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- This topic has 4 replies and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by
Ss.
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Fallon
Hi, I’m having a hard time having a relationship with my bf and my parents. I’ve met my bf’s family briefly before but not the other way around. My parents are very conservative and ‘forbid’ to date, especially my dad. I’m 22, finished college and about to start my career. But still I’m suffocating from my parents. I’ve not told them about my bf of 5 months. I briefly mentioned it to them about meeting him for a quick hour or two and my dad went crazy on me. He would say stuff like, you’re 22 do whatever you want but your disobeying me and not being a good daughter. He’s controlling and wouldn’t even let me go for a walk by myself without my mum or brother. My friends would say ignore him or you’re a grown up, it’s your life but what they don’t understand is that he would give me s**t about anything. To give you an idea, he’s kind of like Norma Bates from the tv show Bates Motel.
I’m looking for reassurance it’s not a me problem or that I’m being a brat. Honestly, I feel like I’m a good daughter, I do almost everything he wants, e.g. no patties and monitors every I go, but yet he’ll make me feel inadequate. If things don’t go his way, he’ll get authoritive and have the final say in things. Sometimes if I don’t reply to his texts, he’ll get mad. I even thought about maybe going to family therapy but he would be like I don’t need anybody’s help, it’s none of their business.
What should I do? I can’t believe it took me this long to seek advice. I just have that feeling of hopeless and sadness and want to yell.. how should I go about telling them about my bf?
Peggy
Hi Fallon. If you live at home,start prepping and making a plan to move out. Do this without telling your parents. Get a job,save money etc. Then once you do-and you could move away from where your family lives,by the way,stop telling your family much about you. Not sure if you should stop talking about your boyfriend in the meantime or maybe have your family meet him if you think that could work. Can you talk to your boyfriend’s parents?
You are an adult woman and I would try to move out as soon as you can. I do not think you are doing anything wrong.Raven
Get your stuff together & move…
Lane
If you reside in the US then its time to divorce your father! Seriously, you are an adult, you have constitutional rights, as an adult to separate from your parents.
You get to set those boundaries, you get to tell your dad that as an adult, you WILL do what you want, because you can, and will do what you want because you will. Screw family therapy, you would be better off getting an attorney to tell him about the laws when it comes to allowing adults, to be adults.
Do you live at home? If so get out. Seriously, find a good roommate, get your own phone, get your own car, remove any tracking devices, and if he texts don’t answer—that’s how you set boundaries as an adult, by being an adult.
Ss
I get why it’s not so simple as you are an adult so do what you want and move away from home – you don’t want to lose your relationship with your family.
But you are an adult and you do need to reset the boundaries with your father.
My advice is do as suggested by getting your ducks in a row ready to move out without saying anything to your family about your intentions. Then when the time is right sit down with your parents and explain your position – that you don’t want to fall out but as a grown up you need to make your own decisions, that you value their opinion bht that ultimately you will have the final say in your life, that they need to trust that they have done a great job in raising you to be an adult who makes sensible decisions so its time they let you do that. Then move out.
It might be worth speaking to a more sympathetic and less authoritarian family member first – like your mum may be? And getting them onside before you have the talk with your dad.
If your family cannot respect your decision and cut you off etc you don’t have much of a choice but to accept it and live your life. You don’t need to kick off and argue, just calmly go about your business, keep the door open for your family by still doing all the normal things a loving daughter would- sending cards for holidays and birthdays etc and hope they come around.
If they don’t come around there is nothing else you can do.
Good luck xx
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