Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Am I making too many excuses for him?
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 3 years, 8 months ago by
Trixie.
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Rebekah
I’ve been seeing this guy for three months and I like him, and he likes me. Initially, we went on a date and we didn’t sleep with each other right away, so it seemed more serious than a friends with benefits situation. We continued seeing each other regularly, he’d do nice things for me that were very sweet. He seemed to really care and I had no doubts at all. Although I wasn’t initially looking for a relationship, I like him a lot now and wanted to know it was going in that direction.
So after two months I casually brought it up and everything flipped. It became a really difficult situation, he never really gave me an answer (and if it isn’t yes then its no). He was low-key gas lighting me… But in the end he explained it wasn’t personal to me as he did like me, however he does this with every girl he gets close to after his ex cheated on him with his best friend… So I do understand why he is maybe reluctant to get too serious when he is still hurt from the past. We moved past the situation as I do like him and felt I could give him space and time (although knowing this issue would inevitably reappear at some point).
For me, I am very much happy single and would rather be entirely single, or in a labelled, committed relationship. I don’t like the middle ground of just sleeping with someone and not knowing what the situation is.
Thus, I don’t want to waste my time on something going nowhere. So I’m looking for advice. I have read all the articles and signs that he doesn’t want anything, and it just isn’t clear either way.He makes effort to see me and often initiates it. If he hadn’t freaked out previously I wouldn’t have any doubts about the situation from the way he treats me. He has shared a lot of personal things with me and shown he trusts me. He always talks about me to our mutual friend, saying how much he likes me and things… but I know I can’t keep going with it being in this middle ground place. I feel I can never find a guy who wants a relationship with me. I know my self worth but I do really like him, hence the reason I’m finding it hard to walk away. Maybe I need to have the chat with him again, but I just don’t know… what if he doesn’t give me an answer again?
Rebekah
P.s. I know he isn’t speaking to anyone else, or seeing anyone else. We are ‘exclusive’… but he just won’t commit further. He does thoughtful things like buying my favourite chocolate in his food shop and picking up wine and chocolate clearly marked vegan… the bar is kind of low but I just am confused…
Raven
Why should he change when he gets you on his terms?
Raven
Apparently, he’s been doing this for a while, using his ex as an excuse… How long ago was that break up?
Raven
There’s a glitch in the site & I can’t post anything but a sentence at a time…
How many other girls have left him for this very reason? Sounds like a couple?
Maddie
If you need to ask the question, am I making too many excuses for someone, then the answer is yes.
His baggage isn’t your fault and has nothing to do with you, but he’s projecting it on to you and taking it out on you. That means he hasn’t dealt with it, which tells you a lot about his emotional health and how he handles problems and stress. All negative and immature. Not relationship material, unfortunately.
AngieBaby
PLEASE end this. He’s told you exactly what’s he’s like and he isn’t going to change. He isn’t doing the work to heal from his ex. You will never do anything but pay for what she did. I’ve learned the hard way to stay away from men who have been cheated on. Most of them never, ever get over it and they take it out on you.
You’re settling for crumbs. Draw on your self worth and walk. You deserve better than someone else’s leftovers, which is all he is to any woman unfortunately, until he decides to do the work and change.
T from NY
I’m so sorry. It’s awful! Men who continue on KNOWING y’all don’t want the same things. I’ve had this EXACT situation. That man treated me like a queen. But I was not his girlfriend. It did not end until I ended. He still hits me up. Complete gentleman.
Words AND actions matter. It has to be both. Consistently. Got it to be more than friends with benefits. It just does. The “almosts” can be the most confusing and hardest to walk away from. Don’t let it be confusing. Stop reading articles. Your inner voice doesn’t lie. Neither has he. Believe both.
Trixie
The advice I offer is to let him go. Don’t ignore your gut feelings. If he wants you, this move (valuing yourself) will get him to realize his feelings of seeing you as the one for him.
Trixie
…potentially speaking.
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