confused by ex's behavior


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This topic contains 27 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Lane 9 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #780089 Reply

    hs

    so a few months ago i dated a man. it was one of those where we had an incredible emotional bond from day 1, and the physical bond as well was off the charts. he however wasn’t ready to date after his divorce so we called it off

    it ended quite badly to say the least, as he sort off disappeared and i told him in no uncertain terms what i thought of that

    a few months of no contact, then he sent me a messages in which he explained why he dropped off the face of the earth. firstly he had fallen in love with me. secondly there was some serious family stuff that went down that he didn’t know how to handle. i told him off again

    another few months later, i suddenly became very ill. the prognosises for which i was admitted and tested was truely horrible. outcome however very good. the whole escapade however made me decide some people are just morons and i can do without them. others however, despite having acted like a moron in a certain way, aren’t really bad people. they did do a lot of good for me and made me very happy for a while, and deserve to be forgiven. lets face it, i didn’t behave all that well after my divorce either, not out off nastiness but more stupidity

    in any case, where we are now….

    he hardly ever makes contact first, but when i sent him a message asking him to call me, het called immediately

    we spoke about what happened in his family and it is truely horrifying, i would probably just have cut myself off all my friends as well

    he is very curious as to how i’m doing, with the various goals i set myself, work, painting, fixing my house etc

    he is very curious about how my children is doing

    he sometimes brings up random great memories from when we were together in a joking manner

    he sometimes brings up the level of intimacy we had, i’m not sure if it’s just a fond memory or if he’s hinting on it happen again

    when i say something like he wouldn’t believe what my garden looks like now, he’ll say one day he’ll come have a look when it’s warmer and we can sit outside

    he told me in so many words that when i met him he was going through the worst time off his life, and i was so good for him, the way i assisted and supported and loved him through it all. i replied i’m glad it meant a bit to him. he stated, not a bit, it meant everything to him

    so i really don’t know what to make of all this. we talk regularly. i always send a joke or something, i always initiate contact, then he seems to wait a few hours each time, and then he has a huge conversation with me by either calling or sending messages. but the content of the conversations are very deep???

    #780091 Reply

    Better off single

    Just take it one day at a time and let things unfold or fade out naturally. Never stop living your own life to live in his, see where it goes and make the best of the time you have. That’s if you want to continue talking to him.

    #780092 Reply

    HS

    well i’ve never stopped living my life for anyone, and sure won’t anytime soon. I don’t actually have any specific outcome i’m hoping for here. i do know i’ll never be fwb with him as i deserve more. but to remain platonic friends, vs to get back together, both have pro’s and cons.

    i’m just curious what other people think his behavior means. on the one hand, the frequency and depth of conversation and active interest in my life looks like he wants me back. on the other hand, he’ll see me one day etc, says he does not. would live to know other people’s opinions on this

    #780094 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Honestly, it sounds like you are pushing for something and he is using words to keep you available, but not really involved. He contacts you occasionally- check. You do most of the reach out – check. You are not spending any time together or clarifying being together in any real way – chevk.

    Please stop doing any of the work. And if he comes back around, tell him you will only engage if spending time in person and moving towards being together. Anything else is a waste of time. In or out. Choose.

    He sounds like you give him an.ego boost. Nothing more.

    #780095 Reply

    Hs

    Sorry no but thats not correct. I send a meme to all my friends. He then starts and keeps a conversation going, involving very deep feelings he has about me, is very curipus about my life etc. If anything he’s an ego fluff to me

    Take my word for it, i have been on the side you describe, very many times. This isnt the same

    #780096 Reply

    Hs

    Also, i’m not sure i want to see him in person yet. I’m not ready foe that. Which is why i said you wouldnt believe the difference in my guarden, enstead of you should come see my garden. To which he replied he may come around one day

    #780097 Reply

    Ss

    OP do you actually want opinions or just validation of what you think is going on? You seem to be saying that the way he is behaving towards you indicates he is likely interested in getting back together or at the very least misses/likes you still.

    What I’m reading is that when you initiate contact he wants to talk and talks alot about the times you were together and seems interested in your life. He seems like he is being friendly and responsive but this is only in the context of you reaching out to him. It doesn’t strike me that he is that interested in anything more and it does seem like you would like it to mean more.

    If you want to know where you stand without asking him (asking him is the sensible thing to do) then see what happens when you don’t reach out. I suspect you won’t hear from him if you don’t initiate.

    #780098 Reply

    Hs

    No i dont want to ask him, because i dont know what i want myself just yet. If he gives me a clear answer, i wont be able to respond.

    At this time, i am leaning more towards being platonic friends with him. Yes, he may be the perfect man for me. But, and this is a huge but, i dont think he’s ready for a real relationship. Not based on anything else than it takes most people a year or 2 of playing the field before theyre ready. Took me 9

    I do however want to keep him.in my life as a friend at least. Thats why i send the same idiotic memes to him as i do to all my friends (only he’s only included maybe twice a week) His behavior however is just so different from all my other friends who laughs and maybe sends a how you doing and then a short platonic chat

    I’m not sure what to make of these long deep conversations, that carries on till i pretty much stop responding

    I dont want to cut him off, but i dont want to see him again just yet. But since you’re all very clear that he’s just nice and not interested at all, then i guess its fine if we remain at the status quo

    #780102 Reply

    Lane

    It means he likes you as “a friend” but is not in the right place or headspace to engage in anything meaningful or romantic with you.

    When men came back I did not entertain them unless they had a total change of heart and stepped up in a huge way to show me they were ALL IN, not just pussy footing around. If I only viewed them as “a friend” then its OK to communicate with them like you do with any friend, male or female.

    However, if you are still pining for him or looking to reconnect romantically like you once did I wouldn’t wait around because he would be acting the opposite of the way he is doing now. I don’t have time propping up broken men, do you?

    #780104 Reply

    Avalanche

    Since you were so nice to me about my drunken text and told me to communicate I’d advise you to do the same when the time comes. Listen to your own advice! In a way the two of you are behaving the same way. Neither one of you suggested any plans eyes. You’re like dogs sniffing each other. You think he’s not yet ready to date and he might feel that way too. I wouldn’t stop initiating because life’s too short! I believe you about deep conversations. He might be scared. He is definitely interested in some way. Being platonic is my only red flag. If he might be your perfect guy it’d be difficult to keep emotions in check.
    Relationships and life are messy and not everything is black or white. You told him off he came back. The connection was too strong so there is still something there.

    #780105 Reply

    Avalanche

    After reading Lane’s post I’d say again nothing in life is black and white but indeed be careful of broken guys. You might waste your time trying to make them whole again. But I disagree with Lane usually when guys come back they don’t have to be all in or make any grand gesture or declaration. It’s not a romantic comedy. It worked for me once or twice. We took baby steps.

    #780106 Reply

    Hs

    I’m almost the exact opposite from lane. I’ve actually never dated a man who didnt come back. But they all did that big bang thing and it scared me off, because there was a reason i broke up with them, and a big bang doesnt fix that. I guess i need time to reestablish trust etc and take it slow…..

    My problem here i guess is that i myself dont know what i’m feeling. I wanted nothing to do with him for months. He tried to explain. I blew him.off and merrily moved on without him

    After my near ms diagnoses i realized he was a nice man, and i should just hear him out. I did. I really did understand what happened and forgave him and decided that i will be friends with him

    But the really deep chats…. honestly to me it feels as if he’s giving me space to come to him. And when i do, he goes all out to remind me of what we had

    And honestly, it scares me. Because i dont know his intent for one thing, but i cant ask him yet because i dont know my own intent. And secondly, because how does this bond still exist after i blew him off quite spectacularly. And how did we get from i will hear you out to now so fast? See avalanche, i think you nailed the problem. I want to keep it platonic, but even over text that seems impossible, hence i dont wat to see him in real life. He has mentioned it twice however (no specific dates… one day) and i just ignored it

    But…. i’ll take it day by day and see what happens. Somehow it will become clear whether we want to date each other again or not

    #780107 Reply

    kaye

    Your timeline is incredibly hard to follow:
    so a few months ago i dated a man. a few months of no contact, another few months later… how long did you date and how long ago?

    You go on about these “deep conversations” but it all sounds like it goes on over text. Men don’t bond through words like women do. Men bond through time spent with you and shared experiences. Which is why he brings up memories from when you were together or the intimacy you shared. Those things created a bond with you but this silly texting isn’t. While these may be “deep” to you, they may be insignificant to him. You’re growing closer to him emotionally do to these but if he’s not asking to see you, spend time with you, etc. I see this as going absolutely no where.

    I have to agree with the others I see nothing of substance here. What I do see if you getting emotionally connected and heartbroken while he’s probably having these same conversations with other women too! That’s what emotionally unavailable guys do. They like knowing there is someone else on the end of the phone they can text, flirt with, stroke their ego that these women are standing in waiting for when he does want to date post divorce.

    #780108 Reply

    Hs

    Kaye he does text but mostly calls. And i’m the one avoiding seeing him

    #780111 Reply

    Kalyn

    I have plenty of deep conversations with my best male friend but neither of us has romantic feelings for the other…the fact that we don’t probably makes those conversations easier for him. How long did you date?

    The only real question you need to ask yourself is, does he initiate communication? You’ve shown yourself to be open to it and while he may be unsure if you’re open to dating again, he isn’t going to be afraid to simply reach out. If you want to begin to gauge his interest, stop initiating for a while and see if he does. If he does, be receptive, warm and friendly but let him do most (not necessarily all but most) of the initiating. If he doesn’t reach out when you stop, that’s an answer.

    #780114 Reply

    Honeypie

    It sounds to me also that you are initiating and you don’t know if he would initiate at all of you didnt. I’d be curious to find out this answer, so if stop initiating so I’d know.
    Secondly. I have a man who I dated and liked a lot, but he decided he didn’t feel the same. We still texts and talked a lot and I would describe those as deep conversations and included some reflecting on when we dated and so on. We’d talk for hours over text, and he’d happily chat away with ease. However, he wasn’t interested, that was the end of that, even though at the time I was hopeful and reading into things with my own spin of hope.
    Subsequently I moved on and didn’t hold the feeling any longer. I still chat with him on the phone and text, and when we do so it is for hours and deep, but I don’t feel romantic towards him now so don’t read into anything. I couldn’t say who does or doesn’t initiate as it doesn’t matter as I don’t have feelings other than genuine friendship.
    The point I’m making is – I see you reading into things that may or may not be there, probably not. Stop contacting him and see what he does would be my advice

    #780115 Reply

    Hs

    He just did. First time since we started talking again. I answered politely but cut the converation short. I need to get my mind wrapped around if i would want to give it another shot first

    I think there is probably a few different perceptions of the same words here

    When i say initiate i mean send a stupid meme that i send to all my friends. He then initiates the actual conversation

    And when i say deep i dont mean just goals and dreams, religion, finances etc, i mean your deepest darkest secret that you wont even tell your best friend.

    Such as what would motivate you to for instance tell a man you had an abortion or is struggelling heroin addiction or something like that? (Neither of these are true and its not something he did)

    What men have shared their deepest darkest secrets with you? And their emotions about it? In my experience my best platonic friends may mention i quit my job, im scared i wont get another, and that would be it

    #780137 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    It’s clear you really, really want this to be a thing. And I’m not sure it is, from what you’ve written.

    I’m unclear on the timeline of all this, as Kaye mentioned. How long did you date? How long ago was it? A few months ago you dated…then a few months of no contact….another few months later you reached out. It’s confusing. How long did you actually date this guy?

    So you are saying you are not sure you want to give it another shot, and are avoiding seeing him, right? Maybe you should slow down on all the deep texting if you are not even sure what you want? It seems like it’s confusing you quite a bit. I wouldn’t say to stop completely, if you don’t want to, but maybe take a step back. You seem really worked up about all his contact with you. Rather than obsessing over what his intentions are, you should figure out what YOU want.

    And I agree with the others to a degree, in that the talking/reminiscing doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to get back together. And the comment about beware of broken men is a good one. If you are not quite sure where his head is at you can’t really decipher what all this means to him. Maybe he just enjoys your conversation.

    #780141 Reply

    Hs

    I should really just stop posting here. I’ve stated right from the start i’m not sure if i want something with him right now. I dont want to cut him off if its just platonic from his side. But i do need to somehow halt it, if its not. Because i dont know if i want something now, and i dont think he’s ready lnot ready. Hes not broken at all. Where the hell did anyone come up with that?) Did anyone take this in? No. Instead i keep on being told.i want more and the guidance i ask for is simoly ignored. In fact, i dont think ive ever seen a post on this entire page where a woman actually attempts to build up a relationship instead of shoot it down. So i’m just going to stop reading this thread

    #780143 Reply

    kaye

    I think it depends on the man. I’ve had men who shared everything about their divorce, relationship with their ex, kids, family issues, money issues, ex girlfriends, arrests in the past, drug problems, you name it on the FIRST date! I won’t even bore you with the things guys told me on dating sites which made me not even go on a first date with them!! I’ve had a guy at the gym I didn’t even know more than in passing tell me his ENTIRE divorce story because he overheard me talking to my trainer about my divorce. I’m talking a deep conversation about his wife having breast cancer, how her treatment left her too tired for sex, he started talking to a young girl in his office, they started a physical relationship, she got pregnant, He tried to talk her into an abortion and he refused, he had to tell his wife and kids, they weren’t speaking to him and now he’s trying to convince her to put the baby up for adoption!! That conversation was the first conversation I ever had with this man.

    Yet there are things it took me years to get my husband to open up about regarding his childhood, relationship with his dad, issues with his brother, etc. My husband is your typical man who doesn’t discuss his feelings or his deepest, darkest secrets with a stranger or even someone he’s just dated a few months. But I’ve dated other men who discussed everything at length right off the bat.

    It could be more a personality trait than an indication of his feelings or desire for a relationship with you. I’m also a closed off person until I get to know you and I open up slowly. Yet I have friends and relatives who are telling guys they only got married to their ex husband because they were pregnant on the first date. Unless you know how he talks with other women he’s dating it could mean nothing or it could mean something.

    #780144 Reply

    Lala

    This is not puzzling at all. If you only want to be friends then continue to chat with him but do not allow the conversation to be so deep. If you think you might want to try again them stop texting him, silly memes and all, and see if he leads.

    Not complicated. You seem to like attention, maybe that’s why you keep initiating.

    #780147 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    No need to get so angry & defensive. It wasn’t clear from your original post what you were looking for (advice? commentary?) So people are just giving their opinions.

    The gist of my advice was: if you’re not sure what you want at this point, slow it down. Take a step back. The intensity of the situation seems like it’s muddying your waters. Don’t stop speaking to him, just slow down the contact/conversation and figure out where YOUR head is at, rather than worrying what his intentions may or may not be.

    #780150 Reply

    Kalyn

    I’ve had conversations about some extremely heavy topics with my best male friend and my best girlfriend. It depends on personality type. Mine is such that surface communication does nothing for me in terms of building real connections with people so I tend to attract others who prefer deep conversations. So the subjects you mentioned don’t see all that strange to me if you’re conversing with someone with whom you have a close, caring connection (friend or otherwise).

    You mention ignoring the thread because you’re not getting the responses you like but this is what you posted at the end of your orinal message:

    “so i really don’t know what to make of all this. we talk regularly. i always send a joke or something, i always initiate contact, then he seems to wait a few hours each time, and then he has a huge conversation with me by either calling or sending messages. but the content of the conversations are very deep???”

    You are asking what to make of his behavior and have received a variety of answers to that question, which are simply opinions. If you aren’t interested in the opinions of others here, why did you ask? No one has been mean or disrespectful that I can see. They’re just telling you what THEY would make of it and wondering why you’re so concerned if you don’t desire to get back together at this time.

    None of us (including you) know exactly what’s in his head. But based on what you’ve written, if I were you…especially if you are enjoying the connection and you don’t know that you would take him back even if he asked…don’t do anything at all. Just enjoy the communication exactly as it is until one of you feels that you really want to change something. If that happens, have an honest, respectful conversation about it. IF you’re already starting to have those feelings and just want to know where he might be at, then stop initiating. I know you think you’re not initiating when you send a meme to a group which includes him, but the fact is that you ARE. You said yourself that you always initiate and he then follows up…just stop doing that completely for a bit and see if he contacts you with the same level interest and depth. If he does, then decide if you want more and would like to talk about the future of the relationship. If he doesn’t, deep conversation or not, he’s not even as good a friend as he seems.

    #780152 Reply

    Carolyn

    “In fact, i dont think ive ever seen a post on this entire page where a woman actually attempts to build up a relationship instead of shoot it down.”

    YOU AREN’T IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS MAN! He is your EX! I guarantee you if he wanted you back you would be the first to know!! Why would you expect everyone here to be helping you build up a non-existent relationship?

    #780186 Reply

    Avalanche

    HS, I understand how you feel about this page! I stayed here for you! It’s very interesting. Figure out what you want from him but maybe it’ll happen organically.
    To some posters here I see several women hurt by your replies. HS has a point. You don’t really talk how to BUILD UP a relationship but just say a guy is not into you!

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