Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Bf night out with friends
This topic contains 22 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by AngieBaby 2 months ago.
I need to know if I am overreacting.
I’ve been with my bf for almost a year. We don’t live together, but he is over most nights. I am early 30s him late 20s. He went out to meet up with an old guy friend from high school with some of his friends after work. He said he would be over after and was going to look over a presentation for work for me. He texts me that he’s drunk at 10 pm and I ask if he’s coming over. I also did make a snarky comment about him being drunk. 10 mins no answe so I called him and asked how he was getting home and if he was coming. He got got defensive like I was annoying him on a night out but this is a guy who is always in bed by 9:30 or 10 on weeknights and so I was confused. He then says yeah he’s be over and hangs up. 10:45 he calls me to tell me he’s home and not going to make it over. That he’s sorry and I said I was pissed because all night I assumed he was and was going to look over my work thing. He is hammered and getting mad. So I said I didn’t want to talk right now and hung up. Did I overreact or was he being immature and disrespectful?
from my experience I know if a guy says I am going out and will be over later, have 0 hopes that he will actually come to see you after, regardless why would you even want to see him after a night out?
I would be annoyed if I went out and my bf was messaging me what time you coming or are you even coming, I know he told you he will see you but as soon as he said I am meeting an old friend you should let him be completely free that evening , not expecting him to come see you after.
don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t be happy if i was in your position but I think this situation is a huge misunderstanding.
I think u need to cut some slack in this instance. He was out with an old frnd and got drunk. Who wld want to work or help with work stuff in such circumstance? Let it go. Actually u continuously messaging and asking abt helping you with work knowing hes drunk sounds a litl annoying. Let this go.
Okay I can see point from both of you.
But he told me he was going out for 1 drink at 6:30pm on a Wednesday and said I’ll be home after and definitely help you with your project. (Knowing I’ve been very stressed at work) I’m supposed to just assume that means he will get blackout drunk and not come and it’s crazy for me to expect that he would?
it is not crazy to expect that but men will also say I am going out for one drink but not many of them actually go for one drink haha
From what you are saying your bf doesn’t go out much so when he finally did he went out out. It is healthy to let him enjoy his time without you and be cool about it as much as possible.
It is hard to say but maybe when he said it he is going out for one drink he actually meant it, but then things happened and he was enjoying his time and stayed longer.
And we can all argue that he could’ve messaged you saying sorry I won’t be coming tonight instead of you chasing him for answer but men are simple creatures and he probably didn’t even think of it as he was enjoying time with his old friend.
I hope you trust your and don’t think he was out with someone else.
This will sound harsh, but you were mothering him. You (and him) are old enough to know that there is no such thing as “one drink” in this context. You should’ve laughed when he said it will be just one drink and told him to have fun. I understand where your disappointment comes from, but you both were fooling yourselves with assumptions (You might say being immature).
Also, the moment a person says they’re drunk, they are “useless” for the rest of the day/night. There was really no point of you calling him whether he’ll come and help, it was clear from the situation that he won’t help. Look it from the other side, do you know how loudly men (well not just men) snore when they’re drunk? You would’ve been tired the whole next day.
So basically the answer to all of your questions is yes.
Slightly irritated and disappointed is reasonable.
Starting a fight with someone who is drunk is just not very effective and creates a lot of drama where it is not needed.
That was 100% not the time to address it. When he texted you, I’m drunk the response is:
Oh, ok, having a great night. Let’s connect tmrw.
Not… snarky, then a call, then an argument with someone drunk.
Ask him for: “next time you are having fun with your friends, just text me that you can’t come before 9, then I can go about my night”. Make it a request, and say it will keep misunderstandings down.
Let this go. At the end of the day, the assignmnt is ur responsibility, not his. He may hv had full intentions of helping out when he offered to help but it just dint work out that way. Its ok. At times we do promise with honest intentions but cant deliver. It happens. Dont make this a big deal.
His boss just called asking if I’d heard from him because he didn’t show up and wasn’t answering. So I would say he’s not just disappointing me.
Did you not hear from him either ?
He’s probably got a hangover & is sleeping it off…
You are overreacting. I wholeheartedly agree with the other ladies here. What do you think would have been accomplished work-wise if he came over drunk? Nothing good. As was pointed out… it was your work not his. It sounds like he got caught up in the moment with an old friend. These things happen. If he is a good bf otherwise there’s no point dragging this out and causing a wedge between the two of you.
Also, why is his boss calling you? That seems weird to me. And as Raven said… he’s probably hung over and sleeping it off.
I can see points to what you are saying but for a 29 year old mad to blow off his girlfriend to get black out drunk on a Wednesday enough to no call no show his job seems a bit much and I’m in the wrong for being upset.
How many times has he done this previously?
I don’t think you overreacted although maybe you could have controlled your responses a little better on that night. He was going out for an early drink with a friend and promised to come and help you with a work project he knew you were anxious about. He didn’t show and texts that he’s blasted. On a week night. I’d be pissed – I would just say that texting with a drunk person isn’t productive. Better to take it up the next day when he’s sober.
But he’d be on probation for a while, assuming that’s the first time he’s done something like that and is otherwise reliable. It’s a hair off a dealbreaker. I don’t think you were “mothering” him. He was acting like an irresponsible teenager when he’s well old enough to know better – and my policy is, you act like a child, you get treated like a child.
What’s very concerning though is he didn’t show up for work and his boss is calling you. He’s old enough to be responsible enough to set an alarm and call in if he couldn’t make it. It doesn’t say a lot for him that he regressed to high school behavior so easily, on a week night and blew you off and blew off going to work. Why does his boss have your phone number??
Unless he apologizes profusely and explains himself and promises it will never happen again, I’d say you have grounds for ending this relationship. These are major red flags you shouldn’t ignore. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He’s shown you a lot and it’s not good. Too many women ignore the writing on the wall.
A guy in his late 20s missing work without calling in because he’s hungover, or still drunk, on a Thursday morning is a huge huge huge warning sign. Were you snarky about his being drunk because he was breaking plans you were counting on, or is it because he has a tendency to not be able to stick with one drink and you’re worried about his alcohol consumption?
I agree you should have dropped the entire conversation and told him to get home safe once he said he was drunk. No work was getting done at that point. Doesn’t mean you didn’t have a right to be angry that he left you in a lurch, but there was no point in discussing it then. There are still a lot of questions here about what’s normal behavior for him and if this is the first time he’s done something like this, if he’s going through a tough time, if you suspect a drinking problem, etc etc. Bailing on you that night was irresponsible (though maybe predictable if you had work planned after drinks), and may or may not have been a big deal on its own depending. But the fact he didn’t call into work the next day is a really big deal, especially combined with his behavior towards you the night before, so from there I don’t think you’re overreacting.
It seems we have team getting drunk after work on a weekday is not a problem (I strongly suspect most of us are Europeans) and team drinking on a workday is a problem (Americans?).
European and American definition of drinking problem are worlds apart…
For me, drinks after work are not a problem, provided the person shows up to work the next day. It’s clear though, if one goes “a drink” after work, there will be a few drinks and they’re done for the day.
What definitely is a problem is him oversleeping work and even worse, his boss making it your problem. That’s the part where you could rightfully bite his head off
Eva, in America there’s no issue with going out for drinks after work with colleagues or friends on a “school night” as we call it, for an hour or two. But you don’t drink for hours and wind up blasted by 10 pm and fail to show up where you should be, on the night or the next day.
if it’s happened just once then why so much fuss? unless this is regular behavior, I really don’t see any problem. he slipped up this time. that’s ok.
AngieBaby, over here an after work drink starts around 6pm and we do end up tipsy/drunk by 10pm. Everyone is expected to know their boundaries so they can get up the next day, some stay until midnight, others go home at 10. There is nowhere else you should be afterwards.
Maybe it’s cultural, for me it’s very weird why they both expected he’ll be useful after going for drinks with an old friend. It was a promise he couldn’t keep right from the start.
Not showing up to work is obviously a huge problem everywhere. His boss made it Sam’s problem.
Again, maybe cultural, bosses shouldn’t be calling non-livein partners of their employees about their whereabouts. HR department (not the direct boss) can make an inquiry to an emergency contact if an employee fails to make contact a few days
Oversleeping to the point of being unresponsive to the calls is objectively irresponsible and unprofessional. If it happens again then the guy has a problem.
@Sam, Even if he HAD shown up at your place later that night he would have been drunk & useless.
It’s a very good thing that he was NOT driving to your place in his intoxicated state!
Eva, then that’s where Europeans differ from Americans. On a weeknight, people can go out with friends, have one or two and go home, and that’s the norm, to start at 5 pm happy hour and leave no later than 7, 7:30 when happy hour is over. It’s not the norm as far as I know, unless it’s someplace like NYC and it’s a younger crowd, to stay out that late drinking on a weeknight. So in America, it wouldn’t be unrealistic to say, hey, I’m grabbing a drink after work – meaning ONE, no more than two – and coming over later to help you out. At least in my part of the US.