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This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by A 1 month, 2 weeks ago.
My bf of 1year, of which I’m in love with, said I can do better. I mentioned all the things I love about him, he said I could find someone for those things. He said my friends look at him and say “she can do better,” WHICH THEY DON’T. Everyone loves him. Yes he can make more money, but that’s because he’s going through a court battle with his ex-wife so money is short. But he’s still amazingly generous, and gives me gifts, took me away for the summer, and lends me money without me asking. He goes without to make sure I have. He’s emotionally available, listens to my problems and offers genuine solutions. He’s here and an ever present force in my life. He apologizes when he’s wrong and seeks to learn me. He corrects mistakes, and makes an effort to do better, as do I. We don’t have loud explosive fights. We seek to understand the others side, and when it does get loud we both keep our cool. We don’t curse. We literally work hard at understanding. We respect each other. He’s peaceful. And open to learning about other things. He’s into sports I’m into the arts and we teach eachother.
So Im not sure where this is coming from except that I was trying to help him with the court situation and I became somewhat frustrated and asked what the real situation was. The next morning he could tell I wasn’t myself and I told him that because I’m brutally honest with him, I’d expect and deserve the same as being trutful is a sign of respect. He suddenly asks if I love him. That shocked me, but I answered truthfully that I do. Then he goes on to say that I deserve better, that the day he met me he knew he was out of my league, that I’m about to start a new life and he feels like he’s holding me back and is an deadweight. Yes I’m moving, but (without me asking) he said he was moving with me.
I’m just in a state of shock and I’m not sure where/how/or if I should even bring it up. I don’t see my life without him in it. We’ve been through a lot this last year and were friends before this. I don’t want to lose my best friend but if this is him and he realizes he won’t ever do better, or trying ot get out of moving, or about to cheat (this is my lack of trust which I’m working on) or has already cheated, or is thinking he’s going to exit stage left so that I can live my life, then I will leave. As much as it kills me to even think about.
Help.How do I go about this without ruining it even more???
if a man is telling you can do better , you go and do better. This is a red flag and after a year it is a sign that this relationship has no future.
he is basically telling you he is not the man for you, while trying to make you think you are the problem…
You don’t think that maybe he’s in a depression over not being able to see his son?
It is a huge red flag when a man tells you you can do better, unfortunately. It sounds like he is in a depression about the court battle, but that doesn’t make it only “temporary.” He thinks he isn’t good enough for you because he feels so insecure about himself, and that insecurity is a much bigger problem that you can’t do anything about. He may have really wanted to be ready for his next relationship after his ex, to be with you, but now that he’s in deep while still also in court, he’s realizing he’s overwhelmed, feels bad about himself, and can’t be a good partner like you deserve after all.
I don’t think this is about him not wanting to move due to anything you did, and I doubt he wants an excuse to cheat. (If he cheats, it is going to be out of his own insecurity so he can sabotage things with you and be alone like he feels he deserves, which is no excuse to make such poor and hurtful choices!) If this relationship is going to go the distance, though, he’s going to need to show you he’s getting some help for his issues, insecurity, depression, whatever. If he sits and wallows instead and lets the overwhelm get the better of him, your relationship won’t be able to bounce back. But again, it is his decision to choose to do his best and take some initiative, you can’t fix it for him.
Also, insecure men who do this sometimes get better but then quickly dump the woman they were with who was supportive. They feel like a woman willing to put up with them at their worst must be low value and don’t want to be reminded of a time they felt bad about themselves anyway.
The best thing to do is probably talk to him about what YOU want and where he’s at, but prepare for the worst because he sounds like he’d rather feel bad about himself than build himself up. And remember, YOU didn’t ruin and are not ruining anything. He’s the one who may not be ready to deal with his issues. You didn’t do anything wrong.
I think I feel like it may be my fault because I too have insecurities. I was engaged when he and I were just friends. And after I dumped my fiance bf and i got together only 6 months after. I think I needed to heal. My exfiance was a narcissist, textbook, and did alot of damage. Bf who was a friend at the time, was supportive and never ever led me to leave fiance. He would just listen. He later told me he regretted some advice he gave me, knowing theman was trash. Anyways, I have made him answer questions, I been suspicious, we’ve fought (although like I said never ever full -on screaming and cursing) but he’s had to deal with my very suspicious damaged behind. That’s why i’m thinking I could be part of the problem. Although I will add that I would apologize at the moment, and he would stay calm and explain the best he could.
Besides that part, I also feel he’s insecure about the money. And you’re right – they can use this as an excuse to cheat. Or when he’s on his toes, drop me. However, last night he has joined a gym, and filled out paperwork for courts, and has a plan to deal with the newest challenge his ex has thrown at him. He seems more confidentt. Whether this will last I’m not sure. Since,so he says, I am his first relationship since he and his ex broke up (6 years ago) I can agree with you,maddie, on that he didn’t think datingme would be a problem. In fact, youre spot on because like 2 weeks after we decided to explore romance, he got hit with extra child support bill and he’s been strugglng since. Said it humbled him greatly…
what do I do though? Sit and wait to be discarded? The idea terrifies me, not the discarding, but sitting and wasting my time…
It does sound like you both have your own issues that have nothing to do with each other. If he has a plan to try to handle his half, maybe you should do the same for your half. Coming out of the relationship you describe with your ex can be very traumatic. Dating again with that much insecurity and distrust of the other person can be draining for you both. It’s totally normal to feel all that after what you’ve been through, but did you talk to a therapist or get any kind of help to heal after the breakup? If not, tell him you’re going to talk to someone because you know he’s going through a lot and don’t want to take your fears out on him to add to it. However, I’m not suggesting you take on more blame than is actually your half. He may still have struggles that make him not ready for a relationship, even if you do go deal with your own insecurities. Things may still not work out, and that’s okay. But discussing waiting for the discard is you very much projecting you past relationship and hurt onto the current situation. If your current guy is not a narcissistic but the ex really was, you’re not being fair expecting current guy to repeat the behavior of the past if he’s given you no indication he’s that way. They are two completely different people from each other.
I don’t know if this relationship will work out, but there’s still a chance if you’re both serious about helping yourselves. I think he maybe won’t be in a good place to do it since he’s already said he’s not enough, but if he’s really taking actions to try, then the best you can do is tell him you still want to see if there’s a chance to work out your relationship and you’re going to get help for yourself, and see what he says. And then DO IT, follow up and talk to a professional, for yourself not him and even if things don’t work out between you and him.
He’s trying to tell you he wants out of the relationship without saying those exact words. He has more issues than you can even deal with right now, and you don’t have time to be his therapist. He needs professional help. Agree with him that you can do better, break up with him and give him a business card to a good therapist.