Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Boyfriend has sexual thoughts/flirts with his best friend (f) and denies it
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Zoe.
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Alice
My boyfriend of 5 years has made a new female close friend through online gaming last year and they have been messaging on instagram daily ever since (good morning/night texts, venting, flirty, sometimes sexual banter etc).
I went through his phone 7 months ago and found some flirty messages between them, confronted him-he said it was just banter, and told me to never go through his phone again because it was breaching his privacy (which I get). Although recently he has been distant, hiding and lying about small details. I feel guilty but I looked through their messages again:
I found that he told her last month that he had sexual thoughts about her when they met up last month (in a group), along with a lot of flirty sexual banter (which he flat out denies has ever ever happened), and lots of s*** talking about me and our arguments recently (which all revolve around her).Example:
She asked “what did you think of me when you met me in person the other day?”
Him – “I thought you were amazing, you looked great and were better in person! What did you think of me?”
Her – “I liked how you looked at me. I gravitated towards you for sure”
Him – “100% I felt the same”
Her – “I really liked how you looked at me”
Him – “It was hard not to”I want to confront him about this, but I am in the wrong for promising not to go through his phone again, I’m afraid he will end things if I confront him. I currently am unemployed in a foreign country (moved across the world to be with him), I have no money to my name and no family or close friends I can go stay with.
Our relationship other than this is wonderful, we get along so well and the 4 years up until she showed up were nothing short of perfect. He hasn’t physically cheated, but I feel this is a massive disrespect and I feel so threatened. I understand I am in the wrong too for checking his phone twice, but I can’t continue knowing they have this chemistry, but I also don’t have anywhere else to go, I will be homeless.
Please help :(
mama
He’s bored and feeling way too secure. How old are you both?
Maybe you are both in a sunk cost fallacy type of relationship. You’ve invested so much of your life’s timeline in this relationship and figure it just HAS to work our. And you also have no where else to go if you end it.
Find a friend, make a friend, call your family, set up an out. And then talk to him honestly about the feelings that he might be cultivating. He’s playing with fire and he knows it, and you just have to bring it out in the open.
By the way, my mother gave me the best advice ever: Don’t depend on a man for your financial independence. It gives you the freedom to walk away. (That has caveats of course.)
Stop snooping. Do what’s best for you.
Maddie
Problems like this are usually related to the relationship, and the new woman on the scene is a symptom not the actual issue. That doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. But it does mean he doesn’t think everything is perfect yet instead of communicating with you about it and working through whatever issues he has, he’s checking out and crossing boundaries with other women. Complaining about you and flirting with her is a huge boundary violation in my book. I can understand why you checked his phone again, because he’s essentially gaslighting you and you wanted to be sure you’re not overreacting. But you’re right, you shouldn’t admit to it. As much as I advocate for transparent communication and honesty, there’s other issues going on here and admitting to taking his phone again will most likely result in him ignoring the actual other issues and dumping all the blame on you without talking about anything productively.
As much as you don’t want to hear this, I’d figure out an exit plan that won’t leave you homeless whether you confront him or not, and even if you want to continue trying to work things out. What’s really going on here is he’s avoiding dealing with his own feelings, or communicating, or taking responsibility for himself and so is instead building another connection to feel better. This is not the behavior of a good or solid or mature partner, even if the relationship is going through tough times (and there’s probably a lot of stress from you being dependent on him in your current employment and living situation). You don’t want to be in a position where he will just end it without warning because he’s checked out on you and has her to rebound to. To address this requires mutual effort, and it’s not assured he’ll be willing to work things out once you do talk it out.
Sharing what you both want will also go better if you’re doing it from a place of teamwork and affection rather than anger and distance. The current trust issues are very valid but need to be worked through as well to even have a constructive conversation about what’s working and what’s not in the relationship that won’t end up being a breakup. I personally think you deserve better and should seriously consider if you’re better off having the hard conversation and maybe ending things with him, due to lack of being able to trust him or communicate openly and honestly with each other, but it’s your decision.
mama
How are you in a foreign country for 4 years without a legal reason to be there?
Call your family, go back home. Or talk to him and see if he will work on the relationship with counseling, investing in time together, etc.
Rox
Hi Alice,
Well I think it’s time to be honest. Going into his phone is wrong. Don’t do it. You are either paraonoid, insecure, bored and/or don’t trust him. 7 months ago is not significant.
What is worrysome is that you completely depend on your boyfriend financially and emotionally. This can tire out any relationship. You need your own friends, and occupation. Yes, you should look for a job ASAP, even volunteering in the meantime to get yourself back out there.
How does one evaluate flirtatious behaviour? Well, meaningless if it’s not acted on.
Take care of yourself.Liz Lemon
I too am confused as to how you can be living in a foreign country for years without some kind of job, or work permit? Tourist visas don’t last for years. Have you been living off your boyfriend all this time? What do you do in your spare time, don’t you have friends or interests of your own?
Have you and your boyfriend ever talked marriage? Even in the previous 4 years when things were going well? 5 years is a long time to date without at least discussing it. Just asking because marriage would at least give you some level of security or legal status.
I agree with the other posters that it’s a bad situation to be so completely dependent on your boyfriend. That’s the most worrying thing about this situation to me, honestly. You have no support network where you are should something go wrong with your relationship.
Raven
It’s an emotional affair that seems to be heading to physical. They’ve met in person & seem to be on the same page.
Can you return back home?
T from NY
It is absolute hog wash that people who cheat are doing so because there’s something wrong in their primary relationship. Yes there are studies that bear out that women tend to stray when there are problems – but for the most part people who betray their partners do so because they have weak boundaries, have narcissistic tendencies and feel entitled. And just to be clear – the text exchange you shared is 100 percent cheating. If it’s not this girl, it will be another one. He’s gobbling up all the ego kibbles she’s giving out. If he was the type of person that was all in – he would safe guard your relationship but not allowing another woman to feel confused of his attentions or outright show interest. He is not a safe partner for you. Women choose the relationships they (stay) in and people show you who they are. I’m sorry. He’s no good
Maddie
@T from NY, I think you’re partially responding to me, and I agree with you. I think he’s untrustworthy and prone to cheating (ie as I said, not a good, solid, or mature partner, and one who is gaslighting her), and OP is in a very vulnerable situation and should figure out how to exit. But she didn’t ask how to exit yet, so I was laying out the reasons people cheat. When I said it’s about the primary relationship but that doesn’t mean she did anything wrong, maybe I wasn’t clear enough. The relationship has three parts: each partner is one and two and then the relationship itself (the compatibility dynamic of the partners together) is three. If he has his own issues dealing with stuff that make him a cheating jerk, that is a problem with the primary relationship and not due to the other woman. The problem in the relationship is him and his behavior, but it’s also OP’s problem for as long as she puts up with it because he won’t change to be a better partner unless he wants to. Either way, the potential affair partner is really a non-issue, because the way he disrespects OP and handles stress without communication is the driver. Even when the problem is both partners and how they interact, it’s still very poor decision making, boundaries, and lack of respect on the part of a partner who cheats instead of either straightening out or leaving the relationship.
Tl;dr, he’s no good, but if T wasn’t responding me and I didn’t need to clarify, carry on :)
KarinaDogLover
Hi Alice,
Your relationship is not in good shape.
1. He has a close female friend that he would text morning/nite, flirts and even sexual banter? Maybe I am very old fashion, I find that not acceptable.
2. You were uncomfortable with the situation, instead of having an honest conversation, you snooped through his phone (7 months ago).
3. He is being distant, hiding and lying. All bad signs.
4. Again, instead of having an honest conversation, you chose to snoop again instead of talk.He is in the wrong definitely. But you are putting yourself in a very bad position as well. You don’t have a leg to confront him because you were snooping. If you ask about anything, he could deny it (best scenario actually, that means he still feels something for you, that will buy you time to take care of your finance). Or, he could actually flip as well (worst scenario) and end it and kick you out anyway.
Look, you are in a bad situation, you need to do something for yourself first. Can you get a proper working visa? I know it is not the best, but there are jobs under the table too for undocumented traveller. Try to do something about your financial situation, prepare for the worst if he is really having a thing with his female friend. They could be just a fling, or maybe they could develop into something. From the conversation, they are both interested.
If I were you, I would start contacting my family and friends and try to get some help. Try to find out how to get a working visa then you can get a job. Search for information of the closest women shelter and what kind of services they offer. Yes, prepare for the worst. I would not confront him before I am ready. You need to keep in mind, if this conversation goes south, he will break up with you, or he will threat to leave you if you are trying to “control” what he does with his female friend.
I don’t find that acceptable that he has a female friend being that close and carry those kind of conversations. But seems to me, he thinks it is completely acceptable and normal. If you don’t want to lose him, you might have to accept the way he is. If you could not accept it, you have to prepare to leave. It doesn’t matter things were good before her, coz now she is in his life, if it is not her, there will be another. He clearly is looking around, he has not physically cheated YET, but a faithful man in a happy relationship would not go flirt around and get attention from other ladies.
Hope everything works out the best for you. Good luck, you need it.
Zoe
Its cheating. I would break up
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