Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Am I coercing him?
- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 3 years, 9 months ago by
tammy.
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Jane
Hello! This is my first time posting so please forgive any mistakes.
I’m going to try and make this as concise as possible. For the past year, my boyfriend has been romanticizing this dream of living together if I was accepted as a transfer to his university. He’d send pics of vacant apartments that he liked, send links to view places online, etc. Well, in May I found out that I got accepted to said prestigious university. Because of current social distancing regulations, I’ve been forced to live off-campus. So, it was perfect timing for us as normally everyone is required to live on campus for all four years at the university. Over drinks a few weeks ago, I expressed that I had some concerns about moving in together; however, I never expressly said that I was against the idea. I only said that we need to be sure that we’re ready for this. After lengthy discussions with my parents, I told him that I was definitely ready. Well, it turns out that he really isn’t as ready as he thought. In the time between me voicing concerns and now, he’s asked me to say no to anyone who asked me to room together. He also knew that I cannot afford to live on my own. So, I guess I was operating on the assumption that we would still live together. Keep in mind this is over the course of about a month. I have about 1.5 months to find a place and a limited budget… so I really need him to tell me yes or no. Money isn’t a problem for him so I don’t think he truly understands how much pressure I’m under. Affordable housing and roommate availability is dwindling. I feel like if I pressure him anymore it’s going to feel like coercion because he’s not sure; however I don’t have a lot of time to wait around for a decision anymore. If he decides to not move in with me… I honestly understand it but can’t help feeling like I’ve been lied to. I just don’t get why he made it seem like he was so sure and ready to move in with me when in reality he wasn’t. To me, him saying no now would feel like a rejection. Maybe what I said was just a reality check for him… but I wish he would’ve told me sooner and not discourage me from looking for roommates. Now I’m kinda screwed. What should I do?
Dyanne
I would explain the situation to him as you told it here. Then tell him that time is running out for me and that I will start looking for places/roommates. And then do just that. I think I would also involve him by asking his opinion about different options. If he doesn’t understand your urgency maybe this will help.
After finding a place you like, tell him something like this: I really like this place/roommate and I’m going to accept tomorrow/day after tomorrow. I would still prefer to live with you, but since you’re still not sure this is my best option.
Then leave it at that. He will either step up or not, but you will definitely have a place to live.
I don’t see it as you putting pressure on him, but putting yourself first and making sure you have a roof over your head. Best of luck to you!
Newbie
I would seriously consider finding your own place with a roommate before living together. Whats the rush? You have to go to uni, make new friends etc. Thats enough on your plate already
Lane
Never move in with a wishy-washy guy! I would at this point just find a place with a roommate that you can afford. If he balks just tell him that you cannot afford a place of your own, this is your only option right now as places you can afford are being gobbled up. Remember, you will need to move back on campus at some point, so I think it would be in your best interest to find a place where you can focus on your studies, not playing house, and until you have a ring, don’t do the wifey thing.
Alison
Sorry don’t know how to do a post and also excuse my english! […]
Mod update:
Hi Alison, your English is fine. But, I am sorry, we cannot discuss topics about individuals under 18 years old.
mama
I think it’s fine if you explain to him that due to the timing, you really need to find a stable place to live and that maybe you can talk about living together after you settle in. Take the situation into your own hands and find an affordable place with a roommate you can get along with. His lack of an answer is your answer. Do what’s best for you.
I wouldn’t think of his hesitancy as rejection, but more like a bit of cold feet and apprehension. Which is fine if he would only communicate this to you. And who wants to move in with someone who’s being so wishy washy about it, right at the time you need clarity and conviction? Consider how he’s behaving right now, because it might be indicative of how he handles challenges in the future.
Congrats on your acceptance into this “prestigious university”!
tammy
agree with newbie..
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