Concerned that my daughter dates too much?


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This topic contains 4 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Lane 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #929726 Reply

    Joella

    Hello, not sure if this is the right forum to be posting on because I see that many of the posts here aren’t by parents but I’m concerned about my daughter and would like any feedback/opinions possible.

    For starters, my daughter is 18 turning 19 and is a freshman in college. She had her first ‘boyfriend’ at 14, which I wasn’t too concerned about since they were just kids and it was puppy love. Throughout high school, I knew of several boys that she was hanging out with/dating, but it never lasted long and she was always the one to end it. Now, while I’m somewhat happy to know that she doesn’t have a problem with finding a boyfriend and getting a guy to commit to her, it troubles me that she seems to jump from guy to guy within a matter of weeks. She’s beautiful and overall a good girl, but especially since she started college, I noticed changes within her. For example, she’s started to dress more provocatively, likes to drink more than she used to, and parties quite a lot. She doesn’t have a very rebellious attitude and still shows a lot of respect to everyone as well as her father and I, which is why I’m chalking this up as her just experiencing the college life although I’ve repeatedly warned her to be careful.

    She’s also started hanging out more with an older cousin who I love to death, but who I know is a wild child which concerns me the closer they become. Her cousin is also the type to jump from relationship to relationship and has had many boyfriends. The two have become attached to the hip, and she likes to take my daughter to raves and such. While I love my niece, I’m concerned about her influence over my daughter. On more than one occasion, they’ve stayed out very late with their other cousins, doing god knows what.

    I want to speak with my daughter about this, however I’m having internal conflicts as well. She is doing very well in school and while I know she is young and wants to experience things, I find it worrisome to be having had so many boyfriends before she’s even reached 20. I may be thinking too far into the future, but I want a man to take care of my baby girl one day and I just don’t want her to be confused about what she wants because she’s been with so many people.

    #929727 Reply

    Joella

    It also concerns me how little she seems to care for any boyfriend that she’s had. Maybe it’s a good thing how independent and unreliant on a guy she is, but I’m the opposite and when I start a relationship with someone, I was the type to fall deeply. The last guy she was officially with, she was the one to break things off and I honestly felt bad for the kid. When I asked my daughter why she’d broke up with him seeming as they didn’t have any issues, she shrugged it off and said how she didn’t feel much for him so she let him go so he could find a girl who did. And now she’s already with someone else at her college.

    #929728 Reply

    Raven

    My only advice, please make sure she’s on Birth Control…

    #929729 Reply

    Maddie

    “I just don’t want her to be confused about what she wants because she’s been with so many people.”

    Well the good news here is being with a lot of people should allow you to learn exactly what you want and not worry about “is the grass greener” later on.

    The question is does she date so much for fun since she’s young or because she has underlying commitment and insecure attachment style issues. As her mom and with her already being an adult, it’s probably not really your place at this point in her life to figure that out for her. It’s good that she wants to let go of men who want something different than she wants and give them the chance to find it instead of leading then on for the attention. That’s a mature and respectful approach to dating, especially for a 19 year old!

    The most you can do is maybe make sure she’s aware that attachment styles exist, and if as she gets older she takes it upon herself to question why she doesn’t seem to get too attached to boyfriends, she’ll have a starting point. But as Raven said, if she’s making her own decisions to have fun and it’s just a youthful stage, the best thing is to have already prepared her about how to be safe: have safe sex, be careful of roofied drinks in bars, or drugs from unknown sources (like at raves). Then let her live her life. You can’t control how she does that, even if her choices are different from yours. Most educated women these days aren’t concerned about getting married when they are 19. That doesn’t mean she won’t want that later, and the right guy for her isn’t going to judge her past.

    You also have to trust you already did a good job and she is capable of having a good head on her shoulders even if her cousin lives with different values. I have had plenty of friends who had different lifestyles, and it didn’t mean I was impressionable to follow them blindly and make similar decisions. I learned from them (and went to clubs and stayed out all night but rarely drank and never did drugs even if they did) but still did what I believed was right for me. If you start seeing signs of mental health issues or hard drug use, then you can take a big step in. Hopefully it never comes to that and she’s (most likely) just being a typical 19 year old in college exploring new experiences.

    #929744 Reply

    Lane

    Mom, you really have nothing to worry about. I was like this, although I decided college wasn’t for me, so I joined the military at 19. I too had that no care attitude when dating during this time but I was actually learning what I liked, or didn’t like about men so there was always a take away (life lesson) even if you don’t understand it.

    We all want what’s best for our adult children but do not become a helicopter mom. She’s sowing her wild oats so to speak and trust me its a whole lot better than many of my friends who became young single mom’s and weren’t able to experience all the life I was able to experience when I was her age.

    I eventually settled down after my wild oat phase at 24, and raised two son’s who are now 31 and 29 and are doing well.

    I know its tough to be a parent once they are out of the nest but all you can or should do is be there when they ask you for guidance. I’m not saying you can’t be concerned, nor voice that concern but ultimately as adults they get to choose what’s best or works for them. It sounds like she has a good head on her shoulder’s so I wouldn’t be overly concerned and let her enjoy her youth before the real adult responsibilities becomes a lot harder lol.

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