After 8 months, he says he doesn't love me.

Hi all,

I need your advice with something.

The background:
This weekend, is the eight month mark with my boyfriend.
He is 34 and I am 36.
He lives in central London.
I live in a commuter town, 60 miles outside of London.
I work in London so go into the city everyday.
I have a 3-year-old dog.
I own my own home.
He owns his own flat.
We have different political opinion – and vote opposite parties to one another.

The situation:
Despite our differences, I was captivated by John from the moment we met. We have dated regularly and see each other every weekend, and once in the week. Usually me going to his, as he does not like my dog and we tend to do more in London. So my parents look after my dog a lot.

We have argued about politics a lot – particularly in the face of Brexit – but have agreed to disagree on this. I’m not overly political but i feel tensions are heightened at the moment as politics are so rife right now.

I’ve met his friends and he’s met mine. He’s met my family, and I’ve met his. (As a note, he didn’t introduce his last two girlfriends to his family, so this is a big deal).

I fell in love within by three month mark but didn’t tell him. At five months we went to Greece for my birthday. He didn’t get me a card or do anything special for my birthday. But despite this I had a wonderful day and wanted to tell him I love him. I probed him about these three words but didn’t say I loved him. He revealed that the last two girlfriends has said it to him but he didn’t say it back. He said – and I quote – that “it was like a tumbleweed moment. And I have my tumbleweed ready in my pocket now.” I immediately felt crushed because I was ready to say “I love you.”

I let it go but it built up over the next few days until I let my sadness and disappointment spill out in the guise of a huge political argument in a restaurant. We ended up going home to our hotel and having a huge row. It was just my upset about the tumbleweed comment coming out in other ways. We got over it.

Fast forward another three months and I still am waiting for those elusive words.

Yesterday, I had to bring it up. I told him I felt like our relationship had stagnated and was not progressing, that I love him but we don’t feel like we have a relationship of love. We don’t connect and we have stopped having sex as he has developed a problem and cannot perform the last three times, so we have not had proper intercourse for almost a month. I’ve felt more and more withdrawn from him.

I asked him if he loved me.

He said he didn’t. He said because of the distance and the fact that I have a dog, there is too much logistics. That we can’t just “be”. We only see each other when we are socliazing with friends, family or ourselves. Last weekend, we stayed in on Friday night and watched TV, went to lunch with my family on the Saturday, went to the theatre by ourselves on the Saturday night and on the Sunday had sunday lunch with his family. How am I unlovable during these times? He said he wants more moments where we just “be”. Read the newspaper on a sunday morning, go for a coffee and a croissant, do chores, watch telly, go for a walk. Normal everyday, rather than events. I understand that, and naturally these things will come when we move in together. But we can’t move in together if we don’t love each other. He says he doesn’t love me because we cannot just “be”. Because I live outside London and because I have a dog there is too much logisitics.

He said if I also lived in London and didn’t have a dog, then I would stay at his more and more until eventually, I’d gradually, subtly moved in.

I have said I will move to London, but not to inner London. From the edge of London he could still get to work within 30 mins, but it would mean I could get out to see my family and friends in my hometown in 60 mins. He says no, he says he wants me to move to inner London, which makes getting out to my hometown take 2 hours. He will not compromise on this.

As for the dog, he has said in jest than when we move in together, he’d shoot it. Or if not that, then she has to live in a shed in the garden. I know he is joking so it’s unfair to highlight this, but these are the comments I deal with. He has agreed and accepted that when we move in together the dog comes but he wants the dog downstairs and not in the bedroom. I currently let her sleep on my bed (when he’s not there) and she has to sleep in her basket when he is. I have a baby gate across the door and have said to him I would make this commitment to him that she doesn’t come in the bedroom, but I would like her to be able to come upstairs and perhaps have her basket on the landing outside our bedroom door. He said no.

I feel like if he does not love me now, will he ever love me. I’ve been left feeling very confused and unclear about where I stand. My friends have told me to walk away because he is not compromising on anything and is being very selfish. I don’t know what more to do but I am feeling very unloved and don’t understand why I cannot be loveable when we are doing social things, rather than sitting in my PJs in front of the telly. If we moved in together, then naturally we would do more normal, everyday things, but does that make me more lovable?

Any ideas on how I can tackle this. I am 36, I want to meet my life partner and get married and have children.

Thanks
Beth.