BF watches porn when stressed

“I caught him watching dirty sex videos and playing with his equipment.”

What kind of videos?

Totally stumbled upon this by accident, but, nonetheless.

This is going to be more than you bargained for, but I’m assuming the distress call, is a serious one, so I will address it as such.

“I caught him watching dirty sex videos and playing with his equipment. I almost threw up as I think that stuff is gross”

So, here, there are already quite a bit of complications you’ve got going on. “I caught him,” most definitely makes it sound like he was doing something that he wasn’t supposed to. I can’t tell anyone how to run their relationships, but I am fairly confident, that no body enjoys being told what to do, or to be given rules, especially if they don’t agree with them. Yes, there are rules that are okay to disagree with, and those are the rules that don’t belong in the rule book, because they are unreasonable and unrealistic.Also, voyeurism is a thing, like, a huge thing, so take a step back, and analyze the situation. Remove your emotions from the situation, because they are only going to cloud and bias your decision making skills. It could just as easily be the case, that he had set it up, for you to walk in on him, excited and ready for sex, but instead was met with judgement, on top of being shamed and made feel that he was “gross.” People don’t differentiate between “that stuff” and “me.” They are one in the same. Put yourself in a situation, where it felt that someone was shaming you, for doing something that you didn’t find to be unreasonable.

Having said that, I also do recognize, that you are in an emotionally confused state, and in these moments, we are often in pain, and so we lash out, and say things a lot more harshly than we originally had thought. Trust me, you hurt his feelings on this one. There should be an apology somewhere, but with that apology, should come the request, of understanding what it is exactly that he was feeling, or what was it that you said, that could have made him feel the ways in which he felt. What’s more important? Having your bf know that you’re sympathetic, understanding, and honest about being human, and making simple mistakes? Working together to come to a resolution, not a compromise. Do not let the hurt feelings of an ego bulldoze over how you feel about caring for one another’s feelings.

“He always makes an excuse why we cant make love lately. He’s tired or stressed at work. But in the past when this happened he always came into my arms & I soothed him to feel better.”

Okay, so this is suuuuuuper adorable. Honestly, I’ll guarantee he misses that, too..If I had to take a shot in the dark, I feel that there are some harbored feelings of resentment going on here, and that is what is getting in the way, and blocking the two of you from reconnecting. Meaning, you know those moments, where you’re feeling especially vulnerable, and right on the cusp of being able to breathe, and you’re almost there, and then suddenly, NOPE. That’s the ego I’m referring to. Quite that voice, with the voice of reason. Remind it, that you’re not the only one who has emotions and feelings and pains.

I read somewhere once that it’s never a good idea to discuss issues just before, during, or right after having sex. Also, other bad times to discuss them, are right as soon as anyone walks through the door. Coming home for the first time, or coming back from getting popcorn. It gives us the sense of being ambushed, which our minds don’t respond well to. We immediately go into defense mode. Instead, ask him, when would be an alright time, for the two of you, to talk about what’s been on your minds? Not schedule it, like a job or work, but instead, just give one another a heads up, that, “hey, something is on my mind.” If it makes you feel more comfortable and confident, think about what it is, that you’d like to discuss in the conversation. Meaning, topics. This is not a time of war, and you’re not going into battle with one another, to see who was hurt worse. What you’re trying to do, is go in, and just touch base with one another, and see what the two of you guys think. Here are some example topics:

– Different kinds of Sexual activities – masturbation, copulation, intercourse, etc. It wouldn’t be a bad idea, for the two of you to have some fun researching, and see what the two of you can dig up, when it comes to how long they have all been practiced, what animals perform what types of rituals, different cultural understandings, everything. There is a lot to learn here!

– The History of Pornography. When was the “porn” made? What defines something as “pornographic”? “Erotic”? Sensual”? Hard core? Soft core? How about what the actors think about porn? Seeing things from the other side of the camera.

– The different types of porn. Studio, homemade/amateur, vintage, etc. Seeing what kind of porn he is into, will definitely give you a lot of insight, into what he thinks sexually. However, be extremely careful with this one, because not everything is always as it seems. Honestly, it would just be much better, to let him come to you, about what turns him on about specific videos, images, or content. It’s rarely the visual depictions going on, and is not a literal translation of them inserting themselves into the picture. Sex is much more complex than that.

– Sexual Anatomy. Understand the erotic zones, how to interact with them, and explore which ones are your favorites. Don’t be afraid to communicate, and any “criticism” here, is only meant to improve your sexual synergy, not to be taken personally. After all, how do we know what we can do better, if we aren’t given notes, first?

What is happening now? He doesn’t love me or I’m not sexy enough? I wore lingerie for him when he asked in the past but now he doesn’t even ask for that!

Which brings us to your last bit. Something that must be kept in mind, is that the more deeply rooted something is, the more time it’s going to take, to find all of the roots. Light bulbs can be fixed over night, because there isn’t much to “fix.” It’s not an evaluation of “the old bulb” or its sense of purpose, functionality, or value. It’s that it did an amazing job being a light bulb, and now a new bulb, has come to the rescue. You’re not really changing anything, because nothing is actually broken. All you’re doing, is giving the squeaky wheel, some oil. Obviously not literally, but metaphorically. Lighting is important, and you enjoy having light, I presume, so to keep having the light, just change the bulb.

About the undies: never just “surprise” someone with anything sexually. What’s his favorite color? What kinds of patterns does he like? Round? Geometric? Shapes? How about materials? Do some research, and then find the perfect thing, that you also enjoy. I’m sure that if you invested some time into it, that it would mean something to him, that you paid so much attention to detail. It just will tell him, that you’re thinking of him. Do this in more than just sexual ways as well. Keep it all a surprise, and then once you have the garment, tease him a little, by asking him to help you get dressed out of the shower? Obviously, the clothes are going to come right back off, but the tension that get’s built up, by introducing an “obstacle” (one that is also fun to overcome) can do some pretty exciting things.

I hope this helps. Sorry I sounded kind of like a meanie head, but, hey. You asked.

“Love isn’t complicated; it’s simple. When you love something, you never want for that thing to hurt. That’s it.”

Help!