Boyfriend doesn't know how to comfort me?

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    I am in a relationship with my first boyfriend (I’m 21 and he’s 20, this is his second relationship) and I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety for a while. There have been multiple times where I cry in front of him and he doesn’t know how to comfort me. There was a time where I cried and sobbed for at least 10 minutes, ran to the bathroom and sobbed but he didn’t do anything. When I came back out he was just sitting on my bed waiting for me to finish or something. Afterwards I told him I’ve never cried on the bathroom floor before and he just told me “well now you have”. That made me feel so mad and sad, like is that supposed to make me feel better? And there have been lots of cases where I am sad and he knows but doesn’t do anything except say it’ll get better or I’ll feel better after I sleep.
    We had a discussion not too long ago about how he doesn’t know how to comfort me, which he admitted to so I verbally told him that I want him to be more assertive or bold. In the instance of the story of me running to the bathroom floor to cry, I wish he would have knocked on the door, asked if I’m ok or done some other ACTION instead of doing nothing. He said that he’d try and work on it.
    We have a very good relationship of 7 months, we communicate well and usually are in a good state. Recently I had my roommates leave to visit their families, which left me alone in our apartment for 3 days. I am not good at being left alone at home because I do have anxiety and it scares me with the thought of someone breaking in or something else. I have had a bad childhood memory too. He knew I was scared to be alone and stayed over 1 day to make me feel safe. Today, I thought my roommate was coming back but they changed their plan to come the next day. I told him this and he asked if I’ll be ok. I told him I didn’t want him to stay over twice because I’d feel like I’m bothering him, but I said this out of consideration for him and didn’t even say “I will be alright without you”. He just said ok and we didnt message for a bit. I took a nap because I was feeling restless and when I woke up (around 9pm) he said he could come over if I wanted. I told him its late (again, out of consideration to him) and he said ok, we’ll see each other tomorrow anyway. At that point I told him I took a nap because I was restless, cried a little after that too because I was scared and lonely, and all he messaged back was “Are you ok now?”. I just feel disappointed he wasn’t being like “I will come over right now” because we live only 10 mins away and we are on summer break now and are hanging out tomorrow anyways. Then I told him I had a bad memory of staying home alone and all he asked was about the story of it, I didn’t see the point in him knowing about it, especially if it makes me recall a bad memory AND I’m already home alone. I got upset and told him talking about it isn’t help and that I’m just going to sleep soon. He then just said “Oh ok, I’ll sleep too”. I am just frustrated that even though we talked about him trying to be more assertive with comforting me, it’s like he’s the same. And I am questioning why he isn’t being more caring when I say that I cried…he has seen me cry many times and I’m worried he just thinks if he leaves me alone I’ll just stop crying, which makes me feel so helpless (I’ve told him before I want him to just hold my hand or hug me if I cry). The fact that he didn’t be more assertive even after he 1) knew I was scared to be alone and 2) cried because I was lonely and scared.

    I’ve slowly realized in this relationship that I need someone to lead me on, pull me up when I’m sad even if I try to push them away out of consideration, and he just doesn’t do that alot of the time. I know we are both willing to work on this flaw and we both love each other alot. We really do have a healthly loving relationship, but I am just so tired of being sad and him not doing anything… I just wanted to hear some thoughts from others…



    You push him away and to him that is a CLEAR signal to leave you alone. Do not do that. If he offers jump at it.

    You are giving MIXED signals to a man. You need to be clear…not considerate. If you want him over say so. If you want a hug, say so. If you keep pushing him away or not asking for what you want you are in the wrong here. Men think you mean what you say…nothing hidden.

    Get up the guts to tell him straight what you need. NO ONE is a mind reader.



    Why do you cry so much? Maybe he’s used to it and figures you’ll get over it as you do it so often.

    You don’t need someone to take care of you like a baby needs to be comforted. Work on yourself and the issues that make you cry so much.

    I agree he’s offering but you shut him down.



    Just clear the things with him. Is he really loves you or not? I don’t know his nature but it seems like he does not care you.

    I agree with Jackie. You don’t need someone to take care of yourself. Be brave, stop crying and begging attention from someone.



    i’m sorry but its your responsibility to deal and cope with your sadness. You are placing a huge burden on this man who is far too young and inexperienced in dealing with someone who has depression and anxiety. You need to seek a medical professional who can give you the tools to help you combat this so your not reliant on others. Trust me, it gets old super fast and he will eventually get TIRED of you being sad, breaking down, and needing constant support—I’m amazed he’s stayed with you this long honestly!

    You need to nip this in the bud while your young because constantly expecting a man to coddle you will keep you alone and single if you continue to act this way. Adulthood is about taking responsibility for your issues and solving it with professionals who have the experience and skills to do so. If you keep this up he will eventually leave and seek out a woman who isn’t so sad and needy.


    Amy S

    Ooft this guy has a ton of patience. I have a seven year old daughter that cries less than you by the sounds of it. Youre a grown up, you should not be crying and acting like a baby. Put the shoe on the other foot, how would you feel around a friend that acted like this ? Very unattractive and stop with the dropping hints as the others are saying, if you want him over, tell him. Poor guy cannot win with you. If you are struggling from anxiety or depression related issues then get to the doctor to sort that out. It is not this guys job to sort out your life for you, only you can do that. Honestly If I was dating you I would not be able to handle this either. Its really not fun for this guy and he will only put up with this for so long before he has had enough. Get to the doctor and sort yourself out. Babies cry, girlfriends laugh and have fun. x



    You have no business being in a relationship because you behave like a child and expect others to read your mind and be responsible for your happiness. I think all of this crying and fear of being alone is just attention seeking and it is extremely unattractive. Grow up and be responsible for your own well being rather than dumping it on him.



    You’re asking way too much. You expect him to be psychic. How is anyone supposed to know you want to see them when you have told them you don’t?

    You need to fix your mental health problems. He can’t do that for you. It has to come from you. His job is to be your partner, not your parent or your support worker. There isn’t anything he can magically say to make you feel better.

    If you don’t address your issues, there’s a high chance he will get sick of all the crying and high expectations. Men leave women they can’t make happy. They give up and can’t deal with the drama.

    Try to get yourself fixed and learn to be more independent. It can’t be fun living your life anxious and crying.



    And yes I agree you need to see a doctor right away. This depression is not good for you. Seek medical attention and help.



    Part of transitioning into becoming a healthy adult is becoming responsible for yourself. That includes every aspect of your life – emotional, physical, mental, financial, spiritual, etc. You are now the boss of you.

    This is a life lesson best learned at a young age in life, thus years of suffering will be the result of not understanding this principle. NO One is responsible for your happiness except you. When you aren’t happy it is solely your responsibility to figure out what is going on and find a solution. That includes finding ways to sooth yourself and self care, asking for help when needed (and if you don’t get what you want or need, finding another resource) and/or getting professional help when needed.

    My personal opinion, I would recommend a counselor over a doctor to start with. Is your depression and crying coming from issues and lack of healthy coping mechanism? Or is it a chemical imbalance based on diet, hormone or endocrine issues? A counselor may be able to sort through that first. However, either route you choose, I do agree with the rest of the advice, if you can’t get a grip on your own get professional help.

    Your problems have nothing to do with your boyfriend.



    Hi– you need a therapist, love, not a boyfriend!
    not saying you can’t have both, but putting pressure on a man to rescue you or solve your emotional problems will NOT WORK! It sounds like he wants to help but doesn’t know how, and you seem to be testing him and picking apart what seems like him doing his best even if it’s not exacatly right,

    In a healthy relationship, partners will comfort each other, sure, but it’s not a constant job, and they don’t get mad at each other for doing it the “wrong way”.

    You will tire him out and he will go and look for someone who isn’t a lost child in need of rescue.

    You NEED to take responsbility for your own emotional issues– that starts with making an appointment with a therapist, today.



    Thank you for all the replies. This is my first relationship and I am very lost on everything and I don’t have anyone to turn to for advice (I have an older sister but she has never been in a relationship and most of my friends are the same or only been in short relationships).

    I will back off on relying on him so much, he and I both suffer from similar things, but he tends to be fine after I cheer him up. He is a wonderful guy and I know he has the patience and love for me that will be hard to find in someone else, I think I am really lucky he is my first boyfriend.

    Again, thank you for all the replies, I will see if I can find someone else to turn to, whether its medicial or school counselors! :)



    Since this is your first relationship you have a lot to learn.

    Your significant other can be a place of support but, not the way you are going about it. He cannot be at your beck and call each time you have a breakdown, feel sad, or are scared to be alone.

    It sounds like you have experienced some trauma and you need to seek professional help. A professional can help you get to the root problem and provide ways to cope with your depression, sadness, and anxiety.

    If you continue on this path I doubt he will stick around. I think he lacks the knowledge or experience, hence why he has no idea what to do when you have your breakdowns.

    Quite frankly, I don’t think you are in a place to be in a relationship given your emotional state. Either way please seek some help.



    Sweetheart, a one point in life we all need to grow up. You are 20 but acting like a little toddler. LOL

    You can’t expect a man to constantly attend to your every whim or emotion. You do need to control it and keep it to yourself or call your GFs or your mummy. Do not make your guy your therapist, this will kill your relationship, you’d become a burden.

    Men do want to respect a woman too, so if you cry all the time over things that are not very serious (sorry! but no one died or got sick), he is not going to respect you.

    You need to start to learn how to control your emotions, how not to indulge into every impulse to be sad or cry

    I agree with others that you need to check your hormones, maybe your BC pill is making it worse for you.

    However if you cry about something important SOMETIMES and he does not try to console you, this is not right. Your BF should support you.



    Hello. I suffered from bad OCD and Anxiety as a teenager.

    I know this isn’t something you’ll want to hear but as much as I wanted support from a partner during that time I knew it wasn’t fair. Literally remained single my entire teenage years and got myself together.

    Doesn’t mean you can’t seek support from friends and family and yes if you are with someone. But you are responsible for your own happiness and have to remember that. He can’t be the one who makes you happy and you feel depenant on him.

    Yes sit and talk to him. But don’t make him feel he has to be your emotional support. Have him be there for the fun times and try and enjoy being with him.

    I’m not saying don’t talk about your feelings but don’t let it take over your relationship either.



    He’s not your therapist… He’s your BF!



    I can’t believe how disgusting and inaccurate many of the above comments are. It’s 2018 and many of you have pre-historic attitudes regarding a man’s role in the relationship.
    You’re not giving ‘mixed signals’ if you have repeatedly told him that you need his support. If he isn’t supporting you emotionally you’re better off with out him. If you need to cry, you cry, you’re not ‘indulging yourself’ by doing so. Your partner should be like your friends or family, there to listen, support and comfort you as and when you need it, especially if you’ve already tried being straightforward with him. It’s so strange that we’ve been brainwashed into believing that men are incapable of emotions or understanding emotions. If he knows you’re sad and is doing nothing then he isn’t right for you. No he can’t be your therapist, but he’s your partner, he should support you emotionally and assure you that he loves you regardless of your mood.
    I hope your relationship goes well, keep being honest with him, and if he isn’t supportive enough for you then think about taking a break from him. If you’re both unhappy more often than happy then break it off. Don’t settle for someone who isn’t enough for you emotionally ok? There will be people in your life who will love and support you no matter what, they’re out there, just keep an eye out for them.
    All the best!



    Hi aykl,
    Sorry you are so very often deeply sad and tearful.
    Of course, your boyfriend has no idea how to help you, he has so little experience and mental health issues can bewilder much older family and friends who feel at a loss as to what to do. He probably asked about your story of being home alone because he wants to try and understand – he couldn’t know that this would make you feel even more upset. I am guessing that you need to talk about this incident and its place in your life within the safety of a therapeutic setting.
    Please follow up on your plan to find professional support.
    Good luck


    Follows Breadcrumbs


    Your post is very refreshing to see.

    As a man I would definitely comfort and support her. I think the OP was very clear and he should have seen this and been there for her.

    Men not having feelings, not wanting to show emotions, not understanding signs of need IS a big problem

    You wonder why divorce rates are so bad? Is because people can’t be honest and are possibly afraid to show their emotions(men).

    I’m glad society is starting to accept that men have feelings and emotions too. It’s really good when we can actually open up about them without getting labled as damaged goods.

    Whats also bad is the women who have been brainwashed into thinking hiw a man should act. They bash a girl like this and say she just needy.They think men shouldn’t have to deal with this because we are not emotional beings.

    Thats all total BS. When someone I love hurts,I want to make them not hurt.If he can’t see that she was reaching out hoping he would come comfort her, he’s not worth her time.

    Hate to break it to women who are set in there ways, but guess what there are guys that have no issues showing emotions. They also recognize emotions, and they truly care how you feel.Those guys would have went to be with her. Instead of leaving her alone again.



    Let’s revive this thread again in another 6 months 😐



    I’m actually disappointed that a lot of people are telling you just stop crying and get over it. Like you can actually fix it. But as a person who has depression and anxiety,I say that it might be best to seek professional help. Sure. He needs to be guided in how to comfort you but you also need to be assertive with how you feel. You need to tell him when you want something. If you want him there..tell him.



    I’m with the people who want her to grow up. This is good for her. Crying, worrying, overthinking is extremely exhausted. If something bad has happened to you, let cry it out loud for once, twice or maybe a whole month then get over it and moving forward with your life. Give yourself a good energy also for the people who are with you the good energy to be with you too. Life is short, bad things happen to everyone, if everyone will be crying over and over then there’s no happiness anymore. I would be there to comfort my partner, my friends, my family throughout the tough time but if they keep doing it and keep seeking for attentions over the same problems they need to be left alone or need some honest advice to let them know what they’re doing is not healthy at all. Her post makes me really exhausted just by reading it. You need to go out, do something that makes you forget about what makes you worried, sad. Ask your boyfriend to go out with you, going to the movies, gym, shopping etc. being around with people, doing more things will give you more confidence. Sooner or later you will feel that you don’t need to rely on anyone to make you feel happy, secured except yourself



    I wonder (given that the letter writer wants him to read her mind and do the opposite of what she is telling him) if she gets depressed and down because her expectations in life and of other people,are unrealistic/ A close relative o mine is chronically depressed.I think it is because nothing is ever good enough,makes her happy etc. Therapy should be applied here and straight talk to what she needs from the guy. As it is though-I think she is asking a lot of the guy-she sounds like a downer n a constant basis.



    I was very concerned with all the comments until Mary’s above. I don’t believe it is your partner’s job to fix you, but I do think it is your partner’s job to support you and try to understand you; just as you would expect from family or close friends. I think you need to first evaluate what you need from your partner and why his current actions make you feel upset. Then you should have a serious talk (another one) with your boyfriend. Go in depth about what you need from him and not just in certain circumstances but in general to comfort you. Come to a conclusion together on things you both need to work on. You could work on being more upfront about what you need. I.e. when you were being considerate and told him he did not need to come over, even though it is uncomfortable for you, tell him that you want him to come over. You can phrase declarations of need in ways that make you more comfortable like, “Can you please come over? I understand if you can’t, but it would make me feel better if you did.” Also consider why you are unable to tell him when you need something, why you want him to be intuitive with your feelings. Are you scared to come across as needy, etc.? It is important to explore the root of an issue and not just a certain circumstance. See how he responds to this and if he makes any improvement. If not, it is important to evaluate if you are getting the things you need out of the relationship. Also remember, as I’m sure you know, it would be extremely helpful to go to therapy and put work into yourself on your end. Both of you can put work into a relationship but only you can put work into yourself, he can’t do that for you.



    the thing is, we have a one-sided opening post here, so its impossible to really know what his boyfriend really tried to do to help her….

    if its frequent that she retreats to the bathroom just to cry and cant be alone at all without crying and being depressed, then I dont think its really a job of her boyfriend to comfort her neuro-fits…. its a job for a professional

    he was maybe comforting her, but it can be exhausting to have to deal with a non-stop crying adult

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