Could I say I'll only have sex when we're in a relationship?


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This topic contains 15 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Hayley 1 week, 1 day ago.

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  • #913876 Reply

    Hayley

    It just saves myself from heartbreak.

    I r had my fair share of going to a guys house on the first second third date…and then after we have sex, he’d disappear…a guy told me he’d wait for me until I was ready…but was not exclusive yet. Then when I got to know him without the title, I thought after 4 dates, I’d have sex with him. Then he ghosted me after that…dont want to make the same mistakes again…how do guys feel about that in general?

    Thanks

    #913915 Reply

    Ewa

    Hayley, sex is easy to get these days and as much as I would like to believe that the right guy will wait I very much doubt he will.
    I think it is more about the connection you have on the first few dates, don’t really listen to what the guys are saying , because they will tell you what you want to hear.
    You need to be able to tell the difference between the genuine guy and the guy who isn’t so serious but then again these days I would go into that mindset that if I slept with someone and they ghosted , it wouldn’t bother me because I try not to get too attached for the first few weeks maybe even months.
    Unfortunately for some reasons men are not really keen on relationships these days , I think it is all down to social media, dating sites , basically easy access to women. And as sad as it sounds a lot of women have no boundaries.
    Don’t see sleeping with someone as a mistake I would say enjoy it and again don’t get too attached and eventually the right guy will come along and even if you sleep with him on a first date, he will stay :)

    #913945 Reply

    Hayley

    Thanks for this…I’m just sick and tired of getting used , ghosted and hurt and it’s not anything to do with me…it’s them. Even when I meet someone in real life, I get to know him but no sparks. If you don’t wanna see me, just tell me, don’t tell me you’re coming but really you’re not…thats what happened to. He said he’d come to my house as I cooked for us but he never arrived… be honest, Hayley, I cant come…thats it. I just hate dishonesty and inconsistencies.

    #913946 Reply

    Hayley

    All I want is connection and hopefully something more than just sex.

    #913952 Reply

    Ewa

    Another piece of advice : don’t do too much for men, like you said you cooked and he didn’t show up, don’t do that, you are not their gf , don’t act like one , if he wants to eat then he can get take away.
    Problem is some men are scared to tell the truth and in my experience I have also noticed that most men who ghosted me /disappeared came back later on apologising because they other girl they were seeing wasn’t interested anymore. I also feel like most men will give you some signs that they are not there to be serious with you , although I know some will be good at pretending they want you for long term.
    It is good that you know it’s not you, but them. I was single for 5 years and first 2 years I was the one rejecting men and then they started to reject me and I had many moments where I thought I am going to give up , especially with Covid it was hard to meet anyone in real life.
    I don’t know where you are meeting those men, but if it is online dating then I wouldn’t be hopeful

    #913960 Reply

    T from NY

    I want to tell you I understand the sadness and frustration we can sometimes feel as a woman trying to date to find a long term partner in the current dating culture we live in. It can be very rough. But it’s for that very reason I think the most work you need to do – is with yourself. I adopted a radical self-love program a couple of years ago after feeling a lot like you are now. I have had more peace since, than in my whole life.

    Dating is a journey you choose to take with other humans. It’s an acceptance of risk. And it’s an exploration. It includes feelings many emotions – excitement, exhilaration, anticipation, lust, connection – but also insecurity, disappointment, pain. If you look at it that way – and turn off the expectation of anything else – I promise you you’ll eventually feel a ton better. Start dating YOU first and foremost. Get quiet with yourself. Meditate. Work out. Therapy. Read Ask Polly online. Check out mail dating coaches such as Evan Marc Katz. And above all LET GO of any expectations of men in the current climate we live in.

    It’s important we as women take our power back by mentally reframing how we look at dating. You have not been used. If you had sex with a guy before he made you his girlfriend – you were a consenting adult. If you were ghosted afterward – it means the guy showed you WHO HE IS. He may even deserve to be sent a thank you card! “Thank you d-bag for showing me irrefutable evidence you’re not the guy for me.” If they choose to break up – or flake off – or give you crumbs, again, that’s INFORMATION you need. I know it’s not what you want to hear but you CAN be happy alone. In fact, it’s vital YOU ARE before meeting a guy. Dating is shiste – until the one comes along you’re meant to be with for a season. Be patient. Resist the urge to riddle out men. Don’t spend energy on tepid men. Take breaks. Get to loving you. Don’t be afraid to feel sad, crappy emotions. Remind yourself gently constantly of your worth. This is the path to happiness.

    #913977 Reply

    Tallspicy

    I always ask men on the 3/4th date what they are looking for, I make it clear I want a relationship and that I only sleep with men when we are exclusive and exploring with only the two of us in the picture. “We will decide when the time is right together, but I don’t have sex with men who are on match the next day”. The result: never scared away any man planning on staying. Two sent me flowers the next day, all contact me the next day to arrange all dates. Shows my value and maturity.

    #914055 Reply

    Caetru

    Absolutely! I tell men that won’t have sex until we are exclusive, both for my physical and emotional health. I won’t sleep with more than one guy at a time and I expect the same from my partner. My current BF respected that and waited almost 2 months for me.

    Set that boundary and keep it. Be true to your values

    #914057 Reply

    Maddie

    T from NY and Tallspicy are both spot on!

    It’s a shift, but be glad when someone shows you their true character quickly and doesn’t waste more of your time. Dating can be very frustrating, especially online dating, but if you stick to your values and standards and good boundaries, you’ll scare off most of the flakes and attract the men who are looking for more. It may be fewer in quantity but quality should improve.

    #914584 Reply

    Lisa

    Fwiw, I said that a guy once and he agreed.
    He turned out to be married.
    When I confronted him, he said “you said I couldn’t date anyone else but you and I didn’t. You never asked if I was married.”
    😒 The simple truth is a guy will tell you whatever you want to hear to get what he wants in that moment.

    #914590 Reply

    Maddie

    Lisa, that sucks! I’m sorry that happened. But it doesn’t speak to him being a man and men saying whatever, it speaks to him being a $h*thead. People who are crappy and willing to say whatever will, no matter what you do. People who are not crappy and are looking for a real relationship will not. It takes time to be able to filter out which a potential prospect is going to be.

    #914679 Reply

    Trixie

    Your journey about self love. Once you achieve that, you will have good boundaries and high standards (without having to think), and will attract someone good for you (like attracts like).

    #914867 Reply

    Hayley

    You guys are right…if a guy ghosted me that means I dont have to wonder whether I’d be attracted to him in the future, and better than him stringing me along not knowing. He gave me an answer telling me he’s not interested.

    #918627 Reply

    Kim

    Hi Hayley. Your post struck a cord with me, as I had guys who decided they were no longer interested in me after a few dates in the past because I wasn’t experienced enough for them.

    There is no set number of dates, where you have to sleep with someone. You said yourself in an earlier post that you’re looking for a connection and more than just sex. In my opinion if you’re truly looking for a long-term relationship then 3/4 dates is nowhere near long enough to see what a person is really like.

    You can absolutely tell the guy you’ll only sleep with them once you’re in an established relationship. At least they know your expectations. If the guy really wants to take the time to get to know you he’ll rise up to meet your expectations. Don’t lower your standards to meet theirs. The ones that run away save you the trouble later on.

    #919112 Reply

    dlw sport

    To everyone who chimed in: THANK YOU! A guy that I have only been on TWO dates with is coming into my town. He is taking me to his family “tailgating” party. I specifically stated that he can spend the night in the guest bedroom. Additionally, I told him politely that if he wanted to stay in his hometown, I would gladly meet him out closer to the tailgating party. All of this was prompted by the fact that he is on match.com every single lunch break and most evenings he is at home. Lastly, the nights he does not text until almost 11:00 p.m. I assume he is dating. we live an hour apart and he is actively looking for a permanent residence on a lake in his state.
    He has been to my home and thinks it is great with a great view while reminding me that he has a lot of homes to explore in his own area. (We both live in cities that are close to our respective states’ borders.
    I am VERY GRATEFUL for everyone promoting personal boundaries and respect for myself.

    #919211 Reply

    Hayley

    Dlw sport,

    You’re very lucky, most guys I set boundaries with will disappear cos it seems like I’m not giving them what they want and so they leave and won’t respect my boundaries…I did date a guy who respected my boundaries once but after 8 months I just saw him like a brother.

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