Am I in the Wrong? Am I not understanding something? Please tell me


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This topic contains 25 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  A 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #781957 Reply

    A

    Hi All,

    Please let me know if you believe I am in the wrong or if I am not understanding something?

    Myself and this girl have been seeing each other for a long while now, but we are NOT an ‘item’ or in a labelled relationship. However, we are heading that way and are exclusive. We are on the same page about this.

    We have been seeing each other a lot recently and things are going well. However, earlier today she said the following: “I am not going to be available for the next 3-4 months”. I asked her if she’ll be able to see me still and she said: “No because I need to save money”. She needs to save money for her new bedroom due to a house extension which starts very soon.

    As you can imagine, I am not happy about this. This is because the girl I like so much and want to spend time with is now telling me she can’t spend time with me for the next 3-4months which I thing is a very long time – 1/3 of a year. This has caused a little argument because I have told her that it makes me feel like she doesn’t really care and doesn’t want to spend time with me. It does genuinely make me feel like that even though she hasn’t said that explicitly.

    Of course, I understand she needs to save money, I have no problem with that at all. The problem I have is that she is 100% able to make the time so we can see each other but she is telling me she cant? I would especially understand if we spent a lot of money when we go out, but we don’t? Literally £0-20 maybe? What also annoys me, is that I always make time for her and always have done.

    Although she has not said specifically that she does not care about me, or not like me, or does not want to spend time with me, this situation has completely made me feel like that. I feel like a bit of a mug because it feels like the emotions are one way rather than two.

    Please let me know if you think I am in the wrong or not understanding something? For me, when 2 people like each other, they make time for each other and want to spend time together, even though it may not be convenient every time. Would you be happy if your ‘other half’ turned around and said this to you?

    Cheers

    #781961 Reply

    Shoshannah

    Could that be a womens-speak for you’re not contributing enough? Meaning her beeing worried that dating you is getting expensive and she expects you to step up? We do drop hints like that, so I’m not sure if it’s about money, but it’s definitely about something (that you did or did not do).

    #781966 Reply

    A

    Hi Shoshannah,

    I disagree with this in every way. After she has told me this actually, I am thinking to just let her go. She has led me on and messed me around before but recently, I wanted to give this one final go and then she says this.

    I have always been willing to do everything and anything for that girl but it has never been replicated by her with me.

    Think this is the final nail in the coffin

    #781967 Reply

    A

    *Something I should have mentioned in my original post*

    I and this girl have had a past where she has led me on and been really selfish even though she knows how I feel. You may be thinking why did I give it another chance then? My short-term feelings got the better of me and I gave in to giving it another go.

    #781968 Reply

    anon

    Unless dating you is a money suck (and it can be- some women maybe don’t pay for dates, but pay for clothes, hair done, nails, waxing etc.). But unless she looks super put together on each date or you are always splitting the check at pricey places, “I won’t be available” is probably a nice way of telling you she is not that into you. Bottom line, if she was into you, she’d find a way to save money and date you (its not that hard for women).

    #781977 Reply

    kaye

    If she has led you on and messed you around before then to me it sounds like she is again!! A woman interested in a man doesn’t say she’s not going to be available to see him for the next 3-4 months just to save money! I mean what would stop her from seeing you once a week just for Netflix and chill date? Seriously it’s like $8 a month for Netflix or Amazon Prime! She’s dumping you because I assume she’s had another option come along.

    But I’m curious, did you split the tab on dates or did you pay?

    #781978 Reply

    Dangerouse

    She is informing you she wants you to leave her alone. Don’t pretend you don’t understand.

    #781998 Reply

    Shoshannah

    A, I get what you’re saying and if you feel you’ve been led on before, you should trust your gut. What struck me in your original message is that everything was going well until suddenly she said she won’t be available now. That’s exactly what women do when they try to communicate some frustration or disaproval but fail to do it properly. However, I don’t have enough information and I’m not saying that must have been the case. Also, a good girlfriend material would ideally have better communication skills.

    #781999 Reply

    Shoshannah

    When my man annoys me, instead of telling him openly what annoyed me, I would sometimes say that I’m just “not in the mood”. I know that this is childish, counter-productive and overall wrong, but still I sometimes do it. See what I mean? By your original post, it seems like something like that might have happened. It’s up to you if you want to put up with it or not (and I would understand if not, especially in the early stages).

    #782009 Reply

    A

    Hi All,

    Thanks for your replies.

    I do agree with you. We have had a big argument about this and I have barely spoken to her since (what a nice way to start 2020).

    She is claiming it has nothing to do with if she likes me or if she cares about me or anything like that. She claims I am assuming and making it that way. BUT, like you said Anon, If she was into me, she’d find a way to save money and still see me.

    @Kaye – Yes she has seriously messed me around before. I think partially due to us being young and ‘inexperienced’ but she has also been very selfish when she knows how I feel about her. Whether she consciously knows what she’s doing or not, it has still happened. Like you say Kaye above, we don’t even do expensive things at all? Regarding the bills, it honestly varies. Sometimes I pay for everything, sometimes she pays for everything and other times we split it. She is not a user for money if that’s what you may be thinking. She doesn’t depend on a man.

    @Dangerouse – That’s how it makes me feel, but when I straight up confront her and tell her that’s how it makes me feel, she claims its nothing like that all and I’ve interpreted this in another way and got it wrong? But I 100% disagree with that.

    @Shoshannah – I have been messed around before, I have such deep strong feelings for this girl and that’s why I gave it another chance. Up until this, things were going so well. Like I said above though when confronting her, she claims I’ve got this wrong?

    Bottom line is that I absolutely think the world of this girl. I am so so gutted and so hurt by this and the worst part is, is that she doesn’t even remotely understand where I am coming from. She said to me “I never thought you’d react like this to me saving money”. Her saving money is not what I have a problem with, it’s her not willing to make the time to me which says a lot to me. I gave our ‘relationship’ another go and things were really on the up and now this? I am wondering if this really is the final nail in the coffin and I need to move on. I want to get into something knowing that If I am 100% for them which I am, they need to be 100% for me and I cant confidently say that for her about me.

    I think it is time I move on :( Absolutely heartbroken.

    #782019 Reply

    Ss

    This makes no sense. Saving money doesn’t equal not seeing you … you could just have home dates?! I don’t get it! All i can think is she is dumping you but going about it in a really weird way!

    #782026 Reply

    Pizza

    Use that time to get into the best shape shape of your life and find a person who actually doesn’t want to play stupid games and involve you in their life.

    #782042 Reply

    A

    @SS – I know right and when I raised that point she didn’t even understand? I don’t get it either. I confronted her that around if she is just trying to get rid of me but she claims otherwise? Strange

    @Pizza – Finding a person is much easier said than done :( I felt so ready to get into something serious with her as I was 100% invested in her only. I suppose this may be a ‘blessing in disguise’ though as it’s saved me getting heartbroken even worse down the line?

    #782120 Reply

    T from NY

    I am sorry you’re in this mess but I’m going to speak very frankly to you – some of it is your fault. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Sure people can change – but most people’s characters really do not. I support the possibility that people can move past ‘young and dumb’ so I understand why you considered giving it another go.

    But let me be clear — when we tie ourselves emotionally to someone who truly doesn’t invest in us — it means we are ourselves being emotionally unavailable to real love and intimacy. I know you said it was “going great” before all this – but were there really no signs you were much more invested than she? I find her proposition and claim of not wanting to see you due to saving money complete BS. But even if it were true that STILL means she could give you up, any ole time it suits her, for her gain of … whatever. Good on you saying he-ll no and walking away. Please be wary and not allow her unavailability to continue to be like catnip to you. She may someday come back if she’s in a bad spot to “settle” on you and your sweet adoration. And I say settle because no one in love would ask such a thing of their partner. You would always be second choice to her desires wherever the wind takes them.

    I’m sorry your heart feels a little broken. But I absolutely AGREE this is a gift for you. There are many women who are looking for complete devotion. Take some time to grieve and repair. But love yourself enough not to pine long over one who does not appreciate you.

    #782176 Reply

    Ianthe

    The notion that she can’t see you for 3-4 months because she needs ‘to save money’ is truly and utterly ridiculous! How on earth she expected you to understand not to mention accept this is even more bizarre.

    #782195 Reply

    Coral Knight

    I tend to be very poor and the men I am with have tended to be very poor.

    Therefore, we go to very cheap cafe’s and very cheap pubs and even more frequently visit one another’s homes. Do you live near one another?

    You sound hot, by the way, like an alpha male type who is direct and to the point. You shouldn’t have any trouble obtaining other woman.

    #782207 Reply

    Sensy

    My thought is perhaps she does want you to make her her girlfriend because she is investing so much in the relationship.

    #782208 Reply

    Sensy

    *your girlfriend

    #782250 Reply

    Carmen

    As a woman, I can say this is a nice send off. I’m sorry she’s doing this as she should just dump you like a grown mature adult. So look for someone better. Time and effort is free. Walk in a park. Watch netflix. Make dinner. Guaranteed she’s still going to eat for 3 to 4 months right? Cheap dinner? A tv movie? All free. The saving excuse is crap. Please move on. Trust me, a woman like this doesn’t deserve your effort with that lame excuse.

    #783271 Reply

    A

    Hi All,

    Thank you for your replies and I’m sorry I haven’t replied sooner.

    We have had a fair bit of contact since the whole argument but I can now say things between us are officially over. I am genuinely and truly heartbroken. I have never felt a pain like this, and it’s the worst feeling I have ever felt by far.

    @T from NY – Even though there was signs that I was more invested in her than she was me, it still didn’t change the fact how much I loved this girl. Yes that probably is my fault for getting so emotionally attached but me and her had everything I would ever want except a few important things. I am aware though without the important things which i feel was missing, it wasn’t going to work. I was just so so hopeful she’d change the 2nd time.

    @Sensy – I would disagree. The whole reasons we have had issues in the past is because she is not ready for a relationship. A number of reasons I’ll never understand but nether the less, it’s officially over now.

    I hope the pain I feel now does get better. I am not a person to worry about many things, I am very laid back in general. However, I do worry that when I do meet someone else, it won’t be as good as the good parts of what I did have with her. How we got on etc. Like I said, except a few things which are important, we had absolutely everything. Never been so gutted in my life. Truly heartbroken 💔

    #783273 Reply

    Lane

    To be honest, this doesn’t make sense. Someone who cares deeply for or loves someone wouldn’t intentionally not want to spend time with them. I think she is using is as an excuse so she doesn’t have to directly say “I don’t want to see you anymore” and hoping you get that message.

    I would call her on it. If she tries to come crawling back don’t let her back and say you are done being messed around by her. If you keep letting her mess you around then you are teaching her its OK for her to mess you around and that you will take her back. Time to be a hard ass, stand your ground, and go find a nice sweet lady who will love you to bits.

    #783279 Reply

    A

    Hi Lane,

    Unfortunately this is what’s happened :(. I have been messed around by her before and this is because she isn’t ready for a relationship with anyone (it’s not just me, we have been through that in detail various times). She doesn’t know what she wants but because I was so into her, I gave it another chance and really hoped 2nd time around she would change. Clearly that hasn’t happened and I’m genuinely heartbroken.

    I am not sure if she will come back to me. She did come back to me after last time but as this is the 2nd time around, I’m not sure she will. Finally at last, she did admit it would be selfish of her to carry on.

    #783282 Reply

    K

    Alex… for God’s sake how much more BS are you going to tolerate from this girl????

    You’ve posted about this multiple times before. You were told to stop letting her muck you around and let her go, over and over. She’s too young and immature to be in a relationship and you are proving the same is true about you.

    Apparently you still haven’t had enough humiliation and you actually enjoy being treated poorly. You really need to seek counseling instead of posting here because it’s not healthy to be this much of a doormat and you’re not going to take the advice anyone gives you. SMH.

    #783286 Reply

    A

    Hi K,

    This really is the last straw. I was just following up on the replies because I had left it for awhile.

    If anything, this has taught me even more to listen to the advice. This will not be a problem again.

    #783328 Reply

    K

    Good. You deserve a whole lot better.

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