Boyfriend says I'm boring in bed. What do I do?


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  • #502231
    Jane

    My partner and I have been having problems with our physical intimacy for the last 6 months. When we first got together, it was great and we had sex regularly. I guess because it was new and exciting and fun. We would make love daily and although I have a very high drive and his is very low, there would at least be times where he would initiate and make me feel wanted.

    In the last 6 months we have literally had sex twice and his sex drive is very low. I’m almost sure the two times we did, it was only because of me mentioning it and him probably feeling pressured about it. I make a point not to nag about it and talk about it constantly, but obviously after such a long time, it is clearly going to be a big concern that I feel needs to be addressed.

    So after months of occasionally mentioning it, (but making it understood that I want this issue to at least be discussed) he finally told me today that he finds me boring in bed. I will take some of the responsibility and say that we very rarely do anything except doggy style but to be honest, it is almost the only way that either of us feel any pleasure and we have tried other positions but he’s always said that he doesn’t really “feel” much.

    These last few months, I have made countless attempts at getting him in the mood. I have gone down on him (with nothing in return), I try to touch him on a regular basis but almost always he either makes a face or tells me he’s not in the mood or too tired. It is literally at the point where I feel unwanted, unattractive and feel as though he is being extremely selfish and only thinking of himself.

    I have suggested he take natural remedies to increase libido and even told him that I would take tea that can decrease libido so at least I don’t feel like this but he told me I’m being stupid. I just don’t know what to do. He’s 10 years older and has a lot more experience sexually than I do. I’m still open to new things but I guess I don’t feel sexy or attractive around him and he said that his previous girlfriends have been extremely adventurous in bed and a lot more attractive than I am.

    I would like to think that I have above average looks but his previous girlfriends have almost all been models and very thin, whereas I am curvy (he calls me podgy, but I am very fit and exercise daily). Does anyone have advice on what they think I should do? I asked him what does turn him on and all he has told me is that he doesn’t like bondage. I suggested we try it in different places but he didn’t seem too interested in that either. I don’t know what to do anymore.

    Please help.

    #502232
    M

    I would bet he has a porn and masturbation addiction. I’m sorry he said that to you. Has any other man complained that you are no fun in bed? Also, making eye contact when being intimate helps a lot. Doggy style is more of what he’s probably doing with porn… masturbating with another person’s body. It lacks the intimacy and human connection to make it very exciting.

    Again, this is probably his issue. I’m not sure what to do about it. Have you asked him how often he looks at porn? Even if it isn’t frequently, if he is using that instead of connecting with a real human, it could still be an addiction and his way of avoiding true intimacy. I’m so sorry, I really don’t think this is your fault or anything wrong with you.

    #502233
    M

    I just re-read your post, as I was quick to respond with the porn theory. I can’t believe he calls you podgy! No, no, no. This is not a good guy. That is not respectful, kind or a healthy way to talk to your intimate partner about her body. I hope you’ll find a man who loves your curvy body and who has a healthy sex drive and won’t blame you for his lack of ability to be intimate with another human. That’s just disgraceful and you don’t deserve to be spoken to in that way. Hugs.

    May I ask what this guy has to offer? He doesn’t sound like prince charming but he must have something women like if you’re still with him.

    #502234
    Jules

    Advice on what to do? Yeah, dump him. Your boyfriend is an asshole.

    I can’t see anyone feeling sexy or attractive when their boyfriend is telling them that their previous girlfriends have been extremely adventurous in bed and a lot more attractive.

    I’m sorry, but why is this all your fault?! He says you’re boring but has he offered any constructive suggestions on making things better? No.

    #502237
    M

    Love what Jules wrote! :)

    #502238
    Maria

    What a jerk! How old are you? If he is 10 years older he is probably losing his willy and blaming it on you, putting you down in the meantime. Criticizing your body and telling you his exes were more attractive..wtf? it makes him feel good about himself, no doubt

    Why just why are you putting up with this?

    Drop this impotent like a hot potato.

    #502239
    Tnkyou

    …or he’s secretly using your dildo and has a guy named hunter on the side just saying you never know. Be well

    #502240
    Hannah

    I don’t believe him. A sexually adventurous man doesn’t just stick to one position. Has it always been like that? Some men like a woman to take control but you’ve tried initiating. He won’t tell you what he needs and you’ve tried asking him. I’m with the porn thing. I was with a guy very briefly that spent so long masturbating hard he couldn’t feel enough to really enjoy sex. That relationship didn’t last long! If he’s having sex that rarely, he is doing something else. The other option, and it’s a harsh thought, but maybe he’s not that attracted to you. I really think you’ve done all you can and you now have to decide if this is how you want to live. It’s not just about the actual sex, it’s what it will do to your self esteem being with someone who makes you feel unattractive.

    #502244
    Jane

    Thank you for your replies. It’s actually a relief to be able to talk about it.

    I’m 25 (today actually – lovely day to decide to tell me all of this) and he’s 35. I’ve never had any prior boyfriend’s complain that I’m boring and no fun in bed and I can honestly say that of all the reasons I thought we weren’t having sex; me being boring in bed never came to mind.

    I’m a very affectionate person and I know that he’s definitely on the opposite side of the spectrum where that is concerned, so I guess that may have some influence on physical intimacy as well or at least his perception of it. He did tell me that this is the first time he’s ever been in a relationship where sex has been a problem though, so I don’t think (not to say it isn’t) he has intimacy problems as such and he has told me he had healthy sexual relationships with his previous partners.

    I have asked him about porn and he told me that before we got together he would watch it from time to time but since we have been together he hasn’t watched it at all. He actually suggested I watch some so that I can get idea’s of what to do in bed and how to be more adventurous…

    Although I guess I pointed out a lot of negative things about our sex life, what I can say is that he is incredibly intelligent, he makes me laugh and he has a very charismatic and outgoing personality (and he knows it). His personality is the reason why there are many girls that are clearly attracted to him and I guess he has quite a big ego because of it.

    However, I would say he makes me feel as though I’m the lucky one to be in a relationship with him and he has told me many times that if he wanted to he could just move on and find someone else. He does say that he only says these things to hurt me and that he doesn’t actually mean it and he has addressed that he does take me for granted.

    I guess what you have all written is right, and I know for a fact that I shouldn’t just let him talk to me the way he does (calling me podgy is really only the beginning). I know I have to realise that it isn’t all my fault and that a huge reason why I feel completely and utterly unattractive and unwanted is because of how HE is with me. And obviously feeling this way isn’t going to make me want to go all out in the bedroom either.

    Thank you.

    #502259
    M

    what you have described is a narcissist. He may not have narcissistic personality disorder but he is most definitely QUITE narcissistic. The charisma, intelligence, the emotional distancing, and his abusive way of speaking to you, not taking any responsibility for this problem, putting it all on you… trust me, it’s him, not you. No healthy man would talk to you in that way, even if you truly were boring in bed. Seriously. Get away from this guy. He is TOXIC.

    #502260
    M

    He is accusing you of something completely irrational. Look up gaslighting, and narcissism. How can he accuse you of not being sexually adventurous when you are doing all these things to try and interest him in sex? I’m sure some of the ladies on here can point you toward some good sites about guys like your boyfriend.

    But the things you have described are classic behaviors of abusive, narcissistic men. He may have had oodles of sex problems with other women. He wouldn’t admit them to you. If all his previous girlfriends looked like super models and he’s not into girls with a few curves, why even date you? No, it’s got zero to do with you. The only thing you’ve done wrong is put up with this toxic, abusive, manipulative man. Please don’t let him ruin your self worth. I was with a guy like your ex for 2 years when I was 18-20 and he sucked the life out of me. It took years to recover. Please don’t make the same mistake and think ANY of the awful things he says or does to you are based on any kind of reality.

    #502261
    M

    Oh, and happy birthday! I hope you’re not living with this guy. Find out all the information you can on this type of man so you have a better understanding of his tactics. Do not expect an apology or for him to take ownership of anything he has done to you. Be happy you saw this now and could get out before it was too late.

    hugs

    #502264
    Hannah

    Please please leave this relationship. Google narcissism and emotionally abusive relationships and see how much applies to you. I think a lot will.

    Some of what he’s said to you is dreadful. He’s making you feel like a failure and worthless but I promise you it’s him that is and not you. he may be charming and great on the surface but what lies underneath doesn’t sound very nice at all.
    No one should make you feel disposable. By saying he could find someone else easily, that’s what he’s saying. He probably actually means quite the opposite. I think he’s controlling and manipulative. He will leave you as a shell of your former self if you carry on with him.

    And urgh he’s the man and he’s 10 years older than you. He should be showing you how to be more adventurous, not expecting you to do porn homework!

    #502273
    Stefania

    Jane, I was married for 18 years to someone like that. Please leave him. My ex did a job on me, my self love and my head. I am now with the man of my dreams, and I am happy and in love.

    Turns out my ex had low testosterone, and was put in shots…still no sex.

    Had severe premature ejaculation, he blamed me for it.

    I am curvy, he want it a stick.

    Diagnosed with depression and anxiety, was put on med, still no sex and lots of mental health issues.

    What the hell are you waiting for? I married when I was 21, pretty much a virgin, had 2 kids with him, and I gave up on life trying to help him and making things work. It nearly kill me and I got really sick from all the stress.

    Leave now. Have the courage to walk away. Look at what you wrote and shared here. It is HIM that has problems my dear. Not YOU! There is nothing wrong with you!

    You are young and deserve a real man! I have one and he loves all my curves and my little sex experience too!

    #502274
    Alice

    Omg… The same thing happened to me in college. I was dating this amazing intelligent, funny and attractive guy and we were this couple other kids envied. I thought he was the love of my life.

    But the exact same scenarios as you described. He blamed our failure of sex on me and was unwilling to make changes. Yes he is definitely a narcissist and I put up with it until he dumped me.

    Turned out he’s gay/bi… And he’s been dating men even since…

    #502275
    Cee

    He sounds horrible. I feel upset reading this post. The bad out ways the good, I’m sorry. You need to let him go and remind yourself of your worth. He has called you horrible names, claimed you are no good in bed, mentioned other women being more attractive than you? This isn’t acceptable at all. I know you know this isn’t normal behaviour. Another thing you guys clearly aren’t sexually compatible, imagine another 30 years of this? I don’t know about you but I would be running in the other direction. He is a bad egg for sure.

    #502277
    Hera

    I imagine if my BF say something like that to me…. I’ll gladly show him the exit without feeling bit hurt. Absolute asshole. No man that loves you and respect would say such thing.

    #502281
    redcurleysue

    Hells Bells, this guy is abusive.

    He has issues and is taking them out on you. I hope you can really see that and quit asking what you can do….the answer is nothing. He has the problem. Do not let him make it your problem.

    Run from this man….he is a shadow of a real man.

    #502318
    Lena

    Sorry but this guy is lying about SOMETHING and trying to blame you. He’s got a problem, either it’s ED, or he’s gay or bi. Lose him ASAP. Good luck and glad you posted about this here and are receiving other opinions to see it’s not you, it’s him.

    #502319
    Alex

    My god, how does he expect you to be adventurous in bed when he won’t get into bed with you?

    He had a low sex drive in the beginning and he still does. The guy doesn’t like sex and it has nothing to do with you. You are totally incompatible sexually and now that he’s feeling under pressure he’s trying to place the blame on you when you’re the only one in this relationship trying to fix the problem.

    I’d dump him. You deserve someone who loves sex and doesn’t call you podgy and boring in bed.

    #502321
    Alex

    I just read all the other advice being given to you and it is amazing. Everyone’s hit the nail on the head, and I hope you will get out of this relationship ASAP. Any of the redeeming qualities you mention pale in comparison to the garbage he is piling on you.

    #502329
    Maria

    Happy Birthday, Jane!

    First of all, when a guy is truly that popular he does not need to validate it with the woman he is seeing. He does not need to tell her, I can get anyone I want type of thing. The fact that he is saying all this means he CANNOT, that he has problems, insecurity is one of them, and he is taking it on you. You are younger, less experienced, so he is pushing the boundaries further and further. A woman of his age would have told him to go get lost long time ago and he knows that.

    Now about sex and him being so great in bed with others. Why you you believe him? He can tell you whatever, how would you know what really happened? Also, did you actually see all his “model” girlfriends? Maybe there was one skinny pretty girl, who dumped him because he was bad in bed, and now he is taking it on you.

    In terms of his intelligence and charisma. Good for him, let him ride this wave for as long as he can, but you need to be appreciated as a woman. An intelligent jerk is still a jerk.

    It takes 6-9 times the time to recover from abuse and insults. Your self esteem can get ruined for a very long time. You spend one month with an abusive guy and then it takes you 6 months or even longer to get back onto your feet. That’s why abuse is so dangerous.

    He says he tells you all those hurtful and insulting things to hurt you, not because he means it. So the guy is purposefully causing you harm and you accept it?

    Why do you even want to have sex with him? He sounds pathetic in bed.

    Men LOVE curvy women. Many many men love it. Don’t you let this a-hole bring you down.

    I feel so sad and upset for young beautifuli girls being treated like this….One jerk and the poor girl is going to suffer for months..and absolutely for nothing.

    Kick his impotent abusive ass! Do not let him bring you down, your femininity, your sexuality, you as a person and a woman.

    Honestly, I’d say to him, look you are free to go and find a skinny supermodel, but buy some Viagra just in case before you do. Oh and I don’t mean it, I am just saying it to hurt you. Adios.

    Most women are too nice, too caring and too considerate, we don’t want to hurt another person’s feelings, but we need to stop doing this. These type of men need to have the taste of their own medicine.

    #502333
    Newbie

    This guy doesn’t love you. No guy who loves his woman would act like that and say those hurtful things. I have no idea how you got together, and i was questioning that, because from his perspective a ten Year younger girl can be attractive at first. All of this is wrong, and the one thing you are doing wrong is letting him treat you like a doormat. I’m amazed that you asked how to please him. Please leave him and not to worry. He can go back to his gorgious exes (who probably don’t want him) and you can find the guy who puts you on a pedestal. Take care, i hope you don’t live with him. So it will be easier to just break it off.

    #502433
    Jessica

    OMG dump this a-hole. Don’t listen to him. Don’t let his words get into your head.

    No matter what you do you will never be good enough for him because he’s projecting all of his self-hate onto you.

    Yet the reality is you are good enough – you are a beautiful person. It is his problem if he can’t see it. Don’t waste any more of your precious time on him. There is a better man for you that will see the beautiful you – and will make you feel even more beautiful.

    I always measure the value of a relationship with someone by how they make me feel about myself. If you don’t feel good with someone – how is this adding to your life? No matter what shit we go through, the struggles that bombard us from the outside – the person we are with should always make us feel like they would never go through that shit with anyone else.

    So with the right man you could be living in a cave and it would feel like a palace. But with the wrong man, you could be in an actual palace and it feels like a dungeon.

    Don’t stay in the dungeon. There is a man somewhere out there that will make you feel like a princess.

    #502442
    Brienne

    For him to speak to you like this is unacceptable.I hope you can find the strength to leave his sorry self. He sounds like like a wimp of a man.

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