Date frequency and availability


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  • #914486 Reply
    p

    I’ve just started seeing someone.. Both late 40sit’s very early on and we like one another. We have great text banter, we have FaceTimed etc.

    My question is about dating. we both have one child both are 13. They do one week on one week off so only have every second weekend free. My arrangements are I have only every Sat and Sunday free.

    Seeing them every second weekend seems like far too long between dates. Even if we saw one another both days every second weekend. How do other people deal with child care arrangements making it every second weekend ? Does this make us not compatible ? They did say there are often sleepovers and camps but I’m not sure how I feel about so little time together. Thoughts ?

    I date one person at a time. We have the pandemic to deal with so multi dating is not appealing for that reason either. Even with texting banter daily I feel like I’m loosing the connection.

    #914496 Reply
    Ewa

    sorry to ask, have you actually met in person yet?

    #914498 Reply
    P

    @Ewa

    Yes we have, first time last weekend …I could of also spent the next day with then as well but that would of been too much after only one meeting … we are sending texts about how how we have a another whole week to get through to see one another again…

    #914523 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    Some ideas (coming from a single mom):

    — a 13 year old isn’t too young to be left alone for a couple hours (at least not in my book). Could their child stay home with a movie one afternoon and you could meet for a coffee nearby on the weekend, in the afternoon?
    — when my child was younger and I was dating, I had some single mom friends & neighbors I’d trade babysitting with- do you or your date have neighbors and friends that your respective children could hang out with, while you go to dinner or out for drinks? An overnight may be out of the question, but you could at least spend a few hours in the evening.
    — do you work in the same area? Could you meet for lunch during the work day (while the children are in school)?
    — friend sleepovers are an option- if the children have friends they regularly have sleepovers with, you can plan an overnight when they are away

    It can be difficult to date as a single parent. You have to be creative and you also need patience. You may only be able to see each other once a week, you will have to be content with whatever you can work out.

    #914568 Reply
    Maddie

    You can also make some Facetime dates out of it, perhaps when the kids are doing homework or after the children go to bed. And I don’t mean sexy ones, I mean actually figure out some at home dates with video to stay better connected between in person meetings. I had to do that early in the pandemic as I was getting to know my boyfriend, and while it’s not the same as in person and you’ll want to be able to ramp up and figure out how to spend more in person time together as the relationship progresses, it does help. For example, for one “video date” we found a free virtual tour of a site we’d both like to travel to on the other side of the world, clicked through it together, discussed. Another we bought the same ingredients to cook a meal together.

    #914686 Reply
    Tallspicy

    You are over investing in someone you barely know with all this thinking about making this work. Wait, see what he does and follow. He might make it clear how he wants to manage it. Btw, after one date you are not seeing someone. You met someone and had one date. Do not get ahead of yourself!

    #914726 Reply
    P

    @tallspicy

    No you miss understand me, I don’t need to see what they do I will decide what’s best for me not what they want. We are both in the same boat. So I’m not over invested, I’m uncertain if it will be worth Pursuing anything with them if time is very limited.

    I am seeing them, that what we call it here. I am not American. It just means it’s someone I have plans with that’s not a friend.

    I’m just seeing if it can work, looking others experiences, not trying to make it work.

    @maddie and @lizlemon thank you. Good suggestions.. we have an hour drive between us but after work might have to work for now. Most other parents do every second weekend and they get the child thing. Those that don’t have children have weekends but don’t get the child thing. I did make a choice not to see anyone with young children.

    I like them so far. Nice to have someone that is on the same humour wavelength.

    #914731 Reply
    Raven

    You have had 1 date

    #914753 Reply
    P

    @Raven

    And ?

    My question was is it a waste of time going on further dates with someone that only has every second weekend free? Can you build a relationship on that? Was looking for experience.

    #914830 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    I am not assuming the OP is dating a man (not that it matters one way or another) because they have not used male pronouns. Just mentioning it because the usual expectations of hetero male/female interaction might not apply here.

    #914891 Reply
    AngieBaby

    P… this is a question only you can answer for yourself because it’s your life and only you know all the details.

    A critical factor is what kind of relationship you’re looking for. Some people prioritize raising their children and are OK with occasional companionship and have no interest in cohabitation or remarrying, until their children are out of the house or ever. Other people are actively wanting to find another long term life partner they eventually can live with or marry and blend families if both have children. Be careful with someone who can’t articulate what they want or “just wants to see how things go.”

    Which type are you? Which type are they? When people have children and are dating it makes more sense to ask and determine that up front. So it’s really not a question to ask a bunch of strangers on the internet – it’s something to decide for yourself, state on your profile or raise and discuss a little on a first or second date. That will ensure you’re not wasting your time or getting into a situation guaranteed to break your heart.

    #914894 Reply
    AngieBaby

    That being said, from the information you’ve provided, this is a logistically challenging situation.

    You only have one weekend a month you can get together. The rest of the time it’s weeknights and given they have only two weeks out of the month where an evening is a possibility and you two are an hour’s drive apart and if you both work, this is already a situation that’s going to offer limited time together for a few years until your children are a little older and driving. It also depends on how long you each are OK going before meeting each other’s children and including each other in activities with your kids. When you can’t spend a lot of time together, it takes longer to really get to know each other.

    Overall, given that more often than not you date someone for a few months and it doesn’t work out, this is a high risk situation, IMO. You could easily spend 6-12 months dating in this case before you really know who they are. At that point you’re invested and attached and it’s a lot harder to end things. And if you’ve introduced each other to your kids, extremely painful to walk away.

    You need to have the “here’s what I’m looking for, what are you looking for” discussion sooner rather than later, if you ask me. It’s key to deciding if this is a worthwhile proposition to pursue or not.

    #914922 Reply
    Maddie

    My perspective and therefore suggestions were based on short-term. Right now, *unless you have already decided flat out that this is too challenging logistically to pursue*, you both need to get to know each other better to figure out what you want anyway. Focus on the next date instead of a potential relationship. So, the way to do that is through spending more time together and seeing if you click, and video dates are one way to supplement the in person time and do that.

    If this is the right match for you, even if it’s challenging and you need to be creative to figure it out, you’ll naturally both want to figure out how to spend more time together and establish together how that looks and works for you. In my case, there was distance involved on top of a new pandemic (though no children). But I went into it aware that I needed to make a decision if this was worth putting in any effort. The only reasons I decided I was open to exploring the situation was because: 1. I was getting uncomfortable meeting men for outdoor dates because they weren’t all respectful about keeping some physical distance and so much was unknown at that time about the pandemic that virtual dating for a little while to gauge and establish trustworthiness was suddenly okay 2. We were both looking for the same things. My boyfriend ideally was seeking a serious relationship and said right away he used to live closer to me and was interested in moving back regardless of me. Which meant on the off chance things actually worked out, the distance would have an end. He was open to a plan that also worked for me, but we weren’t thinking about a serious relationship yet and talking about “us”, we were just establishing there were no obvious dealbreakers in goals and then feeling free to take it slowly from there.

    So you should ask a few questions about future goals to figure out if there are longer-term logistics dealbreakers while also being very honest with yourself about what you are open to. Decide if you’re open to getting creative and figuring it out and if there’s any potential end game (like, do one of you move the family closer or move in together if things get serious, or are you both opposed to ever leaving your residences and school districts). If the answer to that is no and there will be too many dealbreakers that make logistics impossible, don’t pursue it. If there appears to be a path forward if things ever did get serious, then go from there and keep getting to know each other to see if you’re even compatible and like each other. I also had video dates with a few other people, and I could still tell quickly even just with video conversations that they weren’t for me, clashing values, issues like that. It’ll slow down getting to know each other when you’re not spending as much time in person but you should still be able to gauge in early dating if there’s any very obvious problems in compatibility.

    In my case, my bf was the right person for me and we’ve figured things out because we both wanted to. We were able to figure out ways to spend most of the time together in person after a few months once we decided a relationship was worth taking seriously. If we both had children and their needs to add to the mix, though, I don’t know that we could have pulled that off. So that’s entirely up to you since you know your situation and we don’t.

    #914951 Reply
    Sophia

    Wow P.
    You’ve gotten really good advice here!
    Let us know what you decide.
    Good luck!

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