Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Am I right for not expecting my bf to contact me while on mini trip with friends
- This topic has 17 replies and was last updated 2 years, 4 months ago by
AngieBaby.
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Kiara
My boyfriend went on a 3-day vacation to the mountains with his buddies. I don’t expect him to contact me or keep in touch but also won’t be contacting him as I respect his time with his friends. We talked a bit in the night when he left my place, he came to bring me a surprise gift (glass wines) so I messaged and thanked him. We said I love you via texts and this morning I texted him:
“Have lots of fun and send my regards! we’ll catch up soon.” Don’t want him to think he’s obligated to check in or reply but to enjoy his time without worrying he has to contact me.
They also invited me but I couldn’t make it due to work obligations. I know he went to celebrate for a friend’s bachelor so I’m trying to not to feed negative ideas or assume he’ll be cheating. I know the real reason I’m projecting is because I’ve been talking to my ex without telling him and was one step away from actually meeting with him for a weekend away. I feel awful and so I feel like I’m deserving this anxiety. I’ve been chatting also with few guys while he’s away. How should I keep it cool? I know that I love and trust him but deep down I’m insecure af.
Raven
Why are you emotionally cheeting on your BF?
Liz Lemon
There’s nothing your boyfriend can get up to in the mountains, except drinking/drugs. It’s not like they’re going to strip clubs. There’s no reason he needs to contact you, he should be able to enjoy the few days with his friends and not have it be a problem.
But don’t you think the issue here is that you’re “one step away” from going away for the weekend with your ex, and chatting with other guys behind your boyfriend’s back?!
The problem I see is that YOU are essentially cheating, by chatting with other guys, and talking to your ex to the point where you’re thinking of going away with him. So you’re totally focusing on the wrong thing. Ask yourself why you’re doing this. If you’re that insecure, maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship, as it’s not fair to your partner. You should work your insecurity issues out on your own and not drag a boyfriend into it.
Rox
Hi Kiara,
I would say the title of your post is incorrect to what you really want to talk about.
– I think you agree that your boyfriend does not need to contact you for 3 days while in a remote area.To me, it sounds like you need constant male attention. Why not go out with some girlfriends for drinks? OR take the time for yourself. Embelish it! Time for what you can focus on: work, fitness, hobbies that he does not relate to.
What is appealing to you to talk to other men? Do they flirt with you knowing you are in a relationship? Is it reassuring to you because it’s from a man? Do you feel like it is not going well with your boyfriend and need to scout out for someone else? Get to the root of why you feel this way, for yourself. Best to you.
AngieBaby
What’s the real point of this post?? The headline is are you right for not expecting him to contact you on a three day trip. Honey… a three day trip is a blip. Why are you asking total strangers for validation for something you have to know is perfectly OK? This smacks of some kind of virtue signaling – yeah, you’re such a cool GF that he can go away on a long weekend and you’re not hanging around by the phone.
Oh but wait – you’re half a step away from definitely emotionally cheating and possibly physically cheating by seeing an ex behind your BF’s back while he’s away, plus you’re chatting up other guys. So really, you don’t want him to contact you and interrupt you with someone else.
I”m asking you straight: what are you playing at??
You’re damn straight you deserve the anxiety. You’re doing something you know is wrong. How do you “keep it cool”?? Woman up and either be faithful or let your BF go find someone who will be loyal to him and only him.
You’re insecure and this is why you’re doing this? Oh… boohoo. Grow up. Deal with your insecurities with a therapist and stop using all these men. And you are USING all these men without any regard for their feelings.
I came down on you harder than anyone I’ve ever responded to here. Because I think you need to hear this is complete BS and you need to get a grip and take responsibility for yourself and your dishonest choices and behavior.
Sorry not sorry.
AngieBaby
I’m also going to go on the record to say I”m not convinced this is a real post.
Raven
Agreed
Gaia
If this is a real post you are one of the women that tick me off and ruin good men. Liz and Angiebaby are absolutely right. Fix yourself and stop playing games behind your boyfriends back or end it with him and be single since you are acting like it.
Kiara
I think I didn’t get over my ex and reconnecting even friendly at the beginning really disoriented me. But I don’t love him the way I love my boyfriend. I deleted all numbers and accounts from guys and told those who kept texting me to stop. This is my first committed relationship I’m not really in touch how being loyal to your SO works. I never intented to hurt him. When he comes back I will open my heart and tell him what I did. It was only few chats, I never really wanted to meet with anybody. Probably yes the male attention that I used to get as single but I wasn’t serious also about my relationship. Now I am and I got disgusted with myself. I texted him and told him I didn’t mean it when I said f***ing other people is alright but he misinterpreted it and replied that I shouldn’t worry cause there are only guys there but I meant that I don’t want to screw around and date him exclusively. I told him to enjoy the trip and that I trust him. I couldn’t spill it out over texts better face to face.
mama
1. I think this post is fake.
2. I think Kiara and Rox are the same person.Please don’t waste people’s time.
Rox
hi @mama,
I am definatley not Kiara. That is ludicrous. I have posted before for over a year, I’m sure Admin can verify. This accusation is unhealthy of this forum.
RoxMaddie
Okay so assuming you’re earnest here, how long have you been dating your bf? You’ve already DTRed? Because it sounds like you’re calling him your boyfriend but not entire sure that you’re both actually exclusive? And were testing him through half-jokes while also feeling you were in murky territory with your ex?
Since this is your first serious relationship, “loyalty” basically amounts to full transparency with each other in regards to expectations and what you’re both comfortable with. That does not mean lying by omission making things “technically” okay if you feel you’re doing something he wouldn’t be comfortable with if he knew. It means knowing what you both expect and choosing to respect that and not act in acts that would hurt your bf whether he knows or not. In this case, you have bad boundaries with your ex and don’t trust yourself, although your gut is telling you dealing with your ex is wrong (hence all the anxiety and projection) so you should trust yourself enough to listen to it.
Since nothing has actually happened with your ex yet and you’re realizing that you need to make some choices and improve your boundaries and move on from him, and that you don’t feel solid enough with the boundaries of the relationship you’re in, I don’t think you need to tell your boyfriend you were going to meet up with your ex. I think you should instead tell him that your ex reached out and you answered because texting with him made you realize there was unfinished business, but you are going to tell him you’re with someone else and to please stop reaching out and then you’re going to block him. And from there, you can discuss your own insecurities and your mutual expectations in a relationship and what you’re both looking for to make sure it’s compatible.
The rest of what your describing sounds like you do have trust and insecurity issues on your end that you need to sort out on your own, issues you had before meeting your bf and that he hasn’t caused. There are lots of sources online and elsewhere for advice about building self-esteem (and not relying on men for validation or attention) and learning better relationship and communication skills and personal boundaries. Those would be good places to start if you are looking to be happier with yourself and a better partner.
ANM StaffKeymasterDon’t worry, everyone. :)
I’ve had my eye on things and chose not to walk-into this topic, but maybe I should’ve stepped-in earlier just to let everyone know that, yes, I saw the conversation.
I’ll make some quick comments:
@mama, @Rox – don’t worry, Rox is fine! I know folks are a bit suspicious about this topic thread and a few others recently, but from my perspective they’ve been innocent incidents (even if it’s been frustrating for our community). So mama, don’t worry, I’m not worried. :)
@Kiara:
You’ve visited this forum before, and I hope people’s advice has been helpful to you. Here’s the thing: As others have pointed-out, the way you presented this topic has made people suspicious. You started with an innocent-sounding topic, and then the topic suddenly changed to a question of emotional infidelity. The sudden “turn” in the topic has makes it feel like the question is not serious. That’s why several people in this thread are expressing that they feel like the question is fake.
I don’t think that was your intention, but I think it’s reasonable for people to react poorly when a topic takes a “twist” like that. My advice: When you are anxious about a topic and you want to ask about it here, be direct about what you are worried about! That will help avoid people becoming suspicious.
I have one other piece of advice – this is important: You are welcome to post here but PLEASE stick with a consistent name when you start new topics in the future. And also, please mention to people that you’ve posted a topic before! When you directly mention that you’ve posted before, then everyone understands that you want to continue a conversation, and that you’re not trying to hide details from before. That will help people relax.
With all that said – I hope the advice from people has given you helpful things to think about. If you feel like the advice really helps, let us know! If the advice doesn’t help, then it’s still okay to let us know — just try to have a conversation with us to help us understand what makes sense and what doesn’t.
Good luck!
mama
Sorry Rox! It just seems like there are a bit more questionable posts popping up lately and I gauged this particular instance incorrectly. That’s on me, I apologize.
Rox
hi @mama – all good. Apology accepted.
Is my advice so poor ? :) lol. I’ll stick to my day job.
cheers and have a good day.Ewa
first part of the story yeah you are right not to expect, however the guy I am dating went on a weekend away with his mates and kept me updated, no long messages etc but at least he stayed in touch even though I said to him enjoy etc, but generally I wouldn’t expect someone to message me when away although as a woman I would , but I guess we are different.
Kiara
I talked to my bf told him what I’ve been doing and about talking to my ex. We had a long honest talk and decided to be exclusive. I asked him if this is something he wanted to and he said i thought we already were and then concluded that it’s the best decision we can make about us as a couple. I told my ex that I need to move on and then blocked him. It’s been a week since my bf came back from vacations. He started texting me more leaving me random cute texts but sometimes when we go out I can sense that he can’t trust me and I don’t blame him. We went to a club last week and we both drunk and danced a lot and took my hand and asked me to sit down and talk. He basically gave me a little speech how much his life changed since he met me and that we are connecting on a deeper level and that he feels damn lucky he met me. I don’t remember a lot of things cause I was also very drunk and didn’t really pay attention. Basically we told each other we are much in love. Couple of days ago I learned that he paid for our NYE party for a club and he announced that to me saying that i will be his plus one. He introduced me to his friends who told him that we are both nerds and they couldn’t believe their socially odd friend kind of geek found a gf. I am pretty much the same. While dancing he told me “I feel like we are much alike and you understand me like no one. I just want to make you happy and satisfied.” He refuses to talk about how he really felt about my micro cheating and says he forgave me but I’m not sure. Now it feels when my phone rings or I get a text I have to explain who and what although he never asks me. He started accompanying me to parties and social events whereas before he would go out with his friends and me with my friends and I’m not sure if he does this only to make sure that I won’t cheat or realized that he wasn’t giving much attention before. I am a bit confused.
AngieBaby
Kiara, there’s nothing to be confused about here. More straight talk coming if you can handle it and hear it.
You really need to get a grip on your anxiety. You’re getting within spitting distance of ruining a very good thing with a decent guy and driving him away if you keep second guessing everything and projecting your guilt and insecurities on him.
His response to your confession was to want to be exclusive and double down on showing you he’s serious about you. Everything you said he’s been doing is positive proof he’s very committed to you. Does that freak you out or something? Because any other woman I can think of would be pleased as punch at his attention and commitment.
You are making this way, way harder than it is. Either learn to relax and enjoy being in a good relationship or let this guy go find someone who really wants him and can handle his love and kindness.
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