and let him reach out to you. Especially since you texted him first after the last date. You might not hear from him for a couple days and that’s totally fine! Just because he isn’t texting you doesn’t mean he’s not thinking of you, assuming he is romantically interested in you. And if he is not romantically interested in you, there’s nothing you can do to change that (including sending a text).

    In the early stages of dating you have to be OK with not knowing where things are going. You just have to accept it. Find other things to do to distract yourself– anything. See your girlfriends, go gift shopping for the holidays, go to the gym and work out. Focus on yourself and your interests and don’t obsess over him. If he’s interested, he will most definitely reach out. If you start getting needy and clingy he will definitely pick up on it and pull back. That’s a turn off. A person (man or woman) is much more attractive if they have an interesting, busy life. So don’t give this guy the impression that you’re sitting around glued to your phone waiting for his text.

    #780066 Reply

    Raven

    Breath!
    Put your phone down & go for a walk…

    #780087 Reply

    redcurleysue

    I always thank someone for a date.

    #780078 Reply

    Lane

    I want to expound on this a little further in hopes it may help other ladies too. One of the main problems with women who put too much importance on texting is that they end up finding themselves falling into a *text rut.* What is a text rut? Its when a woman starts the process of initiating too much and conversing on it too much to the point the man stops initiating because she takes the lead on it and then he’ll start giving short responses and/or intentionally takes a long time to respond (2 or more hours) because texting is not important to them, they have better things to do than type on a device all day. Problem is, the lady can’t seem to pick up on these BIG HINTS even though the answer/reason is smacking her right in the face and is now wanting to change the course of the dynamic she herself created. All it is is a basic incompatibility issue where if she wanted a ‘texting BF’ she should have kept dating until she found one.

    This is one of the reasons, of many, as to why it can come at a great cost to a courtship, because you don’t know each other well enough to determine what their ‘natural texting style’ is. Some don’t hardly use it, some very minimally (like myself), other’s are average, and then there are those who text to the point they can’t see the world around them. Until you know their what their natural texting style is, which takes time and observation, its a waste of time and energy stressing out over it.

    He may not be “a texter” and may very well prefer one-on-one communication when together so to get a better sense of the real person, in person v. typing some words on a phone that he may not even mean and doing it to 5 other ladies because, again, you don’t know him well enough to know that either.

    All I know is that if a man is keen on you he’ll *want to* [key words] spend time with you, in person, those who stop or don’t aren’t interested in a romantic relationship with you. Focus on the personal one-one-one interactions and you’ll have far more information as to a man’s interest level through the verbal (what he talks about, questions he asks you; tone, inflection when talking to you v. others) and non-verbal (body language, way he looks at you, wants to be close to you, wants to please you, etc.) than some typed words on a phone—heck any guy can text some words on a phone but spending his time and money are for those he’s *possibly* considering IF the time you spend together continues to go well, if not, then its not going to go any further whether you don’t text, text 5, 20, 50 or 100 times.

    To put it simply, for most of humanity there was no texting yet they somehow managed to couple up for centuries, far more successfully than this generation is able to btw, so why is that? Because they relied on human-to-human interactions not phones. Heck, I remember receiving “love letters” when a man was courting me that were very romantic and beautifully written as they came directly from the man’s heart—they were 100 times better than any text message I’ve ever received, including from my current BF and he’s pretty romantic lol. Come to think of it, I would love a “love letter” from my BF, may need to ask him to write and send me one so I’ll have one to save and treasure forever :o)

    #780134 Reply

    ANM Staff
    Keymaster

    Lane had posted the above earlier, but for some reason the forum had flagged it and didn’t publish it. Happens sometimes! Anyway, post is published now.

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