This topic contains 20 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by mama 4 days, 17 hours ago.
October 30, 2016 at 10:54 am #574592
My bf and I have been dating over 2 years and we have a solid relationship and treat each other very well. When we first started dating he was ALL OVER me and now it’s like he hardly compliments me. I am a little insecure but I’m working on that. I take pride in myself , wear nice clothes, go to the gym, and I am an attractive young woman(also ten years younger than him). I just don’t understand why he doesn’t tell me I’m beautiful or sexy more often like he used to. Once in a while he say you look good tn or something like that, but it is so frustrating bc I spend so much time and effort into my appearance not only for my myself but in efforts to look good for him! I feel like does he even notice? Every now and then I will catch him checking out another hot girl and I cant help but think to myself…. does he wish I looked like her and is that why he doesn’t compliment me a lot. It really hurts bc I don’t know what I am doing wrong… or I can just be overthinking this whole thing. He knows that guys hit on me when I go out and he catches them checking me out even when we are together, but he is so nonchalant about it and doesn’t SEEM to bother him(these guys are attractive too). Everyone says that I can do better then him meaning that I am too good looking for him, but I don’t see it like that I am very attracted to him. He is kind of nerdy looking but it is kind of sexy and he is still attractive. He is kind of like a John Krasinski type with a great personality. If he can admire other girls beauty does that mean I am not good enough for him? Or he is just settling with me. I guess in the early stages of the relationship it is all new and fresh and sexy, but now I feel like I am old news to him and he wants something different? We have great sex and he is usually the one to initiate it, but is it really that hard to get just a little bit of feedback on my appearance from him? When we are together in public ,with friends, or alone he is always touching me a lot and is very physically affectionate but he doesn’t say much. Is there something I can do to make him notice me? I do not know if I want to discuss this with him, bc I don’t want to come off as insecure and needy or SHALLOW. But cmon every girl deserves to know she is admired by her lover. And yes I know just like every one else says”well he is with you bc of who you are and not just bc of your looks” , but I don’t really buy that bc I pay some attention to his looks and even compliment him a lot. I am getting mad even just writing this and I know I should’t It just pisses me off like is that that oblivious?October 30, 2016 at 11:39 am #574595
He does think you are attractive. He thinks you KNOW he thinks you are attractive….so he does not have to tell you anymore.
This is the way a man thinks. Not the way a woman thinks.
How to get him to compliment more is to admire him when he does. If he says you look good tell him how happy that makes you to hear him say that. It always makes you so happy when he notices your appearance. When he equates your happiness with his compliments he will compliment more.
Crazy I know but he wants to make you happy and does not know that this makes you happy.October 30, 2016 at 1:28 pm #574614
No man is going to constantly reassure you about your looks. You need to get a grip. This is your insecurity and has nothing to do with him.October 30, 2016 at 1:47 pm #574620
Waaaaait a second. Insecurities my ass.
Surely he can compliment his GF every now and then. It is part of being a BF. Not a lot of work to say ‘wow, you are so sexy’, is it?
The bad news is that you can’t talk a guy into doing it. He takes you for granted. The only way to stop and change that is to make him fear that he might lose you. To a younger better looking guy. I think you know what I mean.October 30, 2016 at 3:47 pm #574635
Jen I dont need to “get a grip” it would just feel nice to be wanted. I never said that I need him to constantly reassure me. I just want him to say it once in a while bc it makes me feel good and I like to compliment him to….that is what two people in a romantic relationship do to make one another feel special. And Nat I get what your saying and I have thought about that a long time ago,but I feel like that would be playing games and I dont wan’t to get a [point across while hurting him in the process, I also think he would catch on that I am trying to make him jealous.October 30, 2016 at 5:18 pm #574651
Ok don’t make him jealous. Sit around and sulk. Watch him take you for granted more and more. Until you stop feeling attractive.October 30, 2016 at 5:34 pm #574655
Jealousy games always backfire…October 30, 2016 at 5:51 pm #574657
I’m with redcurleysue. He’s probably told you many, many times how good you look, etc. He just assumes you know it without him having to say it.
I also agree with the positive reinforcement idea. Be super happy when he does pay you a compliment. Tell him how much it means to you. Then he’ll want to do it more often.
Don’t worry, he’s acting perfectly normally. He’s just thinking you know how he feels after 2 years and he doesn’t have to tell you all the time any more.October 30, 2016 at 8:20 pm #574679
I agree with the folks who say he’s told you many times so he probably assumes you know already. Most men don’t understand how women work.
I’m curious how often you compliment him on how sexy he is. And also, a compliment about someone’s other qualities and strengths often means much more than “you’re so good looking.”
Can you try demonstrating what you like by paying him some genuine compliments? Don’t expect him to start reciprocating right away… if you’re paying him a compliment in order to get one in return, that will feel yucky and manipulative. Give him sincere compliments because it feels good when you express gratitude for your partner. it will make YOU happier. Good luckOctober 30, 2016 at 8:41 pm #574680
I compliment him bc I mean it and I want him to know I am attracted to him and appreciate him. Not every day bc we don’t live together but pretty often I do ,but I don’t really keep track. I’ll compliment him on how his hair looks a certain way or when he cleans up well and just tell him hes sexy(doesn’t seem to phase him). I don’t just give appearance compliments, I will compliment him on stuff he does and his accomplishments even his ambition I admire. Maybe your right , guys don’t think they need to tell us they would rather show us. He does a lot for me and he knows I appreciate him. One thing he does compliment me on is my strengths or he always tells me how proud he is of me when it comes to school or work. He always wants me around when he is with his family. It isn’t the end of the world I just wonder why some guys don’t do that down the road and some guys absolute can’t resist their girls.
I know looks aren’t everything but yeah sometimes I would like to hear him say romantic stuff like that. Maybe he shows his attraction for me in different ways. I feel like in the earl stages guys have to impress the girl more and say corny stuff to appease her but deep down he knows shes attractive and doesn’t feel the need to say it anymore after a few years.October 30, 2016 at 9:27 pm #574686
I disagree with others here. Some guys may think you only need to say “I love you” and “you are beautiful” once, but that is not how a relationship should work. A healthy relationship is a constant give and take. You cannot do one nice thing for a person and then say, “K that’s it.” You wouldn’t say, “Hey, I bought them a gift last birthday, why would I do it again”. The happiest couples I know are day in and day out, through words and actions, showing that they love one another. If you are together for the long haul, you need to keep showing it. The best guys out there do compliment often. But we cannot all get those types. I agree with M that you have to train him. Tell him how sexy and happy it makes you feel when he compliments you. Do not be mad when he does not compliment, instead let him know you are happy when he does.October 30, 2016 at 10:25 pm #574698
lol Amanda. ‘Train him?’ Like you would a bull terrier? Hysterical.
How about appreciating that he treats you well and stop complaining about what he doesn’t do? If nothing’s wrong, you can guarantee a woman will find something wrong and ruin everything,
Stop tying up so much of your esteem and relationship into him playing up your vanity. It’s childish.October 30, 2016 at 10:39 pm #574703
If you need more compliments, I think you should tell him it’s important to you. If your compliments don’t phase him, then he might not see the same value in verbal affirmation as you do. I’m glad to read that he expresses his appreciation for you in other ways, though.
it’s best when you can just reward the behaviour you want by telling him at the time how much you like it when he does it. But that doesn’t always get a guy to clue in. You could also tell him that you love it when he tells you you’re sexy even before he does it. You can start with that and then escalate your request if that doesn’t work.October 30, 2016 at 10:44 pm #574705
Telling a man to give you compliments just can’t be rewarding. Wouldn’t you rather have him do it because he feels like it or wants to? It’s like anything. When you force someone to do something they don’t want to or feels need to, it doesn’t work. And frankly, if you have to ask for it, it’s fake.
He is obviously attracted to you. I think you need therapy, because this is such a crazy thing to be upset about,
It’s not like he withholds affection, love, doesn’t treat you well.
And I agree with there’s, that just because you compliment him doesn’t mean he really cares or needs it. People with higher esteems don’t need to feed of of others to feel good about themselves.November 1, 2016 at 3:16 pm #575101
I was with my boyfriend fir 16 months.
The firs year he always complimented me, and things started to change. He stoped complimenting me. I like you always made sure when we went out I looked great. I am in great shape and take care of myself. He took me for granted. Three minths ago he dumped me. Just keep your antenas up. Nat is right. He needs to feel you can teplace him. If he is too secure you live him, he will be like my ex, totally confident you will never leave and loose the excitment.November 1, 2016 at 3:17 pm #575104
Sorry for the typos. My keyboard keeps change to the lettersNovember 1, 2016 at 3:29 pm #575108
Redcurleysue hit it on the nose.
This is not a problem to be over-analyzed, he thinks you’re beautiful, he is very attracted to you, HE THINKS YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT.
I had this happen with my boyfriend as well, he’s not very big into verbal affection (he’s very much a cuddly, touchy guy). I told him it makes me feel special when he compliments me, low and behold, he started complimenting again. If it helps, also have the love language conversation. This problem is easily fixed with communication, just tell him what you want him to do. I guarantee you his opinion of your looks hasn’t changed.November 1, 2016 at 3:39 pm #575114
The problem is you being so superficial.
You won’t be young and beautiful forever. If that’s what you rely on for feeling good, you will be very disappointed in the years to come. Because then, you won’t be hotter than the girls your man is looking at.
What keeps a man interested is looks but more than that, is your personality and what’s inside.May 3, 2021 at 6:42 am #866253
Hi Bri, this may be a long shot, but I came across your post just now and am feeling and experiencing EVERY word you have mentioned. I just don’t know that to do! I am feeling sad about this all the time. Am I able to talk to you about it? What did you do to overcome this?
JessMay 3, 2021 at 1:25 pm #866300
J, as this thread is very old, you can try starting a new post.
It sounds like in both situations it’s a combination of your own insecurities combined with you and your partners having different love languages. You want to hear words of affirmation, and that’s not how the partners think to express themselves. Talk to your partner about it directly, that you appreciate the other ways he expresses affection but hearing compliments makes you feel especially loved. Then in the future give him positive reinforcement when he verbally compliments you. There’s more information about the 5 love languages and how mismatches can cause relationship issues if the partners aren’t aware if you do an internet search. If he’s not otherwise withholding love and the relationship is healthy with few problems, he’s probably expressing himself another way that is his love language so thinks you already know how he feels, and you’re both missing each other’s cues.
But if it’s making you as sad as you say, you also likely need to work on your own self-esteem because partners can’t be responsible for your feelings about yourself. Good partners should be loving and kind and respectful and supportive, but not the source of your self-worth.May 3, 2021 at 5:54 pm #866340
Good advice Maddie! I think she needs to start her own thread as well, it would get some good feedback. This isn’t necessarily a relationship site though… it’s mainly for dating issues, so I’m not sure this is the best forum for either of these posters looking for advice.
If only we all came with a manual about how best to show us love.